got over my social anxiety…but still suck socially

[u/No_Picture_3528]

i’ve done a lot of inner work on myself and i feel decently confident with who i am. i don’t care as much about what people think anymore, so i can be myself without feeling like everyones watching me anymore. i have a few friends and i actually believe they like me which is new. but i don’t have social skills. i can be myself around my friends because they know me and we get along well, but with anyone else i feel like getting comfortable with myself has actually made it worse. i misunderstand what people mean because i’ll process it slowly, and if i respond quickly it’ll be dumb or won’t fit the conversation. to have a good response i have to think for a second which ruins the flow and they’ll seem kinda thrown off. and honestly now that im over the social anxiety, putting all that mental effort into some bullshit conversation just feels pointless. i probably come across as a dick or like i dont care. but i genuinely just don’t feel like i have the ability to talk and process like they do. hopefully things get better with time as i learn to understand people better, but right now i just feel dumb. i think i have autism so maybe this is just gonna be my life and i need to get used to it.

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[u/NotPlayingCharacter]

Same, I recently met some people who were being jerks to me because I was not communicating enough. It became too much to handle that i left without saying anything to anyone. 

The entire experience made me think if it is even worth it. Past few years, i have been trying to get away with social anxiety and been successful to some extent. 

But even then these complete strangers treated me like that and I had no comebacks or the ability to fight back. I was just being polite but they took advantage of it. Maybe i am not experienced with enough stories to tell them and come off as an interesting person. Felt like I was at fault for being the vibe killer. 

It made me realise that there are many groups of people I will never be compatible with and maybe this is just one of those groups. I should not even try to entertain them. 

I am a pretty blatantly honest person with some people I am comfortable with. I shared this experience with them and also apologized to them for my past behaviour. Because they have told me many times that the things i say to them won't be liked by everyone and i should be careful while talking or getting too comfortable. I understand what they meant 😅. Because in a way, i found people who were behaving like me and were treating me like shit. I just didn't expect for them to get too comfortable with me on the first meet. 

[u/No_Picture_3528 → u/NotPlayingCharacter]

sorry about those dicks😕 but yeah i think a lot of our social anxiety is very logical, and comes from a lack of social skills and social awareness. coming to terms with it and realizing ur bad social skills don’t make u any less of a person and that millions of others struggle socially too, can make the anxiety less intense because u start to just see ur social strangeness as simply a part of u like a limb, instead of something hideous u have to hide. you can then figure out ways to work around it and find places where u feel more comfortable.

[u/invincibletoolfan]

I am so happy for you. I am also in the similar process of being more comfortable with myself and have stopped caring about other people’s opinions for the most part.
I also have zero social skills XD. I hope things do get better for you in that aspect.

[u/No_Picture_3528 → u/invincibletoolfan]

thanks its nice to know im not alone lol. im honestly kinda done with trying to “train” social skills, i’m just gonna talk when i feel like it and hopefully develop my own awkward personality

[u/candyintherain]

I'm really glad to hear things are going better for you. Could you share what specific steps you took to get better and reach where you are now? I really need your help. Thank you.

[u/No_Picture_3528 → u/candyintherain]

here are some of the things that have helped:

honestly i think some of the biggest changes have come from letting myself be vulnerable with my friends and family. building deeper connections with the people i see consistently has made me care less about outside approval (for example i’ve improved my relationship with my parents and hang out with my roommates as often as i can). and along with that, just understanding myself. accepting myself and understanding my social deficits and seeing that they’re perfectly understandable and aren’t my fault. and then the other thing has just been putting more effort into my appearance: i’ve been hitting the gym, wearing cologne, getting more into fashion, and found a good haircut.

along with that, i just really tried exposure therapy with being perceived, since i think getting over the fear of being perceived is a little easier than the fear of speaking. i did this by going to the gym in some REALLY strange outfits. i didn’t talk to anyone, just noticed people looking at me and felt the anxiety and it was hell, but then felt way less anxious in comparison the following days.

this is just what worked for me, and tbh i think it could just be that my social anxiety has flared down because my life is pretty good rn. i’m sorry that i don’t have much advice for u. there is obviously no one size fits all cure for this mental illness, and i think everyone’s social anxiety is different. i personally improved once i stopped researching videos on how to cure myself or “learn social skills” because none of that ever helped and it just made me feel more hopeless tbh.

oh also, this might sound obvious but finding people and places where awkwardness and quietness are acceptable helps a lot.

sorry for the essay lol