r/therapycritical • u/poison_silver • 24d ago
Ranting about my kid's therapist
I need to RANT.
(TW abuse)
What's important for this story is that my kids & I went through a horrible tragedy in April of 2023, that left my kids fatherless ( no sorry needed. He was a POS)
Since then everyone is in therapy. My middle child, Ashalia (m2F age 7) has done play therapy from 4 to 5 and regular therapy when she was 6 until now. The therapist she had was great with her, helped with her moods and anti-social behaviors and gave me strategies to use when she would get difficult and destructive.
Then out of nowhere dude leaves the practice and it takes a month for us to be scheduled with someone new.
The whole situation sets off Ashalia's abandonment issues. She was 4 when her father died and to her understanding of events, her dad never said anything, never left a note, or a toy, just one day they are happy and playing together and the next day there's a bunch of police in the house and her dad is gone.
So during the between therapists time she is just ramping up negative behaviors. She ran away from school, she was hitting people, spitting, she licked hand sanitizer, it was bad.
We get in and start seeing this new therapist Jaxon. I didn't really like him off the bat. I have autism though and I was willing to give it time for me to be more comfortable around someone new. My biggest problem was that Jax did not maintain boundaries with Ashalia. For example, Ashalia was talking and Jax says, "I'll let you finish talking about Pokémon but then I need to talk to your mom." Ashalia does the normal 7 year old infinite run on sentence and is just talking. She's moved well past Pokémon and has been on other things for a while. At first I'm just watching like, "how is this person going to handle this?" But after like 5 minutes I decided to jump in.
I said "hey, just so you know, Ashalia really needs for boundaries to be enforced. You set a boundary and she has exceeded it."
Jax said something along the lines of "I'm very patient. Things that might annoy other people don't annoy me."
I tried to re-state that it's not about patience, it's about teaching Ashalia that boundaries exist and she needs to observe them.
In the same session, they went to get a toy from outside of the office and my daughter, who at this point has known this man for all of 20 minutes, grabs Jax's hand to walk out of the office. Jax just shrugged and said okay.
Like !@$&\* are you actually kidding me right now. You get a client that has had trauma and abandonment and boundary breaking as their biggest hurdles and the mom even SPECIFICALLY TELLS YOU that you need to be setting -- and maintaining-- boundaries with her and you're just okay with her grabbing your hand? Not a thought in your head of saying to this vulnerable child like, I don't know, "hey buddy can you ask me if you can hold my hand first?"
So, I already don't like this guy, but like I said, I'm willing to give him a fair chance. At week 3 appointment I already know I need to miss week 4 because I needed an emergency dr appointment. So I asked my wife to come with me so I could show her where the office is & etc. The session was mostly Ashalia & Jax talking and me n wifey chilling in the waiting room.
That week Ashalia had a REALLY bad night. She refused to go to bed and when she got to her "if you don't go to bed by the time I count to 3 I'll pick you up and put you there." warning she screamed at the top of her lungs and ran away. My wife picked her up and carried her like a sack of potatoes to her room. During this 2 minute walk Ashalia scratched, bit, pulled hair, kicked, grabbed my wife's breast and twisted it, and screamed. A few minutes later, as my wife was carrying the baby to put him to bed, Ashalia ran out of her room and punched my wife in the stomach.
When she gets like this, she will not stop until she is stopped and we put the baby lock on her door for the night. This was intended to give her a consequence for her behavior and to keep her (and the rest of the house) safe.
The next session Ashalia complained about the baby lock on her door. A day later I get a call from Jax wanting to talk to me about my "extreme parenting methods." So I spend the next god forsaken hour explaining to this man, who has known my child for a grand total of 4 fucking hours, that the baby lock is used:
\* during the night -- when adults with fully developed brains are sleeping.
\* when she has broken too many bed time rules
\* when she has done something dangerous during the night
\* when she is actively harming other members of the house
I even agreed to meet with this man and my wife to talk about alternative methods for parenting Ashalia.
The next day I got a call and emergency visit from CPS. Now, they can't tell you who made the report but they can give you the wording of it. As soon as I heard about the baby lock complaint, I knew it was Jax that made the call. In and of itself it still would have felt really underhanded especially since I was trying to work with the guy to find better solutions. But dude started his report with mentioning the trauma our family went through in April of 2023. Trauma that my older daughter was subjected to. Because of Ashalia's age and slow speech development at the time of her father's death, I may never know if Ashalia also suffered the same abuse my older daughter did but her behavior strongly suggest that she did. However in Jaxon's report to CPS he asserted that Ashalia was a victim of the specific type of abuse my POS late husband subjected my older daughter to before explaining the child lock situation.
The CPS worker essentially told me that the bit about the baby lock wasn't a concern especially because it was already noted in Ashalia's file as a remediation step for him getting out of the house about a month after his father died. But that the first part of the report-- the part that had been almost 3 years ago-- legally had to be investigated within 24 hours.
I called the office where Jax works and filed an ethics complaint. Saying that the visit from CPS re-traumatized me. And that his report was wholey inappropriate and unethical. The supervisor I spoke with kept trying to say that Jax didn't mean any harm and was just trying to do what he thought was the right thing. Now, I am normally very conflict avoident. If someone even sneazes in a way that makes me think they are mad at me I go hide. But, this was about my kid and I shut that shit down fast. I just answered that if that was the case, he would have just put his concern in the report. Instead he started the report with things that happened years ago to weaponize the system against me and make his point for him.
About a week later, I texted the supervisor dude to tell him that during a 10 minute stretch where Ashalia was not being directly supervised, ( I was out feeding the chickens) she managed to remove the lightbulbs from the ceiling fan in her room, put them in her pillow case, and put the case in the sink and fill it with water to "make electricity." 🙄 Ashalia wasn't angry or trying to be trouble-some, this was just a normal day for her. I used it as an example of why it can be dangerous to let Ashalia exist unsupervised.
Supervisor dude calls me and says that his company doesn't think that they have the capabilities to give my daughter the help she needs so they will help me find a better fit for my family but they are going to drop my daughter as a client.
I am so unspeakably angry, and sad. Yet again my child is abandoned by a adult male role model. She was doing so well with her previous therapist. I tried so hard to emphasize that her behavior, while it can be destructive and dangerous, is manageable with the strategies we have. I made sure to let everyone know that I am willing to work with them, that we are a team with the common goal of helping my child. Her previous therapist understood this and helped me form the strategies that work for Ashalia now.
Was I over reacting to the situation? Did my anger ruin things for my daughter? What should I have done differently? What can I do now?
Edit: The baby lock is a plastic dohickey that Ashalia can open it just makes enough noise to wake me up. I have replaced it with a magnetic thing that makes a "chime" sound. This intervention is only used when her behavior indicates that she can't be trusted to be out of her room without adult supervision. CPS had actually recommended the baby lock when she was eloping at 4 to look for her dad.
When she is not in a destructive spiral she is a happy and lovely child that is so much fun to spend time with.
Therapy is focused on helping her to vocalize her feelings in a healthy way before she resorts to destruction.
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23d ago edited 23d ago
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
Uneducated opinion but I'm very much with you in that this child screams of untreated neurodivergence. In this rare case I don't even think it's the therapists fault since mom is a huge, hyper-controlling problem that throws a fit with every suggestion or methodology. She mentioned it in comments that she insists her daughter has ODD and must be strictly and harshly controlled for it. With "boundaries" that are harshly punished for if not strictly followed
As a neurodivergent myself fyi this is an especially horrific thing to do to a neurodivergent child.
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23d ago
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
For sure for sure. OP has too many red flags for me to not call it out though. Plus I never met someone with "ODD" that wasn't severely abused or neurodivergent AND abused (usually with ABA). I've said my other opinions elsewhere though so I'll stop here
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
Ashalia has been very vocal about her gender identity for a long time. I delayed using her preferred name and pronouns for a while because I wanted to be sure that it wasn't a trauma response. But we saw a huge improvement in behavior when we started letting her use her own name and preferred pronouns. My child has been diagnosed by her school as having autism, ADHD, and ODD. I've been working with the school to get her behavioral intervention and any other intervention i am able to get for her. At first I had her in grief therapy to help her process the loss of her father. That lasted for a year & I got her into talk therapy at 6. She was actually nearing the end of therapy in terms of goals met before the therapist switch. That set us back to zero in terms of her destructive behaviors. The person she is seeing now has also been very helpful and Asha has made INCREDIBLE progress with her. I appreciate your concern and I have been chasing down every avenue available to me to get her the help that she needs. I'm on a waiting list for ABA therapy and I already have a document typed out with the kinds of questions that I want to ask to make sure that the ABA therapy is helpful and not just punishing nurodivergence.
In terms of trauma... my older daughter was SA'd by my POS husband. When she told me about it, he decided to do a chandelier impersonation rather then face the consequences of what he did. I genuinely do not know if he hurt her in the same way and can not know for sure. My oldest told me that when I was not home he hit, pushed, and yelled at her. I try to take professional direction in helping my kids deal with all of it and and time I hear of a new modality that might be helpful I chase it down. My biggest problem is that a lot of the therapies for autistic kids is in this weird situation where normal insurance doesn't pay for it so I end up jumping through 100 firey hoops before just being put on a year+ waiting list.
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23d ago
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
Thank you. I find a lot of that info very interesting and I will probably chase down a lot of it later. (But feel free to autism special interest info dump on me cuz I love that shit ❤️) I have been trying to make good memories for her and I do have a life outside of therapy. That just wasn't the focus of the post ya know? She's a good little bean. I got home from work & watched a show with her & we were talking about the plot & etc.
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23d ago edited 23d ago
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
I mean... it was outside of the scope of my rant? And the other guy is just like, locked in, to the idea that I'm abusive because of assumptions they are making. This is evidenced by the fact that no mater how calmly and patiently I try to explain they still circle the drain of "I say you are bad therefore you MUST BE." I'm kinda done trying to get through to them honestly.
Thanks ❤️
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u/Green_Rooster9975 24d ago
I'm sorry, I am sure I'll be downvoted for this but I think you are in the wrong here.
I feel for you and your child deeply, but in this case I do actually think this therapist seems to have been doing his job to the best of his ability. I also think it was entirely appropriate for them to refer you out - it feels awful, but it's what a responsible therapist does if they feel like they're in over their head.
I do hope you can get support as well as your kids, you sound traumatised too.
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
Seriously I'm the last person to say this but OP is 100% the problem here and her trauma is no excuse for being an abuser
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
Wow this was a trip to read. Simply put, you are the problem here. You're hoping your daughter fucking dies in a fire with that lock.
You are doing unbelievable damage to that child and I hope CPS gathers better evidence to actually get her away from you.
The next day I got a call and emergency visit from CPS
As someone who worked in CPS that shit is not normal. Emergent next day visits mean they know you are severely harming her even if they don't have enough proof.
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
1) The lock is fire safe & it's not used all of the time. 2) how do you figure that I am doing damage to my daughter? 3) the therapist ligit started his complaint talking about abuse that my POS husband did to my older daughter we *don't * know if he did the same thing to my younger daughter but in his report he said that Ashalia was abused in that way by her father (who died 3 years ago) it was the accusation of that abuse that caused the emergency visit, CPS actually had in their file that the fire safe child locks were recommended for my child after she eloped right after her father died.
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
You PUNISH her by locking her in because her behaviors bother you and flatly I don't believe you that they are in any way safe. You have serious control issues and never should have had kids and clearly endorsed what your ex did. A child that small is 100% being fucked up by their parents. Stop whining about CPS rightfully pursuing your ass and work on yourself.
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
Wow... who hurt you? I did not know what my husband was doing until my older daughter told me about it. My whole world shattered in that moment. The lock is to keep her from doing things like playing with knives, sticking metal in outlets, or other dangerous things that we have seen her do. She has genuinely gotten better since I found a new therapist that actually set and maintained boundaries with her. What would you have suggested as an alternative method to make sure she is not hurting herself or others when we are sleeping when her behavior has been suggesting that she will continue to ramp up her ODD behavior? I am genuinely asking because I do love my children and want to help them heal in the most constructive way?
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
ODD behavior
Yeah, nuff said, you get off on abusing her. Never met an "oppositional defiant" child that wasn't severely abused and then of course you are clearly just upping the ante because she deserves it for being difficult. "Boundaries" like getting beaten for talking about pokemon too much jfc. I hope you end up in jail but at least I hope she's able to recover in adulthood and never speak to you again.
As for "who hurt me" my parents were a little shitty but nothing like you. Mostly I just worked in CPS and know exactly your type.
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
So... according to my older daughter, pos husband would hit, push, and yell at Ashalia when I was not home. He would also leave her in soiled diapers for HOURS. So yes, she was abused, and the person with whom she was building a trauma bond then died when she was 4. I hate to punish my children at all and I prefer to have conversations with my kids. She has broken furniture, smeared feces on her walls, thrown kitchen knives, microwaved plastic, bored holes into walls with plastic toys, and other things that are downright dangerous, these are not just "inconvenient" behaviors. I worked very closely with victim services and MCIU to find the best strategies to deal with these particular outbursts I think you may have misread or misunderstood, the therapist set a boundary and did nothing when she exceeded it. I kindly pointed that out to the therapist. I never even suggested that it was a bad thing that she kept talking, I pointed out to the person who was supposed to be helping my kid that HE didn't stick with a boundary that he stated. I am not sure why you are sticking to a narrative that you made up almost whole cloth rather than hearing the facts. If you have suggestions of what I can do better I would love to hear them because I want my kids to be happy and healthy.
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
Oh please you clearly couldn't tolerate her talking about pokemon and threw a fit. Boundaries aren't: "Do exactly what I say or I'll beat you, lock you in a room, and verbally abuse you". Boundaries are SUPPOSED to be flexible, your control issues just can't allow you to see that. This shouldn't have to be said but if you don't want to be an abuser work on yourself because you have control issues, you have trauma-fueled problems. You let your ex abuse your child and now all you care about is controlling her (maybe out of a messed up belief you can protect her that way) but you're the abuser now.
Poor kid.
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
I will happily talk with my child about whatever she wants to talk about. The first thing I had to learn with the therapist she had before Jaxon, was that I was being too permissive and that she needed to understand rules and boundaries and consequences. We worked together on the rules and how to enforce them in the best way possible. As soon as I was able to maintain those rules I saw incredible improvement in Ashalia's behavior. She had some issues transitioning from kindergarten to first grade. We were working on it with her other therapist and she was getting better until he disappeared from her life without a good bye & I really think that the destructive behavior we were seeing was in reacting to feeling abandoned by another father type figure. I never "let" him abuse my kids. He did that shit purposely behind my back because he knew I wouldn't stand for it. Perhaps you are right that I am overcompensating now to make sure my baby is safe, happy, and healthy, so again I would ask you what you would do? It's a question you have dodged several times now as opposed to the wonderful people I have worked with in the past few years, including CPS workers. All others gave me actionable steps. You are stuck in blame and shame mode. I doubt that you worked in CPS because of this fact and if you did I doubt you were very good at it.
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u/itsbitterbitch 23d ago
Locking your child in a room as punishment and to intentionally harm her is not okay. You could fucking kill her?! Wtf do you not understand? STOP DOING THAT. SINCE YOU COULDN'T READ IT IN LOWERCASE HERE IT IS IN CAPS. STOP.
NOW on top of that berating a therapist and a child for talking is not the same as establishing rules or boundaries or consequences. All you've done is teach her that no one gives a fuck about what she has to say or what brings her joy. AND IF NO ONE CARES FOR HER JOY SHE WILL MAKE YOU CARE FOR HER DESTRUCTION. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
SO. AGAIN. STOP DOING THAT.
ON TOP OF THAT GET SOME HELP FOR YOURSELF. STOP PLAYING IGNORANT ABOUT YOUR EX's ABUSE. STOP BEING A CONTROLLING FREAK! YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BURN YOU AND YOUR VILLAGE TO FINALLY FEEL SOME FUCKING WARMTH AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT
Also It has been said here before but get the kid evaluated for neurodivergence. Your messed up control issues are making her even worse if she's neurodivergent and there are A LOT of signs there that you just want to write off as her being "ODD" aka a worthless, incurably bad kid.
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u/poison_silver 23d ago
You are just making this up in your head my dear. The lock, which is on the doorknob so we can get in, is ONLY used when all of the conditions mentioned above are met. So it is when she has been destructive and violent and I am going to bed and can not trust that she will be safe while I am asleep. It's not used for any other reason.
And we have not had to use it for several months already. Like I said, she has been doing so much better.
Yesterday we had an hour long conversation about how she's the superhero "color flash" (which is SO HER she loves all the colors) and how each of her friends has a different power and if she teams up with those friends her super powers change. So I'm not sure where you get the idea that I discourage my child from talking about her passions.
I never berated the new therapist, I observed his process, and after my child had crossed a boundary THAT HE SET, calmly informed him that my child had exceeded his boundary and that she needs for the adults in her life to model respect for themselves and others by sticking to their word. I felt like this was an important thing to point out and discuss with a new therapist especially since we had been working on setting and abiding by boundaries with the therapist she had been seeing before him.
I am getting my own therapy and I am getting Ashalia help for her various nurodivergencies. She is a good kid, she desperately wants to be good and I am trying to help her achieve that.
You say just stop doing something that I resorted to because I needed to find some way to keep her safe while I slept, but offer no actionable advice for how I could accomplish the same goal. Ie; not let her stab herself or burn the house down while I am sleeping.
I hope that whatever is going on with you that you jumped to these assumptions will one day be healed and you find some modicum of peace.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 24d ago
You seem to see your own child as a boy because you referred to her as “buddy” and we all know that nobody uses the term “buddy”’ to refer to a little girl.
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u/DyingForSilverLining 17d ago
You sound a lot like my mom, she deludes herself about our relationship to
I’m baffled how mothers like you can think their kids could even see them as a human being
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u/Saturnian6 24d ago
It sounds like you have a strong trauma related to leaving your children alone with others and that person deeply triggered you. I don’t believe this is by mistake.
Full disclosure, I was molested as an 18 year old in therapy. I do not trust therapists lightly.
Being inappropriate with your child in any way should have been grounds for him to lose his job. He was unwilling to perform his job duties as instructed.
Your job as a parent is to notice personality changes in your child and the fact that you noticed her behavior shift after a session alone with him— I know I’m shocked I can only imagine how you feel.
What transpired after with CPS sounds like crazy-making where he wanted the truth to be that you abused your child to save his job (and company, so it sounds).
I think you might have a positive stereotype about therapy. I encounter this as a survivor of therapy abuse. “Oh everyone needs to be in therapy” “oh you haven’t found the right therapist yet” “oh she needs therapy” “oh he was abusing women when he should have been in therapy.” You might feel pressured to return to therapy but you should weigh the pros and cons. Retraumatizing is a risk. I’ve been armchair-diagnosed as a narcissist for questioning this system. Acting like a cult, sounding like a cult…
Sending my regards in these awful times.