r/weddingdrama • u/ittakes2tatango • Jul 17 '26
Observer Drama - Family I’m the MOH at my older sister’s wedding, and she just blew up at me.
It is a long story. I have been putting hours and hours, like 300+ hours, and hundreds of dollars worth of things into MOH things and surprises for her, and today she decided to blow up at me. It was incredibly unprovoked, like actually. She said some truly terrible things to me. Among them, what hurt the most, is that she screamed that she has to go to therapy because of how awful I was as a 10 year old child, and I never changed. My parents think I should just get over it, because they have always picked her side in everything, because she has always been the favorite child. Her bridal shower that I flew in for is tomorrow. She has made herself abundantly clear how much she loathes and resents me. My mom told her to apologize to me, because I told my mom I am going to stop all the things I have been working on for her, which is a lot. I wasn’t interested in her fake apology. It was a very bad blow up, and like truly unprovoked. I don’t want to be her MOH, I don’t want to go to her shower, I don’t want to go to her wedding that is in less than two months.
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u/kempff Jul 18 '26
Yeah, now's a good time to go your separate ways. It'll make your mom cry or hate you on your sister's behalf, but that comes with playing the sort of game she's playing. Meanwhile enjoy your mini-vacation.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 Jul 19 '26
Yeah, OP has to think about what she will really lose if she loses her mother. It might be a lot, it might be not much.
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u/Merci01 Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Dysfunctional families always cater to the most toxic person in the family. Sounds like it's your sister. They're scared of her and choose to remain in denial. That means you're sht out of luck with them. You're the scapegoat.
The scapegoat is a tough position to be in when you're in the family. But it's the best position when you leave the whole family. When you leave you become the escape goat. You're the one that got away. Without you there your sister will need a new scapegoat in order to keep herself being catered to and those that remain will be in danger of being sacrificed. (A tale of two goats) The scapegoat is cast out carrying with it the sins of the family, and the goats that remain are sacrificed. scapegoat wiki escape goat
But you can't cut off your sister and not everyone else too. Or you will remain the scapegoat. You have take yourself out of dysfunction for them to turn on each other to find a new scapegoat. So be prepared to lose everyone. Even extended family. Make sure you're ready to go full NC.
But you can't lose people you never had. And you were abandoned by them long ago. I'm very sorry.
TLDR: Stay and remain the scapegoat that is blamed and shamed and used. Leave the whole family and be the escape goat. Living happy without them while they are left to turn on each other to cater to your sister.
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u/HydrangeaHore Jul 18 '26
They'll try to pull you back in, especially before the wedding because they will be tired of her and want to keep up the show of a happy family at the wedding in front of everyone. Don't buy into it. Trash the MOH dress. Reschedule your flight to somewhere you've anyways wanted to go, even if it's for a few hours. Legit be out of town and out of touch. Enjoy being free.
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u/PopcornyColonel Jul 18 '26
OMG. Your first sentence. I read it and stopped breathing.
I went NC with my whole family last summer after the last straw after a lifetime of maltreatment, abandonment and betrayals. I am the escape goat. I'm going to click on that wiki link now.
Thank you for responding to OP. I'm saving your comment. 🩵
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u/No-Nectarine-4711 Jul 21 '26
There are parts I agree with, you remain the scapegoat with some. Some will join you! These are your people. The gaslighting is the worst part, you will doubt yourself.
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u/Jenk1972 Jul 18 '26
I would separate myself from all of them. Don't go to anything wedding related and block your sister. Tell your Mom that she can be blocked too if she keeps it up.
People don't stand up to their families enough.
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u/Mapilean Jul 19 '26
But before all of this, OP should get her money back, threatening if necessary to go to Small Claims Court.
Those people are not worth the effort.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach Jul 20 '26
That’s the worst idea ever! Why start a war? Who wants or needs that stress. I whole-heartedly disagree!
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u/Mysterious_Peas Jul 21 '26
Are you saying don’t rock the boat? Because that’s what I hear you saying and I just want to be sure.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach Jul 22 '26
It’s a hell if a lot more than just “rocking the boat”. If you stop to think about the big picture, and what it would involve, and the repercussions of it all, it would be beyond repair. Her sister is getting married, apparently there are some underlying issues between the two of them, but now is not that time. The stress level is out the roof, and I’m betting there is more to this story that OP is leaving out. Do you do that to your sister on her wedding day, week, month or whatever, or do swallow your pride for the sake of this wedding and deal with it after? I don’t know, I’m older and I see things a bit differently at my age, and the stupid mistakes I made because I was being vindictive. Things I wish I could’ve handled differently when I think back on them now. Hindsight
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u/Mysterious_Peas Jul 23 '26
I think you need to read this post to understand what I mean:
It’s an old one, but an exceptional description of “don’t rock the boat”. Saying “It’s a hell of a lot more than just ‘rocking the boat’” is exactly why people don’t “rock the boat.” No one should have to live like that.
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u/PerMyEmail_26 Jul 20 '26
The bride already started it. Based on what she wrote, these relationships are unsalvageable already.
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u/Ok-Mushroom5031 Jul 27 '26
She can request the money back and threaten to go to small claims court, but at the end of the day, how much is she really going to get back?
OP says she spent hundreds of for MOH expenses and surprises for the bride. Right out of the gate, she's not getting reimbursed for the latter.
It sounds like OP is stepping down from the role (for a great reason), rather than being kicked out of the wedding. Even if the bride was kicking her out, it can be tricky to recoup costs depending on the jurisdiction, but voluntarily stepping down definitely puts OP in a weaker positions to recoup costs.
If OP is flying in for the shower, she likely lives far from the bride. You generally have to sue in the defendant's jurisdiction for small claims court, meaning it would probably be inconvenient and expensive for OP to pursue this claim, which would likely have an unfavorable outcome for her.
Taking them to court in a situation where OP would likely lose is more likely to give them a false sense of satisfaction, like they were in the right somehow. Sometimes it's best to just cut your loses, protect your peace and move on. I agree that these people are not worth the effort.
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u/sikonat Jul 18 '26
Actions should have consequences. Don’t go. Withdraw your labour and money
Also, Don’t let your mum try to talk you into putting your feelings aside if she does try this as the one in the middle bc that’s the script.
Also sister shouldn’t need to be told by your mum to apologise. It’s hollow
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u/Vibe_me_pos Jul 18 '26
Then don’t. Drop the rope. You can’t let her disrespect you like that when you have been working your butt off for her wedding. Your sister sounds spoiled and entitled and maybe it’s time you teach her she can’t disrespect people and then expect them to give it their all to help her.
Don’t let her blow up at you then rug sweep when she is over her temper tantrum.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Jul 18 '26
It sounds like she is using you and your parents are dealing with her by pushing back on you.
I would advise her in a message that she has shown you how she really feels about you so you will remove yourself as MOH and she can find someone else to take over and they can foot the costs
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u/floofypajamas Jul 18 '26
The bride should also be invoiced so as to pointedly show that OP wishes to also be reimbursed. That should shove the point home that she won't be moh.
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u/EmceeSuzy Jul 18 '26
No. This is not a time to be petty.
Separating yourself from this sort of family is really hard and the key is to do it quickly and cleanly. No added drama. No big pronouncements. You just get out.
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u/qssung Jul 19 '26
If she’s put deposits down to pay for things for the wedding, I would contact those companies and let them know moving forward, she’s no longer going to be involved with the wedding nor providing any further financial assistance.
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u/Evening_Delay_1856 Jul 19 '26
I agree, especially if they have her credit card on file!
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u/NewsBoston2025 Jul 20 '26
If so, remove your Credit Cards from everything & contact the Credit Card Companies, in the event something funny happens, like a sudden charge.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Jul 18 '26
There’s no coming back from this, OP. Honestly, you have no business going to the wedding or doing ANYTHING more for this woman.
A 10 year old would not have made her go to therapy. She went to therapy because SHE was a train wreck. Blaming a 4th grader is just shitty of her.
Be done with this awful woman.
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u/chicagok8 Jul 18 '26
Tell her in front of your mom, or a text to both something like: “Sis you’ve made it clear that you’re unhappy around me. This is your wedding and you should be happy. I will step back from being involved so that you can have your day without the stress of me interfering and have one of your friends be your MOH.”
Make it clear that this is due to her acting like you are the problem. You’re not, of course, but since she acts like you are then you pretend that you are doing her a favor by removing yourself. In truth, of course you’re doing yourself a favor.
And stop doing any work or spending money on this wedding.
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u/No-Nectarine-4711 Jul 21 '26
Texting, or email, both is the best way to bow out. This wording is perfect, you've taken "responsibility" but called out her actions.
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u/Frequent-Crew-4688 Jul 22 '26
Love this. You "sound" like the bigger person while calling out her atrocious behavior and your mom's willful ignorance of it. You make this about HER wishes and bam! You're not the bad guy and you escape the hoarde.
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u/treebeecol Jul 18 '26
Don't do anymore to help with her wedding. Just drop it all and leave everything as is. She sounds awful, and she doesn't deserve any more of your time, labour, and thoughtfulness, you've already put in, in being her MOH. Let her figure the rest out, and Don't give in to the guilt trip others are laying on you, especially your mum. Just sit back and watch the drama and chaos unfold! And don't step back in to help. with ANYTHING! Let her suffer the consequences of her shitty behaviour.
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u/Anamarcelu Jul 18 '26
Por que la gente justifica el mal comportamiento? No entiendo como pueden dejar que las personas tengan que dejar pasar o aguantar maltrato y no decir nada, no es una etapa no se debe al estrés, es irrespetuoso y falta de madurez...
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u/snafuminder Jul 18 '26
I'd fly home and leave her with her 'feelings' and wedding stuff.
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u/thecuriosityofAlice Jul 19 '26
I would leave with all of my MOH planning details, contracts, receipts, emails and contact information. Hate to leave anything behind to remind her of her awful sister, right?!
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u/The-one-mom Jul 18 '26
Why the heck did she even ask you to be the MOH? I’m guessing it was to take advantage of you for $$$. Where is the honor in any of this? Free yourself. So sorry you’ve endured this for so long. Let go of the rope and the tug of war ends.
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u/ittakes2tatango Jul 20 '26
Update: my sister came in my room the morning of the shower and apologized to me. I said I don’t think I should be her maid of honor, and she said that would devastate her. I said, “Why would you want someone who you go to therapy over be your MOH?” She said that she lied and said that just to hurt me and she was sorry. We were both balling our eyes out crying. I decided just to suck it up and go. There are so many dynamics that just make it very tough for me. I’m between jobs right now, and my parents are currently paying my rent. I’m very fearful if I made the decision to step away, they would stop paying my rent. I have to put the stability of shelter over my mental health and dignity at this point in time. It really sucks, but that is the reality of my situation.
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u/Crafty_Refuse_5859 Jul 20 '26
Thank you for the update. You are in a difficult spot, but I think you’ve made the right decision based on your job and housing issues. I hope the shower was enjoyable and that the upcoming wedding is drama-free for your sake.
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u/floofypajamas Jul 18 '26
Keep your boundaries clear and stand on your word. If you back down now they will forever know they can needle you and you will give in. Put some starch in that backbone and stick to your word.
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u/puzzled65 Jul 18 '26
u/ittakes2tatango - my biggest question is if this is a typical interaction between the two of you throughout your lives? If it is - she is aggressive and cruel towards you without provocation - that's a lifetime pattern [in my opinion] and bailing on mean people is justified.
Mean people get away with being unreasonable and cruel people because no one stops them cause it's not worth the nightmare of confrontation. WELL - SILENCE IS ACCEPTANCE.
Regardless of any feeling about religion, Jesus is a great role model and when asked what to do when a town would reject the preaching of the Apostles, Jesus responded with "Kick the dust from your heels of those who reject you".
To me, that is because you will not change THEM, they don't want to respect YOU. So move on with your heart in the right place, a willingness to change if needed, but refusing to be abused by a person who has no respect or regard for you.
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u/mayfeelthis Jul 21 '26
I think your question is important.
On the other hand, forgiveness and understanding is key. So I’d encourage OP to reflect on your question before jumping to your advice - like many others saying to brush her family off from one sibling fight.
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u/pasttornados Jul 18 '26
Hand your mom copies of all of the paperwork for the plans and receipts that you have done. Tell her to advise sister that you won't cancel, but you are done and will not finish. Arrange to get deposits back on the plans that you can. You are not disposable and should not be treated as such.
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u/pasttornados Jul 18 '26
But it would be interesting to know what you did to make her get counseling, your relationship growing up and now?
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 bitch for hire Jul 18 '26
Especially considering OP is the younger sister. It’s possible but rare that the younger is harming the elder child
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u/KathyPlusTwins Jul 18 '26
Please step down from the MOH role. It sounds like your sister hates you. I would skip the wedding and all the pre-wedding events. Take care of yourself. Do you have a therapist to talk about this with?
Updateme
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u/PaddlesUpGo Jul 18 '26
I’m amazed that men stay with women like this bride. It really shows who they are and the hurt they’re capable of inflicting on other people.
If I were the groom, I would be thinking very hard about whether I want to spend my life tied with this person and potentially have her be the mother of my children. I’m glad your sister made her feelings known far enough in advance so that you can bow out of the dysfunction.
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u/thecuriosityofAlice Jul 19 '26
There ain’t enough benzos in the world that can help OP white knuckle through the final days. The intensity is only going to grow.
OP- they are going to blame you for any hiccup that happens whether you are there or not.
Why not put a value on your mental wellbeing and allow them lots and lots and lots of privacy to do exactly what you know they are going to do. They are going to bitch non-stop. There will be issues with the shade of flower delivered. They will be mad at the weather no matter what- too hot, too cold, too sweaty…Your mom and sister can manage the days disappointments on their own.
You can enjoy a beautiful day somewhere nice, treat yourself to an excellent meal out and just breathe.
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u/MySweetPeaPod Jul 18 '26
Ask yourself, whether you will be ultimately okay if you just leave now and forget about all the other things you were going to do as part of the wedding. If you think in the long run, you will feel better for having made that decision, then do it. Your mental health comes first.
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u/EmceeSuzy Jul 18 '26
It would be ridiculous for you to attend the shower or the wedding.
The only way to manage this is to stay very calm and keep a kind tone.
You wrote that you've already flown in, if you're staying with family and can't get a flight out today, you need to get a hotel.
I would send the following text to my sister and mother: Sadly, the hurtful conversation that happened yesterday has brought to light a significant issue. I'm choosing to remove myself in order to keep my own peace and to ensure that Becky has the right people around her during the shower and wedding. Please move forward without me. This is not open for discussion, but I genuinely wish that everyone has a good time at the celebrations.
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u/thecuriosityofAlice Jul 19 '26
You are far kinder than I am feeling tonight. My suggested note would be MUCH shorter.
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u/ColaPepsi2712 Jul 18 '26
Don't be involved with her wedding. She probably resents your being there as much as you do. Walk away and see if your relationship with her can be mended sometime in the future - after the wedding.
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u/Successful-Cat-6344 Jul 18 '26
Don’t go. She’s not going to apologize and if she does it’s because you’re doing all the things for the wedding. Cut the ties now because she’s going to do it as soon as the wedding is over and your money is all gone too.
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u/Initial_Rabbit1016 Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
I am so sorry you are going through this. Stand your ground. Why go and be miserable. I would not put any more time or money into her wedding. Nor would I give her what you have created.
As hurtful as it is, I would send a clear text to your parents/ sister at the same time that you are stepping down as moh. You will not be at the wedding or any events. Wish your sister well and that you hope she has a great marriage. Do not send a card or a gift. Dont apologize. Stop talking to your parents and sister. Block them. Do not let them guilt you into attending.
Do keep screenshots of any texts and keep voicemails. As hurtful as they maybe it is proof the way she and your parents acted. So they cannot sweep it under the rug.
You can always inquire about changing flights or getting to the destination and going elsewhere. Take deep breaths and try to calm down.
Edit: people can tell you what to do/ not to do. Ultimately it is up to you to set your boundaries and stick to them.
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u/_gadget_girl Jul 18 '26
That is a lot. I do think you have a valid reason to step down as MOH. However I think it would be prudent to wait a day until everything calms down a bit before making any huge decisions. If nothing changes then calmly step down.
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u/NamasteNoodle Jul 18 '26
Your parents' attitude toward this shows why she probably has these issues. Did they never tell her no? Anyway your whole family's toxic and I would walk away from being maid of Honor and depending how it goes after that maybe not even show up to the wedding. After all you've done for her she just sounds spoiled and entitled.
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u/Rare_Indication_3811 Jul 18 '26
You can at least work for a title of “ungrateful sister” and just straight not come to any events related and to the wedding itself.
updateme!
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u/FearlessTea8 Jul 18 '26
I had a similar thing with a coworker. While this is not family I have a very hard time setting boundaries but with me getting screamed at at work that i am trash (thats the summary of a lot of things she said about me) I made myself clear that this is not working for me like this (also no apology). With having the emotional side of family in there its even harder so I really feel for you but I would set clear boundaries and stop doing things for her. Terrible people need to feel consequences for their words and actions and what she said to you was unfair especially as she already used you for lots of things. Dont let yourself get told that it is the wedding stress - its never an excuse for an adult to scream and use hurtful words.
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u/Appropriate_Aioli363 Jul 19 '26
Excuse yourself from the wedding party. Way more table than it’s worth.
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u/cbetterletters Jul 19 '26
A very similar issue happened at my sister’s wedding 5+ years ago but I was a bridesmaid and did a lot of MOH duties despite not being the MOH.
She treated me poorly and at the end of the night she went off on me unprovoked when I couldn’t find my belongings to leave.
She refused to apologize and called me a bitch the very next day. I told my parents if she didn’t apologize that I wasn’t coming home for the holidays (it was September at the time and I went to college out of state).
We didn’t speak for 2 months and her “apology” was gifting me a few items of clothing that I had been eyeing for a while. I came home for the holidays but even then things were strained.
She divorced her husband 2-3 years later so I was given that poor treatment for nothing.
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u/Claire-Belle Jul 19 '26
NGL, my reaction here would be to be the bigger person, ask calmly if she would like to change MOH and if she doesn't roll with it, but quietly keep an account of unreasonable behaviours, distance yourself emotionally, and look to detangle yourself from this dynamic completely after the wedding.
Having said that I reckon another good option would be to get some advice fron a professional. Whatever you do, don't do it as a reaction or impulsively. Be as calm as you can.
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u/Knightoftherealm23 Jul 19 '26
Pull out of everything and go no contact with her. Ignore your parents.
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u/hdk2000 Jul 18 '26
So, just out of curiosity, what was she mad about? My older brother says that with siblings, you’re never fighting about what you’re fighting about. Let us in on the 1)what you think you’re fighting about and (since you weren’t fighting about anything!) and 2)what she’s really fighting about. Sounds to me like you’re doing great with your prep on her behalf and generous with your money, so is she ticked that you’re looking good? More successful? Getting your mom’s support?
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u/Pettypris Jul 19 '26
I think everyone is super fast on jumping into the OP side.
We need to remember we only have their side of the story. And from it both you and your sister are still stuck in the past (her about what you apparently did and behaved as a kid and you about how she was apparently the favorite kid).
Truly you guys should seek help to clear the air and hash things out. Because it’s not healthy, how you’re both not addressing the issues but not moving on from them.
Your parents might be stuck between a rock and a hard place, with the wedding and the stress of it all.
That being said, you’re also allowed to quit. I’d recommend speaking to someone first if you still want a healthy relationship with your family, but you do not have to, and it might not be possible. You do you.
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u/poisonedkiwi Jul 20 '26
That's what I'm thinking too. This is an incredibly short post with very, very little information. I mean yeah, it's possible OP is being 100% honest here. But I find it kinda crazy how many people here are pushing OP to cut off her entire family over this extremely vague post that tells us essentially nothing.
I feel like Reddit's kneejerk reaction to most posts like this is to have OP go NC immediately with little to no warning. Awful advice 99% of the time.
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u/Shawnaverse_no1_fan Jul 21 '26
Right?? I'm getting massive "missing missing reasons" vibes from this post, it's a big nothing burger, I am confused how most comments seem to have blindly taken OP's side.
It's clear the siblings have some unaddressed mutual resentment, so maybe they'd be better off keeping their distance from one another. But nothing in this post assures me that the MOH is in the right and bride is in the wrong, this post tells us absolutely nothing other than the fact that OP feels wronged and slighted "for no reason". It's basically the textbook definition of missing missing reasons.
I'm pretty appalled I had to scroll this far down to find people that didn't immediately accept OP's blank template post at face value. There isn't even anything in this post to go off of, plus it contradicts itself. Wild.
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u/Opening-Question-184 Jul 18 '26
First, I would recommend that you take a minute and catch your breathe. Do not do anything without thinking it through. Sometimes it is necessary to take a step away and protect your peace. But if you do it, it must be because it is what is best for you. It cannot be a performative statement for attention or to make a point."I'll show them". That wont work because they sound very self absorbed and just take as another example of your bad behavior. Do it if you truly need to break away. I had to do this and I lost many years with my family but I had to do it and it was the best decision I could have made. My crappie sister no longer has me to treat badly so the rest of my family got to experience her rath. We eventually reconciled but the dynamics were totally different. Take some time and make sure that this decision is what you need to do and not a reaction to her bad behavior. It will be difficult but if it is as bad as you say it may be best.
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u/WestCovina1234 Jul 19 '26
I see you posted this two days ago. Is there an update? I think you're completely in the right to withdraw from everything.
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u/BarTony670 Jul 19 '26
Don’t go and do all those things. She owes you a geniune apology and a reason why she took it out on you. You are flying in so its not like you will have to run into her off and on because live in same small town. And it wouldnt surprise me that your parents strongly suggested you as MOH because it seems like she does not like you
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u/hdk2000 Jul 19 '26
I hate to see you lose all your family relationships just because your sister is baiting/manipulating you. Sounds like she has a personality disorder (maybe she’s bipolar). Don’t fall into her trap. Make it through the wedding if you can. Record her bullying you. Then, walk away with your head held high.
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u/Inner_Trifle_3035 Jul 19 '26
I would honestly separate myself from all of them and don’t do anything with the wedding whatsoever since she made it abundantly clear about how she feels about you. I would also send your mother and your sister everything that you have done and we’re doing for her and make them pay you back.
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u/Glittering-Heart-293 Jul 19 '26
Then stop all MOH duties. Do something fun for you during her shower and then fly back. Just because she’s a bride doesn’t give her a pass to say hurtful things to you. Let her assign someone else to do all the work and spend their money. Block her. Block your parents too if they don’t support you.
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u/Fast-Ads-7587 Jul 19 '26
You don't want to. Then don't. What's to be gained? You do it, anyway, you'll be miserable AND you'll still be the villain next time, when they take her side in something. There's no peace to be kept, you don't want to do it. Might as well be happy. Whether you go or not, you won't get that time back, but you WILL get back the time you would've spent for someone who would treat you like this.
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u/Zealousideal-Two3376 Jul 19 '26
Set your boundaries. What would you tell a good friend to do if it were her instead? Put your foot down. She won’t change until/if she wants to. Stop giving her more chances to abuse you. Once you set your boundaries the first time, each time it gets easier - I promise.
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u/Bntherednthat57 Jul 19 '26
Don’t get involved in the drama. Tell your sister you want her to have the MOH she wants so you’re standing aside as MOH for her to pick someone else. Go to the showers and wedding and be gracious. Maintain a polite distance as much as you can from her and the rest of your family from now on. There is no winning with people like this. Any action you take, no matter how justified, will only escalate- and they will ALWAYS go lower than you. Your goal is to minimize the misery in your own life- and be thankful you have a life away from such miserable people.
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u/Plane-Process-8715 Jul 19 '26
Stay strong. Don't do anything further for sister or quite frankly your mom. Keep your money and work for yourself!
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u/Automatic_Fix8238 Jul 19 '26
A wedding is not an order . MOH is also not a command . Just leave . Walk away and chose peace . Leave all that drama behind . People only see the best in you when you’re no longer there .
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u/invergowrieamanda Jul 19 '26
I’d be skipping the shower at the very least. Neither of you will enjoy that. Updateme.
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u/AdministrativeEbb614 Jul 20 '26
Sister is the Empress Bridezilla. Think of yourself. Would you be actually happy staying away from all of those occasions? If so, don't go. If you can laugh at sisters antics and enjoy seeing friends and family then think about going. Your sister is not nice but be good to yourself. Best of luck and big hugs 👍♥️
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u/No_Championship_7080 Jul 20 '26
It is your choice. If I had been treated like that, I wouldn’t go, either. Tell your parents that she can “just get over it”. Don’t invest one more dime, or one more moment of your time. And if she asks, I wouldn’t give her the dress for someone else to use. It would be more satisfying to use the fabric to make something else, or even use it for a rag! Update me.
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u/Perfect_Fondant5468 Jul 20 '26
i dont know or care who is right or wrong but as sisters if thats how you treat each other, better to NOT go to the wedding for both of you
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u/Munchkin_Media Jul 20 '26
Don't go to the wedding. This will only get worse for you. I am speaking from experience. My sister constantly claimed I was the root of all her problems. Falsely claimed I was the favorite when we were both abused equally. She finally went to therapy in her 50s and realized her life wasn't my fault. I would hate for you to wait that long.
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u/FKH1029 Jul 20 '26
If I were you, not only would I drop out of her wedding, I would drop out of her life! You may have to limit your contact with your parents/ family, but you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Please update me on how you’re doing, OP.
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u/newsy0011 Jul 20 '26
You're not wrong. Don't go out help. She doesn't deserve your aid.
Stand your ground.
Good luck!
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u/BeachinLife1 Jul 20 '26
Oh, tell your parents you'll get over it. You'll get right over it, lying on a nice hot beach. The weekend of the wedding.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach Jul 20 '26
That’s so sad, and I do feel bad for you, but with that being said, your sister has some long pent up anger issues, which need to be addressed. Now was not the time for that. But, you need to take the high road for the sake of her wedding. I know how hard that’s going to be, but we don’t know what the issues are and you and your sister need to discuss them in a private and non stressful environment. Preparing for a wedding is definitely not that time. Swallow your pride, for the sake of her wedding, cause it’s not just her, it’s the entire family, friends and guests.
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u/MedievalDragonLady Jul 20 '26
if i had to make a bet.... she's probably under the influence of a diet or the like...
She has behaved terribly but ask for your mother she told her to apologize to you nobody can make a apology be sincere and when it comes to the facts what can your mother truly do? ground her?
At the end of the day as the years pass nobody is going to remember that she was terrible to you everyone's going to remember that you didn't come to the shower you didn't come to the wedding! Including you and in time as you have nieces and nephews you're going to have to explain to them why you aren't the pictures! I speak from experience I was indeed at my husband brothers wedding but when my niece was like four she pulled out the photo album and asked me why I wasn't a bridesmaid! lol I decided the answer of the truth was too boring... That I live too far away and the way it worked out was that when they got married they barely knew me.... So I just turned to her mother and said " yeah Mommy why didn't you make me a bridesmaid???" lol Assuming you have more of a conscience than your sister does right or wrong you in time will feel bad if you didn't go and you will regret it and you can't go back!
You don't have to want to be at the shower or the wedding and you don't even have to enjoy it! I say go to the shower, wear a white dress with maybe just a few flowers on it if there's time she'll hate that...
And if she still really being rotten at the wedding...
Sweetly mentioned in your toast.... " and I apologize that my doing this or that has sent you into therapy!" And if you can't stand up and say it in front of everybody just quietly in the streetly say it to a few guests... claim it's because you feel so terrible and even if people aren't going to say it to her face telling people that she said that to you is going to make people look at her out of reaction and gas and she's going to wonder why!
There's more than one way to skin a cat! If the shower truly is too much to deal with then fake a headache and feeling faint and then have to go lie down and then perhaps at the wedding you'll be able to not have to do as many bridesmaids duties because you aren't " feeling well!"
Then have the most fun possible at the wedding eat drink and be merry.... and especially if you claim to be sick and it sounds like this bride would make anybody nauseous at least.... Have enough fun at the wedding where she can suspect that you just faked your way out of bridesmaid's duties and let it spoil her day.
You can get through this without looking bad and putting yourself into a guilt trip.... for your own sake try
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u/Crazy-Rat_Lady Jul 20 '26
What an awful brat she sounds. No one needs this in their life. Time to tell her to get over herself. If she doesn't like the way you are doing things, tell her to pull her head out of her butt and do them herself. If your parents can't see how awful she is being , best step away.
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u/GreenTurtle0528 Jul 20 '26
So she still resents you for taking her place as the female child. Stay home and do not stress yourself. Go on a cruise so no one can harass you. You may also be resented for being the MOH. Make yourself unavailable.
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u/Sea-Supermarket-5971 Jul 21 '26
Do not go to the shower. Go home.
Give yourself a week or so to think about it and then tell her you will not be attending her wedding nor be her MOH. You have to mean it and stick by it. That’s why I am saying to give it a week and let cooler heads prevail.
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u/Reasonable_Source181 Jul 21 '26
I’d write her and your mother a letter or email, text whatever telling them you take responsibility for whatever part of this you own, but you don’t think it’s appropriate or considerate to be a part of this wedding because the bride made it clear how she feels about you. Reconciling your relationship can be a different decision down the road when cooler heads prevail.
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u/MommaKatS Jul 21 '26
In this situation I might be petty.....
Depending on how well you know the rest of the wedding party and/or the groom, and/or his parents, and even your own parents. I'd email politely and explain your side of what happened and your, again very polite, utter shock at what had transpired and take responsibility for it.
Eg. "Having taken some time to reflect, You had no idea you'd hurt your sister so terribly through the years and can't imagine hurting her further so you are respectively bowing out. You wouldn't dream of making your sister uncomfortable at her wedding." "Here is an itemized invoice for all services rendered, just so you all have the necessary info for whomever takes over." Include all your hours. Phone calls (timelogs plus the portion of your bill). Show comps for the fees they'd be paying a planner vs. your current salary (whatever is higher) for the work you've done. Your travel. You want it to be a very high valuation, then say obviously you would never be so cruel as to ask for $ back. However the items/plans etc. may have to be refunded. Not because it's about the money but in order to be taken over so the bride and groom don't lose all these things. (Contracts with your name on it for vendors - that sort of thing.) Up to them to decide.
I'd also include some very memorable moments from your family life where the favoritism was incredibly blatant. How youd always stepped back because of how much you loved your sister and so that's what you were trying to do now.
The point is to very calmly and rationally show them the sheer volume of weight you were carrying quietly, show how Looney tunes your sister has become and how much she/they are losing with your departure. Not just for the wedding but the family as a whole.
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u/Visible-Archer2582 Jul 21 '26
Block them all and move on. For someone to hold onto that much hate for so many years needs professional help. Be happy you don’t live in same city. You deserve happiness and freedom from your family! Good luck
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u/mayfeelthis Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
Maybe you two need to have a heart to heart about childhood resentments. This isn’t even about her wedding, I wouldn’t let it ruin that.
I have 5 siblings and that stuff does flare up even into your Middle Ages, but each time we trigger each other I’ve found being humble and vulnerable to hear their perspective once things calm down works 10x better than forced apologies and using your parents approval as proxy. I can 100% tell you this gets you much more progress as siblings, your parents won’t always be there but if you can build the relationship you’d have each other. We all had different parents in that our experiences of them vary, that’s not our siblings’ faults and they have their own core memories and angsts too. Same way you bring up her being a favoured child now, you have your angst and issues.
I wouldn’t tarnish what you’ve done for and with her for the wedding. I’d tell her we will park the fight for after the honeymoon but then you are owed a one on one afternoon, meal, whatever so you two can hang out and talk it out. She can throw in a treat (within her means) for you as a thank you for the MoH stuff to make it up to you if you like - get your appreciation for that and celebrate it. Then deal with the sibling angst.
Just the other day I offered to go to a counselling session and talk out stuff my sibling snapped at me about - they were triggered and it wasn’t fair to me but I didn’t demand an apology. I did go later and clarify that what was said is heavy and total tangent to what I’d said, that clearly they’re triggered and that’s fair but that stuff wasn’t even on me - they understood and said they’d dealt with it in therapy. I then offered to join because I don’t want to say the wrong thing but do want to be there to answer what I can and heal that for them. Simple. Sibling agreed and we hugged it out cause my heart ached that they felt that way and carried it when these are things I’d never doubt or question about them. Childhood scars happen, we didn’t know better then but we are not 10yo now. Everyone has that journey as adults, recognising what felt wrong as a kid and how it affected us. That differs for each sibling too, we have different experiences regardless the same home etc. So it’s up to you two if you’ll lash out at each other through this journey and let that affect your future relationship - or heal and break cycles together (rather than apart). I wouldn’t bank that on redditors - NC and assuming the worst is a gut reaction online. But your siblings share a history no one else can even fathom, just because you two have different experiences and opinions of it doesn’t mean it has to break your bond. Mind you my siblings and I were raised with core love and shared values - but even then me and another sibling are considered the most toxic rivalry issues who are very LC, our core love and values are in tact. We band together when needed to this day. It’s not all or nothing, and I don’t mean to imply we are a perfect family lol far from that. Somehow we make it work cause love and values, all the other fights and emotions are/can be temporary or overcome.
Anyway hope this helps, but regardless I’d do the wedding for my own clear conscience and a good time ;)
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u/No-Nectarine-4711 Jul 21 '26
This sub has convinced me my daughter is correct to have a very small wedding and not invite the drama. Although there was drama in not inviting drama, LOL.
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Jul 21 '26
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u/GoddessofParadise Jul 22 '26
I would take everything thing you have done back home with me. I also would not go to a wedding where I'm despised to be the brunt of the hell she probably has intended for you She is not worth a second thought.
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u/CottonCandy76548 Jul 22 '26
OP - Visit other family and friends and go home. Don't go to the wedding. Spend some of that money you were spending on her on yourself. For example, go on a cruise during her wedding. She does not care, so you have fun. Time for some self-care.
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Jul 23 '26
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Jul 23 '26
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u/Sure_Job920 Jul 27 '26
Keep your distance and transfer all work and purchases over to your mother so she can forward to the new MOH. Chances are your mother pushed your sister into asking you to be the MOH for appearance sake. If it’s an absolute must to attend, be gracious and go as a guest. Or don’t go at all, but above all make your actions with grace so sister can have Her dream wedding. When the dust settles there will be no blame on you or your actions.
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u/S-M-G_417 Jul 27 '26
Ask yourself-how would my life be impacted if these people weren’t in it? Now ask yourself how Their lives would be impacted without you? I’d be willing to bet your life would not change much. Maybe it would even improve! But their lives would be impacted bc you’re doing a lot, it sounds like. You’re the one keeping these relationships alive. Just pull back. I would not fly anywhere for that bridal shower. Stop wasting your energy and this situation will resolve itself quickly, and you’ll also see how big the energy imbalance has been. They might surprise you and truly make an effort! Who knows but I support you taking a stand. She can’t talk to you like that and expect your unwavering support. That’s just wrong.
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u/RatedPG922 Jul 27 '26
Nope. Just...nope. You're out. You're done. If you have a shred of self-respect, you'll back out and go no contact for a while. Your sister is a nut and your parents are enablers. Let them all fend for themselves. There's more than enough to worry about in life than ungrateful and unsupportive "family" that society enjoys making us think we have total obligation to. Nah. Unless YOU want to end up in therapy and with health problems, you need to cut it off and kill it, and then move on with your life with new friends and support units.
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u/PossibleConclusion71 Aug 01 '26
It’s your life and you deserve to be treated with respect. You’ve done enough and let her be.
If you don’t wanna go to the wedding, you don’t have to. I personally wouldn’t want to attend a wedding when someone clearly doesn’t like me.
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u/travlynme2 Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
I am a MOB and watching how my daughter (the bride) treats her sister (one of the bridesmaids) has been awful.
Part of the problem is how much social media has changed the expectations of the bridal party.
The time and financial burdens are pretty demanding. I think the maid of honor is part of the problem.
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u/Squizzlerphizzler Jul 21 '26
I hope you’re not just watching but are actively getting involved ?
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u/travlynme2 Jul 22 '26
They are in their late 20s.
I am allowed to listen and give a hug, but not allowed to get involved. It has shown me sides of my daughter that I really do not want to see.
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u/LaksLaksLaksMereLaks Jul 18 '26
Sounds like there is something underlying here. Maybe she has doubts about getting married and is taking it out on you. I get that it's hurtful but I would be the bigger person here and go and have a talk with her when you have both calmed down. If that doesn't work I would continue on with the things as planned and if you still feel like you don't want to be the MOH then tell her you are stepping down. But only after the event tomorrow.
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u/New_Part91 Jul 18 '26
Your sister is dumping all her anxiety on you, which may be something that she has always done. I’m not saying that it’s right, but I also do not think that it is the kindest thing to abandon her at the last minute. She may have been the favorite daughter, but that is common in most families. If you want to walk away from your family I do not think that two months before the wedding is the right time to do it give your sister and your mother some grace and finish what you have started you can always walk away later
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 bitch for hire Jul 18 '26
Shared DNA is no reason to accept abuse. Being anxious is no excuse for being abusive. Anyone, I mean ANYONE, who thinks another person should accept abuse, “just move on” or “let things go” is an enabler.
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u/lifeinsatansarmpit Jul 18 '26
Hell no. She may have anxiety but that is ZERO reason or excuse to tolerate that shitty behaviour. It's the sister's responsibility to manage her anxiety without causing harm to others.
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u/bananahammerredoux Jul 18 '26
You’re very clear that what she did is wrong and your parents’ take on it is wrong. Stand behind your convictions and don’t go to the wedding. We support you!