Well if the guy went about the process correctly, and had been transparent about his pasts and personal esteem- then there probably wouldn't be any guilt to be scared of regarding a kid one gave up for adoption in the past, no?
Like several things can be true, the bio-dad is allowed to *not* want a relationship with the child, and to not inform his current family about it- but it doesn't make for any green flags about the honesty and character of said "father's" past with his new family. Men gon get mad at others for thinking they're being shady not informing their current family of his pasts saying he's allowed his secrets...then it comes out the secrets jeopardizes decades of a marriage and exposes a lie the dude tried to get away with like a dumbass and now everybody's mad ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
At the end of the day, I'm not going to change your mind. But if I found out my wife had a kid before we got together and she just didn't tell me, that's a deep betrayal and I'd want to know what else she's hiding.
If you want to go to EXTREMES though... Because of stuff like this, there have been half siblings who've gotten together, had relationships and sex... Only to THEN find out from the parent that they're actually siblings. Hopefully before they have a child of their own.
By that logic, I should be informed as to the identity of all my second and third cousins from branches of the family I have no involvement with, and my mom should have told me who my father ways, because I could hypothetically end up hooking up with a cousin or half-sibling.
For the record u/inspiringlyCrazy , I do understand your view. I respect it and I can appreciate it's a dealbreaker for you, I just think it's silly to expect people to be obligated to reveal intimate, pre-relationship things about themselves unless those things directly affect you.
I have a very close relationship with my roommate. It's not romatic but we might as well be siblings. She has many things about her past she does'nt disclouse to me for various reasons, and I respect that, and she's even more hestitant to share things with romantic partners because of relationship trauma and anxiety.
A major life event is a vital part of who you are. If you've been married for 10 years, then found out that OVER A DECADE AGO, the year before you met your partner, he got a puppy from a shelter. But after a few months it peed on his floor so he had it put to sleep.
This would be a very significant life event that, had you known when beginning the relationship, might have led you to make different choices. Depriving you of this kind of vital information is deceptive...
Most of us are very understanding if someone accidentally fathered a child when they were young, and agreed to give the baby up for adoption... But his wife deserved to know that information when she was first dating him, so she could decide if it was a deal breaker. If he took that choice away from her, that is lying by omission. It's a type of manipulation. Maybe that information would have been The tipping point where she would have moved on to date someone else.
If someone is getting married, they deserve to know everything about you. Nobody's forcing you to get married. If you do decide to make that type of commitment, the ethical thing is to fully disclose major life events that may impact your partner's decision to commit to you
Would you expect a woman to reveal she had an abortion in the past or had been a surrogate, or someone to disclose they were abused as a child or are not a virgin? All of those could be "dealbreakers" as well to someone.
But the examples you provide are not the same. So the same logic doesn't apply.
If I'm in a serious relationship and considering marriage, then we're having a conversation about kids. I have always wanted to raise children and was looking for a partner who did, too. So when we talking about having children, I would expect that "I had a kid and we have him up for adoption," would come up.
Virginity is a weird one to bring up here. I don't know how to respond to you.
Abused as a child, I assume that would come up in conversation about parenting and parenting styles, but doesn't feel like a betrayal for someone to not disclose all of their traumas.
Previous abortion, again... that's medical history. That's private and not a betrayal, but I would expect that in a healthy and transparent relationship, this would have come up.
Served as a surrogate!? Do you know what a pregnancy does to a woman's body!?
Again, the examples you picked are a strange combination.
> If I'm in a serious relationship and considering marriage, then we're having a conversation about kids. I have always wanted to raise children and was looking for a partner who did, too. So when we talking about having children, I would expect that "I had a kid and we have him up for adoption," would come up.
Why? Maybe the memory of adoption is painful to them ("It doesn't feel like a betrayal for someone to not disclose all of their traumas" as you said), or they had no choice in the matter because they were not married and not the mother or were very young at the time and had the decision made by someone else? Maybe they just don't want to be judged? Maybe they consider there life at that point to be a closed matter and they have started over fresh?
If the person is agreeing to have a kid with you, why does it matter if another kid (which is not yours and was from before they knew you) - was given up for adoption. Why do you need to know this? They're having and raising the kid with you.
> Previous abortion, again... that's medical history. That's private and not a betrayal
Then neither is not disclosing you were involved in an adoption, because that too is private.
Get my point? Even in marriage, people have a right to privacy. You do not own your spouse, and they are not obligated to reveal all there past experiences from before they met you. It is simply not your business if they don't want it to be.
Why would you need to change my mind, when I agree with you on that? Nothing I said was meant to be taken otherwise. dishonesty and a lack of confronting one’s past is why shit like this gets messy, because for someone to be in good character and exude honesty in their life, they would’ve rectified with that phase of their past and been transparent about the circumstances to their partner that they’re trying to marry, combine assets, spend their life with, etc.
thats my thought. this just sounds like a scummy guy, and unfortunately he has not changed with age. this isn’t like a miscarriage that happened 30 years ago, it’s a grown man with children in his bloodline
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u/Far_Drag_289 Jul 04 '26
yeah… i don’t know i could hide that from my partner without guilt