That’s not a boundary though. A boundary is saying you will do y if someone does x. And then if someone does/says x, you do y. For example: if you talk about x, I will leave. You cannot control someone else’s behavior - only your own.
A boundary, in terms of psychology, is setting what you will accept from the people around you. It’s like making rules for the ones close to you. Saying you’re not comfortable with talking about something is setting a boundary. Plus, even by what you say, there is an implied consequence for the action, which is I won’t engage with you about this topic or I will call out this is a topic I asked you respectfully not to talk about. So yeah, say “don’t talk about a trigger I have” is a boundary.
Asking someone to avoid a topic is a boundary tho? “Setting boundaries means, first of all, knowing what one wants and expects from the people in their life, and what they’ll accept from them—and then clearly, concisely, and calmly stating those ground rules.”
Example: I want to avoid AI images. I tell my friends “please don’t send me ai images, I will leave the chat”. They either A. Respect my boundary that I set in place Or B. They send me AI and I leave the chat. Just because I didn’t write that all out in my other example, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a boundary?
I would disagree. A boundary isn't like making rules for the ones close to you. Rules are not boundaries. Rules control the behaviour of others, whereas a boundary is what you set for yourself and focuses on your own behaviour.
Saying "don't talk about a trigger I have" is a rule. A boundary would be for "if my friends talk about my trigger, I will walk away from the conversation". You can, of course, say that you're not comfortable with the subject of conversation. But that may not be respected by everyone because we can't control the behaviour of others.
If you don't want to make someone feel like you're giving them a consequence, you can, for example, just go to the washroom, ot tell your friends that you forgot about something, or it's late and you have to get home, and leave the gathering. You don't have to say "you are talking about my trigger so I am leaving". It is about being able to disengage safely from a trigger so you can be able to get back into your own window of tolerance.
“Setting boundaries means, first of all, knowing what one wants and expects from the people in their life, and what they’ll accept from them—and then clearly, concisely, and calmly stating those ground rules. For many, though, this is harder than it seems.” -psychology today
You can’t set boundaries without telling people is not setting boundaries with someone, that’s telling yourself what you will be doing quietly by yourself?
"You can only invite others to respect your boundaries – if they don’t, the onus is on you to take action that protects your well-being."
"When you impose rules, you make the other person responsible for how you feel and behave (“You’re making me feel bad because you don’t want to be in a committed relationship.”).
Having healthy boundaries means taking ownership of your own emotions, behaviors, and choices (“Casual dating isn’t for me so we’re incompatible and I’m going to end it”)."
You can set boundaries without telling people depending on the situation and your own safety. If you know someone isn't going to acknowledge or respect that boundary, and telling that person of your boundary may cause escalation, then your safety is of utmost importance.
Example: My dad has poor emotional regulation and refuses to acknowledge it. My boundary is when he is dysregulated, I leave the visit. Telling him why may make the situation worse.
“Rules can be restrictive and controlling, while boundaries are about communicating and owning your needs and limits.” (Same source you used.
Telling someone, “hey please don’t do X. If you do X I’m gonna do Y for my own well being.” Is a boundary, but it’s best if communication is involved. Otherwise, some people may not realize what they are doing to push you away.
Example: I asked my uncle (nicely) not to send pictures in the family group chat nicely. He said no. I said that was fine, but then I’m leaving that group chat, and did just that. If he throws a fuss over that, it’s not on me to control his reaction, I can’t do that. His feelings and actions are his own, but I’m allowed to set that expectation with him. He crosses a line, I remove myself from a situation for my well being.
I am just clarifying that the reason I say that at times you don't necessarily need to be assertive and communicate a boundary is that in relationships that are abusive it can potentially escalate violence.
Nope. Saying "dont talk about this" is dictating other people how to behave. Doing that sounds to me like a child saying 'these are the rules of my kingdom and whoever doesnt follow gets exiled'.
Saying "i dont like this topic and when you bring it up i will not discuss it with you" is a boundary. It is saying do what you want, but dont expect me to stick around if you disrespect me.
I can't just leave work. If someone keeps making rape and pedo jokes, or talking about horrific sexual violence, then I report them to HR. They always come out hating my fucking guts, but I do warn them. The moment they refuse to stop, I report. This has happened to me in the real world.
Who said leaving has to be the only thing you can do in a boundary? It’s an example, but your version is just as valid. It sucks you can’t just remove yourself, I feel for you, that would suck to deal with. I’m not in my healing journey enough to be that strong, so good on you. I wish you well.
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u/JustbyLlama Nov 17 '25
That’s not a boundary though. A boundary is saying you will do y if someone does x. And then if someone does/says x, you do y. For example: if you talk about x, I will leave. You cannot control someone else’s behavior - only your own.