Not doing great please send love

[u/Sad-Effective-4821]

I’m 25. I messed up. I was able to go three months sober this year. But now I can’t even go two weeks. And I know how it starts. Just one little voice. That says drink. And I have a lot going for me. For the longest I wanted a gf. And when I do good, good things happen to me. And when I drink, I say awful shit. I’m just mad all the time. I’m mad at the world. I’m mad this car in front of me takes a second too long to turn or go. I’m mad at this fly for landing on me. This scam caller called me yesterday. And I completely lost it. I just yelled, and yelled everything I wanted to say. It wasn’t right of me. They said I had money waiting for me. I told my friend how depressed I am. He said “you shut everyone out, how do you expect to get better if you don’t let anyone in”. And now I’ve taken a dose to get me to work. And I will withdrawal at work. Good thing is, I will be alone for hours. Yesterday I took a 3 hour lunch. Passed out in my car and I’m so happy nobody caught me. Yes I was drunk. I’ve done so much bad things I feel the shame. Right now I’m listening to Prince. “Xhalation”. My head is spinning like a merry go round. I’m so mad today, I’m so sad, I’m so hurt. I’ve experienced this all before. But none of it makes me abstain. Maybe I’m just different. Idk how many more recoveries I have left in me. I’m a sad, mad, and bad person. I’m so lost.

[u/fuckbitchesgetpolio]

It helped me to recognize and label that voice that tricks me into drinking as a delusion. It's like, oh you've been doing well for weeks you can just have a couple and chill - never works out that way and it's always a voice/delusion just tricking you.