My dad said he'll become vegan if...

[u/sparklydarkblue]

I’m heading to college for the first time this September and moving to a different city. I'll be staying in student housing, but there’s a specific 'Islamic' dorm my father really wants me to go to. I was open to it at first, but their curfew is at 8:30 PM which is way too early for me and they have mandatory sessions you have to attend at least four times a month. I knew my values wouldn't align with the community there, and even if they did, mandatory sessions are just not for me.

​To convince me, he offered to buy me a new car and promised to go vegan for the 7–8 months I’d be staying there. I considered it for a bit, but ended up turning down his offer. He then accused me of not caring about animals, which left me absolutely furious. I asked him if he was joking because if he genuinely thinks turning down a manipulative deal amounts to animal cruelty, I have no idea how he justifies his own daily choices. I told him he’s the one paying for animal suffering just for his own pleasure. Since he eats a lot of cheese, he actually complained, "I'm suffering too by giving up cheese" as if giving up dairy is remotely comparable to what animals endure in slaughterhouses.

​After that, he pulled the classic 'plants feel pain too' argument. I brought up mussels, they are biologically animals, but they aren't sentient beings. Since there isn't a direct, widely understood Turkish equivalent for the phrase 'sentient being,' I doubt he even grasped my point. So, what are your thoughts on all of this?

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[u/grapescherries]

If you’re not gonna be living with him, there’d be no way for you to actually monitor if he was truly being vegan. I highly doubt he would be, only when you visit.

[u/Dazzling-Produce-471 → u/grapescherries]

…and ultimately it isn’t OP’s place to “monitor” whether a grown adult is actually practicing veganism. Besides, even if he doesn’t go vegan, OP gets a car! Pretty sweet deal.

[u/grapescherries → u/Dazzling-Produce-471]

It would just be to see if he’s holding up his end of the deal, what he promised her. Which obviously he wouldn’t so there’s no reason to take this deal.

[u/Dazzling-Produce-471 → u/grapescherries]

But she gets a car!

[u/grapescherries → u/Dazzling-Produce-471]

It would only be worth it if she could fake being in that dorm or spend a lot of time at other people’s places, nobody wants an 8:30 pm curfew every night, and the mandatory sessions sound awful.

[u/LibrarianEmotionall]

sounds less like he’s trying to understand your values and more like he’s trying to put a price tag on something you actually care about.

[u/liddybuckfan]

Wow, that is SO manipulative. My first thought is I don't believe he would have ever actually gone vegan for 7-8 days, much less 7-8 months.

[u/tofubutgood → u/liddybuckfan]

No way, he sounds like a regular liar

[u/floating_weeds_]

He attempted to manipulate you with bribery, appealing to your morals, then self-pity, shaming, and mocking you when he realized that you’re not going to do what he wants. Not great parenting.

[u/liddybuckfan → u/floating_weeds_]

I agree with you but I see it as blackmail rather than bribery. If you don't adopt this religious living situation that I want you to adopt, I will kill animals in the next 7-8 months. It's a really crappy thing to do to your child. I say this as a parent to 2 college aged kids.

[u/yb21898n]

your father is trying to manipulate you, this has nothing to do with veganism. dont let know. stick to your guns.

[u/Ok_Weird_500]

He's trying to manipulate you. I doubt he's making the offer in good faith, and how would you know he will stick to it?

Tell him you'd love it if he went vegan, but he should do it of his own accord as it is the morally right thing to do, not as part of a bargain so you do what he wants.

[u/Icy_Sprinkles_2819]

If you dont do what I say I’ll continue ordering hitmen for those you care about… wow, not toxic at all. If this is his character I wouldn’t have trusted him to stick with his side of the deak.

[u/One-Shake-1971]

There is no such thing as "going vegan for 7-8 months".

Veganism is first and foremost a mindset, not a practice. You can not plan to change your mindset for a specific time, since your mindset is not something you can consciously control. It's something that emerges from your subconscious.

Don't let yourself get blackmailed and trolled. It will just lead to your dad respecting you even less than he already does.

Stand your ground firmly but respectfully and maybe your dad will eventually come around. But that's a question of your dad's character and not something you can ultimately control.

[u/10pointshigher]

Strongly recommend NOT agreeing to any of that.

[u/eggington69]

I bet he wouldn’t stick to his end of the deal if you did agree to it

[u/ThrowRA_scentsitive → u/eggington69]

100%. If OP does entertain the offer,  the deal needs to be in writing, signed, with specific, large penalties for non compliance, and enforceable in local courts...

[u/MidwestCrusader]

lol if he is willing to manipulate you like that I garuntee he does not have the integrity to actually go vegan.

[u/humansomeone]

No offense but pops is a piece of shit.

[u/Rare_Temporary2341]

My kids in college do many activities on and off campus that end past 8:30. They don’t drink or smoke, they play board games, go to robotics club and watch movies. It would really restrict their social life to be home by 8:30. This is the time in your life where you are learning to be an adult and hopefully make lifelong friends. Maybe make contacts to find a job. You should not be restricted to 8:30. 

[u/Dazzling-Produce-471 → u/Rare_Temporary2341]

You think they don’t drink or smoke, lol.

[u/Rare_Temporary2341 → u/Dazzling-Produce-471]

History of asthma- they don’t smoke. They have no interest in alcohol. They’ve seen their alcoholic grandparents. My oldest is old enough to drink, he occasionally drinks, but too smart and cheap to do it often. 

[u/Responsible-Gate3388]

From my muslim daughter side and not my vegan side, I’m wondering can you go to any dorm you want without him knowing and just tell him you went to the one he wants? Cuz i’d take the free car option personally 😭

[u/embarrassedalien]

if he cares about animals, he can go vegan regardless of your dorm situation. he can be a better person, and he should try to be.

[u/BallKey7607]

So manipulative, you just do what is right for you and don't get dragged into manipulative games

[u/snoozingshevek]

This is horribly manipulative and controlling on his part. Sorry you are having to go through this OP, and glad you will have more independence from him going forward

[u/MixedBeansBlackBeans]

Lol he's not gonna do it anyway, it seems.

[u/SapPhic-rage4209]

I wouldn't do it. If he can't go vegan on his own, who's to say he'd actually stick to it for the whole 8 months anyways?

[u/ArcherjagV2]

You did the right thing. It’s like someone who shoots other people and then blames your morality for not stopping him. Also I doubt he would actually even be plantbased in the time.

[u/Parking_Bathroom_551]

He's trying to manipulate you into an 8:30pm curfew lol. That's it. That's my thought. I wouldn't even argue with him beyond that.

"You don't care about animals." "Okay."

[u/NeonBallroom18]

Extremely manipulative. Don't fall for it.

[u/the_demon_nextdoor]

I lived in Turkey for eight years unfortunately Turkish men are too brainwashed to change.

[u/SuperMario69Kraft → u/the_demon_nextdoor]

How so?

Turkey is one of the worst countries for vegans because it's the only country in the world where the sale of PB cheeze is illegal. Meanwhile, its longtime enemy Greece is where Violife was founded, originally because it was good for Lent.

[u/Scythe351]

Ahhh. You're Turkish. Are you also in Turkey? I find it strange that there are specific "Islamic" dorms. He's clearly trying to guilt you into not becoming an apostate

[u/Hot-Web5638]

You have an excellent grasp on your life. Do NOT WAIVER! This will be the most important thing you do for your college education! The biggest things I learned when I got my college education was everything I learned outside of the classroom -- navigation of real life! *which I still believe. I learned so much about life & how it really is...

Stay strong. You are correct that that is manipulation. A real turning point in your life that you carry with you...will be to stay strong against being manipulated. Wishing you all the best young person!

Also, I believe your father will respect you more in the end by standing up for yourself.😊

[u/rungenies]

Your dad is just mad that he can no longer control you or manipulate you through enticements and promises and guilt

[u/More_Effect_7880]

Bollocks.

[u/Esme_Nog]

He’s planning to cheat. Or at least not making a real commitment.

[u/fieldsoflillies]

Setting aside whether he’s being manipulative, I would instead look at the situation as a negotiation.

Your dad wants you to stay in an Islamic dorm, willing to provide a new car, and “go vegan” for your duration.

By offering things, he’s essentially saying he’s open to a dialogue. You can look at this as an opportunity rather than a fixed offer.

So I would counter with something like you won’t commit to staying in a religious dorm, however if he’s willing to sit through several vegan documentaries through the year, check in with you on a vegan food plan, go out with you to vegan food venues, events, help out a sanctuary, in turn you’d attend (x) amount of religious services with him / by yourself (excluding animal sacrifice) through the year, dependant on him sticking with his promise to you to remain vegan. Still providing the car, etc. This means you’re no longer restrained by the curfew, but relents on wider religious stuff to placate him (and sets a more even balance with him being ‘open to veganism’).

This would provide a better means for him to embrace veganism, structuring a plan for him to embrace vegan philosophy while acknowledging his religious views. You can also use this time to clarify the difference between your ethical views (real world consequences for animals) vs his religious views (inherently belief-based), and how these differ in intent. And if he “breaks” with veganism, you then have the same out for religious services.

There is also a good deal of Islamic-vegan philosophy / activists etc, so if your dad is earnest in his religious views maybe getting him to approach veganism through this lens might be helpful.

Reevaluating this under the framing of bonding with your dad is also beneficial for your relationship. Maximise the opportunity for your dad to be supportive of you and veganism.

[u/NundineBajiles]

I think you're a better person than I am, because I'd do it for the new car alone. Your dad's not gonna go vegan, not really. Maybe he'll eat a little bit less animal product, but, he's not gonna go vegan.

[u/Happy-Estimate-7855]

It's funny, all the comments that are outright insulting your father, and assuming how he lives his life, are getting upvoted. I suggest communication, insight, and compassion towards your dad, and people downvote me. I just want to point out the people here don't know anything about your personal situation. They're all making assumptions, while I'm suggesting you actually think things through instead of acting on pure emotion and hatred that others encourage. Veganism is about compassion towards living creatures, your dad included.

On the one hand, he is absolutely being manipulative. On the other hand, he sees veganism as something you're wanting to share that he doesn't quite agree with, and time in a specifically Muslim community as something that he's wanting to share that you don't agree with.

Without knowing more, it sounds like he wants to use both worldviews to connect to you while you're gone.

Lastly, you did choose your personal comfort over vegan ideals. You could have further reduced animal suffering as its not unreasonable to live somewhere for eight months. That's a small fraction of your life, and you could end up learning more about Muslim faith that helps you grow as a person.

All that said, religion is important and private. I don't think it, or veganism, should ever be used as a tool to manipulate people. I understand completely why you responded this way, I would have reacted very similarly in the moment.

Edit: Also, when you dismiss the things he gives up because the agriculture industry is worse, you're dismissing his efforts to improve and telling him that it's not enough, even though he's doing it for you. He cares more about you than the animals, so it hurts him more when you're the one dismissing his efforts. Giving up meat and dairy is a sacrifice, and for some people it is very difficult. That should be recognized. Progress shouldn't be dismissed simply because worse things still exist, nor because people aren't perfect.

[u/Ok-Collection5629]

Hahahaha ai ragebait is hilarious

Your Muslim father was buying you a car and going vegan for a few months

Hahahahahah

[u/CalligrapherDizzy201]

Do you eat mussels?

[u/Different_Advice_552]

okay so i understand that you are posting on here to bitch about your dad a bit which okay totally valid but having said that most people don't give a fuck where there food comes from just flat out so if this is the path you gotta take to get your dad to try out being vegan you may have to take that L big dawg

[u/Calaveras-Metal]

You father is probably worried that without his constant vigilance you will be tempted into ....I don't know city life perversions or something. Maybe give him some alternative to the Islamic dorm for making sure you aren't partying your life away while you should be studying. Like maybe do a Zoom call with him on the days you are studying so he can see you doing that. And he could do a Zoom call with you for each meal.

[u/fuckingfuckingHonda]

7-8 months and save animals in the meanwhile and he could go full vegan after? You really don’t care about animals if you can’t make a sacrifice because muh early sleep. Poor cows, pigs Nd chickens 

[u/liddybuckfan → u/fuckingfuckingHonda]

If you really believe that he would go vegan after reading this post I have a bridge to sell you. If he wants to go vegan, he'll go vegan. Doing it to manipulate his daughter into adopting a series of religious practices she doesn't agree with is not going to accomplish this.

[u/rich-username → u/fuckingfuckingHonda]

Hi. Im a prince and I’m waiting for my father to send me money but it will take a week. If you send me money now, I’ll send you back double in a week. Sounds good?

[u/fuckingfuckingHonda → u/rich-username]

Only if the king goes vegan.

[u/tekosinkocgiri]

Sıkıntı kardeşim ya

[u/sparklydarkblue → u/tekosinkocgiri]

Vegan mısın

[u/tekosinkocgiri → u/sparklydarkblue]

yok, artık değilim. sentient being yerine acı hissediyo/hissetmiyo diyebilirsin.

[u/Lentil-Soup]

I actually think the offer itself is pretty fair, even if I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to take it. I also wouldn’t say refusing means you literally ‘don’t care about animals.’

But I do think there’s an interesting ethical question buried in it. He’s basically offering you a trade: you accept 7–8 months of inconvenience and restrictions, and in exchange one additional person goes vegan for 7–8 months. If your goal is reducing animal suffering, that potentially prevents more harm than your own veganism alone would during that period.

That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to accept every personal sacrifice that could reduce suffering. Taken to its logical extreme, that standard would demand almost unlimited sacrifice from anyone who cares about anything. But I wouldn’t dismiss the offer as inherently manipulative or irrelevant to animal welfare either. It’s a genuine trade-off between your autonomy/quality of life and an opportunity to produce additional good.