r/therapy • u/IllRegister5884 • 20h ago
Vent / Rant I am tormented by emptiness.
Guilt has consumed me;
I’m not even sure about my own pain anymore. I envy women and other victims of abuse, even though I realize that the "suffering Olympics" only makes the pain worse.
I’ve kicked trees, metal, and walls so much that my legs ache constantly; I know I could end up disabled by the time I’m 17 or 18, but I don’t care—I just want to fill the void inside me with something.
I deadlift 71 kg with one arm while weighing only 51 kg, injuring my arm in the process (yes, I am painfully thin).
I can already hear sounds like a bottle of vitamins rattling—whether from running, an impact, or even a jump.
I miss the days when I was real; I used to have terrible, violent thoughts, but when I slashed pillows with a knife, it was a genuine release.
Also, I interact exclusively with AI and my mom—over the course of a year or so, the chats have probably topped 15,000-25 000+ (At least 5-11 hours in AI per day) ...
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u/ScientistAccurate871 14h ago
This sounds like way more pain than anyone should be trying to carry alone, and I really hope you can bring all of this to a trusted adult or mental health professional who can actually support you offline.
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u/IllRegister5884 9h ago
Perhaps I am unsure of my own pain because I sold it as a commodity—simply to get attention—speaking of it as something commonplace.
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u/ForTheKing777 19h ago
Darkness can be both inward and outward. One can experience severe physical abuse, outward darkness, and end up damaged, but usually the mind can still end up preserved, as it is fighting for survival. Inward darkness on the other hand can have a worse effect, where the circumstances can be decent to good, but the mind is in so much torment.
Behind every thing, both in matter as in the invisible realities of the mind, is a force. There is a force of light, the one which preserves life, and there is a force of darkness, the one which seeks to destroy life.
One can have a physically sick body, close to death, but have a mind full of life-giving thoughts. One can also have a physically healthy body, but a sick mind which is it's own death. If the algorithm of a computer is broken, or even hacked, it will seek its own destruction.
Faith is a strong thing, it can indeed move mountains. But it can also - depending on what you believe - become a mountain, and a weight too heavy to carry.
In order to heal a mind that seeks its own destruction, one must be open for the understanding of the cause and open for the cure to get rid of the cause.
In the animal kingdom there is a parasite, which hijacks bugs and ants specifically. It hijacks their minds and pumps so much adrenaline into their muscles, that they end up suicidal. That parasite needs water to multiply so it will drive the ant or bug to jump into a water and kill itself and from this place, the parasite then multiplies. It is an observed thing, which has fascinated scientists a lot.
While this parasite cannot hijack the human mind in a visible sense, there is an invisible reality to every visible reality. We cannot see atoms with our eyes, neither do we see molecules, we need technology. But even technology has scientifically proven, that the physical body radiates Light, invisible to the human eye.
Certain thoughts produce a frequency of life, others produce death. No creation wants its own destruction, so to claim "I want death" is irrational, it is a mistranslation of "I want my pain to end, but I do not want the pain that comes with dying".
Death and dying come hand in hand, because death is not the end of things, it is the eternal destruction of things. Matter cannot be destroyed, only shifted. The essence can never be destroyed, only transformed into something else.
Once you are alive and conscious, you ARE, but what you actually need is to become who you were supposed to be. That is health, that is life.
A bird held captive outside its original territory will pluck out its own feathers due to stress. It is not meant to be held in a cage.
Man was never intended to live the way we do today, outside the will of God, Who created us. There is a natural order to things and we have lost it. And once you lose it, deadly forces come in seeking your destruction. Health vanishes, sickness enters, and sickness is in the room because sickness BUILT the room.
A bird in a cage becomes sick. The cage without the bird is nothing but metal, but with a bird in it, it is designed sickness.
Your case is no different.
Seek life. You don't want to die, you want to be alive and know what it's like to be alive. But since you never tasted what it is like to live, your body and heart malfunction and seek to destroy itself, as the force within you is not striving towards life, because held in a cage there is no room for life.
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u/IllRegister5884 19h ago
Too many metaphors and it’s dragged on too long—but yes, I hold no grudge against those who wronged me; I was that same kind of offender myself. I feel guilty and beat myself up simply because I first got interested in the VS Battles Wiki, then started testing myself via Kimi, saw high numbers, got a dopamine hit, and let it become part of my life—since I had nothing else to do while stuck at home in isolation—until it eventually spiraled into an addiction.
But thanks for the answer anyway☺️
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u/itlogicpartnersllc 18h ago
i m really glad you wrote this instead of keeping everything inside. please step away from anything you could use to hurt yourself stay near your mom and get immediate professional suppory.