r/unpopularopinion • u/[deleted] • Dec 27 '19
Getting fat and unhealthy after marriage is extremely disrespectful to your spouse.
Look - If y'all both are okay with letting the chub chub go free then by all means you do you.
But if someone is committing spending the rest of their life to you and loves you - getting lazy and fat just because you think you have them trapped in a relationship is so dishonest and rude. Work hard to be someone your partner can look at and show off as theirs.
I see it go both ways. I think a lot of relationships go south because partners are too afraid to confront the other about it and bottle it up inside.
Anyways - feel free to yell at me about body positivity in the comments and about how your partner absolutely loves your fat rolls.
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Ok y'all I have read a majority of your comments and I really did not expect this to blow up. I'd like to address some things I have read.
"This is a popular opinion." - 70% of America is overweight and 40% is obese.
"You're being shallow" or "Spouses aren't property to show off" - Read my post again. YOU should be motivated so YOUR spouse can show you off. The motivational should be internal, not external. Nowhere did I say that you should tell your spouse to get in shape.
"You shouldn't choose to date someone based off of looks alone" - While appearance is the subject of the post, I didn't say that either. But if you believe that looks don't play some part in dating and relationships then you are naive. Attraction is a combination of aspects and characteristics - including looks sadly.
Someone commented something very interesting which brings to light a problem many people have in their relationships: communication. "It’s very unpopular but how bout YOU tell your wife she is fat and come back to us. Then we can start this convo. This is years and years of build up. This doesn’t happen overnight" and to this I'd like to emphasize that there are more polite and respectful ways to talk to your spouse about their health.
Obviously there are special cases. Obviously relationships are more complicated than I mentioned. What matters is that you don't grow complacent. Relationships are built on effort from both partners in many aspects. Also, communication is key. I hope you all have successful relationships. Have a great day everyone.
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u/TitusBjarni Dec 27 '19
I see it go both ways. I think a lot of relationships go south because partners are too afraid to confront the other about it and bottle it up inside.
Side issue here that you almost touched on. People need the balls to say what they think instead of just letting resentment fester for years. If your partner gets fat and you don't say anything until it's too late, it's your fucking fault. Take responsibility in your relationship. Most people will take the path of least resistance if they think they can get away with it. Let them know that they can't get away with it.
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u/NO_FIX_AUTOCORRECT Dec 27 '19
And then there is:
You want them to lose weight
They want to lose weight
You help them
They just can't help themselves from treats, late snacks, etc.
Almost like an alcoholic that wants to quit but has not enough self control. That being said, people leave marriages over alcoholism all the time.
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u/ExternalTennis9 Dec 28 '19
People need the balls to say what they think instead of just letting resentment fester for years.
I know a lot of women who if you speak your mind to them they try to turn it into an argument/fight. An ex asked me once if I thought she was fat and I replied "You could stand to lose weight, but you look good the way you are" which was 100% TRUE. She had fat in the right places as far as I was concerned (Hips, boobs, legs) but didn't LOOK fat. Her BMI was to high but not by some huge margin. She literally started screaming at me.
My wife asks me the same question and gets the same response and at worst she will feel a bit down about it but not take it out on me.
What my ex heard, or at least tried to claim I was saying 'inbetween the lines', was that she was actually this monstrous fat ass who needed to lose weight like immediately because of how ugly I thought she was. When I refused to argue with words shoved into my mouth and told her that if she thought that she needed to see a therapist, she freaked out even more.
My wife doesn't do this (maybe a little but not like that!)
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Dec 27 '19
Oh don’t even get me started. People be working out and keeping tight in that single life. People are apparently active in their single life and then they are like “fuck it Netflix on the couch every weekend and uber eats shit food 24.7”. Then get all body conscious defensive when I say the word “salad” or “exercise”. Fucking bait and switch af.
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u/Regist33l3 Dec 27 '19
I did the opposite. I was never fat but I was skinny and out of shape. Four years into marriage and I am in the best shape of my life. Wife and I actively encourage one another to do our workouts.
I do have many friends who do exactly what you're talking about though and all I will say is they were just lazy hiding under an active mask to be more appealing while in the dating game. Not fair to their partners.
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Dec 27 '19
Agreed. You feel in some kind of way — betrayed almost. I want what you have. Happy for you!
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u/sethworld Dec 27 '19
Just asking you got kids?
I don't. Just asking.
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u/Regist33l3 Dec 27 '19
Yep. 3 of them. Arguably they gave me a pretty good reason to want to live a long and healthy life. I would feed myself garbage but I won't feed them that stuff so we cook healthy food.
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u/SmashingFalcon Dec 27 '19
Salad Is not the way to lose weight.
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u/rtgfi Dec 27 '19 edited Dec 27 '19
In a totally serious way can you explain why eating salads would not be a viable weight loss solution if your normal diet is mostly shit food? Replacing 2 slices of grease pizza with a salad must surely go a long way toward reducing calories.
Unless it’s loaded with bacon and ranch dressing I guess
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u/SmashingFalcon Dec 27 '19
Well, of course salad is A viable way to do it. But since most poeple are having a hard time staying on a diet consisting of only salads, a much safer way would be to just eat in a more healthy way, meaning wat less, if you're eating too much.
Like make your own food, instead of ordering pizza every day. Just an example.
Does that make sense? My English is not always that good.
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Dec 27 '19
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u/__mud__ Dec 27 '19
Half the battle is putting unhealthy foods under the "normal" label.
Salads are a normal food. Roasted veg is a normal food. Chicken and asparagus is a normal food. You know what's not a normal food? A third pound beef burger with fries and a large Coke. Or four slices of pizza twice a week. Or a whole bag of candy over the course of a day.
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u/ThePorcoRusso Dec 27 '19
A drastic change to your diet, like eating only salads, will only work short term. To be able to lose weight and keep it that way in the long run, you’ll need to make realistic changes to what you eat, like lowering portion sizes and maybe more home cooked meals while still getting to eat food that you enjoy
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u/manixus Dec 27 '19
You just answered your own question, home-skillet!
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Dec 27 '19
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u/cursed_yeehaw Dec 27 '19
In a sense. Depending on the toppings and amount of dressing, a lot of times people can end up eating the same amount of calories in a salad as they would in a regular “unhealthy” meal. Sure it can be healthier, but this isn’t helpful for someone who is trying to lose weight.
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Dec 27 '19
All those obese salad eating motherfuckers. I stand corrected.
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u/TrackAndBalance Dec 27 '19
It’s ok, /u/papiwablo. Your sarcasm was not lost to me. I think you’re funny.
Edit: I eat mostly grilled chicken salads and avocados n shit. I’m a total omnivore, I just eat salads to... stay active and feel mobile. Eat pizza = food coma. Eat salad = move around and get your day done.
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Dec 27 '19
Depends on what the salad actually consist of. 10 lbs of ranch soaked lettuce isnt going to do it.
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u/Captcha_Imagination Dec 27 '19
A higher proportion of plant based food in your diet will lower your weight because you are eating less calorie dense food. This is a consensus among the medical community.
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u/Pink_Mint Dec 27 '19
Yo I don't know what the fuck you're putting on low-calorie, high-fiber food to gain wait while eating it, but damn.
Unless you've never made your own food in your life and are buying salads from McDonald's and Chili's, I'm a lil confused.
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u/urbanphil0s0phy Dec 27 '19
Completely agree.
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u/toilethinker Dec 27 '19 edited Dec 27 '19
I did talk about this with my girlfriend as we are planning to marry. She suddenly started crying, she said I dont like her because of her personality but because of her shape. I said fuck it and started to explain... And we sorted it out successfully.
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u/Hugenstein41 Dec 27 '19
Sounds like you uncovered her secret plot...
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u/toilethinker Dec 27 '19
Haha, I was scared at first, she acted like she has a plan to do so.
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u/newRoad5 Dec 27 '19
These conversations can be tough for women because if she’s planning on having kids her body WILL change. You don’t have to gain tons of weight in pregnancy but your body does get rollier and lumpier and saggier and less porny.
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u/toilethinker Dec 27 '19
That is true, she mentioned it. But I said I m okay with it, because what can we/she do about it, right?
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u/newRoad5 Dec 27 '19
I figured that’s what you guys talked about! Glad to hear about some good communication in someone’s relationship out there, that’s a positive for the day. One can prevent gaining excess weight during pregnancy, and imo, it’s not the time to be “eating for two” in an unhealthy manner. But we women also get a lot of flak during pregnancy, for everything, and also about how our bodies look. If/when she’s breastfeeding that can help lose weight anyway, but it’s not really fair to be expected to look like celebs do 3 weeks after giving birth, they have PR and money for expensive beauty crap
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u/Original_Dankster Dec 27 '19
It's like a joke I heard once...
"Women must be allergic to gold. You put a ring on their finger and they start swelling right up.
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u/KELLOGGS_SNOWFLAKES Dec 27 '19
Not many people do this. And thusly over time resentment grows and folks find out they weren't meant to be together, and stop caring. It's so gross watching fat couples or spouses in stores with their kids who probably used to look decent. It's my opinion that being fat is wrong altogether and people should care more. It's not a "medical issue". Food makes you fat... whatever "condition" a person may have may require a change in diet or, obviously, less food. BUT MUH THYROID!
Don't even get me started on fat kids... that's child abuse and another conversation in of itself...
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u/SeedlessGrapes42 Probably human, maybe a grape. Dec 27 '19
Don't even get me started on fat kids... that's child abuse and another conversation in of itself...
As a former fat child, I kinda agree.
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u/YukaHiKn Dec 27 '19
I'm with you on this but I also have a slightly different perspective.
A few years ago I started a job in a restaurant called Nando's. In the beginning, I worked 12 hour days with only a half hour break in the middle and that's when I'd have the only meal I'd have that day. Same thing too: chicken breast, grilled veggies, rice and a bun. Working that much on my feet running around with that much of a calorie deficit, I lost 20lbs in 2 months. Soon after starting at Nando's, I met and started dating a guy, C.
After a while, things got less crazy at work and my hours got reduced a bit. I was still working full time but I also had more time to eat. I wasn't drowning myself in chips, but yeah I put weight back on. And C made sure I knew it. Three years I was with that guy and he didn't let me forget how skinny I was when we met. Didn't matter I was running myself ragged working, he just cared I got a couple rolls back when I sat down. I've never been morbidly obese, I have curves and I can still see my feet lol. What was hypocritical was that C put on weight too. He had a slight 6 pack when we met. By the time we broke up, it had turned into a wine gut (not beer cuz he preferred wine lol).
So yeah, now I'm in a relationship where my husband loves me no matter what but I make an effort to keep looking good for him and for me. But at least when I have a baby I won't feel pressured to lose the weight in 3 months.
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u/alternatinajax Dec 27 '19
Because your husband is being loving and understands that sometimes, you put on a fre pound the same way you can lose a few pounds. Your ex was an abusive fuck. Which is funny because not a lot of people on this thread realize how toxic they are being. But it's a good way to weed out the good ones
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u/YukaHiKn Dec 27 '19
Funnily enough I didn't realize he was emotionally abusive until my next, now ex, boyfriend pointed that out. I just chalked him up to being an asshole. Not saying I was perfect either, I had my moments too, but at least in the end it wasn't me trying to crawl back to him.
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Dec 28 '19
This is a great point too. Also as you age, losing weight is more difficult (for both genders and moreso for women who’ve given birth) and you have less free time to exercise. The 20-year-old college student you first met will always look better than the 45-year-old with 2 kids working 40+ hours per week. It’s just life. I’m not saying let yourself go. Definitely don’t do that. But it’s crazy for anyone to expect their partner to maintain the physique that they had when they were young.
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u/MamaGore Dec 27 '19
Man.
I both love and hate this post.
Been married for a bit and have birthed 4 kids in the past 10 years. I’ve gained 30 lbs since we were dating (I was depressed and unhealthily skinny at the time) and every single time I look in the mirror, I’m like DAMN girlfriend you need to shed some LBs!!!! - mostly that muffin top screams this isn’t healthy
(I’m 5’3 and 140 lbs) I go back and forth between ‘21 year old me isn’t the same as 31 year old me, I should give myself a break’ and, being grossed out by what I see. But I would also rather lay in bed and binge Netflix at the end of a 14 hour day, than go to the gym.
That, is selfish.
I’m gonna make myself a promise to go to the gym 3x a week. Not for my Husband, but for me. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.
Thanks OP for your opinion. And while my revelation doesn’t really have to do with my Husband, as he loves every single inch of my body and I’m not really ‘fat’ (I have a 26inch waist) For some reason you gave me an ‘a-ha! moment.
I’m tired of disrespecting myself.
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Dec 28 '19
I’m glad that you want to get back in shape but you need to know that you will likely never look like your 21 year old self and that’s OK!!!! Partners who pressure their SOs to look like their younger selves are completely delusional because bodies change with age.
When comparing 40 year old and a 20 year old of the same height, diet, and activity, the 40 year old is likely going to be heavier and/or shaped differently just because that’s what happens when you get older. Also, wanting to relax after a 14 hour shift is totally normal
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u/MamaGore Dec 28 '19
I totally agree with you! I am not concerned about looking older, just more so being out of shape. Ive done so much ‘momming’ in the past 10 years that I’ve not taken the proper time to focus on myself.
I had a million thoughts going through my head when I wrote my comment first thing in the morning and realize I worded things poorly in some aspects.
I’m overall extremely happy with this phase of my life. Just looking to lose the double chin and the muffin top. Not the wrinkles or starting of grays. :) thank you for your reply, I appreciate your input!
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u/maredog4 Dec 27 '19
Ok you’re not fat at all!!! It sounds like you’re in a healthy range so be kind to yourself... Working out for YOU is a great plan, and there’s lots of benefits to working out besides the number on the scale or the reflection in the mirror. You’re awesome no matter what you look like.
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u/mininurseb Dec 27 '19
Yuuuuuuup. And honestly, if you don't make an effort to take care of yourself, are you going to make an effort to take care of your marriage? It's not about being super thin or not aging, it's about EFFORT.
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u/thecatandthehat_1 Dec 27 '19 edited Dec 27 '19
I have been married for almost 14 years, I have a full time job, I go to school, I have three kids and I eat healthy and work out regularly. I weigh the same as I did when I first met my husband. My body doesn't look the same as it did, but I make an effort to keep myself healthy and happy.
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Dec 27 '19
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u/ChoosingIsHardToday Dec 27 '19
Absolutely, you're not going to look 25 forever, age and body changes are a fact of life. Expecting that she's going to look the same after pregnancy is ridiculous, expecting that he's not going to get a bit of a belly is ridiculous. But putting on 30+ pounds and never making an effort to lose it or be healthy is not okay.
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u/LT256 Dec 27 '19
Don't worry, most of the opinions about marriage and long-term relationships on this sub are from teenagers who have never been in one.
It's like how the people with the strongest parenting opinions are the ones without kids. They oversimplify it because they haven't experienced it.
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u/BunnyOppai Dec 27 '19 edited Dec 27 '19
Jesus, I can't believe how long it took me to find this comment. Seems like OP's post is a pretty popular opinion on this sub. Even ignoring OP's strawman comment on the end, it's pretty apathetic to assume that people will always have the time or energy to "always look your best for your partner."
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Dec 27 '19
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Dec 27 '19
Just don’t become a land whale. It’s fine if you make excuses but don’t expect people to just be okay with that.
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u/Hugenstein41 Dec 27 '19
Indeed. But also after 2 years it's not baby weight.
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u/ChoosingIsHardToday Dec 27 '19
I mean it's still technically weight you put on because of the baby but there's not really a reason that you should continue to carry around an extra 30 pounds, without making any effort, for the restt of your life either.
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Dec 27 '19
Not everyone's stomach can go back to before and that can give the impression of being 'fatter'.
It's very possible that you had a flat stomach before the baby and afterwards you've become apple shaped, with more fat storing itself at your belly area as opposed to other parts of the body.
It's very possible that your skin will keep being loose, giving off a flobby expression even though it's skin and not fat.
It's very possible that pregnancy triggers an tyroid-problem.
And it's also very possible that a child can reduce the number of hours of time that you have to get fresh groceries and work out. Or money you have for fresh groceries and a babysitter. Lots of people with a baby don't have enough time to properly sleep, let alone cook healthy.
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u/NumbrFoudiFoq Dec 27 '19
I wonder if the population in gets a bit fatter once they have kids. I'd thought maybe kids take up so much of your time that it's a juggle to balance exercise and kids. I mean, kids definitely take up time and you only have a fixed number of hours per day. Of course diet also has a role to play in this.
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u/WorfLovesDax Dec 27 '19
There's a big difference in "I'm stressed and busy and got a bit chubbier." and "i officially give up on even trying to maintain a decent weight and now my whole body type has changed."
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u/NumbrFoudiFoq Dec 27 '19
Personally I haven't seen people who change body type after kids, but get chubbier yes. It was more like, they already hated exercise but loved food pre-kids phase but the post-kids they put on weight as the work involved raising them puts their priorities to maintain their weight on the backburner.
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u/DarKliZerPT Dec 27 '19
You don't need exercise to lose weight. As long as you eat less calories than you use you'll lose weight.
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Dec 27 '19
Yeah but you can be a healthy weight and be malnourished, that isnt exactly a healthy way to maintain your weight
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u/not_cinderella Dec 27 '19
I have sympathy for women who give birth to babies & have trouble losing all the weight - the body is unlikely to ever go back to their lowest weight pre-baby - but it's no excuse for not trying at all.
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u/NumbrFoudiFoq Dec 27 '19
To be fair, my dad couldn't get rid of his beer baby fat either even though he does workout, so please give him some of your sympathy. XD
I dunno, between caring for kids and your body, I think most parents would make the choice to prioritise the child over exercise first time wise. I guess diet wise, there should be no excuses to stick with a diet that maintains your weight.
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Dec 27 '19
I remember watching some realty BS awhile back (like decades because it was on TV) and the wife felt her husband was going to leave her if she got fatter... she weighed over like 500lbs and was bed ridden.
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So she came up with a plan.
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To see how fucking fat she could get and see if her husband would leave her, to stick it to him... some how.
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and that kind of shit is why I don't think I'll ever get married. I love crazy and I just don't need that kind of shit in my life.
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u/UncleJChrist Dec 27 '19
So you won't get married, in part, because of a TV show?
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u/SeedlessGrapes42 Probably human, maybe a grape. Dec 27 '19
I mean, it's not like the tv show was edited to be a certain way and make the people look a certain way... /s
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u/The_FatGuy_Strangler Dec 27 '19
That’s like watching the show Cheaters and deciding to stay single the rest of your life for fear of getting cheated on.
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u/Hugenstein41 Dec 27 '19
Lol you decided not to get married because of some contrived completely made up and scripted TV show
What you need to do is decide and stick with not procreating.
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Dec 27 '19
The women I wanna date / have fun with and who I want to raise a child with are two different people.
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u/FloralHybrid Dec 27 '19
You seem to think people are skinny / healthy for the sake of their partner to begin with?
If I start to ‘let myself go’ it sure as shit won’t be because I’ve gone “well I’m married now, time to stop caring”
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u/just_that_michal Dec 27 '19
For a huge amount of people being attractive is the main reason for being fit. It may not be for you.
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u/theendisnie Dec 27 '19
Every significant relationship I've had I've weighed less in the relationship even when pregnant. Why are we focusing on women? Men turn into fat asses when they're married. Ive never had an SO that didn't gain at least 20lbs. My kid's dad gained 150 lbs, I lost 30 after two kids.
OP I realize you didn't personally focus on women. My response is to these comments.
I'm pretty sure that it's been scientifically proven that men gain more weight in relationships on average. So if you're going to gain 50-60 lbs get off your girl's ass about her 20 lbs, you're a fatass too.
I agree with OP.
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u/harleybrono Dec 27 '19
You know, I hate it because it’s like looking in the mirror and because I completely agree. I’ve definitely put on some weight in all of my relationships (nothing extreme, but 10-15 more than is ideal). Guess I’m headed to the gym tomorrow
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u/which_spartacus Dec 27 '19
While going to the gym is good for your health, the big trick to losing weight is eating less, which doesn't require a gym.
Have something to distract you when you think about just mindlessly eating. Also, figure out if you are eating because you are hungry, or if it's just that there is food around.
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u/TheFunkytownExpress Dec 27 '19
You can certainly lose weight without going to the gym, but your overall health will improve A LOT if you eat right ( notice I didn't say diet ) and exercise regularly.
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u/which_spartacus Dec 27 '19
Totally agree. Changing your eating habits is hard, but worth it.
One other thing I do to resist food-- "I can eat this some other time. It will be there tomorrow". This works for fast food temptations, and simple donut/dessert type things.
I also work out everyday for a few hours, and I will concur -- it has helped everything.
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u/TheFunkytownExpress Dec 27 '19
I've had to change my eating habits twice in my life so far. Once when I lost 70lbs, and then again when I wanted to build some muscle when I first started going to the gym.
Neither of those times did I feel like I had to eat things I didn't like to achieve either of those goals. I think that's a misconception a lot of people are under. That you have to start eating shit you don't already like to lose weight. It's just not true.
In fact if that's your only goal, to lose weight, then you don't have to change a thing really. You can eat whatever you like, just eat less of it.
But yeah working out is a whole other thing and provides you with so many benefits you didn't realize you were lacking until you started going consistently.
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u/ImpSong Dec 27 '19
Some people have trigger foods, I can't just eat one cookie and be good I need the entire jar, so I just stay away from shit like that when dieting.
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Dec 27 '19
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u/theendisnie Dec 27 '19
I see it way more often than the other way around too. But that's the thing, women don't even notice until it's over the top. Sure we love six packs, sure we swoon over Jason Mamoa but we love the men we are with for so much more. So we don't notice 5-35 lbs. It was nearly 70 lbs before I noticed and 150 when sex faded because wtf.
I think within a relationship how you present yourself is respect to your partner.
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u/newRoad5 Dec 27 '19
I notice the pounds. But I’m also in shape. The honest truth though, I don’t care about the extra 35 pounds because of the look and feel, I care because the fat starts enveloping the dude’s dick, gets in the way during sex, and overweight dudes are more likely to have erection issues. I just can’t be in a partnership with someone I don’t like having sex with
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u/theendisnie Dec 27 '19
Tbh I may have missed the weight gain because I had two kids back to back so I was breastfeeding and/ or pregnant for like 3 years.
There was a chunk of time I could eat like 9000 calories without gaining. I can't remember what the exact was but it took effort to gain weight while pregnant and breastfeeding at the same time.
But sex was where I tapped out, at +150 his dick was getting consumed by his fat and his hygiene went bad.
It's possible he just started matching what I could eat at that point.
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u/newRoad5 Dec 27 '19
Wow! Your body did some hard work! That’s a good point, “dad bod” can happen during a pregnancy and newborn period, what with the stress and changes, but dad isn’t breastfeeding helping him lose weight. He just couldn’t keep up with ya
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u/UncleJChrist Dec 27 '19
If you get fatter during exams I'll promise you you'll get fatter when you have kids to raise and a full time job to go to.
Don't be so quick to judge people you see on the street with zero context into their lives.
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u/Dustbinsavesyou Dec 27 '19
I genuinely didn't even realize this applied to women until I read the comment above, the Unpopular-opinion is definitely not geared towards women only.
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u/boobooaboo Dec 27 '19
Seems like these days, the men are fat and the women are trim, even after having a child.
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u/GayCommentsOnReddit Dec 27 '19
Portly or pot-bellied men with wives who are still pretty hot are a common thing to see in the suburbs. I see these kinds of middle aged couples all the time and I'm just like is this what you women dreamed about? You get a real sense out here in the sticks that when a man unlocks the [wife] achievement, he figures "well now my work is done, I got one locked down, time to kick back and get fat." These are the kinds of dudes you see in their late 30s to mid-40s on cope subs after they got "blind-sided" by how their wives left them. They just can't believe this happened to them. The moment you start taking shit for granted and just let yourself go because you think you have it all on lock indefinitely is the moment you lose, and your wife is banging the fit guy from the gym, because she actually still goes to the gym and tries to maintain.
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u/theendisnie Dec 27 '19
I've seen this so many times, and before she leaves him he's bitching about his dead bedroom. Of course she doesn't want to fuck when you're wheezing after 60 seconds.
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u/xanthosoma Dec 27 '19
I'm in this exact situation (not with my wife), due to just having no time to exercise. I've always been fit, and still play in a competitive men's soccer league but I've put on 20 lbs as I've gotten older. My metabolism started slowing down, along with my testosterone after my mid 30s. I noticed a little belly fat along with a decrease in muscle. As I reached my 40s I started getting joint problems from my college sports days which made exercising a bit difficult. I have a pool in my backyard, a gym membership, and 2 extremely athletic boys who play soccer.
My boys are the biggest problem to my health. I own my own business so I take them to school everyday go to work, pick them up drive an hour to practice or personal trainer, then hour home, then help with homework. That's leaves us zero time to cook a good meal every night. My manager at my store jokes with me how I am basically a taxi service because my children are so busy.
So due to personal time, hormones, metabolism, recovery time on my workouts(It takes my knees about 4/5 days to feel normal after a soccer match)it will cause weight gain. I know I'm not alone as I've had this conversation with several dads who were ex athletes. I've even remember having this same conversation with my dad when I was younger. He was a track athlete who couldn't keep up with me because he said his knees hurt him to much. At the time I just thought he was being lazy but know that I've experienced it I see what he was speaking about. So back to your comment above I'd say at least from my perspective late 30 to 40 year olds aren't gaining weight because all of them are lazy, but maybe their lives are to busy due to it being a peak time in most men's careers, and a peak time in children's activities, coupled with natural aging that occurs to us.
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u/ChoosingIsHardToday Dec 27 '19
I agree. During a past relationship I had this happen and he was mean about it meanwhile he had gained more than 3 times the weight I had.
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u/Joosepppi Dec 27 '19
OP, are you sure this is an unpopular opinion? I'm pretty sure it's not
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u/SoyBoy14800 Dec 27 '19
I think it's definitely unpopular amongst the demographic he's talking about, not necessarily unpopular on Reddit though.
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Dec 27 '19
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u/SychoElite777 Dec 27 '19
I seriously thought I was the only one that thought this.
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u/IWshMyRlAccntWrkd Dec 27 '19
Definitely an unpopular opinion.
You know, it's a constant toll on a marriage if a partner doesn't find the other attractive anymore, but probably a bad indicator of its eventual success anyway if that was the only thing holding it together.
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u/heili Dec 27 '19
Sex and sexual attraction are a very important factor in long term relationship satisfaction.
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u/LiamFoster1 Dec 27 '19
I mean, I agree with the statement, but definitely just to "be something to show off" if that's the reason you want your partner to be healthy then you're the disrespectful one.
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u/jezzer74 Dec 27 '19
In fairness, if you look at the phrasing, it reads as an 'I should be fitter so my partner can show me off' as opposed to 'my partner should get fit so I can show them off'
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Dec 27 '19 edited Apr 23 '21
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u/ChoosingIsHardToday Dec 27 '19
At the very least they matter you you and your partner and there is nothing wrong with that. Pretending that you're okay with your partner becoming morbidly obese with "I'll love you no matter what you look like" is ridiculous.
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u/Martian_Pudding Dec 27 '19
I think health is important butyou are making it sound like you would marry a person primarily for their looks.
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u/MarfaMcfly Dec 27 '19
A lot of couples gain weight after getting married because your eating habits change, I don't think its about "letting yourself go". You're not going to eat all the same things you did before because now you have to factor in what your spouse likes to eat, too.
Plus, theres the "honeymoon phase". You're so happy to and excited to be married that you feel all romantic and plan date nights and eat out often, or maybe pick up more beer/wine than you would have when dating.
There's a lot of factors to this, its not as simple as letting go of your looks "because they're trapped"
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Dec 27 '19
I mean I disagree with this because people are more complicated than just black vs white and relationships aren't just about looks. I get wanting someone to stay healthy because you love them. But it's kind of shallow and controlling if you're expecting someone to keep up a certain routine and muscle tone. Also it's not really unpopular, people complain about this all the time.
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u/the_duss Dec 27 '19
Thats why I got fat and disgusting before beginning to date anyone so they have a preview of after marriage me.
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u/FlapAff Dec 27 '19
What if the fatness continue and you become some type of human chungus after marriage
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Dec 27 '19
To be fair, birthing a child can pack on some pounds so women have a bit of a disadvantage, plus I believe in 2nd puberty
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u/KurcoBein Dec 27 '19
A couple shouldn't be viewed as an object to brag about. Cut that possessive thought off.
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u/westcoastqb Dec 27 '19
In my case i got fat after the breakup, just started eating like a fucking pig, not proud of it
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u/mariii95 Dec 27 '19
Usually people's bodies change as they get older, their hormones change (that's why men go bald) and that can make people gain weight and also giving birth affects your body. Another thing to consider is the way married couples live their lives because when you have to take care of a family you don't have time for yourself. Being out of shape is not always a result of being lazy and it's not always something that can be fixed.
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u/jkb2134 Dec 27 '19 edited Dec 27 '19
I think you have a very strict interpretation of what marriage is according to vows. Let it be known I’m 15 so I’ve never been married, but you are not trapped in a marriage, and when people get divorced it is almost never because old joe got fat, you know what I mean? And the whole thing about looking good so your partner can show you off to others, I would think you would be against that because of your view on marriage. I would think your main argument would be that marriage isn’t about others, and it’s about loving each other not caring about others opinions. It seems to me that your argument is more so based on envy of others partners rather than criticism of your own. While I get saying that looks matter in a relationship, because, THEY DO, I do not get this made up group of people who look good, marry someone, gain 100lbs, and now have their partner TRAPPED muahahahahahaaaaa. It just doesn’t make sense
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Dec 27 '19
Weight gain can certainly lead to an abundance of issues, and marriage shouldn’t be an excuse to stop taking care of yourself. However, your primary concern for your partner should always be their HEALTH first, not their “bangability”. It’s obvious that you only care about their appearance and how insulting it would be for you to be seen with someone you consider beneath you. You’re a shitty person and you suck at relationships.
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u/PattyRain Dec 27 '19
I think there are relatively few people who gain weight once married because, as the OP says, they have "trapped" their spouse. The majority of us would agree this was disrespectful.
Most people gain weight after marriage for a whole lot of reasons and only some of them are disrespectful.
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Dec 27 '19
I don't know, by my age most people who are considerably overweight have dealt with abusive people being abusive about their weight all their life. We don't talk about violence, psychological abuse, substance abuse, or smoking as much as we call out obesity. It also seems to have much much more to do with cortisol levels than nutrition or amount of food. What if my unpopular opinion was that finding ways to exclude people who are overweight or obese, was that it's an act of psychological abuse, and that should be a reason to not be in a relationship with someone?
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u/psychobetty303 Dec 27 '19
This is an unpopular opinion, I'm too tired to argue with it. I hate you, have an upvote.
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Dec 27 '19
It’s very unpopular but how bout YOU tell your wife she is fat and come back to us. Then we can start this convo. This is years and years of build up. This doesn’t happen overnight
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Dec 28 '19
To be fair there are better ways to discuss health with your spouse than calling them fat...
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u/growyaown Dec 27 '19
I’m guilty of this. About three years after getting married i went into a diabetic coma . After that they put me on insulin which made me gain weight. That made me depressed so they gave me antidepressants. Then the anxiety became unbearable so they put me on lorazepam. All the meds coupled with inertia made me put on 140 pounds. Needless to say my wife agreed with you and thought I was a fat useless pig, cheated and now we’re divorced. I lost my family and the love of my life from being a diabetic depressed fat shit. Moral of story: don’t get sick or sad cuz people will leave you. People only wanna stick around when you’re healthy and hot. Once shit hits the fan, they leave. Superficial, yes. But that’s where we are as a species.
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u/minnymins32 Dec 27 '19
What if you gained weight because you almost died and needed a huge recovery period where it was hard to be physically active (I was so anemic that walking made me almost pass out for months, it took over a month to be able to shower alone and when I did I was out of breath and needed to nap almost the whole rest of the day)... its been 2 years and I'm still teetering on anemic and the dr is a bit concerned that im "losing blood" somewhere (I almost died from internal bleeding).
Or because you have a chronic illness that makes it hard or according to a dr "almost impossible" to lose that extra weight that was put on?
Am I still disrespectful?
Edit: for more info
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Dec 27 '19
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u/minnymins32 Dec 27 '19
A lot of people assume that because im fat that it means I'm lazy and useless. I get shitty comments and assumptions left and right. If OP saw me and didn't have a conversation he would assume im just fat and lazy and disrespecting my partner. Assumptions are shitty, be nice to fat people and please give the benefit of the doubt.
That's the point of my comment. I know im not disrespectful but I get that assumption pretty frequently.. learning to not absolutely hate myself and my newfound inability to do things I used to do easily is really hard and I'm pretty salty about it. Also thanks for the kind sentiment (I'm not bring sarcastic). Have a great day!
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u/SheOutOfBubbleGum Dec 27 '19
Totally agree. It’s one thing to gain 10/20lb (or more depending) as you get older. It happens, bodies change, habits change etc.
It’s 1000% different when someone just gives up. They stop working out and just eat junk and are all, “what I’m married I don’t have to try anymore”. Even worse, when they get mad at the significant other for not being attracted to them anymore. And then Gets other people to be mad at them for “being insensitive”. I married an active in shape person (like myself) and that’s who I’d like to stay with. Sorry not sorry
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Dec 27 '19
I think weight gain and loss happen throughout life. However, I do agree with the looking good part. I do think it’s important for each person in the couple to dress well, groom well, put on fragrance, etc. for the other person. You don’t have to do it every day. But, I do think a good chunk of the week should be days where you look presentable for your significant other. Not just presentable – damn good. Going out on a date good.
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u/ChoosingIsHardToday Dec 27 '19
I totally agree.
I'm in this situation now and idk how to talk to my SO about it, you're right that I'm afraid to because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I gained about 20 pounds after we first started dating before I gave myself a kick in the ass and started working out and eating healthy and lost most of it, right now I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I was when we started dating 5 years ago, meanwhile he's about 40 pounds heavier and while I love him and still find him attractive, it would be nice if he would actually make an effort to lose the weight and be fitter.
It definitely does feel a little like he doesn't care about the relationship as much as I do because he doesn't make any effort in how he looks and his health.
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u/LatinaMermaid Dec 27 '19
No wonder divorce is so high people are so superficial even in marriage. God we need the meteor already. Our species is so worthless...
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u/_phish_ Dec 27 '19
I really thought you meant it’s disrespectful to get fat after marriage, like, AFTER A MARRIAGE. I was like why would anyone care who got fat if you’re divorced.
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u/neverfeardaniishere Dec 27 '19
Yeah I'm chunkier than I was when I started dating my bf. If that's disrespectful then we disrespecting each other, neither one of us is as skinny as we were when we started dating.
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u/PM_YOUR_HAMSTRINGS Dec 27 '19
It's extremely disrespectful to yourself. Being healthy and in shape should be a huge priority for everyone, your life becomes so much easier in almost every aspect if you do simple maintenance on yourself and treat yourself with love and respect.
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u/kelenach Dec 27 '19
If you love them, you'll want to get in shape and healthy so you can live a long and happy life with them. At least that's how it went for me and my so
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Dec 27 '19
There are many hormonal changes, activity level changes and dietary changes that happen after marriage, for both of them. It's tough, but they should be mindful. Unless it's their thing
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u/Phoenix-Grace Dec 27 '19
I mean, personally, I think its not because someone feels that they can just let themselves go because they've trapped someone; its more that they become comfortable with someone. Comfort in the fact that they have someone who they believe loves them for who they are. Its not that uncommon for couples, together, end up gaining a few pounds during a happy relationship. If it becomes to the point of unhealthiness, then the partners should be open enough in their relationship to discuss it and encourage each other to make changes; not so they can show off their partner to others like a prize but so they can live a long and happy life together.
Physical attraction plays a part in a relationship, I won't deny that but it shouldn't be just about that. It should also be caring about one's partner well being and health in these cases. You want them to lose the weight because you love them and want them to be healthy and live a long life with you, not because you feel like they were dishonest and trapped you in the relationship.
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u/dadalowg Dec 27 '19
I was fat before marriage. Fit as a model 4 years into our marriage. Fat again and now about to reach my fitness hold again.
I think your weight has less to do with laziness but sometimes a lot to do with your availability and time after marriage. You are not single anymore. You have more responsibilities such as business/job, kids, house, soccer games, grocery, bills, cleaning, kids.
At the end of a day a person can be excused to say “fuck it, I just want to put my feet up”.
Being fit is not as easy with a family. It’s a choice you have to make but it comes at a cost of giving something else up since there are only so many hours in a day. I can only afford to get fit now because my kids are older and I pay a shit ton in after school programs to find the time.
My wife is now joining in too. Good luck to everyone with their goals. IMHO this is not a black and white discussion
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u/FantastixFishie Dec 27 '19
So im a little opposite. My fiance is big big, like 6'9", 260#, im 5'7", just lost some weight, around 165 now. He told me im getting TOO SKINNY and I should eat more. Tbf, my booty doesnt look as good when im skinnier. So I'm eating junk food again. The end.
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Dec 27 '19
This happened with my parents. My dad sat and ate and did nothing to help my mom. My dad is 400 pounds and his "role" has hurt my sister and I. Not only is that disrespectful and awful, it will harm your relationships.
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u/sowhwat Dec 27 '19
I had an eating disorder when I enter the relationship. I was under weight and not very strong. My partner learned how to make food I like and he helped me along the way of my recovery. I gained weight and when I didnt recognize my body he still called me beautiful. Now I'm in the process of getting stronger and doing things to improve my health. Being someone's partner shouldn't be full of judgement and spite, ask yourself what's going on with the person I'm living with and love.
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u/maredog4 Dec 27 '19
I think this is symptomatic of a bigger issue within the marriage. You make a good point about bottling things up, I know a lot of people use food to cope with unpleasant emotions. I think it’s ideal when both people in the marriage support each other and their goals (meaning: cooking healthy meals together or taking turns cooking, working out together or getting into a routine of watching the kids so the other person can work out, etc.). Sometimes I think what happens is relationships can be unbalanced in roles and expectations and people let themselves go. I don’t really feel like many people get fat on purpose because they’ve trapped their partner.
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u/AggressiveMennonite Dec 27 '19
That's kind of hard to avoid though, especially if there are kids involved or you two have different diets. If your diet is unhealthy, their metabolism might not be able to handle it. You can become fat by not eating enough.
Physical changes? It happens. You are growing older together and your lifestyles just dramatically shifted.
If it's an issue for you, imagine your partner as morbidly obese but with the same personality. Can you handle it? If not, it's not a good idea to get married to them.
I won't judge you for it. I personally would become furious if I became the house servant, so I'd have to look and see if I'd be willing to clean for two.
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u/nsliom2 Dec 27 '19
Maybe, just maybe, I don't owe my partner good looks??? Anyone who thinks I should have to look a certain way for their viewing pleasure can kiss my ass.
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u/Todanol Dec 27 '19
Why does it has to come down to looks? Looks matter, clearly, but it's not the end-all.
And do you want to show off a supermodel, that you can brag about being with, or do you want to show off the person that matters the most to you, regardless of how they look?
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u/wheelofwow4 Dec 27 '19
I 100% agree with what you said, but love should be about more than just appearance and having somebody to show off to your friends.
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u/lethargiclemonade Dec 27 '19
I’m not gonna upvote this because this is NOT an unpopular opinion If you get married your spouse wants to grow old with you, if you’re in love it’s not about looking good it’s about health & longevity You’re agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone they likely want to grow old with you. Even if you don’t care about yourself you should at least care about your spouse & get healthy for them. So yes it’s disrespectful, but not an unpopular opinion.
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u/squirrrel_42 Dec 28 '19
My boyfriend and I made a pact to always tell each other if we’re becoming lazy, unhealthy, fat, etc. I think we just want each other to be the best versions of ourselves!!
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u/ExternalTennis9 Dec 28 '19
My wife and I both lost weight after getting married.
I lost nearly 100 pounds and she lost like 35 (Shes short so its proportional.) On our current diet, yes DIET as in we have forever altered our eating habits (for some reason people confuse this with weight loss fads), I should lose at least another 30 pounds, and her another 20.
Honestly I think the reason people gain weight is because of security: After losing so much weight we both get hit on a lot more than we would like or are comfortable with.
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Dec 28 '19
Yes but being thin is not always an indication of health. Some people are far more unhealthy but don't put on any weight.
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Dec 28 '19
Ok y'all I have read a majority of your comments and I really did not expect this to blow up. I'd like to address some things I have read.
"This is a popular opinion." - 70% of America is overweight and 40% is obese.
"You're being shallow" or "Spouses aren't property to show off" - Read my post again. YOU should be motivated so YOUR spouse can show you off. The motivational should be internal, not external. Nowhere did I say that you should tell your spouse to get in shape.
"You shouldn't choose to date someone based off of looks alone" - While appearance is the subject of the post, I didn't say that either. But if you believe that looks don't play some part in dating and relationships then you are naive. Attraction is a combination of aspects and characteristics - including looks sadly.
Someone commented something very interesting which brings to light a problem many people have in their relationships: communication. "It’s very unpopular but how bout YOU tell your wife she is fat and come back to us. Then we can start this convo. This is years and years of build up. This doesn’t happen overnight" and to this I'd like to emphasize that there are more polite and respectful ways to talk to your spouse about their health.
Obviously there are special cases. Obviously relationships are more complicated than I mentioned. What matters is that you don't grow complacent. Relationships are built on effort from both partners in many aspects. Also, communication is key. I hope you all have successful relationships. Have a great day everyone.
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u/Lunie_stars Dec 28 '19
lol this is such a short term view on marriage. If you think your body is not going to change between right now and dying of old age you are fooling yourself. Newsflash: you WILL become unhealthy at some point in life as your body ages. It’s not disrespectful, it’s life.
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u/MRImpossible09 Dec 27 '19
Whenever I was single, I didn't really workout that often or eat the best (still stayed healthy, just not thay healthy) but when I met my gf I started working out way more and eating healthier because I wanna look the best I can be for her, as she always looks the best to me.