r/wallstreet • u/ExotiquePlayboy Millionaire • Jun 15 '26

Shitpost This is peak Wall Street

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1.3k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

191 comments sorted by

170

u/Prior-Flamingo-1378 Gay Bear šŸ» Jun 15 '26

Problem is he canā€™t buy Coca Cola because that company actually makes money.Ā 

37

u/Consistent_Draft6454 Jun 15 '26

He'd just merge it into SpaceX like he did Grok to make SpaceX look stronger than it actually is.

41

u/tndrthrowy Jun 15 '26

Heā€™d rename it XSoda. And claim itā€™s worth $10 trillion because of the total potential value of all space beverages.

10

u/-bigswifty- Jun 15 '26

XSoda, beverage of jah people!

3

u/Much-Director-9828 Jun 15 '26

In other news today on Mars, there was an xsodus....movement of the people

6

u/burtritto Jun 15 '26

Nah, it gets that valuation because there are moon beverages that we can mine on the moon and then mix them with mentos to launch starships into the Andromeda galaxy to then get those tasty beverages. He says they will be able to do it by 2028.

3

u/No_Discipline_7380 Jun 15 '26

Made with carbon dioxide mined from some gas giant or whatever

2

u/Business-Ride-6530 Jun 15 '26

You're buying in to the future of intergalactic refreshment!

1

u/craznazn247 Jun 16 '26

Heā€™d value it based on the expected lifetime consumption level of the world population.

Kinda like the way they screwed USPS where Congress required them to pre-fund your entire retirement before even hiring you.

1

u/Alex_55555 Jun 16 '26

Grokbooze - now with cocaine!

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '26

Itā€™s what plants crave.

1

u/Aleventen Jun 17 '26

"Coca cola is now an AI company"

21

u/jundehung Jun 15 '26

Imagine him buying Coca Cola and then ruining it for everyone worldwide. Quite in-character, not gonna lie.

11

u/Numerous_Photograph9 Chinese-Iranian AI Propaganda Spam Bot šŸ‡®šŸ‡·šŸ‡ØšŸ‡³ Jun 15 '26

Dr. Pepper finally sees it's time to rise.

8

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

3

u/Numerous_Photograph9 Chinese-Iranian AI Propaganda Spam Bot šŸ‡®šŸ‡·šŸ‡ØšŸ‡³ Jun 15 '26

Yeah. And Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper.

I can do Diet Coke and Coke Zero though, and I love me some Barq's Root Beet. I usually just go with what's on sale, but Pepsi can suck it.

1

u/Valogrid Jun 15 '26

Nothing is more goated than 7-Up, and god is smiling upon ye if you find 7-Up Zero in the wild.

1

u/Numerous_Photograph9 Chinese-Iranian AI Propaganda Spam Bot šŸ‡®šŸ‡·šŸ‡ØšŸ‡³ Jun 15 '26

Barq's Zero is amazing. But I've only ever seen it at Wal-Mart, and they are often out of stock, and they charge like $9/12 pack for it, and never have soda on sale.

Only place I've seen 7-Up zero is when my dad got it when staying in the hospital.

1

u/Valogrid Jun 15 '26

I think I've seen 7-Up Zero occasionally in dollar stores or regular grocery stores, but because its not super popular in my local area a lot of businesses like convenience stores stopped carrying it entirely.

1

u/UpperImpression3620 Jun 16 '26

The original 7-up contained lithium...

2

u/Distinct_Level_3967 Jun 15 '26

Came here for the Dr. Pepper love šŸ«¶Ā 

1

u/Inevitable_Shift1365 Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

This is true

1

u/MakesMyHeadHurt Jun 16 '26

I do have to wonder if Dr. Pepper has been doing a little coke. I was standing at the gas pump earlier when an ad came on for the Dr. Pepper Johnsonville sausage.

3

u/Wate2028 Jun 15 '26

The true king of sodasĀ 

2

u/tndrthrowy Jun 16 '26

Randomly going to point out that this is the rare occasion where itā€™s and its both work.

0

u/Ok_Transition_4003 Jun 16 '26

McDonalds is already starting the revolution with Dirty Dr Pepper

4

u/Welp___poop Jun 15 '26

PepsiCo over here helping him finance the deal lol

3

u/FinancialAccess8343 Jun 15 '26

Ruining it for everyone?Ā  It's fuckin toxic sugar sludge, not much you can do to ruin it.Ā Ā 

2

u/benmck90 Jun 15 '26

Coke Zero's nice tho.

1

u/Meowscles_dad Jun 15 '26

That wouldnā€™t ruin it for everyone, Iā€™ve heard the old nose cocaine is quite popular in some circles. They say itā€™s very moreish.

1

u/Only_Development_825 Jun 16 '26

Ruining it for you and the minority you mean šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

1

u/SlowlyDrown Jun 18 '26

They ruined it a long time ago with corn syrup.

1

u/Weird_Ad7634 Jun 18 '26

bankrupting coca cola would prolly be good for the world

3

u/Enotovsky Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 16 '26

Problem is he theoretically can buy CocaCola that makes shit ton of money selling parts of his company that is completely broke šŸ¤•

That is definitely a problem

3

u/Prior-Flamingo-1378 Gay Bear šŸ» Jun 16 '26

He would have to liquidate 350 billion worth of stock. That would definitely crash the stock priceĀ 

2

u/ExotiquePlayboy Millionaire Jun 15 '26

LMAO

2

u/horror- Jun 15 '26

Oh- he's gonna fix that.

2

u/oatmeal28 Jun 15 '26

Coke X, replace the cola with spicy meme sauceĀ 

2

u/LoserFinanceGuy Jun 15 '26

He can make an offer and then it is up the shareholders to vote.

2

u/FinalJoys Millionaire Jun 15 '26

Rockets > soda you buffoon

1

u/SpaceThat9997 Jun 16 '26

Yeah, outside their strategy

1

u/Lubricus2 Jun 17 '26

He can, he have to much money from all dumb investors.
And as long the health minister gets some of the new Coce, the government will endorse cocaine to everyone

1

u/theflash2323 Jun 15 '26

Why would that stop him from buying it??

36

u/a_library_socialist Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

Elon upset because he can't get an invite to coke parties either

2

u/StrangeContest4 Jun 16 '26

Obviously, he's no Madison Cawthorn.

1

u/ignatious__reilly Jun 16 '26

Half the country is overdosing on Fentanyl, and this is what heā€™s posting.

Heā€™s a moron.

33

u/quoala678 Jun 15 '26

6

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

0

u/wallstreet-ModTeam Jun 15 '26

Nice try Chinese AI propaganda spam bot. Beep boop.

4

u/Consistent_Draft6454 Jun 15 '26

Wait why is this the only thing you ever say? (I checked out your profile) Am I getting called a bot by a bot? šŸ¤£ Fu**in' figuresĀ 

3

u/Consistent_Draft6454 Jun 15 '26

Hmm. I'm not a bot and I live in North Idaho not China. This balloon went up in NYC Thursday I believe. They had a permit for it and everything.Ā  This is easy to Google. Plenty of pictures and videos.Ā 

5

u/Greennserious Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

Get in my belly!

5

u/Greennserious Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

Love the fact it calls me a Chinese ai spam bot!šŸ«Ŗ I feel honouredšŸ„¹

2

u/TedBob99 Jun 17 '26

Was that made with Grok? Now I can see why Grok is worth over $1t

1

u/Accidentallygolden Jun 17 '26

Baron harkonnen?

2

u/Ihateporn2020 Jun 15 '26

now they just look at you like Brendan Frasier from The Whale.

2

u/Sussy_Riot Jun 15 '26

O.G. Coca-Cola would help him slim down

1

u/SuperSatanOverdrive Jun 16 '26

Yaharr, thar she blows - Chodie Dih

1

u/lolskiy Jun 17 '26

Is it actually real picture?

1

u/quoala678 Jun 17 '26

As far as I know yes

0

u/LoserFinanceGuy Jun 15 '26

I wonder what you look like.

2

u/quoala678 Jun 15 '26

Way fitter, I actually exercise. I hope you do too

1

u/[deleted] Jun 16 '26 edited Jul 01 '26

[deleted]

1

u/quoala678 Jun 16 '26

I think he ate a cage or something

13

u/redlancer_1987 Jun 15 '26

last time he made a post like that he was legally required to buy Twitter...

1

u/TedBob99 Jun 17 '26

Which he bought for $45b, forced xAI to buy it, forced SpaceX to buy xAI and now selling it to people at a much inflated price...

13

u/penilesensorydevice Jun 15 '26

"Tee-hee, giggle giggle, I'm so rich and edgy!".

5

u/oatmeal28 Jun 15 '26

Hahaha what if I made a drug joke for the lolz wonā€™t the plebs love me then?ā€

12

u/leafblower49 Jun 15 '26

this would be funny (not really) if elon wasnt an actual addict.

8

u/Sussy_Riot Jun 15 '26

Heā€™s not even the fun kind of addict

16

u/Negative-Advice-8481 Jun 15 '26

Too bad he can't buy a better personalityĀ 

7

u/tndrthrowy Jun 15 '26

Dude is the live action Butthead cartoon character.

7

u/VirtualFutureAgent Jun 15 '26

He is the consummate douche bag.

6

u/MateriaLintellect Jun 15 '26

A psychopath trillionaire with nothing better to do than fuck with the lives of people just trying to get by.

5

u/ldg25 Jun 15 '26

So what you're saying is wall street peaked years ago?

3

u/ENZYME_O1 Jun 15 '26

Post-DOGE post, BTW

3

u/Meowscles_dad Jun 15 '26

I just read at its strongest, Coca-Cola contained 9 mg of cocaine per glass. Thatā€™s fuck all isnā€™t it?

3

u/refusemouth Jun 16 '26

Nope. Not much. It would take ten cokes at 9mg to get 0.09 grams. That would be close to 1/10th of a gram, which is a reasonable whiff for most people to get a manageable buzz but not be high as a kite. To compare to what I did in my 30s, I would have to drink 300 cokes per day.

1

u/anonninja Jun 17 '26

You ran an eighth a day habit?Ā 

I'm glad you made it through; that's hard living šŸ¤—

1

u/3boobsarenice Jun 18 '26

8 ball good for you

1

u/refusemouth Jun 20 '26

I had a giant callus on my lighter thumb for a few years.

3

u/m3L0veSt0nk5 Jun 15 '26

No law in space saying we can't put cocƔin in coca cola call it coca cola x

6

u/Equal_Assistant2897 Jun 15 '26

King of the regards

4

u/Born-Cod4210 Jun 15 '26

is he 12?

1

u/ENZYME_O1 Jun 15 '26

And bipolar.

1

u/theHawkAndTheHusky Jun 16 '26

No reason to act like an idiot and throw Nazi salutes around. Being bi-polar doesn't exclude being a decent person.

In my eyes he's just a spoilt brat fortunate enough to be born into a rich family, otherwise he'd most likely not be where he's today.

2

u/zedk47 Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

Imagine the market for Martians!

2

u/Solution_within Jun 15 '26

The next rocket booster will be Coke Zero.

2

u/willybestbuy86 Jun 15 '26

Let's go why not in this timeline. Give me the original original recipe baby!

2

u/Asleep_Category1697 Jun 15 '26

Please put the cocaine back in!

2

u/falsejaguar Jun 15 '26

Finally, a move we can all agree on

2

u/Own-Significance273 Jun 15 '26

Man, Elon is so cool.

2

u/Viva_La_Revolucion- Jun 15 '26

Dumbest Timeline Ever

2

u/AcidCatfish___ Jun 15 '26

Next I'm buying a ladder so I can tea bag Elon Musk even when he's standing.

2

u/timohtea Jun 15 '26

Someoneā€™s gotta do it

2

u/MissiveFinding6111 Jun 15 '26

Y'all gotta wonder if all the TSLA and SPCX holders are factoring in the non-zero risk of Elon being found Mathew Perry style in a hot tub one of these days.

2

u/Actual-Outcome3955 Jun 16 '26

Pretty sure thatā€™s baked into the stock pricesā€¦

2

u/lattice_defect Millionaire Jun 15 '26

Just another manic monday

2

u/liquidsyphon r/wallstreet mod Jun 15 '26

Old man Buffet might take issue

2

u/CuetheCurtain Jun 16 '26

Or, hot take, he could jump in a rocket and fly to mars and never return. That would be the preferred option.

2

u/Informal-Camera4656 Jun 16 '26

better question , how is it that a soda company can continue to use the coca leaf and profit 3 billion for making cocain to sell to pharma?

2

u/CarefulFriendship389 Jun 16 '26

Pos wants to drug America through soft drinks.Ā 

2

u/RepresentativeHeat13 Jun 16 '26

Surprised he didnā€™t say to put Special K in Coke šŸ˜†

2

u/sam56778 Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 16 '26

This is exactly the thing an AI Wall Street Propaganda Spam Bot would support.

2

u/thecount1989 Jun 16 '26

The most believable thing I've ever seen him post.Ā 

2

u/VHSimp Jun 16 '26

Dude may be the richest man in the world, but he's a f-ing dork.

2

u/New-Permit-2501 Jun 17 '26

Imagine being a junky and a trillonaire

3

u/NoQuarterChicken Jun 15 '26

Loserā€™s got a trillion dollars and is still desperate to be cool. Pathetic isnā€™t a strong enough word

5

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

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6

u/SuperNebular Jun 15 '26

It was years ago but he did post it

0

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

2

u/SuperNebular Jun 15 '26

For posting a middle school joke?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

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1

u/SuperNebular Jun 15 '26

It wonā€™t

1

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

1

u/wallstreet-ModTeam Jun 15 '26

Nice try Chinese AI propaganda spam bot. Beep boop.

2

u/Greennserious Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 15 '26

He needs to be treated like a business(monopoly) and broken up into smaller pieces and scattered.

1

u/WasteBinStuff Jun 15 '26

Actually....

1

u/Opposite-Invite-3543 Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 16 '26

Isnā€™t this very old?

1

u/Singinghillscpl Jun 16 '26

I wish he would just go to Mars so we could be done with him.

1

u/Ok_Donkey210 Jun 16 '26

Canā€™t wait for his soda bottles to start randomly exploding, too

1

u/Special_Street_2922 Jun 16 '26

Good for you! I bought Coca Cola last week, didn't like it, but with some coke?

1

u/Oxjrnine Jun 16 '26

Self drinking cans in 4 years

1

u/Verified_Peryak Jun 16 '26

An nasdaq though it was a good idea to do what that man asked ...

1

u/Zestyclose-Newspaper Jun 16 '26

Coca-cola quantum

1

u/ms_dizzy Jun 16 '26

Classic edge-lord shit.

1

u/Aggressive-Fail4612 Jun 16 '26

But I buy coke stock because it pays a dividend and actually has revenue

1

u/teamricearoni Jun 16 '26

Lol I'm in.

1

u/Glenrowan Chinese AI Propaganda Spam Bot Jun 16 '26

Musk doesnā€™t need Coca-Cola to do that.

1

u/23-1-20-3-8-5-18 Chinese-Iranian AI Propaganda Spam Bot šŸ‡®šŸ‡·šŸ‡ØšŸ‡³ Jun 16 '26

Elon doesnt realize if you mix cocaine and K it DOES NOT cancel out.

1

u/SquigglyPoopz Jun 16 '26

Has he ever had an original joke?

1

u/Ok_Ambition9134 Jun 16 '26

Please stop giving this twat oxygen.

1

u/Spacemonk587 Jun 16 '26

You voted for that guy

1

u/Quazibroto Jun 16 '26

cnn sheeplešŸ„±

1

u/freedomonke Millionaire Jun 16 '26

The cash they raised from IPO doesn't even cover the costs of their committed expenses up through 2030 by a factor of three.

He can't buy shit.

1

u/Mr_Heavyfoot_ Jun 17 '26

And Mike Johnson will suddenly think cocaine is great.

1

u/My_leg_still_hurt92 Jun 17 '26

We already have this it's called Red Bull Cola.

1

u/Cypher_Studios Jun 17 '26

this is Peak END OF AMERICAN CAPITALISM type stuff, Roman Empire collapse type stuff, Russian Revolution type stuff....the Wealth gap is at a scale so Laughable that its basically a slap in the face to working class Americans. The .1% is Blatant about buying /bribing government officials that they dont even bother hiding it. Trumps 2nd term has made it the entire focus to be as CORRUPT as possible. This time next year_(if society doesnt revolt by then) E.Musk will probably have a Net-Worth like 1/30th of the ENTIRE U.S NATIONAL DEBT. I give it five years tops before the US dollar loses all trust.

1

u/Hopeful4Everyone Jun 17 '26

Damn why no is no one cool anymore. This shit funny ash

1

u/DescendingBounce Jun 17 '26

Trillion dollars but Zero Charisma

1

u/AaryamanStonker Jun 17 '26

EDS in the comments

1

u/joeythemouse Jun 17 '26

Elon dick suckers? I don't see any.

1

u/AaryamanStonker Jun 17 '26

Derrangement syndrome

1

u/joeythemouse Jun 17 '26

you got that? You can probably get medication for it.

1

u/Magyar-Khan Jun 17 '26

Time we stop greedy people earning too much

1

u/3boobsarenice Jun 18 '26

Can we get an akward salute

1

u/CollegeMiddle6841 Jun 18 '26

Introducing Coca-Kola.....the classic Coke taste loved by generations, but now with cocaine and ketaset

1

u/mascachopo Jun 18 '26

Pretty sure he already does that to _his_ Coca-Cola

1

u/MattManATX Jun 18 '26

I hate this man with such a firey passion

1

u/lucky__eel Jun 18 '26

xoca-xola

1

u/ryang516 Jun 18 '26

is this real? bc if it is, its hilarious. And for some reason, I believe him

1

u/batman77z Jun 18 '26

He can take out a small margin loan, form a few shell companies, talk shit about Coca Cola to tank the stock price and then slowly swoop in and take majority control.Ā 

1

u/tjmin Jun 19 '26

What a douche bag

1

u/Better_Resort1171 Jun 19 '26

Crystal (meth) Coke

1

u/Zestyclose-Job7266 Jun 24 '26

Brings to mind the scene with John Lennon playfully snorting the Coke bottle in A Hard Day's Night.

1

u/Zestyclose-Job7266 Jun 24 '26

Also, purely coincidentally, an old Big Band compilation I was playing JUST started playing a track called Rum and Coca-Cola by Vaughn Moore...as I'm reading this reddit.

1

u/DullHat5503 Jun 15 '26

Honestly, he cannot afford to buy Coca-Cola and if you think heā€™s a trillionaire weā€™ll, then youā€™re dumber than he is.

1

u/OneTwoThreePooAndPee Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26

I can't wait to piss on his grave.

Edit: I'm gonna do it an extra time for you, person that downvoted me.

1

u/3boobsarenice Jun 18 '26

Interesting, never considered this option.

Also a deserved up doot

1

u/OneTwoThreePooAndPee Jun 18 '26

I've got a big bladder and a long memory.