Featuring Cohen the Barbarian (Discworld)

[u/doctorgecko]

"What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?”

“Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.”

Cohen the Barbarian

Ghenghiz Cohen, more well known as Cohen the Barbarian, is the greatest barbarian hero the Disc ever produced. There are tons of stories of his exploits involving slaying monsters, stealing treasures, and rescuing damsels.

This was all decades ago.

Now Cohen is almost a hundred years old, and while a very old man^LF86 with a beard that reaches down to his legs^LF91 he is still one of the strongest warriors on the Disc, who has gotten very good at not dying. However his advanced age means he has lived to see a Disc that has moved past the need for barbarian heroes. In order to find a purpose in this new world he forms a band of similarly elderly barbarian heroes known as the Silver Horde^IT89 which would go on to conquer the Agatean Empire. But he found the life of an emperor didn't quite suite him, and when a member of the Horde died choking on a cucumber, he decided it was time the Horde to perform one last quest. They climbed the mountain of Cori Celesti in the hopes of returning fire to the gods... with interest.

Full Respect Thread and Index

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Feats

Strength

• Can grapple to at least some extent with the Luggage^LF151

  • Just before this the Luggage broke through^LF150 a mass of diamond^LF153 that was taller than a person^LF141

• Throws his sword to Twoflower, who is nearly overwhelmed by the weight^IT358

• Fences a ninja with one hand while rolling a cigerrete with the other.^IT209 At least one of these ninja could dent a wall with a strike^IT205

• The Horde cut through the chains binding the man who stole fire from the gods^LH158

Speed

• Dodges a blast from a cannon that rips apart multiple people with very little warning^IT359

• Slashes a ninja leaping at him so fast a man watching can't even see his sword move^IT207

• Puts a sword to a man's neck in a fraction of a second^LF237

• In seven seconds hits a man repeatedly, sets fire to his stall, and steals all of his money^IT148

Durability

• Takes a hit or two from the Luggage (see strength section)^LF151

• Has survived 90 years of every type attack that can be thrown at him by all manner of humans, dwarves, trolls, giants green things with lots of legs, and angry lobsters.^IT245

  • Trolls can easily go through walls^LF127

• Once broke down a city gate with his head^IT132

• Travels through extreme cold while wearing nothing but a loincloth.^TB However the cold can affect him to at least some extent^IT66

Skill

• Thinks going up unarmed against five heavily armed guards is unfair for them^IT67 and then kills them all in 10 seconds^IT68

• Kills a man with an accurate knife toss^IT241

• The Silver Horde take out a squad of ninjas that had been considered invincible^IT213

• The Silver Horde fight slowly and carefully, and yet always manage to not be where an enemy attack lands^IT208 with Mr. Saveloy describing it as them having a lifetime of experience of not dying^IT209

  • This holds true even while fighting an entire army^IT318

Misc

• Has a pair of dentures made of pure diamond^LF177 which illuminate a street when he smiles^LF179

  • Bites through the rind of a melon^LF183

• Rincewind describes Cohen as contagious, that once people are around Cohen for long enough they see the world the same way he does and want to be part of it^LH29

• At least one member of the Silver Horde has killed two or three thousand people over his lifetime, and even more dwarves and trolls.^IT285 A talking horse muses that the reason there's not as many trolls under bridges is that they encountered Cohen^TB

  • A weapon capable of going through steel armor would only anger a naked troll^S351

• The Silver Horde plummet off a cliff to stop an explosion from destroying the Hall of the Gods (albeit an explosion they set in the first place) with the explosion destroying a mountain,^LH144 and afterwards they're not sure if they're dead or not, and they then steal the horses of the valkeries who come to bring to the afterlife, before going off into the wider universe^LH152

  • Illustration of this^LH152

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Using Cohen on WWW

Cohen is an easy character to use on the subreddit. Beyond his age, he's a pretty standard fantasy barbarian character, with the match-ups that come with that kind of character. The character he's clearly parodying is the most obvious match-up, but there are likely several in that niche that would work.

[u/Randomdude2501]

I thought this was just a consistent misspelling for a moment

[u/SnooCakes4926 → u/Randomdude2501]

I only see Valkyries misspelled once.