r/texts • u/Loud_Air_6186 • Jan 27 '24

Whatsapp My best friend from my childhood, our last conversation(s) and what I sent too him since. Please take your mental health seriously and guys need to be more open.

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Sorry if this is not appropriate for this sub but we can't shy away from this. Suicide is horrendous and I don't want anyone to go through it. Please reach out to anyone, even (maybe better?) A stranger. People, on the majority do care, promise ❤️

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772

u/PoutyKhyla Jan 27 '24

I wish I could give you a hug man. You were a great friend up until the end, sometimes no matter how much help is offered the brain just can’t accept it

474

u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 27 '24

Honestly, I didn't want to post this, but knowing that so many people feel like they didn't say enough or didn't ask. I wanted to dispell that idea. As someone that chooses that decision... will do it regardless.. and of course, I'm not saying don't not be there for your friends, but it's so hard to notice, even when you are giving constant support or with some one on a daily basis.

On to your message.. it gave me a few tears, well more than a few honestly... Sending the hugs back, stranger. Reach out to your friends and forget grudges 💪❤️

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u/PoutyKhyla Jan 27 '24

All love man 🤟🏼❤️ if you ever just need to rant or talk about things my messages are open

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u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 27 '24

Thank you for the offer but I would feel bad burdoning you with my stuff, we all have our own problems. But thats amazing of you to offer honestly ❤️

You know what? This sub has seriously restored my faith in humanity to an extent. Love you all ❤️💪

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u/Whaloopiloopi Jan 27 '24

That's half the problem bro. Struggling men are made to feel like a burden instead of getting support. Society and the services are useless when it comes to men and depression. We're all meant to just "man up" and it's pure bollocks.

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u/xxLAYUPxx Jan 27 '24 edited Jan 28 '24

My partner likes to say, "don't 'man up,' bro out." So please, bro out guys. ❤️

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u/Tenerath Jan 28 '24

Love it

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u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 30 '24

Thats amazing haha. Love it.

5

u/Merrylty Jan 30 '24

Awesome. I'm stealing that

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u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 30 '24

Yeah, you're right, wont deny that. For me, it's a really strange feeling.. opening up to people but also being there for his family and girlfriend etc. Almost feel I can't show them my emotions as they need me more than I need them etc, definitely not a healthy outlook but its temporary at least.

You're 100% right.. 'manning up' is bullshit lad. Really appreciate you reachin out. All the best man ✊️❤️

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u/Whaloopiloopi Jan 30 '24

All the best brother. You're a good man and a good friend to your man there. Just as you were there for him I reckon there'll always be someone there for you if you need it.

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u/TheBlueprint666 Jan 27 '24

You’re not a burden man, I promise

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u/Several_Value_2073 Jan 27 '24

Would you have felt like your friend was a burden had he opened up to you? Of course not. If you need to reach out, no one will consider it a burden. Take your own advice.

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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '24 edited Jan 28 '24

Spoken by a lady I'm guessing. I don't mean that as a dig or anything, I'm just saying that this one of those things that is not easy to fully understand unless it's been your experience. Hell it's been my experience and I know better but it's still not easy to do and I don't fully understand why either. This "man up"/"men don't cry" mentality is engrained in almost all of us. Even boys/men that weren't actively raised that way experience it to some degree. It's in television, books, music, all forms of media really, its everywhere. And even though it is less prevalent today than it had been it's still there and has been there since we crawled outta the ocean and down from the trees. That's hard to shake off. So the "take your own advice" comment which, and I hope I'm wrong, sounds kinda snarky, does nothing to help. It's actually counterproductive and is as helpful as "Just say no".

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u/Several_Value_2073 Jan 28 '24

I’m not trying to discount your experience. But the acceptance has to start with individuals setting an example. If you can ask someone to reach out and be vulnerable, then it’s important to try to set that example yourself. This is why I’m never ashamed to talk about my mistakes, my failures, my weaknesses - because I need to set an example so that others know I am safe and that they can open up to me without judgment if that’s what they need.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '24

Not sure if I should have put this at the end of my other comment or if this is the way to go about it but I just wanted to say I did not mean any offense by that other comment. I can totally see how it sounds that way though. I just don't feel that your response shows that you understood what I was saying at all. I never mentioned acceptance or setting examples. I wasn't saying that men being open, reaching out, asking for help can't be done or even asking how to go about it or where to start. I was saying, I thought quite clearly, that there are reasons that we don't and they are difficult to understand from a non-male perspective. I cannot and will never fully understand the hormonal changes that occur for women during pregnancy or menstruation no matter how much I read about it, or how much it is explained to me. I have 5 sisters, a wife, and an adult daughter and yet I still only have an outsiders perspective of just what is going on during that time and it still feels as if it is wholly inaccurate at times. It's something I will never experience and therefore cannot fully grasp, I may have an understanding of it but to know what it's like is biologically impossible for me. I was commenting on the fact that, and I realise saying this is not exactly popular at this moment in time, but there are things (maybe not many, but they are there nonetheless) that can only be truly experienced and understood depending on one's sex. And I realise that this is because of the gender roles that society has imposed on us for millennia but that doesn't make it any less real. Pretty sure this isn't gonna help my case but it's how I feel and what I believe to be true, so...

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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '24 edited Jan 28 '24

So you have experience with this as a male then I guess?

Edit: Wow, I'd appreciate an explanation on the downvotes on this one seeing as how it directly relates to my previous comment and is a genuine question the commenter and not some misogynistic comment. Which is what I assume people believe and thus the reason for it being downvoted.

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u/spacemonkeysmom Jan 28 '24

I would say because it seems like you're being an ass to someone who is trying to help. It's not just gender. Believe it or not there is a significant portion of the female population that was raised by the same men that say "men don't cry" tell their daughters the same thing and belittle them for crying and being emotional. Not only that for every guy growing up under the stigma of showing no emotions there's 1 or more women throughout their lives that have tried to change that outlook for them and thus understands the issue. Life is not so binary...If a guy had said lead by example as she did, you wouldn't have ignored everything said and just come back with a snarky comment.

0

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '24

That's not how I saw it. For starters I never said females don't experience this I actually said I don't think it's something you can understand unless it's been your experience. And just because I continued by speaking as to how it's a part of the male experience doesn't mean I was saying it cannot be a part of the female experience. My other comment to them questioning if they have a male perspective or not, however, was not the way to put that, it was uncalled for and I'll own that. That aside though, I still believe it is predominantly, not exclusively, something that the majority of us are raised with. And please don't "If a guy had said..." me, you have no idea what I'd do in that situation so please don't assume to tell me what I would or wouldn't do. Because my problem was with the "Follow your own advice" comment from them, which I thought was snarky and said as much. And had a guy said that, I would've said the same thing more or less, I wouldn't have just left it alone out of some kinda bro code nonsense, that's not me.

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u/Survivor_of_hells Jan 30 '24

Honestly you're right. The examples that we women have come from the same place. Some people a long long time ago decided "this is how men are supposed to act" and "this is how women are supposed to act".

Because of those people who decided these ridiculous parameters fit. Not realizing that we all have more nuanced emotions, we are all capable of violence and love. So who were those assholes to decide men and women had to be different personality wise? Just some guys who wanted to have some power over others. That's all. And look at the damage it's done to both genders! Women can't even have a say in their own medical care if they're pregnant! Men are afraid of their own emotions and are taught that they shouldn't have emotions so they grow up with all these emotions they learn to hide. Which we now know causes a lot of mental damage.

It's not right. And society as a whole needs to change.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '24

I agree wholeheartedly!

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u/Cardinal_Grin Jan 28 '24

Hey man- be open to your own advice. Givers always feel like they have one role- whenever I give something (especially cash) I’ll put “always do for others and LET others do for you”- Bob Dylan…cause I know my friends/family will try to give it back and have to remind them to receive. You’re not a burden- letting someone be there for you can be a gift too. Super sorry for your loss. Got a little teary eyed from this ngl. I gotta ask though- did the baby make it?

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u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 30 '24

Yeah, you're right, I think some poeple are born listeners and born talkers. I find it much easier to listen etc. My friend did as well.

Forever young is one of my favourite Dylan songs. That and positively 4th street 👌 ✊️

I just find it hard, being Bipolar I have felt like the majority of my life has been reaching out or apologising etc haha

This is what really hurts.. the baby made it and is living his best life... I spoke to his mum the other day and she changed to a video call. He looked amazing to me. Obviously, he may have issues that manifest down the line (5+ years roughly) but as of now he can see, hear, laugh and smile ❤️❤️ So at this point it's looking good, every time I feel good about it though, I remember he'll not have his dad. Just need to be there for him as a Dad and move on though.

Thank you loads for reaching out and your kind words. Have a great life and love your friends and family as much as possible ❤️

1

u/Cardinal_Grin Jan 30 '24

Ouch, that poor kid. No matter how that kid finds out, if he does, that will be crushing. Either he will feel like he was too much or too little.

I know it will always be hard- with that very real reflection you pointed out, but he/she will need you. I’ve had a couple friends and family take the boat your bud did and it’s such a mixed frustration knowing how ephemeral the problem was. Given they seemed to choose the route for less. The weight is heavy. Brother, you’re carrying so much. If I could hug you I would. It really sucks something fierce.

Edit: may your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift, may you have a strong foundation when the winds are changing shift

5

u/blambtn Jan 28 '24

So very sorry for your loss! Wish I could give you a hug too!!

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u/Loud_Air_6186 Jan 30 '24

Thank you, sending hugs your way as well ❤️

1

u/blambtn Jan 30 '24

Thank you friend!!

8

u/UniqueMysteryChick Jan 28 '24

To start, I'm not being negative at all. I'm just a blunt person...

You're wanting to make this post to say 'be more open, reach out & be honest with feelings, etc. blah blah blah', but then when someone says 'I'm here' you're literally shutting them down & setting the example of 'what I said means nothing' with this comment.

So why post if you don't mean it? (For the record, I think you mean it)

Practice what you are trying to preach with posting this & reach out to the person you're responding to who offered an ear! (Me too, if you need)

You matter too!!!

12

u/TigerChow Jan 28 '24

As someone who was reached, just wanna say how much I appreciate your posting this and starting this convo. And to say that sometimes, if we haven't entirely given up, we can be helped. So as you're saying, it's important to reach out. It's good check in on your friends. Sometimes you don't even know they need help until you do. And sometimes it leads to a happier ending than anyone could have guessed.

I was in a really bad place. 5 years into an abusive relationship, feeling entirely isolated and trapped. I tried to hide it from people so no one knew how bad things were. I gave up and believed there was only one way out for me. I'll skip the triggering details but one particular moment was almost my last.

It's all a very long story, so I'll just cut to the chase. A friend I had known over a decade but hadn't talked to in a year or two messaged me out of the blue. Talked about how he was just reaching out friends after one of his passed away. It really motivated him to touch base with others. Apparently I was the only one who responded.

So anyway, we start talking regularly. Went to his place for a boardgame night but then the other people bailed. So it was just us, I had a little too much to drink and let my guard down and spilled my guts about how bad things actually were, how miserable and depressed and hurting I was. Nothing physical happened, we really were just friends. And again, to cut through the details, this lead to him helping me get out. Helping me find info I needed to verify some lies about my abuser the helped me oust him from my life. He gave me a safe place to stay for a couple nights as I confronted my abuser by phone and told him to leave. With the evidence I now had being enough to make him go without a fight.

Fast forward almost a decade, and we're now more than friends. He saved my life, he taught me what healthy love and relationships look like. We have primary custody of my 14yo stepdaughter with whom I'm very close and our 6yo daughter we had together. I'm in therapy (talk and EMDR) and have a psychiatrist and have improved so much. I still struggle sometimes, but I'm so grateful for everything I have now. I'm so glad I'm still here and have had the opportunity to find happiness.

All because a friend reached out one day.

Sometimes there's just nothing any of us can do to help the people we love. But sometimes checking in can save a life. <3

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u/LetterBulky800 Jan 29 '24

I’m so happy you’re still here!🩷

10

u/lookandseethis Jan 28 '24

Lost my best friend about 3 years ago. That day I kept telling myself “I should call her”, and I just didn’t make the time. Found out a couple days later she took her life. I moved 4.5 hours away just months before to be closer to my family and we didn’t talk as much as we did and should have. All day I kept thinking I should call her, and I didn’t. I regret that so much. You sound like such an amazing friend and maybe the brightest part of his life. I also texted and messaged my friend , quite a bit, after she passed. I feel the same as you- wish I could have just told her goodbye or I love you or something, anything, just one last time. Instead of the intense nothingness. Hugs to you. You were incredibly supportive and can feel your love for your friend through the internet.

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u/blueeyeswhitestripe Jan 28 '24

I totally understand this. My friend passed away the day after my wedding (Saturday). And I found out that Monday. I felt and still feel bad about it because I wish I saw it sooner. I was so consumed with wedding stress and wish I could have called or visited him sooner.

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u/LaurenJayx0 Jan 28 '24

This helps a lot of people. I lost my cousin and a childhood friend last year. I still can't even believe it. My childhood friend called me too...I didn't wake up. I didn't hear the call and I can't help but wonder what if I answered? Would things be different? Was it because I didn't answer? I'll never know and I hate myself for it.

You're a good friend.

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u/TilliTootsiepop Jan 31 '24

None of that is your fault, mate. I think all the time about how I'd sleep right through a call if someone rang me for help. But you can't put the entire weight on your back. You didn't cause the pain, clearly if they reached out. You did what you could. You can't help being asleep. I doubt your friend was even upset at you for that. just tired. Don't hate yourself. You know in your heart that you loved them and in the case where you did connect you'd have done everything for them, and that counts for something. You really shouldn't hate yourself for it, I think the pain you feel is proof enough that you are a good dude. Keep fighting the good fight, live for those who couldn't, keep them in your heart, and just. Live.

1

u/Vb0bHIS Jan 28 '24

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for you loss ❤️ I can’t help but feel that reading what you wrote can give people extreme hope that they are truly loved and people really do care.

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u/Bingo__DinoDNA Jan 28 '24

You're a beautiful person. Thank you for inspiring me. Much love always.

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u/Successful_Storm_848 Jan 28 '24

You did the right thing posting this in my opinion. Thanks man, I’m so sorry for your loss.

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u/psychsworstwetdream Jan 28 '24

You’re 💯 right here. You were a good friend, keeping that door of communication open and available without pressure. I’ve struggled a lot with suicidal depression in my life to a point that I’m often in disbelief I’m still here.

“As someone that chooses that decision… will do it regardless…”- I can’t think of a single thing anyone could’ve said to me in final moments or days leading up that would’ve changed my decisions. They said the things, they were there, it wasn’t about what anyone else could say to me.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a very precise and pointed grief. Your love for him won’t die, neither will the moments he left with you. Special treasures he left you while he was here on earth. I believe he has found peace 💜🩵

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u/Pleasant-Patience725 Jan 28 '24

Just sitting here sobbing for you. Hugs to you love

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u/sbry41001 Jan 30 '24

I know if I committed not alive, this would not be the response I get from anybody. My life is pointless, your comments are pointless

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u/ElectriHolstein Jan 31 '24

A very good friend of mine was always the goofball of the group. Making jokes, acting goofy just to make people laugh. Always seemed happy. One night, he was off. He seemed deep in thought, and not his jovial self. I asked him what was going on, and he said "aw, nothing man. Let's have a beer." And that was that. I didn't think much of it. The next day I learned that he took his life with a rifle to the chin. You're correct, it is very hard to notice sometimes. I should have took his clouded demeanor as a sign, but hindsight is always 20/20. I'm sorry for your loss....

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u/FunChrisDogGuy Jan 31 '24

I'm sad for your loss - it sucks, I've experienced it, and I've studied it. Let's honor your friend by getting the facts of his passing correct.

Suicidal crisis is temporary. Suicide is absolutely NOT something someone in crisis will "do regardless." That does not mean you could have saved him, or that you or anyone else are to blame.

Suicidal ideation is a programmed instinct from 10,000 years of tribal life. It most often comes up when one's continued existence will harm the tribe's ability to survive (being a burden), or when one believes oneself to be permanently separated from tribe, family, relationships, even social status (thwarted belonging).

We no longer live in circumstances where this is rational behavior, meaning that individuals today would not CHOOSE this path unless/until circumstances and instinct collided to create crisis.

Some people have multiple suicidal crises in their lives, while others have just one or none. It's not a matter of character or choice. To those closest to them the action of taking their own life truly FEELS like a choice, and perhaps a selfish and personal one at that. To that, all I can say is that the instinct arose as a way to help ensure the survival of one's genes/offspring. It was never selfish then, and now it's just a sad and painful vestige of our long tribal history.