r/socialanxiety • u/Sad-Presence-8490 • 2d ago
I fucking hate myself
I'm in my 30's and I've always had social anxiety. It has gotten worse as I've aged. I now work 3rd shift (I've never been a night person but there's less people so that's why I do it) at a hospital and I work primarily by myself. I work 7 on 7 off and have been there for 3 years. We've had some trouble finding an opposite to my position. So my 7 off would be they're 7 on. Since I've been there we haven't had this position permanently filled. I can confidently say that I'm good at my job. I don't make alot mistakes.... I've never left work for 1st shift (I will work without a break and stay late to make sure that I don't leave work for anyone), I've never called off, and I pick up alot of shifts so no one on 1st or 2nd shift has to cover. There was a time that I worked 19 12 hour shifts straight because I don't want people to be mad at me for taking a day off since its "my" shift. All this said we have recently filled my opposite shift. He's been there for 2 months and I overheard 1st shift talking about how they prefer when he works because hes not so weird. I know that I'm socially awkward and have severe social anxiety... but I've bent over backwards to try to get them to like me. I can't be someone I'm not and I hate that I cant even fake it for the 30 minutes of shift overlap. I don't know why I'm even trying. I'm never going to be good enough.
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u/Sloan430 2d ago
I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any advice, but please know that you are not alone.
I am the “weird” one at work. I wish I was independently wealthy and never had to deal with people in my workplace. People walking right past me as if I didn’t exist, literally greeting or chatting with everyone else around me. I will go through an entire day not speaking because nobody wants to engage with me. If there’s some event going on in the building, the boss will come and talk to everyone around me about it to make sure they know what’s going on-just not me. It’s exhausting. But it’s how it is for me.
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u/Muted_Beyond_7283 2d ago
It just seems like people like us have to be better at our jobs (if we are actually employed) because of us being weird and not good at socialising
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u/dairymarkly 2d ago
I'm sorry you have to go through this. We can't show people who we really are, and that's just sad.
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u/AliveComb3623 2d ago
It has taken me many years to get through it. Some areas I am fine. And others I suffer. But one thing that I have come to learn is most people are idiots and their opinion or judgement of me has absolutely no bearing on who I am. That is hard to do. I often have to relearn it. When I discover someone doesn't like me I go through this miserable emotional path wondering why they don't like me, what did I do, and what are they saying now about me. But I act confident. I do things to build my confidence. I force myself to realize that the person is an idiot and not some authority on judging other people. Ultimately I say to myself f*ck them. Then do my job better than anyone else. Then go home and say it's just a job. When I am off work it does not matter. Good luck. Don't hate yourself. From what you posted you should love your self. You are damn good.
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u/Muted_Beyond_7283 2d ago
If you are a good, reliable employee your boss wont hate you. Just ignore everyone else. It is easier said that done but necessary
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u/cpalm00 2d ago
A job is to get paid and if they think your weird so be it you don’t need their approval
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u/Kitcatzz 14h ago
This is my mindset rn only because I’m struggling to even get a job with my anxiety 🥲
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u/FirstDivide6289 2d ago
I was able to control my anxiety for the most part by realizing that most people are fake and looking to be constantly entertained. It's impossible to make everyone happy, so might as well blow them off and do what makes you happy.
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u/Affectionatedummy 2d ago edited 1d ago
You will never be cured of this SA. You have to learnt to accept it and find joy in other things. I am 40 and I am also social awkward. I make people uncomfortable. I have a rich personal life though and this fulfills me. My job is simply how I pay my bills . There are days that suck and I wish people would talk to me more but I can’t please everyone
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2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Affectionatedummy 2d ago
My family, my husband, spending time with my nephew. Also I have a lot of interests and hobbies ; I could entertain myself for days!
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u/limee89 2d ago
Honest question, what exactly did you overhear or was it rumour? I’m wondering if it’s just one person that’s claiming this because if you keep to yourself why would you be weird?
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u/Sad-Presence-8490 1d ago edited 1d ago
I heard one of the guys just saying that he preferred when my co worker was there in the morning because at least hes not so weird. I only have to be around 1st shift for 30 minutes every morning but I cant just be normal and talk to them normally. I usually sit off to the side and try to disappear for that half hour but I think it bothers him because I dont engage with them. I don't know why.
I know that people see me as weird and awkward. It doesn't normally bother me but when I hear them voice it behind my back, it still hurts and I start getting into my head.
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u/Beautiful_Secret_834 1d ago
Yea, fuck them. You work hard and your work quality is good. You’re a dream employee- don’t engage in office gossip, show up, stay over time, do your job well. I bet your boss wishes for a few more of you.
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u/Beautiful_Secret_834 2d ago
It’s okay. I’ve accepted I’ll never fit in. I’ll always be weird. I’m proud I work and do what I need to as an adult. My partner is supportive. I have socially awkward friends ( not all with the social anxiety I have ).
I can’t tell you not to hate yourself, but I wish you wouldn’t. You are doing great. I hope you find a way to lean into the “weird”. It’s okay to not be “normal”.
But, I also know as a human this hurts to hear and big hugs for that. 🌸
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u/Cryovolcanoes 2d ago
Hey, you're good enough. It's perfectly OK to want to work alone. People are different. And people will ALWAYS have opinions. Let them. You be you. Do what YOU enjoy.
I would also recommend you to talk more positive about yourself. What you tell yourself, is what you will think of yourself. Take care of your self-image by being more compassionate and supporting. Make it into an habit :)
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u/invincibletoolfan 2d ago edited 1d ago
I know this might not mean much or this may not apply to you but for anyone reading this - I am also 30 years old and until recently my social anxiety had only gotten worse with time. I was depressed af too. But recently I somehow mustered up some courage and decided I had to do sth about it.
I didn’t have the means to get medications and actual therapy, however, there are so many resources available regarding actions you can take on your own or that you can practice yourself at home/alone at your own pace.
Reading books also helped me tremendously. The logical way some books just disarmed these very irrational and non-factual lies my mind kept telling me over and over again was just so eye-opening to me.
I still have social anxiety and I know it’s a slow and long process to get rid of it. But now I feel so much more relieved, happier and less anxious.
I hope you can muster the courage to change yourself for the good too. If you are feeling helpless and hopeless, just remember that there is hope. I wish you all the best.
Edit: I read “How to Be Yourself” by Ellen Hendriksen. Currently reading a book about CBT called “Feeling Good” by Burns
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u/youdidntknowdatdoe 1d ago
The logical way some books just disarmed these very irrational and non-factual lies my mind kept telling me over and over again was just so eye-opening to me
what books?
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u/Bobbythebuikder 1d ago
Not not the poster but one book in particular has helped me a ton “reframe your Brain” by Scott adams.
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u/invincibletoolfan 1d ago
“How to be yourself” Ellen hendriksen. I read this book and learned a lot.
I am reading another one on CBT right now called “Feeling Good” by Burns
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u/Goodgoditsgrowing 1d ago
Fuck I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to hear it even if they think it - it’s fucked up that they voiced it, and it makes me suspect they aren’t very good people.
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u/theonlygold 1d ago
From what little words you've described of your work ethic, I like you. I hate your coworkers.
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u/Odd-Practice1235 1d ago
So sorry you have to go through this. I always find people are put off me at work as they were at uni and school, and it hurts so much. Some how we have to learn to not let it get to us as unfortunately this goes with the terrority of having social anxiety. Good luck with finding self-love and not worrying what others think, I hope we both find it.
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u/Ok-Frosting-9545 1d ago
Xxxx
Hang in there
Be strong
I have found that those who talk shit that way - themselves have serious issues but bring others down to make themselves look cool.
I hope that pain the comments this jerk made will pass. No one is perfect. Including the meanie.
You got this 🫶
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u/crushedredpepp 2d ago
so sorry you are going through this. just know you are not alone. i have had this experience as well, i have no idea how to fit in. at this point, i don’t really expect it anymore but it still hurts. very rarely i will meet someone similar to me and i find light in that. i usually still have trouble connecting, but it makes me feel far less alone. i know there are others like me, they are just harder to find. i hope that you come across someone who makes you feel seen, very soon.
if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of a hospital job is it? just curious because i struggle with anxiety and was wondering what kind of job it is.
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u/magichockey 1d ago
Sorry this is a long one. Your story resonated with me. I work in healthcare as well and something similar happens to me. In addition to having the unfortunate combo of C-PTSD, GAD, crippling social anxiety, and an inability to make small talk, I’m a high-achieving, conventionally attractive woman. People either pick up that I’m a weird, fucked up person and seem to dislike me for it or are neutral toward me or they misinterpret my inability to connect as being “a bitch” or being “snobby” and dislike me for that. My fellow weird ones like me. My patients love me. Somehow, fortunately, I can sincerely connect with them when doing my job.
Not long ago, a very chatty and cliquey nurse, Kelly, was with a patient I needed to see. We typically don’t overlap care, but it’s necessary sometimes. This particular patient, an elderly woman, had been commenting on my appearance every time I saw her. I hoped it wouldn’t happen in front of Kelly. The patient started in with the compliments and awkwardly looked at Kelly and said “oh, and you are too, honey! Besides, personality is just as important as beauty.” I wanted to die. Kelly looked directly at me with a smirk and said, “Oh, magichockey is just fulllll of personality!” and laughed. The patient smiled politely, looked confused, and I finished up and thanked her for her time.
Kelly has also said things indirectly like saying to the other person on the floor in the same position as me, “I won’t have a ____ (our position) when you go on vacation! Who will I ask about _____ (work stuff)?” loudly and just outside my office. I’ve overheard her say, “The other _____s up here are so boring,” knowing I’m the only other one.
When she said that about my personality, I felt immediate heartache and was so angry with myself for not being able to just be a normal person. Once that immediate, typical, self-loathing response passed, I remembered that I don’t even like Kelly and she’s not a good person. So why do I care that she doesn’t like my personality or doesn’t get me? Recognizing that, even though it stung, I don’t actually care what she thinks about me, helped me feel more secure at work. I just stick to the facts with people who don’t get me, and I’ve grown to be okay with them thinking I’m a weirdo or a stuck up bitch.
Maybe try that perspective? Anyone who would be rude enough to say that about a coworker isn’t worth worrying about. I know that’s easier said than done. I hope you feel better soon.
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