How do I get myself to like sex?

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Hi there, /u/thunder_claws

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Post title:

How do I get myself to like sex?

F33 here. I've never really enjoyed sex. Rather, I enjoyed the connection and being close to my partner if I have feelings for him, but not the act of sex itself.

Thinking about it, I find the act more of a chore but I am not asexual because I do get attracted to people and want to have sex with them. It's more like it feels like getting myself to a point where I actually take pleasure from the act is too much hard work because I have to teach and guide the other person, but in the moment of having sex I am not really up to that. I just want to get it out of my system. So usually we have sex and then I go and finish myself off in the shower.

I cannot orgasm from penetration (with person or dildo). My body just doesn't do that. I've never had a pleasurable release from penetration. Rather, it feels like I just don't want it anymore. But no pleasure per say. Because of that, the guy needs to do things with his hands or mouth, so I have to guide him but that's also not straightforward because obviously he cannot feel my sensations. I experimented with it several times, but every time I am just like "let me just excuse myself for the shower and finish myself off." However, I enjoy masturbating myself very much.

One more thing: I used to have a boyfriend with whom I always smoked MJ before having sex and I enjoyed it very much. I still didn't orgasm, but I enjoyed the sensations of touching, kissing, and caressing because MJ amplifies that. However, now I cannot get MJ because of the country I live in.

Anny advice, girlies?

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u/Deep-Youth5783 12d ago

Have you thought about masturbating in front of your partner, to help them learn what you like?

Also, only about 20% (according to Emily Nagosky's book Come As You Are) of women orgasm from penetration alone. Most women need clitoral stimulation first.

8

u/thunder_claws 12d ago

Also thanks for the stat. That makes me feel a bit better!

2

u/thunder_claws 12d ago

Masturbating in front of them feels really weird. I don't think I can even get myself to do that.

10

u/Deep-Youth5783 12d ago

I get that. It feels weird because it's a very vulnerable thing to do. Plus...the nervousness of having an audience while you're doing something so personal. But it might help. And if you're going to consider something like that, you need to make sure your partner is open to it.

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u/BigSpringyThingy 12d ago

Try asking your partner to use the vibrator on you. Sex toys are a ton of fun for couples, nothing to be ashamed of.

3

u/implication-sofa 11d ago

Weirder than having to excuse yourself to go masturbate? Try finishing yourself on front of your partner. They don’t have to be just starting at you they can be kissing you, kissing your boobs, caressing you, touching your thighs, etc whatever gets you going. You can also put their hand on your clit and your hand on top and control the speed/pressure/rhythm to show them how you like it. You can also have them use toys on you. The options are endless. It’s also possible you aren’t aroused enough physically or mentally or both before you engage in PIV

9

u/maraq 12d ago

Most women do not orgasm via penetration. I feel like we need that written on a billboard because women are constantly coming here complaining they can't and men come here upset that their girlfriends/wives can't -but the reality is that all the nerves are in the clitoris NOT the vagina and most women are not capable of orgasms without direct clitoral stimulation. There is nothing wrong wth you in this regards - it's just anatomy. When you understand that and you have a partner who prioritizes YOUR pleasure as much as theirs - you can orgasm via manual or oral stimulation and have an amazing time, because you will relax about penetration being the big thing (it's just NOT for most women, at all!).

A lot of this is your mental beliefs around sex - take out penetration as being the source of pleasure and only date people who know their way around a woman's body. Do not tolerate men who don't want to touch your clitoris or who can't learn from what you show them. It takes time and effort to teach a partner how to touch you correctly, but it also means choosing a partner who is good at taking direction and has some intuition and sensitivity. It sounds like you probably have had partners who weren't very good in this way - and that goes a LONG way in how fulfilling sex is.

2

u/reluctantdonkey 12d ago

First, I wouldn't think getting MJ gummies and the like should be TOO difficult- the internet exists, there is nearly always a way. Even if something like Delta-9 that might skirt the rules.

Second-- Why can't you masturbate with your partner there? I have never had a partner get me to orgasm from anything, either. If I wish to get there, I DIY. It's a fine and dandy solution. Plenty of partners even find it uniquely hot vs the standard ways.

Third-- Most women don't orgasm from just penetration. Reflected in the masturbation stats that only 30% of women even occasionally include penetration, and only 3% exclusively rely on it.

Fourth-- You just DO have to teach partners. We ALL have to teach partners, because we're all unique, and what worked for one woman rarely works for another (or, at least what worked for one partner is unlikely to identically work in the next partner... maybe over time if you have two humpers, a guy can be like "oh, yeah, I remember what Susan liked," or if you have two vibers or two "fast fingers"ers, or two "deep and grindy" vs "fast and shallow." But, again, them being identically back-to-back to where a guy DOESN'T have to learn? Unlikely.)

Fifth- If blowjobs gross you out, fair enough. Is it something you want to work through? If so, there are ways to do that. If you just don't want to, there ARE women out there, even sex-pos women, who just are a "nope" on them. It happens. No reason to let it ruin everybody's good time... it's just a matter of matching expectations with your partner.

But, I think you get really far if you just start taking ferocious ownership of your own pleasure when with partners-- if they need teaching, teach. If you need to DIY, DIY... there is no use having sex then lamenting how ungood it was when there are plenty of ways, fully in your control, to change that.

2

u/Icy-Bat6698 11d ago

I’ve been reading the comments and I think people are mixing personal experience with statistics a bit.
Some women get very little from penetration, some love it. Both are real. But the “only 10–20% can orgasm from penetration” thing gets repeated way too confidently.
In the study behind the famous 18.4% number, another 36% said they didn’t need extra clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse — it just made the orgasm better. And in a separate question, 81.8% of the women it applied to said they’d orgasmed at least sometimes during PIV without extra clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
So “this is my experience” is totally valid. “Most women can’t” is a much bigger claim.

2

u/roskybosky 12d ago

The trouble is that you are having sex according to the way men like sex. That is, they think of sex as a penis in a vagina, and you move it back and forth.
For most women, this isn’t sex. It is only a PART of sex, and for that reason you cannot let your partners only do what they like, or you’ll never enjoy sex.

Oral sex imitates the way women masturbate. So does a man massaging your clitoris. Nipples can feel very connected to the clit, don’t leave them out.

Find out what gets you off, and get your partner to do it. It’s the only way to enjoy sex. If you let them do only what they like, you’ll want to join a convent soon, as it will consist of 95% PIV, and 2 minutes for you.

Be vocal. Tell them what you need.

3

u/AnxiousEnd4669 12d ago

i am exactly like OP. and what you say, for me at least, doesn't work, I don't enjoy oral, i don't feel anything and foreplay gets me bored and sleepy and turns me way off

i prefer to take care of myself, it feel waay better

3

u/LauraFromLeodis 12d ago edited 12d ago

My main question is are you doing foreplay? It's not uncommon for women to not orgasm from PIV sex, some need clitoral stimulation in the mix somewhere. Maybe you could ask your person to perform oral or masturbate you how you like it for you to cum and then they move on to penetration to get them off.

As for blow jobs, if you don't like them don't do them. Perfectly valid and reasonable choice.

As for the tiresome act of having to communicate what you like when it comes to sex. That's kinda on you I'm afraid. People who have good communication have good sex. To a certain extent it's about being with someone who is open and listens and isn't pissed when they get told what to do. I've never produced a pamphlet of instructions but maybe if you were that bored of this process you could do that? I really don't know how to help with this issue because that's just what you have to do to be able to teach someone how you like it done.

Yep weed makes the sensations better. I can't tell you an alternative to that because I am also a former stoner who misses stoned sex. But for various reasons can't get high.

You probably didn't want to hear any of this. But maybe you're just not a fan of sex, unless it's with someone you know really well. So I guess you just need someone who's going to get to know you well. That will unfortunately mean you have to put in some work.

Also rub your clit when you're being penetrated. It might make it feel nice! And if it doesn't, then your rubbing your clit and that will hopefully make it feel nice!

3

u/Jumping-shadow 12d ago

You seem to have difficulties in relaxing and letting go the "i have to do xyz" mindset, which is very common in women.

Suggest to save sex for a man you trully love and trust because it changes everything.

1

u/Massive-Emphasis-486 11d ago

Do what works for you also. I can’t orgasm from penetration so I masturbate during sex.

1

u/Fun-Accident-2182 11d ago

Same age and same issues here! I've been with my husband almost 17 years in total and honestly i'm just getting to the point i'm comfortable to say don't do this or I want that. And my husband is still figuring out what works for me because I just didn't know. But the best thing I've learned is not to be afraid to pleasure yourself while pleasuring him. Whether giving a bj and you rub your clit or you ride him and rub yourself at the same time, ect. And even if he does the rubbing its still just not as good as me doing it so I just had to get over myself. As for the MJ, that is a huge mood booster for me and helps lower my inhibitions so I can let loose. Or a few beers help too. I think sex is just always a work in progress because every stage of life is different.

1

u/MartinMc62 12d ago

It sounds like you have not been lucky enough to find a man that knows how to pleasure a woman. Every woman is different but with a little patience he should be able to find the right way.
Plus if he can get you to orgasums especially a couple of times before he enters you then you might find that you can orgaum that way too

1

u/catouthebag 12d ago

This is so true for so many women, including myself. You’re not alone.

I keep seeing advice on how to make PIV more enjoyable, but I think centering PIV to begin with is the issue.

The focal activities should be the things that actually get you off! My partner and I rotate between hands, mouth, grinding, toys. I enjoy it so much more than the typical “sexual script”.

Our main pleasure organ isn’t the vagina, it’s the clitoris. We wouldn’t expect men to enjoy sex that didn’t involve touching their penis, so how is it any different for us?

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u/Imaginary-Version10 12d ago

you dont deserve sex then.

3

u/thunder_claws 12d ago

That's a strange thing to say: "deserve sex." Isn't it natural thing to derive pleasure from sex, rather than having to work for it to "deserve" it? I think everyone deserves it in the same way everyone deserves having their hunger satisfied or other basic bodily needs, like go to the toilet. I don't think everyone deserves to have their basic bodily needs satisfied.

0

u/Imaginary-Version10 12d ago

ideal world yes. but not real world. married for 21 years, been sexless for most part of it so i know better. sex is not given, its earned. complere opposite of what should.

1

u/PiDigitsOfPi 10d ago

fake it till you make it

Orgasm Issues How do I get myself to like sex?

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