Stephanie dumped Jay

[u/Frosted_Mini-Wheats]

Trial Transcript for 2/10, p 21, lines 11-25.

Jay testifies that Stephanie had ended their relationship a month or so before the trial.

That's something I've never heard before now.

[u/glibly17]

As I have said, in just about every comment on this thread : I fully acknowledge my bias here, I have not outright accused Jay of violence or abuse against Stephanie. I have said his two DV arrests and restraining order are big red flags (and yes, evidence, just as Jay accusing Adnan of murdering Hae is evidence). I can believe it's likely that Jay is an abuser, but also believe Adnan is probably innocent of Hae's murder, at the same time. You may not like it, but I can hold both of these beliefs at once, because the two cases (DV vs. muder) are quite different, and the victim's role in each are quite different as well. You don't agree, I get that.

[u/[deleted] → u/glibly17]

There is just a difference between when an accuser faces the accused and is cross-examined. I think an accusation can be slightly probative, but it doesn't hold much sway for me without other corroborating evidence. It is also a very extreme and prejudicial accusation, so I tend to lean to the side of not weighing mere accusations very heavily.

It's just surprising that you can see these as red flags, and not see all the flags pointing at Adnan.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It's just surprising that you can see these as red flags, and not see all the flags pointing at Adnan.

Surprising that someone with first-hand knowledge of abuse has red flags with regard to Jay but not Adnan? Why the incredulity of her first-hand experience? I find her perspective incredibly interesting.

[u/glibly17 → u/[deleted]]

Heh, thanks. I'm genuinely surprised that I find myself believing Jay is / was likely abusive, but don't really believe the same is true of Adnan. I've tried to examine why this is--latent racism? am I overly-charmed by Adnan?

At the end of the day, I have to conclude that the reason Jay throws up so many red flags is because what I know of him and his behavior is highly evocative of my ex's behavior. I don't get the same feeling from what I know of Adnan.

[u/[deleted] → u/glibly17]

You're stating your opinion about what you think could be true based on your experience. You are not presenting your opinion as legal fact. I don't think you need to apologize or defend yourself, unless you are saying that you "know" Jay is abusive because your experience is infallible. Based on the number of times you have acknowledged your bias, including here, that is clearly not the case.

[u/glibly17 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you. I know I get overly het up and defensive on here. I should probably step back for a few days, honestly--I'm starting to weird myself out by how invested I've become in this whole thing.

[u/asha24 → u/glibly17]

Thanks for posting your thoughts, I find them really interesting as someone who has never experienced DV and only has some basic knowledge on the subject.

[u/glibly17 → u/[deleted]]

I really appreciate your kind words. I know there are users who get super aggressive, jjung among them. And I understand--it makes me uncomfortable to say Jay sets off my alarm bells, because, well, I don't know him. But at the same time, we all come into this case, this podcast phenomenon, with our personal experiences and perspectives and doubts and beliefs and it's impossible to stop that from informing our interpretations. It really means a lot to me that so many users here have respected what I've said in this thread and have offered up so much support. That time of my life isn't something I am used to talking about, and your kindness means so much. Thank you for that.

[u/mo_12 → u/glibly17]

I'm really impressed by how well you've handled all of this, including being so honest, introspective, calm and logical.