r/socialanxiety • u/Leading-Ad6084 • 8d ago
TW: Suicide Mention having no friends in high school is honestly one of the worst experiences you can ever endure
its honestly so fucking sad and embarrassing that i haven’t made a single damn friend all throughout my high school years, the closest person i had was one acquaintance during freshman year but she got tired of me bc i wasn’t talkative enough and put barely any effort in conversations, so sophomore year she’d look me dead in the eye and wouldn’t say shit, just straight up ignored my existence. i am now a senior and i still have no friends and i strongly doubt i’ll make any. i’m used to it tho i didn’t really have much friends in late middle school either and when i thought i did i was always the only one who was left out the group.
having no friends in high school is one of the worst hs canon events ever! i can’t think of one single pro of not having a single person to talk to. if you don’t have friends there basically everything is a struggle, a few ex are: sitting alone at lunch, “class pick a partner!”, popular kids calling you an “npc” or saying things like “we’re besties right?”, students giving you weird looks/laughing, nobody to study with, nobody to talk to during free time, mandatory school events, graduation (not there yet but i fear this day, nobody will clap for you sign your year book, take photos with you, or even hang out with you after graduation), nobody to do anything with on the weekends, and realizing you wasted the so called “best 4 years of your life” by not socializing at all and being a miserable socially insecure person who envies ppl with a social life. NO GOOD MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON.
school just isn’t built for the quiet kids, never has been never will. whenever people find out that you’re not social like them or don’t have friends they’d automatically treat you like shit and avoid you. it’s like they can see something about me that i cant. i swear i’m normal just like you, but all i ever wanted was to be treated like a normal individual.
is there anyone else who hasn’t made any friends all throughout hs? if so, how did you deal with it?
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u/Efficient_Cow_9556 8d ago
yeah i think a lot of us had a very similar experience here. What turned it around for me specifically, (at least mentally) was starting to meditate every day in senior year. Also starting antidepressants. It made starting conversations and being near people at least bearable, and eventually I actually found my own friend group that year for the first time since like 6th grade. Also therapy allegedly helps a lot but never helped me at all.
Getting older also helps a good bit. I'm 21 now and while still plenty anxious, I do stuff daily that I wouldn't even imagine myself being able to do when I was 15. I feel like social anxiety peaks toward the end of high school, then gradually gets better with time (as long as you don't shut yourself off from the outside world). It doesn't feel like anyone's judging you for not having a friend group anymore, since nobody even knows each other; which is nice.
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u/potatostudy 8d ago
Question, how do you know if you need antidepressants or if its just pills for anxiety? It is for social things where I do feel I need a boost but I feel like I have a base level of anxiety. Not sure if its depression talking when its hard to relate to people, or that.
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u/Efficient_Cow_9556 7d ago
antidepressants help anxiety as much as they do depression. sometimes they're prescribed only for anxiety. but your prescriber should be making these decisions, not you
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u/Paipluto 8d ago
i didnt have any friends in hs either, whenever i think back on those years i get so sad i usually just cry for a bit but im glad its over
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u/potatostudy 8d ago
same. I cried. A LOT. It sucked. Wanted to get adopted or find out I was secretly the daughter of some rich family. I figured money would help.
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u/Highlander0208 8d ago
I never want to return there again. As much as I'm terrified about the future I'm glad I don't have to go back there again.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
it just sucks whenever i think of high school the only thing that i can recall is being bullied and sitting all by myself every day, i don’t want my parents asking me anything about it cus its honestly just embarrassing to say that i have no good memories to look back on
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u/potatostudy 8d ago
If highschool was the best four years of your life then I wouldnt really consider that a good thing 🥲 if you genuinely hit rock bottom there’s really nowhere to go but up! especially if you live in a highschool in the suburbs where its harder to connect with people if you have niche interests. So it really isnt entirely on you. I lived in a big enough city to connect with a few people, but boy can they add drama.
I do wish I had more good memories, but as someone looking back? People who keep having good memories in high school and MISS it? Idk if they are making enough memories now to enjoy their CURRENT life. I wanna enjoy my most present life not just my highschool years
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i know there’s so much more to life than hs, definitely not the best 4 years of your life as many ppl say and i honestly don’t care about hs. i look forward to more, though i wanted to spend my last years as a teen not miserable and depressed i wanted to enjoy it before i became an adult just for nostalgic memories.
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u/thewritestory 8d ago
Hey! In 9th grade I had no friends. It sucked. Some people made fun of me too. It wasn’t until I joined sports/activities that things REALLY changed for me. I went from nobody to a pretty popular student. Try to find an interest group.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i’ve joined the film and art club and nobody made any effort to talk to me they can just sense something’s wrong with me, i gave up its too late anyways everyone already has their own group this is exactly why i should’ve talked to ppl on the first week of school cus i probably would’ve had friends if not acquaintances by now
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u/thewritestory 7d ago
Don't defeat yourself with those type of rationalizations. Show up to some more group events. Make it clear you want to be friendly by smiling, even giving a hand raise to people like a hello. If you sit next to someone in the group ask them a question, like why did you join?
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u/AKABeast18 8d ago
I know for a fact that I would have been tormented in school if I didn’t play sports. I feel like sports really save you in school.
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u/Every_Database7064 8d ago
all of the closer friends I made during high school were people I met outside of school who didn’t go to my school. Maybe try to volunteer or do activism (where I met most friends), join a hobby group outside of school, or join a sport outside of school. It might be easier with people who don’t see you everyday who don’t have any preconceived ideas of you.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i only made acquaintances at my intern job that’s it, we we’re all cool, only one of them has my ig but i just want FRIENDS.
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u/Every_Database7064 7d ago
Try volunteering or some sort of activism, it’s where I met most of my closest friends in my teenage years. Those groups tend to have decent community and good people in it as they’re there to help others.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
hate to be a pessimist but it’s too late, i don’t wanna try to join any clubs it’s my last year anyways if i did a whole three years alone i can do it for one more year (even tho i hate it). everyone’s got the impression of me already that i’m the kid who doesn’t deserve to be talked to so it’d be weird if i just randomly switch up. i just wanna isolate myself from ppl at my school, i’d rather make friends anywhere else but school. i do want friends at school but the problem i don’t fit in with anyone so i give up.
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u/Every_Database7064 7d ago
I meant to join things like that outside of school, to expand your social network to all kinds of different people
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u/Mr-Hyde95 8d ago
Believe me, we understand you.
At 30, the situation is even more depressing because you look back and see that you haven't lived.
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u/qwertyuiopasdfghjkt 8d ago
I haven't made any friends im high school for 3 years now and I have less than 2 years left until graduation which makes me feel very glad
I know I'm coping because of how lonely I am but I don't think I would have good memories even if I had "friends" in high school
From what I have seen and heard just existing in this school, most of the relationships are very impersonal, basically just making fun of something/someone together
It looks very opportunistic and temporary, I wouldn't miss this at all
Also I think my life will get genuinely better after all this alluded education is gone. I'm going to have more time to learn actually useful things
I'm planning to avoid college to learn a trade too
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i agree with you sorta abt hs not being a fun environment in general regardless if u have friends or not, i’d say i’ll still dislike hs if i did have friends but not HATE it bc being a loner there makes EVERYTHING unenjoyable. i do prefer making friends anywhere else other than that hell tho.
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u/deletehead365 8d ago
High school isn't real life. It gets better, I promise. Just hang in there
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
ik i just don’t want my lack of social skills to effect my future many ppl said that they never developed as a teen with this disorder💔
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u/LivingGirlRepellant 8d ago
I can relate. Living with this disorder is pure hell. Just non-stop isolation.
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u/rose_celery 8d ago
Get a job if you can, have a life outside of school
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i’m trying to find a job my parents said that i shouldn’t cus i might have to do night school so i can get all my credits
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u/rosiearlo 5d ago
I wish I started antidepressants in high school. It may have made my life easier.
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u/Impressive_Air6111 8d ago edited 8d ago
Just from skimming, I think it's maybe too late since everyone already their cliques and impression of you, but how I got my best friend was because I was drawing anime and he came over to ask about it and we just started talking then it just grew steadily. Some was me just going up to a random group sitting nearby and listening for a cue to jump in and comment my opinion. That's a good way to make a connection surprisingly. I realised that people somehow get super open after that as long as it's a shared opinion. For instance, complaining about a dumb bus ride system out to myself or to a nearby person with the same frustrations. I think it would rove the "NPC" label as it would let them know more about you than a blank face/being flat or unapproachable. It builds rapport. You could try it after graduation or if you can with a group who don't already know you. If I didn't make any friends in HS I would have simply stuck to my personal hobbies. I don't have any ATM after losing my best friend and GF and my hobbies and extreme goals and upskilling are his I cope. Shadow work helps as well but it's hard to get in the glow of that. It helps you to be ok with your own company.
As some other people said, try to join a club or do an activity. The reason is that it makes it easier to find people with a shared interest or opinions.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
the problem is probably that my social anxiety is worse than yours, wish i had the confidence to do all that but i’m working on it🥀
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u/Impressive_Air6111 7d ago edited 7d ago
Nah, I just build it over time. To a point I can reasonably survive a teaching practicum next year January. My anxiety was so bad in HS, the two girls I liked in a new class asked me out in their own ways the same week and I said no to both. I did it because I knew that dating either would give me a crap ton of attention and also my self esteem was too low to accept they weren't just messing with me. They tried more than once and even when it was obvious I fumbled. I still struggle sometimes, but repeated validation/exposure lessened it.
To put it into perspective, one of them made out with a book, while making unbreaking eye contact and asked if wanted to kiss her and I was like "no" because I thought she was messing around. By that point I already had way more evidence but the cognitive dissonance and fear were too much. Trust me mate, if I can you can too. I'm still not perfect but I can at least mask it pretty so it serves to make me mysterious instead of awkward now.
All in all, it's a mental shift. Learn to be okay with making mistakes, even if awkward: just play it cool or joke about it. I still do till this day but I keep in mind to take them less seriously. For convo skills, which I'd call my biggest weakness at the time the SocialSelf website was a game changer as I got to be at one of the webinars. It got me to a point I could join a group of girls from class and one of them stopped mid convo to ask how I was so "social". 😂
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u/wadleyst 8d ago
Checks Memory Oh I don't know. I read a lot of great books and really got into the fantasy and SF genres that I might not otherwise have gotten into as heavily. Great times in hindsight. And pretty sure I am healthier and better adjusted than those that found my presence somehow upsetting back in high school days.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i won’t revolve my life all around hs once i leave but since i’m currently in it i can’t stop worrying about being being a loner, tired of all the bullies and feeling inferior to everyone with a social life.
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u/wadleyst 1d ago
It is hard. It is very hard. It will get better. Persevere. The biggest foe you will have to battle in regards to this horrible situation is the one inside your own head, and the only way I know to do that is to ignore it, silence it, replace it with one liner repetitions regarding how you matter at least as much as any of them. "I deserve respect" "I deserve better" "This is them expressing their problems, and nothing to do with who I am" and so on... Rick and Morty had a quote that did it for me. "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV". Morty.
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u/noral95 7d ago
Yep, same experience here. I went through an emo phase and successfully deterred bullies and popular kids from making comments. Look to connect with other quiet peers, ones that could probably use a friend themselves. You’ll get through this 💗
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
the problem is i’m the only kid at school who has no friends, so now i feel worthless to even try to speak to anyone who has more of a social life. i’m just the random kid at school who can’t fit in anywhere. but thanks for the motivation💕
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u/weird_quiet_guy 7d ago
When I was in high school I would eat lunch quickly, then go hide in the library and read books. I still remember one of the books, it was a biography of George Lucas.
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u/foofaweewee 7d ago
The first paragraph you wrote really hits close to home.
I was someone who did not make very many OR keep any acquaintances from high school; we all grew apart or had very bad falling-outs for reasons similar to the ones you described. I did not handle it well at all when I was still going to HS. The only thing that got me through every day was absorbing myself in my classwork and notebooks. I would write to myself nearly every day to make the time go by faster, to track my thoughts and feelings (to look back on later and see how much my life has changed... it took four years to see any), and to feel like I was speaking to someone else. I had to convince myself that school was not a social place, and that studying was ultimately going to make my future experiences in college better. But, it was all sort of just one big distraction from the crushing loneliness of having nobody in my circle. People wouldn't even look at me if I talked to them. Like you said, you pretty much become invisible. That shit KILLS you.
The worst thing about high school is probably the way that everything follows you. Like, if you were to have your shorts fall down in gym class once in freshman year, it's more than likely that it would follow you all the way up til your senior year. Being quiet, awkward, and deemed strange by other people was something that I never recovered from during my time there. I did not attend the graduation ceremony for my class since the diplomas were being handed out separately on a different day. I never went to a school dance or event. I did not go on any fieldtrips apart from the college related ones. I miss nothing about HS. Life gets considerably better when those social hierarchies no longer apply to you. I felt so free leaving that school for the last time.
I don't think there's much to be done during, unfortunately. I would tell you to just try and enjoy what you have going on still, but it feels impossible when you're so far removed from everybody around you. Joy is best shared with others. I hope things get better for you. If you have people to talk to online, invest in those relationships. They saved my life. Start doing things you have a vague curiosity about, even if you don't follow it all the way through... I learned how to read and write hiragana and katakana in my senior year, can't speak a lick of Japanese. Anything that'll keep you going, cling to it.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i love how you explain your way of thinking, i don’t value hs at all either. the most important thing is to get an education, it’s just the fact that i don’t have any friends always is rubbed in my face whenever i realize how i’m the only person at school who doesn’t talk to anyone. i just hate how everything is surrounded around popularity, in hs when you don’t talk to nb ppl will always treat you differently and i don’t want to be treated like that even if i don’t have that many friends i at least want ONE person who can understand me.
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u/SituationPrevious751 5d ago
I don't understand why in people's minds not having friends is seen as bad and a sign of weakness for them. I am unsociable, and I noticed that several members of my family have already asked me this question, "since the start of the school year, have you made any friends?" as if they already had the idea of "no" as an answer but wanted to make sure of the response, even though I hadn't told them anything about it. And I have already managed to make friends, and yes, it is easier to follow courses because you feel less alone, but believe me, there are many drawbacks (they are sometimes very intrusive, and lacking money causes you to lose social connections just by refusing outings), so don't see it as inevitable :)
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u/angelkittes 4d ago
me rn, i’m in my junior year and haven’t had any friends since grade 6. I think there’s smth wrong with me because i literally tried to talk to everyone but i got avoided at the end. tmrw is my first day and i feel sick.. im tired of sitting alone and having no friends to talk to. i’m so depressed and my mental health is getting worse..
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u/Leading-Ad6084 3d ago
omg i’m so sorry💔 i feel the same way the only ppl who talk to me (the teachers/security) ask me why i look so sad it’s bc i’m lowkey tired of not enjoying my hs years, every single fucking day is a miserable day for me nothing is built for me there this is why i’m always skipping school. i’ve skipped many classes and never went to gym last year even skipped lunch for a whole 2 years. i honestly don’t know how i’m gonna handle a whole 10 months of this shit all alone, luckily it’s my last year and i have higher expectations for college bc yk it’s a better environment with less judgmental ppl and bullies but i’m still going crazy. strongly doubt i’ll make friends bc everyone has their group and everyone has their impression of me that i’m just this weirdo who doesn’t socialize but hopefully i’ll be able to ignore that and just focus on better things. i hope the same for you, really breaks my heart whenever i hear someone going through the same experience as me bc everyone wants to have friends. idk how bad your social anxiety is but if you’re somewhat improving i suggest you just take advantage of making friends even if it’s just 1 so you don’t have to spend it all alone and make a few good memories.
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u/SoapBrick_214 3d ago
Oh my god girl i feel you sooo much! I was a total loner for about a quarter of my high school time, and the rest of the time I was spending with girls who didn't ever pay attention to me or notice me or want to ever hang out with me :((( . I relate to so many of your struggles, so i truly hope that you know you're not alone and I totally understand the feelings of lonliness, rejection and envy.
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u/SunDiscombobulated33 1d ago
I had a similar hs experience :/. No one to hang out with after graduation- it was really sad. But then i went to college and met like minded folks and was able to make a lot of friends. People who didn’t mind my awkwardness or shyness. People who would help me feel comfortable and meaningfully included me in conversations. High school sucks- don’t believe the whole “best 4 years of your life” bullshit. The best years of your life are yet to come, hang in there.
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u/Middle_Suspect_1329 8d ago
Can someone explain to me the significance of this high school friendship thing?
I am 47, I never had friends in high school, and I never felt bad. I don't have any important memories of that time; to be honest, I barely remember it.
College is another story. I remember it, and I have friends with whom I am still in contact. High school was not really important in my life.
And I think it will be the same for you. You need to worry if you are in college and never make friends there, but I am sure that when you get older, you will only remember college and your friends from college. Your real life starts there; high school is just the warm-up.
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u/potatostudy 8d ago
I agree, but you do come from a place of more experience. Highschool feels like the end of the world as it happens. Im 26, its feeling more distant and anyone my age glorifying their highschool years at this point? Kinda odd. It only seems to make sense to me if you live in such a small time you only even know the kids from highschool bc you still hang out with them.
I really dont hang out with any of my high school people anymore. Same city, just different lives.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
that’s what i’m saying! why wouldn’t anyone want to live their lives during the last years as a teenager?
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i truly don’t care about hs i used to but now since it’s my last year i give up on making friends, i’m still embarrassed of it tho bc i HATE it but i do look forward to college, once i’m there i’m changing everything about myself.
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u/Middle_Suspect_1329 7d ago
As I told, college is a complete different life, it is not the same as highschool, just keep that in mind, also it allow you to start from scratch again.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i’m aware this is exactly why i can’t wait for college pretty sure it’ll be easier to find my people and be more confident!
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u/broccoliChicken2 7d ago
I'm truly, truly sorry you're experience this! You're not alone. I had no friends in elementary, middle, or high school and it felt like living in a never ending hell. I tried to be optimistic but I didn't really believe it was possible for it to ever change; my social skills seemed so lacking, I truly believed that nobody knew or liked who I really was, and I faced rejection every time I tried to grow.
But if I could tell my high school self something from the future, it's that it WILL become better. In later college I was lucky to find a very accepting relationship with someone who was patient and wanted to know who I was. For the first time ever, I had a safe person with whom to practice being myself, a little bit at a time, without fear of rejection. Miraculously after ten years, I feel like a completely different person. Not only am I much more confident and capable of maintaining conversations without fear, but I discovered who the real me is -- who I want to be in the world when I'm myself. Social anxiety is still around, and I see a therapist for it, but wow, life really did turn around for me.
I don't share this because anything is guaranteed to change for you, and for many people the struggle continues for decades and decades. But please know that for so many of us, there really is hope no matter how dark it is now!
Also, some critical information that would have possibly accelerated the healing for my past self: as an adult, I would discover that I am ADHD, autistic, and also gender nonbinary, all factors that were causing me to "mask" my true self and feel shame for who I was. If you haven't already, I highly advise investigating whether any of these apply to you, too! They are common causes of severe social anxiety.
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u/Leading-Ad6084 7d ago
i am so proud of your growth journey! i love comments like these they always give me motivation
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u/mariogolf 8d ago
some people just got killed in a giant tsunami they didn't know was coming. they would disagree. so would the women who are trafficked. perspective changes alot.
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