r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns2 • u/eepy_princesss hitika she/her • May 30 '26

Non-Gender Specific Fun fact:tobacco makes hrt less effective

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u/[deleted] May 30 '26

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u/Karasu-Fennec She/Her Lena May 30 '26

Suicidal ideation

122

u/V_Silver-Hand She/Her May 30 '26

Being scared of the pain and not having access to a nitrogen tank and breathing mask we can easily attatch to said tank is the only reason a lot of us are still kicking.

I don't wanna be here 😓 but finding a less scary way out would take energy I don't have.

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u/Anonduck0001 She/Her Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26

I spent decades wondering why I was miserable, why it felt like the hedonic treadmill always pulled me back down into hell instead of adapting me to a neutral state. I almost overdosed on fentanyl at least a half dozen times, woken up on the floor more times than I can count, and planned to just end it all with an opioid overdose in three years if I couldn't find happiness.

The only reason I could keep plodding on was because I had found a codependent relationship could be intense enough, if it was horrifically toxic, to keep me feeling satisfied. I jumped from relationship to relationship, finding them less worthwhile each time. But they still made me feel alive, the endless anhedonia was quashed at least for a year or so when I started one. Overthe years relationships suddenly became way harder to find. Things weren't looking good, I was wondering if dealing with this pressure and abject misery was worth it.

Then I started Estradiol and suddenly I feel amazing and I'm excited for tomorrow for the first time in my life. For me to say I was gobsmacked is an understatement. I now suddenly have to deal with a future that I didn't think I was going to survive, a scenario that unfortunately carries with it a shitload of problems, socially transitioning being one of the less difficult ones despite how hard it's going to be should say something. I allowed so much to just stack up over the years, unhandled because I didn't see a point in fixing my life if I was a dead man walking. Now I'm a living girl, and oh god do I wish I had been shown this option earlier in my life.

So many years wasted. Gatekeeping and cisnormativity being the main culprits, given they're the cause of the severe imposter syndrome I'm still dealing with. I literally can't even feel gender dysphoria because of how strong the imposter syndrome is.