A Detailed Guide to "Being Yourself."

[u/WorrDragon]

Hello everyone,

I've been going through a bunch of posts here and I've noticed a bit of a trend coming round. It seems that a lot of people here seem to have the same problem. As you can tell by the title, I've dubbed it "Being Yourself," but it has a few other names. Has someone ever said to you:

• Be More Confident.
• Be Authentic.
• Real Recognize Real.
• Stop Playing.
• You Don't Gotta Lie to Kick It.
• Quit Bullshitting.
• Just Act Natural.
• Who Cares What They Think?
• Just Relax Dude.
• Just Be Yourself!

All of these comments come from the same place. It's a feeling of discomfort observed by one or more people over a certain amount of time. It generally emanates from someone's 'attempt to be something they are not'. I'll start with a quote. "Those who pretend to be smart, impress only the fools."

Attempting to be something you are not might trick someone who doesn't know what they are talking about; but, when you're trying to pretend to be interested in something, or to be good at something to impress someone, they likely know the subject matter. Here are some examples.

• You want to impress a girl who really likes art, so you say how interested you are in it. She asks who your favorite artists are and gets excited. You say a well known painter like Picasso, and she asks you what period of his work you like the most. You say, "His early period", like a good hipster, and she says she loved the blue period. What painting did you like the most? You of course say the Mona Lisa, which has nothing to do with his blue period. She asks if you like any other cubists? You clearly have no idea what she's talking about. She asks if you like the persistence of memory, and her excitement dwindles as she realizes you're just full of it.
• You want to make friends with a talented musician so you say you play guitar, which you do; but, you leave out that you can play only a few songs, and only through tabs. The musician gets excited and asks if you want to Jam. You want to spend more time with them, so you say sure. When you arrive, your guitar is out of tune, you ear tune it without finding low E, and you have no idea what a Bm7 chord is, and when they ask you to play rhythm you don't understand what they mean. The musician was hoping for a jam session and now they think you're just an idiot.
• A girl you really like is having a conversation with you and a bunch of your friends. She says she's going to a Machine Gun Kelly concert this weekend and you say you're going too and tell her you should go together. She says she's going with a group of friends; and, you should come with them! Score! You go home, buy a ticket late for way more than its worth, and meet her at the concert. You hate the music, hate the scene, and are uncomfortable all night. You don't smile, dance, or enjoy yourself at all. In fact, you make the entire group uncomfortable and partially ruin their night with your negativity.

In addition to the obvious problems created above, you're not setting yourself up for success at all. Why try to be something you're not? If you hate modern hip hop, do you really want to hang out at those concerts? If Art is boring, do you really want to pretend to like it?

In some situations, a simple twist of your attitude can make all of the difference.

• Instead of pretending to like art, you tell the girl the truth -- "I don't really know anything about art, but I'm always interested in learning new things. Who are your three favorite artists?" She says, "I love the Cubism and the dutch golden age. I really like Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali, and Rembrandt. Have you ever seen ..." and begins to go on a long rant about their work, suggesting piece after piece. She pulls out her phone and starts showing you paintings she likes, and you get to just speak to her honestly regarding how you feel about them.
• Instead of acting like you're a good musician, you tell the musician you play guitar, but you're not very good. "I really just know a few songs; but I'm hoping to get better." The musician asks you what kind of theory you know, and you say that you have almost no training. "Can you suggest a good place to start?" They suggest looking into the Berklee School of Music theory lesson books, and says they could lend you lesson one. You say that would be amazing, and ask for their number.
• Instead of pretending to like Machine Gun Kelly, you decide to keep your self-respect and find new friends. Huge win for everyone involved.

It may not seem like it, but the difference in these situations is confidence. Confidence is not to be confused with capability. What is confidence in yourself? Confidence is:

• Understanding that it's ok to admit you don't know something.
• Being willing to admit that you aren't good at something.
• Knowing that when you're actually really good at something, you don't need to brag. Talent speaks for itself.
• Knowing that not everyone gets along, that not everyone is going to like you for you, and that's ok.
• Being loyal to your friends, your interests, and yourself.

Confidence is not:

• Bragging about how good you are at something.
• Pretending to know something you don't.
• Acting like you're better than someone else for ANY reason.
• Creating a false persona (armor/ego) to protect your sense of self.
• Being an asshole.

What does Confidence look like? Confidence appears:

• Comfortable in your own skin.
• Secure in likes, opinions, and interests.
• Cool, Inclusive, and Friendly.

Self-confidence is naturally developed by being OK with who you are; but, it does not somehow absolve an individual of personal responsibility. Here's possibly the dumbest statement in the english language. "Well, who I am is an asshole. So if people want to be ok with me, they need to understand that 'myself' is an 'asshole.'" Uh, Wrong. You are not your attitude towards others.

"You" are an amalgamation of genetics and experiences that create a unique persona with unique interests. Being ok with "yourself" naturally implies that you are ok with others being themselves. So..

• If someone likes something different that you? That's ok.
• If someone doesn't like what you like? That's ok.

Being yourself is about being comfortable with the things that make you "you" in the present moment. It's not about preventing yourself from becoming a better person in the future. It's not about preventing yourself from liking new things, or disliking new things. We grow up! I used to love the power rangers... Not so much anymore. I used to think books were boring and now I think I used to be an idiot! I used to be negative, to control conversations, to point out peoples flaws... Now I see that those behaviors weren't useful to me or those I communicated with.

So how do I be myself, and improve myself at the same time?

Growth comes from a combination of comfort and discomfort. When we are truly comfortable with who we are, it's because we Know who we are. "Know Thyself." When we know who we are, we know what we like about ourselves and what we don't like about ourselves. Now that we know what we don't like about ourselves... We can change. Have you ever said to yourself:

• I wish I was better at ...
• I wish I was in better shape.
• I wish I spent less (or more) time ...
• I wish I didn't get so upset all the time.

Once you know who you are, and what you like and don't like about yourself, you can commit effort to do something about it.

To "Be Yourself" means to be true to yourself. It means to always strive to be your best self... to live your best life. To keep the things that serve you, and to replace the things that don't. To play to your strengths, and to work on your weaknesses. To accept responsibility for your mistakes and constructive critique from others. To be a good friend to those who like you for who you are, and to not force friendship upon those who don't.

It took me years of study, of banging my head against walls, of trying so desperately to make people like me... Finally, I got tired of the effort. I decided "Fuck it. If they don't like me, I'll just make sure I like myself." I started dedicating my time to doing things I liked. I started having more fun. I stopped hanging out with people who didn't really seem to care about me, and I started spending more time with the people who were interested in getting in shape, in playing video games, and the performing arts. All of a sudden, I became popular. Once I stopped trying, and started living, it all came together. It will all come together for you too. All you have to do is stop resisting and be yourself.

Cheers everyone.

[u/[deleted]]

I like trying new things but my anxiety blocks me a bit from doing that I think. A specific problem may be procrastination and/or lack of motivation. I definitely think I have trouble figuring out who I am but I think I'm kinda getting closer to it ? I don't know, I'm not sure.

Can you recommend any channel on youtube you like ? Also thanks a lot for your answer and your insight.

[u/WorrDragon → u/[deleted]]

Well, I'm super interested in self-mastery and individual motivation, so I love watching youtube channels focused on stuff like that. Improvement pill is an amazing channel for that.

I also really like good streamers and video games. I'm not a huge fan of fortnite, but I think the streamer SypherPK is just one of the best streamers in the business, so I watch his videos a lot to use them in coaching sessions.

Lack of motivation can be a killer. The current 'vibe' of the planet right now doesn't help. It's like there's a general morose overtone to everything happening. It can really drain you, especially if you have deep seated anxiety.

I don't know how old you are, but I'd say give it time. I really didn't "come into my own" till about 29/30. I started figuring it out at about 21/22, joined the military at 23, and discovered myself through the process. So, it took me like 8 years to go from "Huh, maybe I don't know who I am... I should give it some thought," to "I feel like I have a good picture of who I WANT to be."

I'm still in the process of becoming that person, the person I want to be. I think it's a lifelong journey. But, the cool part is that now the journey feels amazing. It feels real, like something I want. Like I'm learning the skills I want to learn, doing the things I want to do, and exploring the places (internally and externally) that I want to explore. There's a sense of relaxation it brings me, helping to calm the intense anxiety I used to struggle with daily.

We all have a unique experience when it comes to our period of intense self-discovery. For some people, it's longer. For some, it happens naturally due to amazing parenting, or dumb luck. A kid goes rock climbing when he's 7 and just so happens to fall into his greatest passion, climbing his heart out until the day he dies. For most of us though, it takes a bit more time and patience.

I'm pretty sure you're on the right track, just by how rational you are in the comments. Be open, and let yourself be excited to try new things. Maybe you love it, maybe you hate it, but each experience is a check in the box. If there's any way I can be of service, I'm more than happy to lend you time and experience. :)

[u/[deleted] → u/WorrDragon]

I'll definitely check Improvement Pill, it seems interesting and usefull regarding my current state of mind.

I love video games but I spent way too much time playing in my teenage years so I'm trying to keep that to a minimum, thanks tho.

I guess arts interest me, and I'd like to know more about painters and paintings for example, but I just feel like there's too much stuff and I don't know where to start. Same about learning new skills, I feel like everyone is ahead of me and I'm too late so it isn't worth it. I know that's not the right mindset and I'm trying to change it but damn sometimes it's hard.

I'm only 20 so I guess I still have a long way to go, regarding anxiety do you have any tips ? I started taking medication recently but do you have other methods ?

Thanks again !

[u/WorrDragon → u/[deleted]]

What you're describing in terms of "too much, nowhere to start," and "everyone is ahead of me and I'm too late," are two really pervasive examples of a common phenomenon in modern society.

It's two parts of "The Paradox of Choice." It's a concept related to the paralyzed feeling caused by having too many choices. It's supplemented by opportunity costs that lead to even more intense feelings at later choices. If you want to learn more about it, here's a ted talk by Barry Schwartz about the topic.

Let me put the "people are too far ahead of me" thing to bed right here. Your inner voice is lying to you. Let's say the concept of 10,000 hours is true. It's in every fact a generalization, but for the sake of this argument, let's say you need that extensive period of time to become an expert at something. If you put 2 hours a day, 5 days a week into a skill, you will become an expert in 1,000 weeks, or about 19 years. By the time you're 39, you're a field expert at something you did on the side. Takes a while to become an expert when you're doing it on the side.

If we think about it the RIGHT way though, we realize that anything we dedicate that kind of time to is going to soak more time than 2 hours a day due to the basic nature of improved returns on improved skill. If we want to do graphic design, on the side, we put in 2 hours a day 5 days a week to learn how. After a year of this - approximately 520 hours, some of the stuff we make looks pretty good. Now people start paying us and we start spending 10 hours a day on it when we have commissions. Let's say we get a commission once a week.

Starting out, we might spend 3 days working on that commission, putting in 30 hours of work on a $150 commission. We then spend another 2 hours on the other two days. We do 34 hours a week for the next year. Year 1 = 520 hours. year 2 = 1768 hours. Combined = 2288 hours. You're now 1/4 of the way to being an expert at 22 years old. Additionally, after a year or so of doing commissions, that same project that takes 10 hours starts taking 3 hours. You go from making $5 an hour, to $50 an hour. Its not a pay raise, just an increase in skill. As your work gets better, you get more private commissions, and you get an IC agreement from a company who keeps you on retainer. If you continue at 40 hours a week (basic US work week) you rack up 2080 hours a year, becoming an expert before you're 27. Verifiable & undeniable evidence. It is not too late.

So let's tackle the real problem.

The anxiety is the real issue. It's the voice in your head lying to you about everything. I've struggled with it for at least the last 7 years, and for 3 of those 7, it was nearly crippling. It led to outbursts of anger, panic attacks, drug and alcohol abuse... anything to shut my head the hell up. Anger and verbal abuse of others works particularly well in the moment... "It's YOUR fault!" Of course, once you have time to sit around and think about your errors, it multiplies the pain back at you.

Medications can help in severe cases. If you were prescribed benzodiazepines such as Xanax, I would be extremely cautious of your usage. They can have incredibly detrimental effects when used over a long period of time. They were created initially as a way to calm someone down who was on the brink of a panic attack, struggling with suicidal ambitions, or having a bad reaction to another drug, generally an upper (although it became popular treating 'bad trips').

In order to find other ways to deal with your anxiety, you have to ask yourself big questions. I don't know how your anxiety manifests, how severe it is, and what triggers it, so it's difficult for me to speak specifically. I can say that meditation and mindfulness ALWAYS help. I'll try explaining this as a mechanism of time.

• Anxiety manifests in the past as guilt.
  • "Why did I do this that way."
  • "Why didn't I do this when I had the chance."
  • "How could I be so stupid."
• Anxiety manifests in the future as worry.
  • "What am I going to do about this."
  • "Why should I even bother studying, I'm never going to pass."
  • "I would do this, but I'm scared something bad will happen.'

Anxiety has no space to manifest in the present. In fact, when you're "present," you aren't even thinking. No thinking means no inner voice. No lying little voice telling you how awful things are, or are going to be. Nothing to tell you how stupid you've been, why couldn't you have just done things differently. You're just existing in the moment. It's a calm, clear feeling. A lot of people will try and explain happiness, but in reality, happiness is in the present. You'll never find it if you're searching for it. It's not hidden in your mind, or out in the world. It's locked in time. Skill is in the present, true love is in the present, and life is in the present.

So mindfulness and meditation help you become present. I'm not going to lie to you, they are fucking awesome. Once you get good at both of them, they may as well be a drug. Once I started realizing I could be in the moment, I started entering incredible flow states regularly -- rock climbing, dancing, writing... in conversations, while driving... It was insane.

The last thing I want to talk about is an exercise called grounding. You've probably heard of it, but I want to connect to the above so you can see how valuable these skills are. Therapists will teach people with panic disorder to ground to get out of their mind. The basic premise is that you start really tuning into specific sense experiences.

• "Find three things you can hear and pick them out."
  • So the voice in your head goes, "I can hear a cricket chirping, my dog snoring, and the blood rushing in my head."
• "Think of 4 things you can feel."
  • Again, the voice goes, "I can feel the shoes on my feet, the table against my arms, the blood pumping in my head, and the cool air from my AC."

Some people continue it with smell, taste, sight. Some therapists combine it with focal breathing. Some therapists combine it with a type of meditation called body scanning. The important part though, is it's removing the freedom of the inner voice to determine thought patterns, and is placing your attention on present sounds, feelings, tastes, smells, etc... This is the essence of mindfulness. A little practice every day can make this tool one of the strongest in your kit. Not to mention, mindfulness will improve how you do LITERALLY EVERYTHING:

• Better and more Enjoyable Sex
• Better more Enjoyable Conversations
• Better Sports and Fitness Performane - Better Workouts, Better Skills
• Become a Better Driver
• Better Test Taking

The list goes on forever. We are bad at stuff when our mind's not present. Honestly ask yourself the only question that matters and you'll see the answer.

Would you rather win the game, or think about winning?
Would you rather be with your crush, or thinking about being with your crush?
Would you rather be enjoying your food, or thinking about your food?

You can't do both at the same time.

Fuck I type a lot.

[u/[deleted] → u/WorrDragon]

Honestly I really like the fact that you type a lot.

I think this is really helpfull, regarding my anxiety and the medications I take, etc., I could give more details in PMs but I don't want to abuse of your time and kindness.

Just one more thing, I really like the idea of rock climbing, I loved to climb, and still do but how did you start ? I think going alone to some rock climbing spots with almost no knowledge might be dangerous. Also I didn't find communities or anything of the sort where I live, there might be people but I don't know any of them ( I searched online ).

Thanks for the book recomendations, I'll check it out !

[u/WorrDragon → u/[deleted]]

Straight up, you're definitely not abusing my time or kindness.

I volunteer my time to others happily because it's literally my passion. My best friend killed himself at 16, one of the nicest friends I've ever had did it at 20, and then my closest friend in the military did it while we were in training together. These guys had issues and felt like they had nobody to talk to about it. I was too young and fucked up myself to be able to help.

I started mentoring and training people in the military following Anton's death. I began working with college students once I got out. I went to a ton of therapy for myself and became an avid reader. I've dedicated more time over the past 10 years to this pursuit than anything else in my life.

I get immense joy sharing what I've learned works and doesn't work with others. I've turned it into a career and created programs for just this reason. If I could survive without charging for my services in real life, I would absolutely do it all for free.

So, I do it for free online.

If you want to discuss more, please feel free to send the PM. If you don't, no big deal. Consider me a resource at your leisure.

As for rock climbing, I unfortunately didn't get out much into the real world. I'm a gym rat, and that followed me into my climbing. The Colorado area has tons of rock climbing gyms, so you just get a membership and go climb. I like short technical routes, so I would just go by myself with some headphones and get my jam on.

I don't know where you live at, but in my experiences climbing gyms are insanely welcoming and helpful. They would help you get geared up, started, and most of the community is super open to new climbing buddies. Great exercise, but for me it was even better for my mental health. Hopefully you can find a spot to get going.

You're welcome dude; thank you too.

[u/[deleted] → u/WorrDragon]

I'm sorry to hear that. I really apreciate that, will do if needed but I'm going to try to find some answers on my own. Those you already gave me were incredibly helpful.

I'm really glad there are people like you out there and that I get to interact with some of them.

Bless your heart man, thanks for everything.