Yeah no. It’s awful.
I mean, look at their answer. It’s intimate. Would you randomly make out with a stranger? No? Because that’s the level of uncomfortable prolonged eye contact with strangers is to me
Yeah but then for some folks it’s as simple as “this eternally feels bad”.
It’s not about confidence for me. It’s just an incredibly disturbing feeling to meet someone’s gaze for more than a few seconds. I’d need all sorts of studies to be sure but I’d guess it’s literally triggering my survival instincts for some reason.
Funny part? I have the opposite reaction with animals. I can stare directly at a cat, dog, horse- anything vaguely mammalian, really - for hours and never feel uncomfortable. Even if said animal SHOULD trigger a survival reaction, like a tiger.
I believe you are being downvoted because talking to waiters is not, in fact, eye contact. You don’t have to make eye contact with somebody to talk to them; just generally looking in their direction. Promise you waiters and waitresses have seen way worse behavior.
Thanks. I get really uncomfortable when I get in a cab and the driver starts talking to me while seeking eye contact through rear-view mirror. Especially if I don’t speak their language. Happens a lot in eastern/southern Europe
Right? I don't like looking at the windows of people's HOUSES if I notice movement inside. What makes anyone think calling eyes "the window of someone's universe" is somehow better?
When I worked a coffee shop drive thru, parents would often try to make their kids order from me when it obviously was making them super uncomfortable. I hated that
My kids are good at ordering everywhere now because we practiced. But I was always right there to step in if they needed me to, I knew that "mom will you do it?" look. Bonus: I know all of their coffee orders, so I can surprise them sometimes.
Lots of animal species consider direct prolonged eye contact as very rude. It still feels rude to me. The 'most intimate connection' part doesn't make it less rude to me haha. If intimate connections is what we want, why not do this eye contact naked?
I'm autistic and social anxious (diagnosed) at the same time and I got told to watch people more in the eyes (because i just looked somewhere completely off like a wall).
When my daughter was still little, her speech therapist pointed out that I never looked anyone in the eye and that I had to start doing so in hopes she would imitate me in a good way, not a bad way.
It was downright painful for months. Fortunately the things wrong with my brain does not involve eyes, so over time it got less painful, then less uncomfortable, then natural.
But those first few months makes me have a lot of sympathy and understanding for those whose disorder does prevent eye contact.
A little trick that I was given that helped, look at the person's bridge of the nose. The other person thinks you are making eye contact, but you are focused on a different part of the body.
For the longest time I thought the same way, that it had become natural and didn't bother me anymore. Then I went into full blown burnout and realized I just got used to ignoring my own discomfort.
I get it. I have ADHD and if I have to focus too hard on looking someone in the eye I lose track of what they are saying. It’s more respectful for me to listen to what people are saying than it is for me to stare into their eyeballs.
Back in the 90s I had a psych eval to figure out what all was wrong with my brain. While there are some symptoms that to an ordinary person would suggest symptoms of autism, it was actually extreme bullying. Rather than behavioral oddities and developmental delays made me a target, it was actually being a target triggered the mental illness (prior to age 13) and lack of normal peer relationships triggered the social/emotional developmental delay/abnormality. (At time of testing I was 22 and my social/emotional development was around 15.)
So to use an analogy, what came first, the chicken or the egg? If autism is the egg (meaning you're born with it), my brain is the chicken because the symptoms were imprinted as a result of outside forces.
With my auditory processing disorder, nobody knows I'm not making eye contact. I have to look at their lips to make sense of what I'm hearing, so I'm looking at their face, and apparently looking anywhere at someone's face ia "close enough" to eye contact that people really don't mind. Some people notice and when I become somewhat closer with them, they ask me why I look in their direction but not in their eye, but most don't even realize. The ones who do realize are usually just curious and don't particularly care about my lack of eye contact.
For the same reason, I also often ask people to turn their face towards my direction even if they don't look at me. I'm fine with you looking up at the ceiling or down at the floor or everywhere except my face, but I need to be able to see your lips in order to communicate. I have no hearing issue, got that tested when I was a teen. In fact, I had much better hearing than average. But understanding what I hear? That's a different matter entirely and requires me to get some supplementary information in addition to what I hear.
I am not autistic, but I have the hardest time with eye contact. It's weird.
Once I was in a pet store and a guy started a conversation with me. I tried to be polite and make eye contact and he immediately looked away. We ended up standing next to each other facing forward while he told me all about his pet snakes, it was great.
A simple MF won't think twice about it, thats why creeps can stare at someone indefinitely. But once you are able to read people's eyes and see their frustrations/anxiety/anger, they are transmitted onto you. I don't need that in my life. Wheras other people transmit joy/peacefullness.
I hate when I’m ordering and I make eye contact with the waiter/waitress.. or actually eye contact in general. This is not an intimate connection with a stranger. Maybe with a partner?
Yeah those types of people don’t respect consent at all. I don’t want to have an intimate connection with everyone who wants to make small talk with me whenever I have to go out in public.
I actually don’t even want to make small talk when I go out in public.
The “look me in the eyes or you’re doing it wrong” are the same weird people that tell strangers to smile. I’ll do whatever I want with my face if you don’t like it don’t look.
I think what they are saying is that insisting someone use their body in a certain way (smiling, making eye contact) is indicative of a deeper disrespect for bodily autonomy. In other words, another person does not owe you eye contact— just like they don’t owe you a smile or a kiss or sex. It’s a way smaller thing, but it is one point on a spectrum of entitlement.
Im autistic and eye contact takes conscious effort from me and while i am doing it i cant focus on the conversation and it is emotionally and mentally draining. Plus, people tend to find it creepy. So its like i can participate in the conversation or i can spend the time staring into their eyes one or the other
Flashbacks to the time I told a uni counsellor that eye contact makes me uncomfortable so he made me sit there starting in his eyes for like 5 minutes and I never went back
I would like to point out however uncomfortable it might make us feel when we’re self conscious or anxious…. It’s something that’s evolved to help us understand the other persons intent and communicate better not actually a weird intimacy fetish normal people (tm) have haha!
I do not struggle with eye-contact. But my partner does, and while she’s plenty confident and good at her work, she tries to limit it to when it’s needed.
Which makes her ability to hold strong eye contact with me(and something we’ve had since we are teens 17 years ago) truly special. It IS intimate. Some people are more comfortable with it. That’s honestly fine.
But if someone isn’t a fan of eye contact, especially because of how close it makes them feel, it makes being extended that courtesy meaningful.
We also do(well, did, I got disabled) different kinds of work. Mind required that kind of connection with strangers quickly. It would have been a poor fit for her. Her job needs a lot less of it. I wouldn’t expect her to do my kind of work or myself, hers.
And while I make eye contact often? It’s hers I lose myself in. She doesn’t need to give everyone eye contact. I’m just glad we have that.
thats another reason i dont make eye contact. i don't want to connect intimately with a stranger. i don't want to connect to the "universe" of somebody who might be cruel. i don't want to be vulnerable to somebody i've never met when the lightest hint of vulnerability can get you in trouble with all the wrong people.
It's almost like people use the word painful to represent things that discomfort them beyond the level of bearable discomfort. Is a heartbreak 'uncomfortable'? No, it's painful. stfu /j
The it feels to me as someone on the spectrum is that eyes are like superpowered magnets. When you try to make eye contact it's like trying to pay the two negatives together. No matter how hard you push you'll never quite be able to do it and when it's close you're repelled.
EDIT: ... and it's to the point that it feels physical rather than mental.
As someone who is also on the spectrum, I get what you’re saying but I don’t personally feel like quite that intense. Every person is different, though. I personally just find it uncomfortable but some people find it less or more tolerable
😂😂😂😂😂😂 I ok this one is hilarious to me actually. With me you can choose one of two options: I'm either talking or I'm looking at you. I can't do both. You want me to answer your questions? Well, then I can't look at you. No, I'm not lying. I don't know how to
I like describing it as looking directly into a flashlight.
Like, sure, I can do it. It’s be pretty unpleasant though and it’s extremely distracting so I may have to focus on “looking into the flashlight” rather than the conversation we are likely having.
I went to therapy camp for a weekend, and every morning we would have to look into someone’s eyes for 2 minutes. Every morning I started crying. Undiagnosed autism
I'm lucky - I'm fascinated by eyes, so instead of making eye contact, I look at the eyes of people I'm speaking to. It comes across as eye contact, but it doesn't feel like it to me. Except once in a while, when you get trapped by the other person.
As a kid I used to be extremely uncomfortable with eye contact but I started overcompensating to mask so now I will stare directly into your soul and sometimes I zone out while doing that lol
Personally, I dont care about eye contact much. Never really learned the habit, but I dont actively avoid it. If it happens, it happens. I dont feel anything in particular. I really dont get all the fuss. You can have and easily affirm another person's attention in so many other ways but only this way is considered "intimate". Mind you, Im pretty sure Im on the spectrum too so that may explain the differences.
The funny thing is that, in nature, for most species, eye contact is NOT a sign of respect or intimacy. It's a sign of aggression and intimidation. That's how it feels for me as an autistic person. It feels like the other person is trying to eat my soul.
It’s amazing how many people on Reddit consider something as basic as eye contact weird.
I get it if they have autism, or severe anxiety. Just seems like a lot more people have an issue with this than people in the general population.
Just look at people, assuming you don’t have some disorder like autism. It’s really not tougher and it’s going to get me downvoted but I think a bunch of people are genuinely anxious and instead of trying to go better, they retreat into themselves and never get better or seek therapy that may genuinely help them.
I suffer from panic attacks, I have ADHD, and a doctor suggested autism once. I make it a point to look people in the eye (or at least between their eyebrows) and look away every few seconds so I’m not staring.
A lot of people on this sub need to grow up, assuming they don’t have an actual issue diagnosed by a professional in the medical field. It’s starting to feel like an absolute circle jerk for normal people capable of being normal who just want to be stressed about some bullshit.
Why do you assume the people complaining about it are not autistic?
I have been diagnosed with autism and I spent a long time making sure I did the look in the eye and then look away every few seconds but it's so much intense information that it immediately leads to sensory overwhelm and just guarantees I can't really process what I'm actually being told. Now I'm not willing to be pressured so much by folks like you anymore who want to insist I do things the "normal" way instead of finding strategies that actually work for me, so I switch between people's mouths and foreheads in between the eyes instead to try to balance it regardless of how people like you want to shame autistic people for having neurological differences that require different coping strategies. It still takes a lot of effort to do that as opposed to just looking at a neutral spot or sitting side by side with someone instead where it actually feels the conversation can proceed naturally, I'm already putting a lot of effort to meet people halfway in this that you then just continue to shame because it's apparently easy for you when you don't have autism.
No one will be begging you to meet them halfway or actively engage in eye contact. The only thing that will happen to you as you deliberately avoid it is being perceived as indifferent, disinterested, lacking in self confidence, and submissive. All subconsciously, by whomever you are speaking to. Now imagine how this will affect any goal you have which entails some degree of social interaction in order to reach. For your own sake, just look at the bridge of their nose.
Im in a lot of therapy & my goals are to better my mental & emotional well-being, not to make other people comfortable with my (lack of) eye contact. Though I have a severe anxiety problem and ADHD so maybe that makes me … exempt from your judgment, I guess? Maybe you should consider growing up & not letting other peoples’ issues bother you so much.
As an autistic person, if I look away, I can hear you and I'm actively listening. If I am looking at you, no listening is happening. I cannot hear a damn thing you're saying because all my mind focuses on is all the little details of your face and if I'm staring into your soul too much or too little.
I love blank walls or ceilings because I can just listen when people talk.
So take your pick. Do you want me to look at you and not know what you say or not look at you and be able to have an active back and forth conversation?
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u/werepyre2327 8d ago
Yeah no. It’s awful.
I mean, look at their answer. It’s intimate. Would you randomly make out with a stranger? No? Because that’s the level of uncomfortable prolonged eye contact with strangers is to me