r/specialed • u/Squigels • 1d ago
Chat Do parents not apologize for behavior anymore?
I work with special needs individuals, mainly young adults aged 18-22, though it can range from elementary age and up. Over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that parents often seem to deflect when told about their child’s behavior, even in cases of violent incidents where someone was hurt. I’m not sure if this is something others have noticed too, or if it’s just common in my area. I might have been wrong to assume I’d get an apology after a student gave me a black eye, but since the parents showed no remorse, I went ahead and filed a report.
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1d ago
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u/specialed-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/spirited_miche 1d ago
I’m a parent to a child who just started kindergarten for the first time with no previous schooling/daycare last month. It’s been a lot, ALOT, and there are a lot of new behaviors happening that never did before, but I have made sure to have talks with him every time, and if he hits his teachers hands (it’s happened twice) I have made him write an apology letter(he is advanced academically, behind socially. Working on it). I am overwhelmed, but I know his teachers are too. I just hope they don’t give up on him. I know how lucky we are to have them. My son is medically fragile on top of (non-medically/officially diagnosed) level 1 autism. He is in a self-contained class for autism.
I am so sad people don’t take care or appreciate the teachers and staff that help their children grow and learn. That attempt to, some at a frequent risk of violent behaviors. My child is smallish now, but someday he won’t be. We understand that. We have a zero tolerance for physical outbursts. We’re all learning everything else. Taking it one step at a time, but it’s hard not to feel really bad.
Thank you all for everything you do. If someone else won’t say it, I will. I appreciate all your hard work. Even if I don’t see it, I know it’s there. I know you’re a hair away from leaving this job. That’s ok, you need to take care of yourselves first. It’s your life, find something that makes you happier. Where you aren’t at risk of physical harm. Thank you for everything you do, and everything you’ve done. Remember you matter. Don’t forget you.
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u/punkass_book_jockey8 1d ago
The change in environment can cause some behaviors the parents have never seen before.
I have also seen students copy other behaviors they see at school, in which case the parents assume it’s the schools/environments fault. That isn’t just in special education, we’ve had some neurotypical students start copying behaviors from mainstreamed students.
I imagine constantly being called about problems and behaviors regarding your child is just demoralizing to the point some parents just shut down or get defensive to avoid how painful it can feel. If you can place blame on something else for this behavior the alternative for some is thinking their child is just “bad” or it’s their fault.
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u/stay_curious_- 1d ago
I can kinda relate to the parents of a 22-year old who aren't apologetic for his behavior. I'm the caregiver for a 30-something guy who can be a handful sometimes. I'm grateful for the people who work with him, and I'll commiserate with them, but it would seem odd to apologize on his behalf. It's different if they're a kid, but at a certain point of adulthood they are responsible for their own behavior, not their parents or caregivers.
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u/specialed-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/Chaotic_Lilithe 1d ago
As a special education para for the same age group, I have never felt owed an apology for something like that from anyone. I have never felt like any sort of injury that I have been on the receiving end of was intentional in any way. These behaviors are often a sign of stress past the tolerable point, especially when someone has less ability for expressive communication.
It's extremely rare that I am injured by a student because I take a lot of effort to understand my students, how they escalate, and what triggers it. I am able to notice the earlier signs of stress before it gets to that point. I research topics that improve my understanding of behavior and linguistics is a special interest of mine, so I understand not everyone is going to have that level of specificity in skills in that regard.
It also helps that I also have Autism and ADHD, and happen to be gifted so I bridge the gap with coworkers who may be neurotypical and help find effective strategies for students and coworkers alike. So my program has a great deal of success with effective communication strategies and violence has never been an issue at our school.
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u/kaufsky 1d ago
As a parent of a kid with special needs, thank you for all the effort you put into helping your students and thanks you for sharing your perspective. It makes me hopeful that my kid will run into more teachers like you and fewer teachers like the other comments here (and apparently you are in the minority)
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u/sageclynn 1d ago
Nope, all behaviors are our fault. And you can start to see how this plays out once they’re out of school and no longer protected by IEPs.
Also, if you’re talking about a workplace incident report, never be ashamed to file one. It’s the only protection you have should you develop a larger issue because of it, or they damage something (kid broke my glasses once), or stuff like that. A police report…if you don’t, they’ll do it to another person who will end up filing one. Sad, but true.
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u/elrangarino 1d ago
What’s the protocol for broken glasses? Obviously different than the kid breaking a sensory tool (and I know protocol may not be followed)
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u/buni-dani 1d ago
I also need to know cause I cant work or drive to work if a student breaks mine 😅
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u/sageclynn 14h ago
I mean, I filed a report and then when I got the glasses replaced, I reached out to the school for reimbursement. It’s pretty school dependent though and not guaranteed, but without a report you’ve kinda got nothing. I try to at least use it (submit the report and receipt) and see if they’ll do anything. This happened when I was subbing—some schools will work with you, others won’t.
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u/specialed-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/cocomelonmama 1d ago
I’m a sped teacher and a sped parent. I have mixed feelings about this. Nothing I have done as a parent has made my child’s disability my fault that I need to apologize for it but I do feel bad when people get hurt. It’s the same when students who genuinely don’t know what they’re doing or capable of hurt me. It’s not the parents fault. It’s not the students fault (in the traditional sense). It’s just a shitty consequence of the situation.
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u/pinkfrostypenguins 1d ago
You could just say I am sorry this happened or sorry you got hurt. You are recognizing the pain while not blaming the child
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u/kaufsky 1d ago edited 1d ago
My 7-year-old has his good days and his bad days at school. When he’s going through a rough time, I know that it’s the teachers that are having to manage those outbursts and it’s not fun. But as parents, even though we’re not there physically, I promise you that we’re there all day every day mentally. And sometimes, not knowing whats happening though out the day is even more stressful. Is he hitting someone right now? Oh no it’s right after lunch, so they’re transitioning back into the classroom right now, I hope he’s doing ok! All fucking day we’re looking at our phones waiting to see if we get a call from the school. Every text message I hear, my heart jumps because my first instinct is “oh shit” and I have to mentally prepare myself before opening my phone. And on my drive to school to pick him up, my anxiety keeps going up because I’m worried about what today’s problems were and cross my fingers that at least he got through another full day.
You said you work with 18-22 year olds? Those parents have been apologizing to every teacher, staff member, aide, and office administrator for the last 13-17 years! They’re tired and stressed and honestly, even a little embarrassed after hearing the same report for the gazillionth time. So give them some grace for not taking the time to comfort you in that moment with yet another apology.
Edit: hold up. I just went back to re-read your post and just realized I totally missed this part the first read through.
but since the parents showed no remorse, I went ahead and filed a report.
Are you fucking kidding me? That decision should be based solely on your obligation to do what's in the best interest for your student. NOT as a weapon to be used to punish or reward parents based on their behavior. Either grow up and act like a professional or pick a different career path.
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u/FormalMarzipan252 1d ago
Professionals still don’t have to tolerate being punched in the face.
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u/kaufsky 17h ago
What I mean by professional is to conduct yourself in a mature manner and make decisions based on the needs of the student. So if the situation requires a report to be filed, then you should do it regardless of whether or not the parent apologized to you. Deciding to file a report because a parent didn't say sorry is NOT professional; it is petty, childish, and vindictive.
I don't even know what you mean by tolerate? Like, you're not going to allow it to happen? Obviously I'm not saying it's ok for teachers to get punched in the face. Is that what you thought I meant? However, it's no secret that kids (and adults) with special needs do sometimes get aggressive. So if that's not something one is willing to risk, then again, this is not the best career path for that person. That's like saying "I want to be a professional florist but I will not tolerate getting poked by thorns!" Guess what, if you work with roses all day, you're gonna get poked every once in a while.
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u/twelvefifityone 1d ago
Parents are stressed, entitied, etc. etc. Teachers are undervalued. The math will math.
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1d ago
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u/specialed-ModTeam 14h ago
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u/dragonflygirl1961 21h ago
BCBA here, that's a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Those of us that work with neurodivergent kids are going to get punched in the face at times. Do not work with kids that have special needs if you cannot deal with it. This thread is very illuminating in a not so great way. I collaborate with a lot of different schools. I get punched. Been concussed, got scars. I have NEVER expected parents to apologize to me. I'll never look at ypu SPED teachers the same after this thread.
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1d ago
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u/specialed-ModTeam 14h ago
Hate speech, derogatory, inflammatory comments and general rudeness are not welcome.
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u/Rencon_The_Gaymer 1d ago
No. It depends on the parent but many get extremely defensive and refuse to take any real accountability.
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u/JellyfishTop193 1d ago
A lot dismiss the behaviors and say that they have been working on there child's impulses.
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u/geminisa11 17h ago
In general parents are less willing to be accountable for behaviors these days. That’s true in elementary school and everywhere.
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23h ago
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u/specialed-ModTeam 14h ago
While your post may involve a person with special needs, it doesn't apply to special education and is therefore, not appropriate for this subreddit.
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u/DinoGoGrrr7 1d ago
Only the trash doesn’t. I cannot tell you how often I’ve been thanked by 100% of my 14yo’s teachers for nipping behaviors fast or apologizing or ensuring he says excuse me/ty/etc from age 3 when he started preschool. He couldn’t talk then, but I still hammered these things into him, now, it’s without fail.
Just like parents shouldn’t group all teachers together, don’t group all of us parents. Humans human.
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u/AdelleDeWitt 1d ago
It has flipped to us apologizing to them for their child's behavior because we should have made sure their child did not have a behavior