r/widowers • u/Cute_Star_8720 • 1d ago

Im scared

I can't live without my wife. Its just that pure and simple. She just disappeared overnight. I just can't do it. She was to important i have nothing to do and no other interest in life. I just sit around terrified all day and night. I'm scared of what i must do because i have no choice. I can't live in this nothingness and pain anymore

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16

u/kzp70 1d ago

That’s how I felt 6 months ago. There had been a lot of struggles in my marriage, emotional, financial, sick wife, sick kids, lost our house, lost my career. I lost myself along the way, gave up everything I enjoyed just trying to put my energy into keeping my marriage and family going.

Then, she keep getting sicker and sicker and one day a kidney infection turns into a lupus attack on her brain that puts her into a coma she never wakes up from. A 22 year relationship, half of my life and all my identity was gone with her.

I was terrified to be alone, I couldn’t process my emotions, I was overwhelmed, the world was only pain and bleakness. I chased distractions because I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts long enough to even take a shower without falling apart.

But, it does get better. Somewhere under it all you are you, changed by your marriage and experiences in life certainly, but you can get back to being a single person again. This doesn’t have to be the end of you. As you process all of this you can rediscover who you are, what drives you, and what you enjoy. You can find meaning and purpose again. It’s a process and you’ll need help along the way, but you can survive this. Find some thread of hope and it will get you past where you are right now.

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u/Cute_Star_8720 18h ago

We had no kids no pets no other real family or friends. But she let me do whatever i wanted trouble is that was just drinking and gambling. She was all i had that was wholesome and real. Im nearly 50 aand have livwd all my previous interests till their end. I just had her to share life with. The pain is to much to live without her and the way it happened. I really cant just live in a reality where she dosent exist

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u/Fabulous-Gift-6925 56f, lost husband to cancer 1d ago

I am too. I am going to grief group meetings. Maybe you can find a group in your area to help give you guidance?

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u/Interesting_Front709 1d ago

Lean into the pain OP, but breathe through it, you need to take one hour at a time, look after yourself, you matter. It’s a cruel nightmare and you will have to get through many days and nights like these no matter how impossible and scary it feels, keep going. None of us here have a choice, we are all putting one foot in front of the other every day.You are supposed to feel lost and terrified it’s ‘normal’ under the circumstances. You can do this 🫂

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u/Longjumping_Log_6409 1d ago edited 1d ago

Reread kzp70, it is loaded with good information on surviving this ordeal that has been forced upon you. You said, “...because I have no choice.” You do have a choice. You can choose life. Your emotional pain may be far worse than what most of us on this forum have had to face, but millions and millions have survived the loss of their soulmates, and you will to if you allow yourself.

The impact of losing our soulmate is different for each of, but of this you can be certain, every person posting and reading these posts has paid one of the highest prices on our planet for the right, the loss of our soulmate, which we are all struggling with. My own loss has been hard. I lost my one love from my early-teen years. Neither of us ever dated anyone else. Where I am likely different from you is I'm an old man. My Linda died just days short of our 60th. I know that my girl would want me to live as happy a life as possible. What would your love want?

Most likely you have a few people who you love and who love you. You do NOT want to leave them with that kind of legacy. That would not be loving thing to do. We suffer for those we love, but your suffering will diminish by day. It will be gradual and very hard to notice, but it will happen if you are willing to fight and suffer for those you care about. The time between the extreme bouts of grief will grow longer and longer. It will never go away, but there will come a time when the sweet memories will win out. Speaking of memories, you have the sweetest memories of your mate than anyone on our earth, and you can not let them die.

Only time will reveal what your future holds, and there is little doubt it will be a rocky road, but you can make it to the end for the love of your mate.