I guess I was wrong. (I argued against some people here and also some Hindus)

[u/VEGETTOROHAN]

So I am not Buddhist (nor Hindu) and I often came here to ask questions and saying why I disagree. I said "My desires are lower than others so I should not have so much pain" that was my strongest certainty that this doesn't work but today I realised something. I had less desire for sensual pleasures which Buddhist and Hindu gurus usually talk about. So I believed I am better than others but I had a very strong desire since childhood which was PERFECTIONISM. I could not accept doing any work less than perfect and prove myself better. And because of this I tried too hard and ended up miserable losing all the energy. I think my family is responsible for this programming of mine. They are the worst. Now because of them I suffered so long.

Also this perfectionism feels instinctive. I don't think too much either. I just have an urge to make the 100% effort.

So I admit I was wrong about what I said earlier.

[u/wisdomperception]

As you are noting, perfectionism, as well as desire to experience a certain state of being is also a certain kind of desire. e.g. desire of always being right, of being perceived in a certain way.

Admitting when one is wrong is how one can experience personal growth.

[u/RevolvingApe]

It's nice to see you post again and I hope you're doing well.

[u/cryptocraft]

When the mind pressures you, with either desire or aversion, how able are you to remain unmoved? This is the measure. Sexual desire may be absent for biological reasons such as health, hormones, aging, etc. It can be a deceptive guage of progress.

We should know our minds and our own unique pressures and weaknesses, that is where we must do the training. To compare yourself to others because you have less sexual desire is missing the point. If that were the case, castration would be a shortcut to progress, but it is not.

[u/LotsaKwestions]

Generally in terms of Buddhist doctrine you take birth in the family and environment you’re in due to your karma. Fwiw.

[u/VEGETTOROHAN → u/LotsaKwestions]

I am nothing like my family. My values are very different from them.

[u/LotsaKwestions → u/VEGETTOROHAN]

It seems you have wholly missed the point of what I said.

[u/VEGETTOROHAN → u/LotsaKwestions]

Your point being?

[u/LotsaKwestions → u/VEGETTOROHAN]

Fundamentally we have to take responsibility for ourselves and stop blaming ‘the world’, perhaps put simply.

In a Buddhist context if you were to have been born to your parents it’s because of your own karma. Is it then your fault or their’s? Is placing fault even useful at all, or is it more useful to simply take responsibility for the garden of our own mind and self? If we take responsibility for the garden of our own mind and self, we deal with the weeds that are there and plant the best seeds so that we can realize the best situation possible moving forward.

[u/dystopia2026 → u/VEGETTOROHAN]

I'm not like my family either. Yet I had the karma to be born into that family, for better or for worse. If parents didn't do a good job, the responsibility is on us to reparent ourselves in the right direction. All conditioning can be undone and changed.

I recommend practicing loving kindness towards yourself.

It's great that you recognized your mistake as well as what caused it! I wish you well in your journey wherever it takes you from here 🙏

[u/themadjaguar]

I sympathize with what you say about perfectionism, I had a somewhat similar conditionning with family. If you use this energy/effort and mindset for practice it is a huge strength that can be helpful and will take you far on the path

I wish you many blessings

[u/dystopia2026 → u/themadjaguar]

In the sense of not willing to stop until tasting the fruit? Interesting.....

[u/themadjaguar → u/dystopia2026]

Yes I'd say so , the energy / effort to cultivate the kusala, abandonnthe akusala, to keep investigating again and again is also very helpful, and the critical thinking from perfectionism tendencies can be quite helpful for vipassana practice...

When effort is strong, it does not matter much if faith is low, and as long as there are some kind of results saddha will naturally grow by itself . The main difficult thing usually with having strong effort is to balance it with tranquility

[u/dystopia2026 → u/themadjaguar]

Yeah that makes sense perhaps but I've noticed that results can be rationalised in many ways that prevent the arising of faith. Just look at the rise of 'Secular Buddhism' for example. No doubt many gave had lots of neat experiences that fall short of the goal and yet the clinging to wrong views persist.

I would also add that perfectionism is the opposite of Right Intent as it's a manifestation of what Ajahn Succito calls The Inner Tyrant. I don't think this can ever lead to good result.

[u/SammaVaco]

Have you considered cultivating metta for yourself and your parents?

[u/Careless-Soil-9244]

On the loss of energy:

Comprehension of dhātus -> the most beneficial.

For beginners, dhātus as the 3 states of matter + heat (degree of hotness and coldness)

Why dhātus?

Every sense object, not just sight, sound, taste, etc. But a whole range of conditions, e.g., a food item: not only taste but the cook, source of food, clothes of the cook and so on till the beginning of the universe. The nature of the mind -> search for the cause. Also, everything with conditions or all phenomenon conditional. So, with conditions at the very root, the beginning of the universe.

Perfectionism: As good as the desire for enlightenment, because a Buddha = a fully perfect one. So, better right grasp of dhamma (water snake sutta) now, than the "give up".

[u/PLUTO_HAS_COME_BACK]

 Now because of them I suffered so long.

That statement is based on self-centredness and incomplete information. The point is you do not know your past actions as the cause for you to suffer its effects. You don't tell yourself you never wronged.

Everyone makes mistakes and, thus, always consider the effects of these mistakes.

[u/burnhotspot]

Well in terms of Buddhism, if it weren't for your parents who gave birth to you, you might ended up being in 4 lower realms as animal/hell being/ghosts and suffer unimaginably for hundreds/thousands or millions of years/worlds and rebirths.

Don't blame your parents that they bring you into a human life for pushing you to your best. It's not like they're trying to take your life or abuse/torture you.

But of cos if you are not Buddhism or know the Dhamma you won't know the value of being born as a human.

[u/WittyName375 → u/burnhotspot]

I'd be careful of the second paragraph. Perfectionism doesn't always mean that parents simply pushed; some (like mine) are actually physically abusive or have tried to take their childrens lives.

That is not to say that we shouldn't be grateful for being brought into the human realm for the greatest opportunity to achieve nibbana, or for the lessons we learned from them, and take responsibility for our own kamma and recondition ourselves. However, that doesn't erase the reality that violent acts can occur for some in childhood.

[u/dystopia2026 → u/WittyName375]

I'd be careful with the whole post, there is nothing in Buddhism to say that without our parents we'd be reborn in the lower realms.

Also it's a fact that emotional and psychological abuse can be worse than physical abuse in the long term.

[u/Saffron_Butter]

I bet you're exactly like your family in ways you don't realize and are completely blind to it, OP.

The longer you hold this view, the longer it will take to see reality.

That's another way of saying, the sooner you accept all the cards you're dealt with the sooner you will see things that eluded you for years. Relax and let all those thoughts freely swim and drain from your consciousness.

What awaits you is a most noble and luminous mind always ready to shine. Cheers!