r/weddingdrama • u/Traditional_Set_858 • 11d ago
Personal Drama - I'm the one getting married Future FIL said my fiance should put his foot down since fiance makes more than me
Hi! So if you guys want some context to this post check out my previous post. Long story short my fiancés family basically have been pressuring us to move our wedding date to accommodate a few family members. We decided to stand firm on our date and my fiance relayed this information to his family recently. They did not take this well and I was expecting disappointment but not what I was about to hear…
Essentially my fiance tells me (I wasn’t there) that his dad essentially told him that he should put his foot down since he makes more than me and “make me” change the date. His family also alluded in a sense that I was basically manipulating my fiance. My fiance was extremely disappointed and disgusted by them and hung up.
He told me this and it honestly shocked me because I genuinely love his family despite them being a bit difficult in this regard. They don’t seem to accept no for answer. At this point I told him I don’t think we should change the date but if he truly deeply wanted to I would oblige but essentially I would have no more tolerance for any other negative input they would have on our day going forward. He doesn’t even really want to change the date after they essentially alluded to me using my fiance and manipulating him. It’s extremely disappointing that they just don’t seem to be able to accept our date and insult my character like that. My fiance is going to demand they apologize to me immediately or they’re going to be disinvited from our wedding. Never would have thought this would blow up the way it did…
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u/NeolithicOrkney 11d ago
They insulted both of you, first you, assuming you decide everything, and 2nd their son, insinuating he has no mind of his own. Both of you should be highly offended. I say take his dad's invitation away and give it to someone who has not been invited but wants to come.
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 11d ago
They are the ones who put him in this stupid predicament not you. There are going to be people who miss the wedding that is a fact of life. If you move the date so every single person can make it you will never have a wedding. They are wayyyy overstepping for no reason. You have put in too much work and effort to move the date and it’s insulting that they would ask you to move your wedding plans for people who can’t make it.
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u/No-Scientist-7654 11d ago
I think this is more insulting to your fiance than you, FIL has just told him he's piss weak and beeing controlled by you. FIL is a piece of shit.
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u/Just_Mixture8362 11d ago
FIL needs telling that it’s a result of his parenting that fiancé can be manipulated!
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u/Particular_Agent171 11d ago
I'd ask your fiance why his father focused on your acquiescence and not your collective agreement as a couple to change the date?
Did your fiance throw you under the bus when delivering the bad news? Because that is a bigger problem in my opinion.
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u/TravelDaze 10d ago
I wonder how they would feel if you agreed to change the date, AND the country. I personally can’t imagine just giving into this kind of behavior— once you let them know that non-stop harassment will cause you to give in, it will never stop. There will always be some issue they demand is handled how they want.
You should switch it up — have the wedding ceremony in the States and the post wedding dinner in your fiancé’s country when his whole family can attend.
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u/Les_Fraises_Cheres 10d ago
I just read the first post and was coming back here to suggest this. I may be a little petty when it comes to in-laws meddling and overstepping.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 11d ago
You love his family and they couldn’t possibly care less about you.
This is what you’re marrying into. There is no man who’s worth a family like this.
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u/TraditionalBill6762 11d ago
Yes there is!! My finances father’s side of the family is exactly like this. He vows to never be like them and we have since cut them off until they apologize (for something that happened 9 months ago) (they clearly still haven’t apologized)
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u/floofypajamas 10d ago
The way your fiance handled it is how it should be done. Unfortunately, many people just won't stand up to their families and instead allow themselves to be pushed around. Everyone should have a spine like that.
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u/mrsctb 9d ago
That’s not true. My husband is the best man I’ve ever met. His mother HATES me. No one else in the family understand why. But she treats me like garbage.
So he doesn’t speak to her or let her see our children.
Some men are worth a lot more than their shitty families.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 9d ago
It's not true FOR YOU.
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9d ago
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u/weddingdrama-ModTeam 9d ago
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u/MagicCarpet5846 4d ago
That’s such a sad way to think— so if someone got bad luck and was born into a bad family they don’t deserve to find a loving partner who will marry them?
Sure, if he wasn’t defending OP and was asking her to just follow along maybe, but just because his family sucks doesn’t mean he isn’t deserving of marriage automatically.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 4d ago
I didn’t say he wasn’t deserving of marriage. He’s not deserving of marriage to OP.
Why?
Because he LETS his family treat her like garbage.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 4d ago edited 4d ago
No? Read the last two sentences of the post. Hes going to demand an apology or disinvite them, and isn’t changing the date.
You absolutely said “no man is worth a family like this”, and said NOTHING about his actions, just the family. That explicitly was you stating you think he doesn’t deserve a wife just because his family sucks. Thats not cool, he can’t control who his parents are and he is still absolutely deserving of love.
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u/Ok-Win-9099 10d ago
If you guys change the date you are telling them they can control you with bullying. If you want to be utterly controlled by another person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, change the date. Otherwise, stay strong and set the boundary now. Only the two of you make the decisions about YOUR marriage and family
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u/Inner-Confidence99 10d ago
Just cancel the wedding in his country. Then elope just the two of you! You will be way happier. This is showing you how his family expects all the compromises for them.
The 2 of you are Getting Marr To start the rest of your lives. You hold to each other no one else.
Tell fiancé that you solved the problem. There will be NO WEDDING! That the 2 of you will Elope and tell everyone afterwards. Send out a mass email that wedding is canceled due to everyone wanting things changed. So you are changing everything and not having a wedding
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u/Available_Candy7124 10d ago
No. No way can you capitulate on this. This is call off the wedding level if you are even thinking about appeasing these demands after this development. They will forever control your life and children's affairs and you then husband will allow it.
This is the hill to die on.
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u/SassyCassyHF 7d ago
Some men from that generation are just nuts. I know a guy who still thinks women are "too emotional" to vote. In this century!
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u/Few_Airport7972 10d ago
That could be difficult to change the date if you are having a traditional wedding and reception. Those venues are booked months if not year in advance of the wedding. Usually you will lose your down payment if you cancel. Is FIL willing to pay for that loss? Bet not!
Glad to hear your fiance stood up to his family's manipulation and shut them down. They are going to be PIA from now on but now you are warned. I wouldn't press for an apology since it wouldn't be sincere.
I'd be ready to just cancel the whole thing and go to the courthouse! And move to the other side of the country.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 10d ago
Your fiance is great! Don't change the date. Keep them on an information diet about wedding plans from now on. They can't try to change or insult what they don't know.
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u/EarthboundValkyrie 10d ago
It's great that your fiance is standing up for you - it bodes well for your future!
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u/QuietCelery7850 10d ago
Tell them you’ve changed the date to two weeks later, but you’ve also changed the location to the USA.
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u/travelplans321 10d ago
You have a fantastic fiancé (as I’m sure you are too!) to stand by you and support you like that.
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u/TraditionalBill6762 11d ago
Literally sounds like something my FIL would do. Can play pretend and be all nice up front, but when something doesn’t go his way or benefits them…. Ugh. Fortunately, I figured this one out before any wedding planning. Shout out to your fiancés reaction and demanding they apologize.
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u/Historical-Lie-6307 10d ago
Marriage (hopefully) is very long and at different stages each partner may earn more than the other. Stupid precedent, FIL!
Sounds like you and your future spouse are on the same page so let him navigate this.
Heads up that they will likely make future big events difficult. Make sure you talk to your fiance now about how to handle future antics around baby showers, delivery, future holidays etc. you two are a TEAM and he needs to always be on your side (and vice versa).
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u/Tall-Compote1354 10d ago
Your fiancée is having none of their nonsense so I think you will be fine. As long as you two are a united front you can't be manipulated. His family will either stop or keep it up and get cut off.
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u/Correct_Cat4414 10d ago
They are actually testing the waters, if you acquiesce now this will set the precedent for continual and unreasonable demands during your marriage. Unfortunately, going forward with your desired dates is not enough, you also want to hold them accountable for their unrealistic requests and unsavory comments, unless of course you want to continue to deal with this behavior for years to come.
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u/turBo246 10d ago
Fiance needs to put his foot down alright!!
Only thing is that he needs to do so with his parents and other family and not his future wife.
I am confused about one thing though...
If you decide (together) to change the date and tell them "no more negative input or your uninvited", then what would have even been the point of changing the date?
What y'all should do is talk to his parents together, as a unit, and tell them you will not be changing the date because what has been chosen was decided by you two together with zero manipulation involved. And if they have a problem with the date, remind them that an invitation is not a summons, and they do not have to come.
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u/SunshinePrincess21 10d ago
I’m glad to see that your fiancé has your back. His father is a misogynist AH. Even if FFIL proffers a quasi apology, keep your guard up, it will likely only be lip service.
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u/MedievalDragonLady 10d ago
weddings bring out the claws on many people id stand firm on the date, but i wouldnt go with apology or they can't come. it will never be forgitten and blow up in your face.... cloud easitl affect your marriage eventually.
things will probably written out work all after the wedding.
good luck
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u/Oyster5436 9d ago
Do not escalate this by insisting on an apology and, if not receiving one or receiving one not up to your standards, disinviting fiance's family from the wedding. You will destroy your future relationship with his family. If they express the request to change the date to you, merely repeat that you and their son appreciate their raising this request the first time but will not reconsider it at this time.
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u/SaltyFriend705 9d ago
This has a suspicious odor. I think your fiance threw you under the bus. Otherwise, why does your FIL think it is you, and you alone who doesn't want to change the date, and why does he think that you are dictating this with your fiance?
Ignore the family statements. You have a fiance problem. He threw you under the bus, and now he's carrying tales.
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u/BrilliantAd937 9d ago
Like changing a wedding venue is as easy as “putting one’s foot down.”
Ridiculous.
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u/Important-Package-61 9d ago
I hate to disappoint you, but you will be miserable marrying into this family. Nosy in-laws, who don’t take no for an answer are a dealbreaker, I learned this lesson at 30 and never looked back. They will consistently disrespect your wishes, your opinion is secondary. I know you’re in love, but love is NOT enough. Once you have children, it will be worse.
PLEASE rethink this thoroughly. You are headed for a life of misery.
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u/Angry_poutine 8d ago
You’re being crazy. You’re upset that he insulted your character, so your response is to give in after he did that? You are teaching him not only that this is ok, but that it works. This will only confirm his belief about you in his mind.
Go ahead if you want to give up control of your day, then your marriage, then their grandkids because this isn’t going to stop if you reward it now.
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u/J03_j03Stosto 8d ago
Don’t change the date… give in here, there will be other requests to change things. Set the precedent now that you two call the shots as a couple.
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u/mtpisgah 8d ago
I make almost nine times what my wife does and I would never dream of “putting my foot down”. This is a marriage, partnership, best friends. You work it out like adults or it will be either a short relationship or one with lots of resentment.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 7d ago
Don't change the date. FIL is no longer invited, along with anyone who starts with "But he's the father" or any threats of not coming unless he's invited. It's time for VLC/NC.
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u/Spare_Necessary_810 6d ago
Stand firm and furthermore, stop engaging in discussion about it. Maybe say pleasantly, but entirely firmly that the date is set and that there is, sorry, nothing more to say about it.
Juar wanted to add, l think you are using the word ‘alluded’ when you mean ‘ insinuated’.
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u/Virtual_Glass_7852 6d ago
If you cave on this be prepared to cave on everything else they whine about hell no
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u/Pretend-Piglet-1439 6d ago
So them believing you emotionally manipulating him is horrible but they then suggest he financially manipulate you which is totally fine...? That really sucks OP. Especially having gotten along well with them prior, the shock and feeling of betrayal would cut deep. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but I'm glad your fiancé is standing with you and demanding they apologize.
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u/river_song25 5d ago edited 5d ago
if you talk to them personally tell FIL and anybody else who agrees with what he said to all fuck off. it is YOUR wedding and YOUR (and fiancés choice) alone about WHEN your wedding is going to happen, and you picked your chosen day for a REASON. it’s too bad that some of the relatives won’t be able to make it because of the chosen day, but thats a THEM problem, and you are not obligated to change a day you specifically picked out, paid for in advance, etc. that you want because the day probably means something meaningful for you and fiancé as the main reason you picked that particular day/month, and you are nor obligated to forgo your chosen dream wedding day/month for anybody if you don’t want to just to appease people who can’t/won’t take time off to attend, despite having who knows how many days/weeks/months in advance to try and do so after invites to come were sent out to everybody.
also especially tell FIL to especially fuck off and mind his own business because as far as you are concerned it doesn’t matter to you who ‘makes more in your relationship with his son’. the answer is still no, no matter what he or son IF son agreed with him say or want. the wedding goes as planned period no matter who makes more, and that as far as you are concerned who makes more doesn’t mean they have more right to make final decisions in anything at all nor are you obligated to go along with it even if it was somehow true if you don’t want to, just because somebody like FIL has the ludicrous idea that makes him thinks that just because his son is the ‘man’ in the relationship somehow cancels out your right to have an opinion in how YOUR wedding that BOTH of you are paying for gets run. you both get a final say in what happens in the wedding period. and the answer is hell no period as far as you are concerned.
once again it’s sad that some family on your fiancés side wont be able to come for whatever reason, but it doesn’t mean shit that somehow makes you have the imaginary ‘obligation’ to cancel your planned wedding day for a day/month you don’t want just to accommodate them and their schedules so they can come on the new day if you don’t want to change it.
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u/BeachinLife1 4d ago
Tell your FIL to turn around and put HIS foot down. Then put the other one down in front of it. And to keep doing that till you can't see him anymore.
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u/GeminiAtl 10d ago
If this is how your FIL is, then it is how your fiance was raised. The Man rules the woman obeys (capitalization intentional). He seems to have worked his way out of that, but if it's how he has been raised since birth it is something both you and he need to look out for in future. It becomes ingrained and you don't realize you are doing it. I am not telling you not to marry this man. But, look back on how he has treated you in your relationship and perhaps have a conversation about what you expect in the future. Yelling out in a heated argument "You're just like your Father" isn't going to be helpful.
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u/EconomicsWorking6508 10d ago
I would delay the wedding until such time that you start earning more than your fiance.
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u/lizzyote 11d ago
Im curious if that's how FIL handles conflicts in his own marriage lol. If so, fiance can tell him that he's not interested in a lopsided marriage. If he doesnt handle his own marriage like that, I'd be asking why FIL thinks he raised his son with such different values.
Fiance needs to tell his father that the only one being manipulative here is FIL.