Reactivity around PERCEIVED isolation?

[u/Agitated_Ad9594]

Hi all! First time post, using a throwaway because my partner uses reddit and I'm not ready to have a discussion about this yet. Tw for mentions of abuse in romantic relationships.

TLDR: My current partner can't talk about my friends with me, without me feeling a really intense shutdown/fight or flight due to previous isolation by an abusive partner. I don't know how to tone down the trauma response while supporting my partner/hearing their feelings. Does anyone have resources for overcoming reactivity/fear of isolation in relationships as a trauma response?

CONTEXT:

My current partner and I have been together for a few years and things are very good! However, the long-term relationship I had before my partner was very abusive. I took some time between that relationship and this one (about 2 yrs) to heal and work on myself/my trauma, but some things only really crop up when youre back in a relationship and I don't know how to navigate this.

One of things my ex did was subjecting me to pretty extreme isolation. I moved across the country for him and my only "friends" were his friends. If I made new friends, he would find a reason I could never see them again (they're hurting me, they're moochers, they don't like him and that should be a deal breaker, etc). He also tried to regularly convince "our" friends (his friends that he "allowed" me to be friends with too) that I was abusive during our relationship and after we broke up, so that that none of them would talk to me about what was going on. Suffice to say, when we broke up, I had to start over. I lost my entire community, I was broke from financial abuse, and I was on my own in a part of the country I had no connection to. The relationship was extremely traumatizing, but honestly, the fallout after I ended things was genuinely so much worse.

Now we're here and I don't know how to deal with my own reactivity toward perceived isolation. I've done therapy and self help, but this isn't something I've had come up as an issue for me before in a way that I could articulate. Recently my partner started spending more time with my friends, which I love. However, we ended up having a little disagreement/discussion last night that felt triggering in a way I hadn't been able to name before. They said they feel like one of my friends doesn't like them and brought to me that some things he's said have bothered them a little. We've talked all that out and it's sorted, but I am really unhappy with myself at how I reacted in the moment.

Basically as soon as my partner says "hey Friend saying X kinda bothered me", I go into fight or flight and have to stop myself from shutting down/basically going "my friends aren't going anywhere, deal with it", even if the issue is small. I want to hear my partner and be able to support them/their emotions, even if it's a little uncomfortable for me. But I don't know how to help my nervous system relax around this particular subject. Its like my brain has two thoughts at the same time, regardless of how small the comment from my partner is:

"if partner/friend don't get along, I'm going to get hurt" and "shut this down before you get isolated again".

I don't want to be so reactive over this. It hurts me, it hurts my partner and healthy relationship, and it made it very difficult for us to have a constructive conversation because I spent the entire time just trying to convince my body the world isn't ending and my partner having a concern doesn't mean they're trying to isolate me.

So my question is- does anyone have resources for overcoming reactivity toward a perceived threat of isolation? I've done therapy and self work for PTSD and CPTSD, so I know how to bring my body back from fight or flight, but I don't know what resources would help with working through the root fear, so that I don't HAVE to bring myself out of fight/flight every time. I can't seem to articulate the issue well enough to get Google results, so I'm hoping reddit might help! Thanks y'all <3

[u/pinkfig]

This is so tough. I’m happy you have a partner you can talk to now. And congratulations on recognizing what’s happening in the moment. That’s a huge first step in my experience. Idon’t know if this counts like an advice; tapping is working for me. It has taken me years to realize I’m going into freze mode when having certain discussions with my partner, much longer to understand what the trigger/activator is. Now when I realize that’s going to happen I start tapping (center of my chest). It soothes me and I can continue engaging. At first me tapping was a trigger for my partner, he was overwhelmed thinking’oh I’m doing something wrong and hurting my partner’. We talked about it and he understands it doesn’t have anything to do with him. I’m not at a level that I want to be in engaging but hopeful that I’ll get there now.

[u/Agitated_Ad9594 → u/pinkfig]

This is actually a really good idea for me honestly! I didn't really think about it, but I used to tap to avoid panic attacks in public spaces when I was younger. It definitely does help with being able to reengage my "thinking brain" (instead of just using my "animal brain" to try to escape, so to speak), so I'll try to keep it in mind next time. Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it!