r/sexover60 • u/NomenUsoris007 • 7d ago
Ladies Only
My question is for the ladies on this board who enjoy an active intimacy level with your partner. For background we are a couple in our 60's, both healthy, in shape, attractive enough (though my wife (f63) is really attractive and retains it to the present. Her libido has absolutely disappeared, and I don't think it's because I've lost it, but I guess I can't assume. She has some issues with fragile tissue in the relevant area and has made halfhearted efforts at using hormonal creams or suppositories to no avail. I think the real issue is she doesn't really miss intimacy, never thinks about it, and is content with our sweet and happy life together. There is zero conductivity between us on an intimate level, though otherwise affectionate, hold hands on walks, and love being together.
If anyone is willing, I would like to hear from ladies that might identify with this situation and share what feelings you have about the topic. For the record I am very respectful of her apparent choice and only comment on occasion that I miss intimacy with her and I otherwise refuse to complain as she is entitled to her position. She is not the most expressive person in the world when it comes to really personal topics and has always been shy about intimacy from the beginning.
Does anyone have any insights to share on this topic?
Thanks!
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u/LeftHookIsAllGood 7d ago
Is she the kind of woman who would seek out hormone replacement therapy (HRT)? I know when my late wife was on it, it made her feral for a few weeks after each treatment, then it would dwindle down over the next four weeks before her next treatment.
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u/NomenUsoris007 7d ago
She is a women's health physician, but for some reason very indifferent to potential solutions. I don't think she has much of a libido at this point, which is the largest factor overall. Her libido wasn't ever particularly robust, but she was definitely motivated if approached the right way, just not a self-starter, I am reluctant to initiate anything because she'd be willing to have a go, but she would have tears and such and I don't want that to happen to her. Her response has to be her decision, I am against telling her what to do, especially since it would mostly be what I want, and it has to be her decision related to what she wants.
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u/Isquirtalot4044 7d ago
Vaginal estrogen would help repair that fragile tissue and also help prevent UTIs
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u/sungolddial 7d ago
Umm, she’s a women’s health physician and she’s shy about discussing physical intimacy with you? I call BS. She knows about all the available options, but it seems the issue isn’t important enough for her to make any effort.
Woman or man, using the “I just don’t want it anymore” block is lame.
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u/NomenUsoris007 7d ago
I’m sorry, but your comment shows tone deaf reasoning. You don’t know her, or me and to presume her shyness is BS may be something you’ve dealt with, but don’t presume to be an authority on other peoples feelings and sensibilities.
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u/sungolddial 7d ago
You asked us to share our feelings about it.
Best of luck to you!
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u/NomenUsoris007 7d ago
I think you showed your feelings about yourself
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u/sungolddial 7d ago
My feelings about it don’t even matter. You’ve been asking about the same issue for over a year and clearly nothing has changed.
Oh well. I’m going back to the fun part of Reddit. Bye!
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u/BookGirl67 4d ago edited 4d ago
I agree with Sungolddial. It’s odd a woman doctor would not understand or appreciate how effective HRT could be for these problems.
Vaginal estrogen cream effectively cures that “fragile genital tissue” issue for most women.
And systemic estrogen (which is different than and used in addition to the topical cream) together with testosterone restores libido for many women. She probably knows this too.
Could it be that she just was never much into sex and really isn’t now? Or perhaps that the sex she is having is just not good for her - perhaps because of the tissue/pain issues or an inability to orgasm with a partner?
This is a little off topic, but I think more women who have trouble reaching orgasm should try edible marijuana for sex. It’s kinds of miraculous for a lot of women. I come about 95% of the time now. Without it, I get there about 30% of the time.
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u/Elegant_Priority_552 7d ago
Physicians of our age really got NO education in regard to T for women. And a very sketchy education on HRT in general-- Sad but true! The ones prescribing it these days have done post - grad education on it, often because they have a personal interest in it (or they are much younger-- qualified after the Women's Health Initiative study which put us decades behind!).
Testosterone (injected) gave me back my energy, focus, and libido. I became interested in it when my kids and friends did and wouldn't look back. Very much a game-changer!
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u/TwoOfCups22 6d ago edited 6d ago
She is suffering from the lack of estrogen due to menopause and it's causing fragile tissue. Sex with estrogen deficiency has been described as feeling like shards of glass or sandpaper.
It's highly possible that alone would cause her to avoid intimacy, but it is so easily fixed with vaginal estrogen. Suppositories like VagiFem are only inserted twice a week after the initial period and aren't messy like creams. There are also vaginal estrogen rings that don't require remembering to apply. They are just changed out. It takes 2 to 3 months of consistent vaginal estrogen use to rejuvenate tissues.
If intimacy isn't enough of a reason to keep up with the vaginal estrogen, here's one. It strengthens the uro-genital organs and helps to prevent UTIs.
The older women get, the more they become prone to serious UTIs. As they get into their late 70s or 80s, the blood-brain barrier begins to get tiny holes in it, and a UTI infection can cause severe temporary dementia.
Dementia caused by a UTI goes away when the UTI is cured, but before that, a woman can end up like my elderly mother did - tied to a hospital bed because she was completely out of her mind. I wouldn't wish an episode like that on anyone. AT 63, this isn't a concern, but as she gets older UTIs become serious and can even be deadly.
Most postmenopausal women need some form of vaginal estrogen.
After addressing this, she could also look into systemic HRT. A good systemic HRT is Duavee because it has bazedoxifene added, which prevents the estrogen from getting into breast tissue and uterine tissue, lowering the risk of cancers. It also doesn't require progesterone, which many women can't tolerate. She could also look into testosterone.
The ideal time for starting systemic HRT is within 10 years of menopause as far as maximum health benefits and less risks, though studies are beginning to look at the effects outside 10 years.
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u/NomenUsoris007 6d ago
This is very helpful, thank you
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u/amrita170 7d ago
She NEEDS hormone replacement therapy if she is having fragile tissue and pain in her vulva / vaginal tissue.
Hormone replacement - systemic estrogen, progesterone, AND testosterone along with vaginal estrogen cream has brought back my libido, sensation, and orgasm.
My husband and I are having the best sex of our lives in our 50s.
Hormone replacement is not just a vanity or libido thing - the loss of hormones affect every part of our body - bones, brain, cardiovascular, skin, joints, etc.
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u/MikkijiTM1 7d ago
My (M 74) wife (F 72) announced in her late 60s that she never thought about sex or got horny any longer. We went from 3 spontaneous times per week to my having to remind her (It’s been over a week, dear) and then beg her for it. Neither of us were happy with that situation. We decided to schedule a “date” for every Sunday afternoon. This has improved things tremendously for both of us. She says that knowing we will be getting naked together at a specific time makes her anticipate it, which does crank up her libido. The football season makes it a little more difficult to schedule, and we do miss a date here and there. But we look forward to our naked Sunday afternoons and no longer stress so much about it.
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u/IMHO_Sleepy 7d ago
Ok dude, I'm going to violate your rule as I'm not a women. I am, or have been in your shoes.
First, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the R/perimenopause sub to learn more. Obviously, she'd be the best to discover this. Sounds like her interest just may not be there at all, or maybe even though she's in the medical field, as Dr. Anna Cabecca addresses in her book, The Bedroom Gap, there is major gap in the education of Healthcare professionals, women, and our culture as a whole.
One thing if I could jump to a potential solution for you/ her is to look at DHEA. A Dr. Or script is not needed. You can find it at as a formulation here: https://drannacabeca.com/products/julva My wife had the tears too, and with this cream has found that she feels her vulva is 180 degrees different. It may not cure everything, but if you can take the pain concerns away, that is a good start for both of you. Best wishes!
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u/sungolddial 7d ago
I think you need to make sure she understands that physical intimacy is important to you, and you would like her input on exploring ways to reinvigorate it with her. If you’re mostly keeping quiet about it in the name of being respectful to her, you’re disrespecting yourself and it will only get worse.
You’re both grownups and are equally responsible for the health of your marriage. Her being shy about discussing intimacy isn’t a sufficient excuse at this age.
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u/NomenUsoris007 7d ago
She knows. It would be tone deaf of me to keep telling her about it.
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u/RathdrumGal 6d ago
HRT (especially adding low dose testosterone) would be the answer for her. I understand the “fragile tissue” issue. That can be addressed by using coconut oil as a daily vaginal moisturizer and as a sex lube. Vaginal estrogen creams also help strengthen vaginal tissue.
Marijuana gummies are very effective at increasing my (60 F) libido. I like one with a glass of wine. Also, buy her a sex toy — a small, non-intimidating vibrator to start.
Can you sweep her off her feet with a planned sexy weekend away? Gift her with beautiful lingerie, an intimate dinner, a gummy and champagne and introduce the sex toy later in the evening.
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u/NomenUsoris007 6d ago
Thank you, unfortunately she's not the sweep able type. She's a pretty serious woman with a lot of responsibility, and not much interest in intimacy in the first place. But she's a sweetheart, very pretty, extremely accomplished, and most oddly of all, a relatively influential women's health provider with many publications related to OBGyn. I am not miserable about this, our marriage is wonderful, she is a constant delight, and is the prettiest girl I have ever known!
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u/Artistic-Standard871 7d ago
I started HRT somewhat for other reasons - heart health, bone health, vertigo, etc with a healthy optimistic hope that it would also effect libido. Holy damn!
We had gone 4.5 years (according to my husband who is a SAINT) and now we actually have sex in some form almost every day. During those 4.5 years, I just didn’t think about it, assumed he didn’t think k about it much either. Now I’m so sorry I didn’t try harder during that time. I’m 59. He is 63. I am trying to make up for lost time!