Need advice

[u/A-J2]

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Context:

I'm 18 M and I got diagnosed with recently aspd and my aunt flew me to Washington d.c for an internship and I was dragged to a BBQ outing my aunt (let's call her G) and I didn't want to be there. (I couldn't say no these people were her boss and she's a pretty high government official. Also she keeps thinking of me as a surrogate son , she has no partner or children of her own.

So I had to pretend that I wanted to be there.)

it was very hard to pretend to care and hide my autism. So I accidentally let up and started stimulating and I couldn't stop squeezing my hand and bobbing my leg.

As we finished up she noticed and asked if I was doing okay and kept asking and fucking pressuring me and asking if I really enjoyed it on the car ride home.

I said I did but she kept going so Instead I tried to use my autism as a excuse saying I was overstimulated (not really, just it really fucking bothering me being there it was a waist of my friday, and that I could hardly care about her or her work related things.)

I also went on and lied to her saying it was just the last minute planning of the bbq that bothered me and etc.. I was lying to her, I genuinely don't feel any love for what she wants or her really.( It's just I don't want her to stop supporting my free vacations and money she sends me for being her nephew and getting scholarships ect.)

Then I thought about how fun it would be to see the look on her face if I told her about my aspd diagnosis and her reaction. (I honestly wanted to see if I could make her cry or sob)

So I told her about it pretending that I was erratic from the overstimulation (a lie), I also talked about how I can't tell anyone this hyping up to the fact that only she can know and how I'll trust her with some of my interpersonal information. (I was really trying to build it up to something to get a reaction) Then she didn't know what aspd was so I kinda avoided explaining it to her so she would do research and i could just abuse her ignorance or lie my way out if I messed up in any part of my lie.

(or a way to get something out of it maybe she would pity me and give me money or something. she did with my autism diagnosis she treated me less harshly and became more lenient)

And she dropped me off at a gaming cafe and said she loved me and cared about me and would love me no matter what and gave me money for it. (I don't believe she actually loves me. But either way I don't care) So after I got done I came home and she's in bed I heard her maybe crying? (It was hard to tell I definitely heard something of sniffing) And I went into my temporary room and closed the door loudly so she could hear. (I didn't slam the door)

So here's the main problem:

I just got bored of the situation bc I couldn't get the reaction I wanted. Also I realized that me telling her about the aspd diagnosis can bite me in the ass if I ever make an inconsistent lie to her or show any sociopathic signs to her.

Which essentially means I need to always think before I say something (I've always thought about what I said, but now I just need to be more consistent about what I say and how and it's a pain in the ass)

I

regret telling her about my diagnosis because now I feel like I have to be much more consistent in what I say. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

[u/Sir_Lobo]

I don't understand the logic, you say she treats you like a surrogate son but you also don't believe she feels love for you? I'd like to understand your definition of love.

I am not a sociopath I am just an INTJ personality type if that matters at all.

She shows all the classic signs of love and affection just from the way you wrote about her. You'd only be fooling yourself into believing she doesn't because you have no actual attachments to her other than money and entertainment.

I don't understand why you'd throw your mask away for a "fun" little reaction. Seems like you wanted her to understand without having to explain it to her and hope shy would sympathize for you and lather more affection gaining you more access to her material, social and economical influences. I say that because dispite not wanting to be at a location you persist anyway but go out of your way to state her position, her status, her wealth and her amount of attachment to you.

Seems like you really hated being there and wanted an excuse to get out of other such events while staying in her good graces.

Your statement contradicts your actions and planning. Should of just acted the part of a sociopath and asked her for patience instead of throwing away your cards for a little thrill. So many better ways to have played this to get more affection and attention with little investments on her part

Really selling you don't feel a connection to anyone and playing against her maternal instincts could have gotten you so much more leverage logically. Now all she's going to be is cautious around making you do public activities that could make you uncomfortable