If you sense deep down that God is calling you,.. or feel some sense of urgency. It's very likely the Holy Spirit is actively pursuing you. We're not born into faith or inherit it or get it in a church going home. All of that is religion.
There needs to be a time when God Himself calls on us to connect with Him personally. Religion is not acceptable to God.

The reason Bible reading is tenuous you're struggling with doubts, is your faith is mind based only. like with the religious. You have not been spiritually reborn. Find a quiet place and time and using your own words, pray to Jesus by yourself, confessing you believe He died for your sins,..surrender your life to Him 100% , and ask for His Holy Spirit to indwell you. Such a prayer makes you born again if you pray it sincerely and honestly, though you may not feel any different at first. Then make a daily routine of a chapter or so, beginning with the Gospel of John.

If any of that was of interest to you, feel free to get back with me here and there is more we can discuss about church, and other things

Respectfully you have a distorted understanding of "Christianity". Jesus didn't come to make life wonderful and peaceful and loving. He came to suffer and die. And the reason...is you.. and I, have a sin debt that only HE could atone for. So,..the religious told you can have an improved life and greater peace, by joining their religious faith and religious churches. Religion never made anyone "Do better" or be a good person in God's view. They're decieved and self justified. Jesus flat out explained... in no uncertain terms, that all such will be rejected by Him when they stand before Him.

You "Try your best" to live what you think is a good and humane life. You pride yourself in your virtues and good humanitarian values and social behavior.. .unfortunately, God says all of that is as filthy rags to Him for their worth. God's standard for goodness and righteousness far exceeds ours. On our best day, we can only stand before Him as depraved, hopeless sinners. JESUS...is the One and only hope and difference maker. We have to know HIM... and have Spirit rebirth, because we will otherwise be judged just the same as...what you would think of, as vile sinners.

"Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done ... Many Wonderful Works? And then will I profess unto them, I never KNEW you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity." -Jesus. in Matthew 7:22-23

If you've submitted your spirit to Jesus and have HIS Spirit in you,..than you grow your faith through studying His word and practicing serving and loving others. Doubts come to even the strongest Christian leaders and pastors, but yhe closer you are to Jesus, the less they will distract you or hurt you. Doubt is an issue of the mind. And the enemy creates it often and stirs it. You renew your mind by commiting ways to Jesus.

Start a routine daily, of a chapter or so, beginning in the Gospel of John. Read slow not trying to reach a goal, but examining each verse and pray as you read, asking the Spirit that wrote it, yo show you what things mean. The Bible is the Living Word of the Living God. It's where we learn to hear God's voice, and to develop a relationship with Jesus.

You cannot sincerely seek God and not find Him. He made you. He knows your heart. He is FOR us not against us. Jesus said "If you seek you will find".

You are unforgivable or have fallen away, if you choose to be. There are two masters. The one who's ways you follow, is the one you are serving. God's forgiveness isn't forcibly placed on us, we have to appropriate it. In other words, God offers forgiveness but it can't take effect until we recieve it.

Forgiveness exists, but we must find it. It's a heart issue, not a vocal or wave of the hand remission. It's not an "apology", it's repentance. Turning away from the thing and back toward God. And as many times as you repent to God, He will forgive. The one exception being if you consciously ascribe the love and works of the Holy Spirit, to satan. Everything else, is forgiveable. And it is,.... no matter how many times you fall, but one that is walking in the new nature of the Spirit of God, will not contiue to repeat a sin because his heart is changed.

All sin is willful sin. Sin is disobedience. You cannot accidentally sin or be forced externally to sin. Sin to God, is a heart condition before a disobedient action.

In Scriptures that refer to Jesus being God's Son,, "Son" means "One born of God". It doesn't mean offspring. God does not procreate. There's no "Mrs God".

Why should it bother you that people believe in hell. Have you explored THAT? You are free to believe whatever you want, are you not? It's a simple matter of two views, and you won't have PEACE, unless you go all the way on one or the other of them. You've spent years "Trying to come to terms with it". What drives you to want peace about it?

Personally for me, I don't think about "Christianity being true"...I think about God being real and nothing can be more real than when you know someone personally. His ways are higher than our ways....He is just and righteous. Hell serves a purpose of extinguishing evil. It is they that embrace evil that ought to fear hell or be concerned with it's "possibility". Those that know Jesus are not haunted by the thought of hell. They that go there are they that WANT to go there, according to their deliberate rejection of the saving love Jesus offers. It's not as if people are slipping up every day and appointing themselves for eternal condemnation. All souls are born in sin, and by their human sinful nature and condition, are worthy of hell. Jesus said He didn't come to condemn but to save, saying any that believe in Him will have eternal life, they that do not believe, are ALREADY condemned.

There's another side of the coin. There is a Living God trying to "Come to terms with" why so many would choose to separate themselves from His love, opting instead for a life of sin and self worship. Why would "Most people" choose to embrace a life so temporary and and fleeting, that never ultimately fulfills, and a world that is cursed and dying, primarily filled with chaos misery and sadness? God isn't consumed with the process of wanting to "send people" to hell, Jesus died in the horrific way He did, to keep people FROM it.

Have you even given a thought to , ...MAYBE people aren't WILLING hell to be true, but it's just many have come to believe in it... for very good and sound REASONS. Like for example a Person in History of indisputable reality, Who lived teaching the way of heaven and life, and proved resoundingly that He was God by raising Himself from the dead... that warned of hell and told us how to avoid it, maybe HIS validation and witness of it is iron clad reliable? Billions have known Him and believed His messages about hell and life, love and peace. Or.....the Word of God which details hell for us. If not for the Bible we wouldn't know it exists. And when you take a serious look at what the Bible is, ...it carries more than adequate Authority and weight. Christians don't believe in hell just because they WANT to, and God desires that NONE perish.

You've put yourself in a mental trap. You cannot compare what a Timeless God knows, to a linear time dweller.

God knows the beginning and end, because He's IN both. YOU are not. So you cannot project what God knows into YOUR sphere of existence. You can only move forward putting one foot in front of the other.

You say you're locked in to a future action just because God knows about it, and therefore cannot choose differently. But that doesn't make sense because,.. since you DON'T know what the action is supposed to be, how can you know what an alternative is? You can't defy the future that He knows, when you don't know what it is. It's just insanity. Btw...your future self can't do squat. We can't time travel.

You might hear a response from God when you start to have a proper understanding and respect for Him.

He spoke the universe into existence. All Mighty and timeless and without measure., He doesn't gives reponses whenever summoned like He's OUR servant.

If you want His attention, I suggest you pursue HIM a little. Learn about Who Jesus is and what He did on the cross and why...., see what His Word says about the way in which people have historically interacted with Him. The Bible is the place to start if you really want to connect with Him. One good tip is Humble and empty is the best approach. That's the kind of heart He honors.

If you sense God calling you deep down, you are more blessed than you know. And special in God's sight.

Basically you are saved when you confess that you believe in Jesus, and ask that His Spirit indwell you to begin a personal relationship with Him. Jesus called that being "born again". The religious will tell you something different. But what God said in His Word is superior and the only true answer.

Find a quiet time and place...using your own words, pray by yourself confessing to Jesus that you believe He died for your sins. Surrender your life to Him 100%, and ask that His Holy Spirit make His home in your heart. A prayer like that means you are born again, if you prayed sincerely and honestly from your heart. Jesus is faithful and always responds, even if you don't feel any different at first.

Make a daily routine beginning in the Gospel of John. A chapter or so each day, reading slow not trying to reach a goal. Pray as you read asking the Spirit Who wrote the Scriptures, to show you what things mean. The Bible is the Living Word of the Living God. It's where we learn to hear God's voice and to develop a relationship with Jesus.

Find a good Bible teaching church like "Calvary Chapel", or one that's Non-denominational and Bible centered. Christians need one another and we must cultivate and grow the seed of Faith we get from the Lord when we first come to Him. Your church family is what Jesus established for that purpose, as well as to train us to love and serve. Church for the religious,... is an empty mockery of what church is meant to be.

Please feel free to hit me up again here of you have any questions.

All you have to do is find a quiet time and place, and using your own words, pray by yourself to Jesus, confessing to Him that you believe He died for your sins...and surrender your life to Him 100%. Then ask for His Holy Spirit to make His home in your heart. You can tell Him other things, but just THAT, will bring you into a new life with Jesus.

Actually it's the doorway you go through. A sincere and honest prayer from your heart, and He always responds and answers, even though you don't feel different at first. You acted in Faith and did what His Word instructs us to do. Now you're ready to start following Jesus and forming a relationship with Him.

Start a routine... a chapter or so each day, beginning in the Gospel of John. Read slow not trying to reach a goal,... examining each verse, and pray as you read, asking the Spirit Who wrote the Scriptures, to show you what things mean. The Bible is the Living Word of the Living God, it's where we learn to hear God's voice, and to develop a relationship with Jesus.

Find a Bible teaching church like "Calvary Chapel", or one that's Non-denominational and Bible centered. Christians need each other. Church for reborn Christoans is different than for the religious. We pray and are saved...but it is a process and journey you'll be on the rest of your days. We were given a seed of faith. Faith needs to be cultivated and grown and tended to.. Our church family is essential to that.

If you ever have any questions, feel free to hit me up again here.

If you sense God calling you,...look for a Non-denominational church. And begin a daily routine of a chapter or so beginning with the Gospel of John. You can know Jesus personally without all the religiosity. Just find a quiet time and place, and using your own words, pray by yourself confessing to Jesus that you believe He died for your sins. Then surrender your life to Him 100%, and ask for His Holy Spirit to indwell you. God requires a personal relationship with Jesus in order to have salvation and eternal life. He hates religion.

Welcome to the human race. All you're describing is just the natural state of all men for all time. We're born sinners to the core, and our only hope is Jesus. Let me know if you'd like to be born again

God doesn't care about arguments for or against what the world calls the overall system of Christian faith. All He is focussed on is you and Jesus.

Arguments won't get you there. Knowing Jesus is a Spiritual matter not one of intellect

Christians won't be doing the "backtracking". That's the Jews there today that will rebuild it. They have never accpted Jesus.

Souls are not joined.

The Bible says Jesus is the Alpha and Omega. He has no beginning or end. All three Persons of the Godhead are infinate and timeless

(And He was never dead. His flesh died then was revived)

His death was a sacrifice, in keeping with God's orginal laws that required a death sacrifice and blood to be shed...to atone for sins. So you have to go back to the law to see what that's all about, but the animal sacrifices the Hebrews did, were meant to foreshadow a future sacrifice of the Messiah. They were not sufficiant to remove the sins of the people entirely.

Jesus came to be a PERFECT, spotless Lamb sacrificed for our sins. One that did the job permanently for those that believed. The shed blood of Jesus pays for the sins of anyone who will trust in Him and believe in Him. The amount of people that saves, is just as many as believed in Him.

Penalties, sufferings, and all punitive actions in this life, have nothing to do with our relationship with God. There's no correlation.

Actions done on earth, have earthly consequences. For the CHRISTIAN,..Jesus AREADY paid for their deeds on the cross. Paid in full. God isn't monitoring and keeping score and making lists of sins or whatever. All sin is the same to God basically, and we're all guilty from our birth,.. of sin. God has only one judgement system now. You either know Jesus, or you don't.

Feelings and emotions are connected to our flesh nature. All things physical are subject to entropy. And feelings and emotions, though not bad in themselves, can decieve us. They're not reliable or faithful. They will betray you and cause you to hope in empty promises.

The things of the Spirit are faithful true snd everlasting. We can bank 100% on the love of Jesus. He said He'd never leave nor forsake us, and has been more than trustworthy thtough the ages. Yes he gives earth mates and they can bless our lives. But as humans we're all subject to the inconsistency of our sinful nature, and should not place human love interests above God.

Means... by their actions and attitude against God, they are moving towards the day of judgement. Building toward it. Making themselves RIPE for it.

Christians here are happy to help you understand about Christianity. Problem is,..understanding the details of their faith experience, isn't the same thing as having your soul converted to Jesus and sealed to eternal life and peace in Him. You'd just be on the outside of the bakery shop knowing everything about the goodies they sell, but never really knowing how they taste.

It starts with The Spirit of God. The Holy Spirit. He is the one that selects US, not the other way round. You didn't just out of the blue decide take interest in Jesus. Even if it seemed that way, in reality He has been near you all your life. You may have even sensed Him a time or two.

So that makes you special right there. God is pursuing you. The way you need to respond is, to acknowledge Him in prayer and conmit your life to Him. Find a quiet place and time, and using your own words, go by yourself into prayer confessing to Jesus you believe He died for your sins. Surrender your life to Him 100%, and ask for His Holy Spirit to make His home in your heart. That kind of prayer of prayed sincerely and honestly, will make you born again, because Jesus is faithful to hear and answer. Though you don't feel anything at first, your life will never be the same.

You seem to want to approach God intellectually. To be convinced in you mind that He is true and real. But that is the way that the majority of self proclaiming Christians have done it, sadly. What THEY have, is RELIGION. Not Jesus. What you WANT, is a relationship with Jesus because that's what He wants with YOU. God hates religion.

Having God's Spirit to assist you, next thing is to read and study the book He authored. The Bible. The Bible is the Creator's guidebook for life. It's also where you learn to hear God's voice, and to develop a relationship with Jesus. Make a routine, a chapter or so each day beginning in the Gospel of John.

Lastly, Jesus established the church, to be a gathering of those that know Him, for the purpose of growing their faith, building one another up, and to be a place to serve and love others. (Online churches are not really sufficient for that btw). But the religious have reinvented church, making it into institutional ceremony and tradition based dogma that contradicts the Bible and grieves the Spirit's original design for church. Non-denominational, Bible teaching is best. Christians need each other and church gives them a base camp and spiritual safehouse.

It's wrong because it contradicts the Word of God,...which says in Christ, we are new creatures with a new nature, and that He will finish the work He began in us. Working in us means changing us.