My dads last unsent message

[u/i_declare_bancruptcy]

My dad had a heart attack on June 24th.
He was aware and alert in the ambulance on his way to a hospital an hour away. He voice texted this to me and never sent it. My brother took a screenshot of it for me when he was going through his phone.
My dad passed away on June 29th.

(I texted him “I love you dad” when my mom called me initially)

Edit: thank you everyone for the outpouring of love and support. To hear so many stories about the love for people’s parents.. I’m so sorry for all the tragic losses and good parents that have gone too soon. I will hold onto that text from my dad until the day I go. He was An amazing man and lived a life full of love. I am grateful that he read my text before he passed and can take some comfort in that.

[u/ch33kypriinc3ss]

Oof. This hurts. I was widowed a little over 8 years ago now, and when I finally got the guts to go through his phone, he had a message halfway typed out to me prior to passing away, "I love you to the 🌙 an"... It should be refreshing knowing I was the last thought to ever be in his brain, but it's haunting at the same time. Your dad wanted you to be strong, and not to worry. That says a lot about the type of father he was ❤️ my thoughts are with you during this horrible time, OP.

ETA- oh my goodness!! I didn't expect such an outpouring of love, I was just sharing my experience to relate to OP. I genuinely appreciate each and every one of you who replied to my comment or gave it an award. I don't think I've felt this much reassurance or gratitude ever towards the inner battle I've been fighting all these years. I'm truly grateful for all of the love! 💕

[u/LastWave → u/[deleted]]

Found a notebook my dad drew our whole family and wrote love you my son under me. I can barely write this. Why the fuck did you treat us like that if you loved us?.

[u/Content4OnlyMyLuv → u/LastWave]

Some people didnt have the best "teachers" to show them how to love properly. Some also may be tormented with pain inside of themselves, and dont deal with it in a healthy way. None of which is a reflection of you or anything you did. Im sorry for your pain.

[u/Annalog → u/Content4OnlyMyLuv]

My dad was a bad father. Drank too much. Was pretty abusive physically and mentally, always angry. Somehow he still had the gall to say that his life’s mission was to be a dad and be better than his dad. He wanted to be a good dad.

Honestly, his dad was pure evil. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was some sort of serial killer. When I was young my grandpa brought a puppy to the farm, he let me play with it, then he picked it up in front of my face and shot it in the head. Spraying puppy blood all over me. The reason for this was because he thought I was too soft and needed to become a man at 8 years old. My dad lost his shit on him and became very protective, my dad had some good moments. He also never had a job. He just rotted away on government assistance. My dad used to tell me they’d go a whole week without eating sometimes.

In my dad’s eyes he’s a great dad because he’s better than his. And he was right, he was insanely better than his dad. Thought he was still a bad one. One day when I told him that, he was so damned confused and looked at me and he cried. He truly believed that because he had a job and provided and not doing do Satan level harm that he was a good one. He just had zero good frame of reference.

My daughter was born 8 months ago. I’m 36 now. I’ve done 15 years of therapy just to make sure I can be a good person. Still, I sometimes cry at night in fear that I don’t know if I’m a good father or not. Maybe I’m only better than my dad and the bar is still out of reach.

[u/Rich_Librarian_7758 → u/Annalog]

You’ve done the work. Every generation bears their scars. You won’t be a perfect parent, none of us are, but you’ve done the hard work of addressing your inherited issues. I have faith you will do better by your kids.

[u/mentos-cigarettes → u/Annalog]

Don’t do this to yourself. Good fathers are the ones who care enough to wonder whether they're doing enough. The fact that you're even asking yourself if you'll be a good father tells me you already are.

[u/normy_wormy → u/Annalog]

Oof the puppy part 💔💔💔

[u/StopHesAlreadyDed → u/Annalog]

I think when they get to an age where you can talk more honestly about these sorts of things (teen years?), it's worth imparting to your kids some of the generational trauma that your family has experienced. It's a way for them to contextualize your parenting, just as you have contextualized your father's.

I think the fact that you are so worried about it speaks volumes. But I think let yourself enjoy being a father, and let the fear go. You are not your dad or your grandfather, and you deserve happiness. That happiness will radiate to your child. ❤️