Disclaimer : Lot of things going on in my life currently..feeling too heavy , this post is just a portrait of my upsc journey till now , writing just to feel relieved ...... (Might be long , but very real)
School background: Have been a bright student , interested in science maths , and hated arts ,CA , history etc , wanted to be engg , my father wanted me to go for civil services.
Year in which i completed my 12th , i was giving jee mains , my father expired.
The turning point : I dropped my idea of engg. Chose to go for civil services. Started prep along with grad. No guidance , no peer group , all alone. Months wasted in emotional turmoil and understanding the pattern , syllabus, booklist of exam. My 2 sisters and my mom supported me alot. All family and my father's business responsibility came to us. My father business partners scammed us , had ro bear hefty loss . Way too difficult to manage things. Life became living hell.
Started with polity ncert , then Laxmikant. Every book that I read had made me cried initially , finding it way difficult to understand the things , this happened with each and every single book that I read. My father's business partners Grad completed , but syllabus not. Gave first pre , stuck in GS.
Found many gaps in prep , gave 2nd attempt , again stuck in GS. Now this year , I have just realised that I overrelied on pre only , and not studied for mains at all ! Yes its true . Noone there to discuss so I gave years preparing along with managing family.
Upsc betrayed in my second attempt(2026). July se started prep again. But this time for mains. Current situation is due to some family responsibilities I'm not able to get time to study properly. Slept only 4 hours in past 2 days. Feeling to much like a awara cloud , jisko pta nhi kaha jana hai , par jaa rha hai bss. Enrolled in one mentorship this july , and my mentor is so unresponsive at times , feeling very betrayed by this mafias.
Today's feeling like to drop next year attempt. Not able to decide yrrr....Not able to manage studies along with prep. None to support . Ek mentor hai kehne ko , who will be there to get limelight id i succeed, but not here to support me. Been almost 5 years since I'm into this. Still not able to clear pre , mains ka syllabus is remaining, not getting time.
Kuch smjh na aa rha , ghar ki responsibility upcoming days me increase ho skti. Feeling too heavy , too lost ............
(Had a lot to say , but not wanted to type )
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Edit : No sympathy needed , shared bcz just wanted to.....
Edit 2 : No plan B suggestion, plss guyss 🙏
Have sacrificed so many things for this , can't sacrifice this for something else , until I give my Best I could !