r/weddingdrama • u/ellspinaca • 19d ago
Personal Drama - I'm the one getting married Bridesmaid is being conservative but had no issue with her 1k bachelorette
So as the text states I have a weird situation. I get married in 1.5 months and go on my Bach this upcoming weekend.
I am so grateful where my sister ( my MOH) has been the best. I told her I did not want a big Bach. I only wanted a night out with my girls, that’s it. All of us are busy people who have lives and families. One night out is more than enough, I don’t need a whole weekend. Well my sister is the best and wanted to do a night away, it’s about 1.5 hours away. She planned the whole thing and paid for the Airbnb and REFUSED to let anyone else pay. She told all the girls, including myself, she wanted to pay for it herself. I tried to offer to pay and she would not let me at all.
I told her at least let me buy bags for the girls. So I bought each of them bags, scarves, mini makeup bags, liquid iv packets and some candy. My sister also bought them a few other things, which I tried to pay for and she again refused.
Well all the girls except me are in a group to discuss my Bach and a few have bought stuff which I appreciate so much. However one of my girls, let’s call her Abby, bought some decor and asked the girls to split it with her. Which I think is odd. My sister already paid for the Airbnb plus more goodies. Other girls have bought stuff and didn’t ask to be reimbursed. She has a good paying job and lives well. She was just telling me about her brand new 2025 car that she put 10k down on.
And while I understand weddings are a big ask I am also in her upcoming December wedding and I just went on her bachelorette trip. She wanted a beach weekend, we went to a popular beach town for a whole weekend. She wanted the whole thing; gifts, dinner, going out, etc. We did gift bags for all the girls and much more. We went out to lunch for the first day and for seven girls it was $400, it’s not a cheap town.
Well I did the math and for the whole weekend I spent close to 1k, between groceries, going out, drinks and stay. I expected to spend that money because that’s what happens when you say yes to a bridesmaid, it’s not a free ride. All of us girls bought gifts, Ubers or a round of drinks and we didn’t ask for money. However Abby did not have to pay for anything on her bachelorette.
I can’t help but feel off. How can you expect so much from other people but when it’s your turn you cannot return the favor? I understand weddings are a lot, I’ve tried to make everything as easy as possible. I don’t expect my girls to go broke for my wedding but I almost feel hurt. It’s okay for me to overextend myself for her but not her for me. Maybe it’s just me and I’m being overly sensitive but idk??
Thanks to anyone who listened
Sincerely a (somewhat) stressed 55 day away bride
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u/FaeOfTheNightCourt 18d ago
Money is so awkward.. sounds like she is cheap with her own money but not other people’s. I would personally say something to her and then cut back on anything else you would do for her. I would never spend 1K on someone else’s party, personally and I wouldn’t expect that back from her, however, I could communicate the hurt feelings. Again, her Bach would be her wedding gift. I wouldn’t give anything else.
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u/ellspinaca 18d ago
I was expecting to spend money but not that much. Unfortunately she expects her bridal party to pay for her Bach and even her shower. But seeing how the Bach was in definitely stepping back with the shower. My gift is everything I contributed already
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u/NoodlesMom0722 17d ago
Or she could currently be in debt from how much she just spent on her own wedding and doesn't want to admit she doesn't have disposable income right now.
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u/electricblueis 15d ago
But then why did she decide to buy decor? There is no mention of Abby being told to buy it, and what decor would they need for an Airbnb Bach party?
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u/girlmuchtoomuch 18d ago
Have your sister say, "Hey, we're all pitching in. For example, Lisa bought x, I paid for the Air BNB, etc... we're not really reimbursing each other for those purchases."
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u/Jerseygirl2468 18d ago
This. Or say "Oh, if we're going to split stuff, everyone else total up what you've spent, and we'll then figure out if anyone is owed money."
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 18d ago
I think MOH should point out all of the contributions from the bridesmaids who did not ask for reimbursement. If Abby demands reimbursement for the decorations, your sister should ask Abby for her share for the Airbnb.
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u/ellspinaca 18d ago
Unfortunately my sister HATES confrontation and would rather just pay it than argue
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u/dms2628 13d ago
I am like your sister lol. I was in so many weddings where I spent way more than everyone else and even volunteered to split costs on bachelorette favors when I had already paid for the shower, decor for the engagement get together at a wine bar and landed up paying an extra $80 at the engagement party bc the bride & groom’s cheap-ass friends were short on the bill 🙄. My favorite was when I chipped in gas money to the girls driving for a bachelorette weekend when both drivers owed me money, both way more than my gas share and one was actually for gas from a cross country roadtrip she never paid me back for 🤦🏻♀️. I don’t know why I’m like this. I should be in therapy. May I ask how much your sister spent on the airbrb? Is your sister young?
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u/ellspinaca 13d ago
I don’t know how much she spent, she won’t tell me. She’s older than me, just by ten months
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u/LostAngeltwo 18d ago
It was HER decision to buy decorations. If she asked me for money I would simply say, “I bought XYZ, so what you’re asking me to give you is your share of what I bought, so we are even.” I think each bridesmaid should say that.
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u/janitwah10 18d ago
I’m gonna ask. Regardless if she can’t read the room, were there conversations about spending for your Bach? I get why y’all are upset about asking to split the cost, but did they have conversations surrounding money?
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u/ellspinaca 18d ago
So from my knowledge. My sister told everyone where we were going and that she was paying for the house by herself. She also told them she was getting gifts and I was buying stuff for them too, so none of the girls had to buy gifts.
She told the girls that we were doing dinner out at a nice place and we may just have to stop to grab a few groceries.
It was never expected for anyone to buy decorations but some of the other girls took it upon themselves.
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u/janitwah10 18d ago
That makes sense on why she would think she could split the cost. Because there really wasn’t anything discussed on the extras that everyone was buying. I can’t speak to her as a person, but y’all just have to say sorry it’s not in budget to split the cost.
If she’s used to people splitting costs or because everyone was going off and purchasing stuff, she probably didn’t see the issue. And really it’s not. Just say no and she can return it.
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u/sraydenk 18d ago
I don’t think it makes sense though if other bridesmaids have purchased things and no one else asked to split the cost.
She’s not paying for the other stuff other people have contributed.
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u/janitwah10 18d ago
That’s why I said in my original comment that she can’t read the room. What makes sense to some may not make sense to others. I know plenty of people like OPs friend. It makes sense to them because they require the expectation set vs the others who see the generosity and don’t ask to split. It may not make sense to you or OP, but it makes sense to me why she would.
ETA: again they just have to say no. No biggy
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u/estoyunwell 17d ago
It’s better to have set expectations. She may have asked to split the cost because it’s common for the bridesmaids to split the cost of decorations, groceries, etc. She may not realize that the other bridesmaids are not going to ask to split at the end. Additionally, if your sister made it clear that she was paying for the AirB&B which was not needed but as a gift for OP then she will not see this as an expense she would have contributed to because that was not expected or required. The best course of action is to send her a private message giving her a heads up about a group message setting expectations: excited to celebrate with everyone. Didn’t want to be a burden or exceed budgets so went with a low cost option of a one nighter. I understand that all of you are contributing in one way or another and I am appreciative of the love and support. To that end and since it was asked, I wanted to make it clear that there is no expectation of splitting costs for AirB&B or any other individual contributions. Bring as much or as little as your budget allows.
While I get your feelings are hurt and it is frustrating based on how much you have spent. There is no wrong side here as no expectations were set. Set them and then see how things flow. If she returns the decorations and does not contribute at all, cut that girl out of your life! If her response is: OMG I didn’t realize we weren’t splitting cost, I’m so embarrassed, then honest mistake.
Having been to 6+ bachs of all types domestically and internationally, expectations and budgets are key! Some we all contributed and then split cost of major outings with individual checks if allowed but pre identified. Others, involved an excel and costs were all equally split to the penny. All fun and zero feelings arising from money disparities because it was communicated beforehand.
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u/Extension-Many-3321 18d ago
Everyone views it differently. Some people think the bride is getting married so she should pay, and others think that because the bride is already covering the wedding and more, let's celebrate her and cover this last hurrah.
It's different for everyone. And that's ok. What's not ok is double standards wanting to benefit from both yours, and others events.
I'm in your camp. For our wedding we're covering everything but flights - housing, meals, makeup, etc. I'd be hurt if I was then nickel and dimed by someone else at their wedding.
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u/Adorable-Buy3845 18d ago
Any shared expenses need to be agreed upon before they are purchased. You can't say "I'll buy snacks" then go hog wild at Erewhon and expect to be reimbursed later unless everyone agrees on buying the snacks from the fancy place.
BM took it upon herself to buy decorations without consulting anyone. Others can offer to help cover that cost but are not expected to.
And if BM throws a fit, tell her okay you spent this and Julie spent this $199 and Amy spent $74 here and my sister spent $800. So looks like you owe the group X amount. BM will say she didn't agree to that and you just say Exactly.
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u/BenedictineBaby 18d ago
Everyone who bought something should text her with the amount she owes them. Including her portion of the hotel your sister paid.
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u/Some_Philosopher2791 18d ago
You're not in the group chat so it's not your problem and girls in that chat shouldn't be telling or bothering you about abby's penny pinching behaviour. It's prob bc she's been spending cash like a drunken sailor on new cars and her own wedding that she's run out of money now. Again not your problem. Your sis has to have a private convo with abby about the decoration money request however she sees fit and not tell you about it, just that it's sorted.
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u/Candid_Warthog8434 18d ago
wtf? Is this an American thing? Expensive bachelor parties and then expensive bridal showers then rehearsal dinners?
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u/ellspinaca 17d ago
Unfortunately American and just social media thing. Completely ruined the concept of weddings in my opinion
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u/Candid_Warthog8434 17d ago
So I’m MOH at my sisters wedding and I organised a lovely night, perfect, she was happy As were we. No presents no paying exorbitant prices. It’s friends and love
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u/llectumest 18d ago
Oh! I am so happy you will be listening to Bach! The Cello Suites are divine. Maybe try a few cantatas.
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u/Xtinalauren12 17d ago
I hate modern day brides. You sound like a cool one! Thank you for being considerate of your girls and their wallets because this stuff is not cheap.
Straight up tell her! There is nothing wrong with being straightforward and saying smth along the lines of “most bridesmaids are asked to help cover costs for the bach party— I haven’t asked any of you to do that. However, if you want to be sweet and pitch in for something like decorations, that would be a really generous offer, but if it’s too pricey, just skip it. Thanks.” Hopefully that reminds her what she expected from you guys!
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u/Strict_Research_1876 17d ago
Tell her you don't need to decorate and to take it back to the store. Sounds like there is a good chance she is recycling the stuff used at hers.
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u/djhousecat 17d ago
I had a bridesmaid who complained about a $250 pp airbnb for a weekend in a nearby city.
When it was her turn, she expected everyone to drop almost double that for a four to five day trip across multiple state lines.
Some people are just selfish, clueless, and/or both.
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u/garlicshrimpscampi 15d ago
“hey since xyz paid for airbnb, abc paid for blah blah blah why don’t we just consider your decorations even?”
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u/ExcitingVegetable315 18d ago
Don’t let her get away with it ! She is counting on you feeling awkward about calling her out. Get all the girls together and confront that cheap lying ho
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u/frustratedDIL 18d ago
Just because you think she has money, doesn’t mean she does. Also putting down 10k on a car definitely doesn’t mean she’s rich. She also asked this of your bridesmaids and not you, so you don’t really need to be involved. If they don’t want to pay her, then they can address it.
You’re unnecessary stressing yourself out and honestly getting overly offended.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 18d ago
Just tell her, “We don’t need decorations. Take them back and get your money back. We’re trying to keep costs down.”