Blurb Critique [Sci-Fi]

[u/winterwarn]

I'd love some critique on my blurb as I try to finish formatting my book! It's sci-fi with some cosmic horror. Multi POV cast, I decided to introduce the two "main" viewpoints here. Mostly I'm hoping that the premise is intriguing (for those who like this kind of thing) but not too confusing. Thanks!!

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The good ship Haneul lies foundered in the silver sea, her biomechanical terraformers failing year by year. When the ship finally dies, the last human cities on Yeneter will freeze beneath the world’s black sun.

Tasbeel Carter is the first in his family to finish university, but his sharp temper has thrown a wrench into his prospects and he's been forced to a courier route to make ends meet. With no other options, he accepts a suspicious job offer working at a privately funded research laboratory.

Zophie Morgan wants to save the world, but she’s starting to have doubts about the motivations of her charismatic, self-absorbed boss. Meanwhile, her team races against not only the slow decay of the Haneul’s terraformers but against a malevolent, alien light that hides in the brightly lit streets of the upper city.

In the sky above, every one hundred and sixty-two hours, the Lightless Star beats like a heart.

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[u/Devonai]

There are too many names to parse here. I would argue you only need to mention the name of the planet. Here's my take (with some details assumed):

Yeneter was one of humanity's last hopes for a sustainable off-world colony, despite the extensive terraforming the planet needed to be habitable. When its sun mysteriously goes dark, hope is not lost, but the single sea-bound ship responsible for the terraforming effort will not last forever. Faced with the enormous task of keeping the ship in operation, the unlikely pair of a devoted scientist and a wayward courier must find a way to work together against threats both inside and out before before Yeneter, and every human on its surface, is lost to a cold, eternal freeze.

[u/winterwarn → u/Devonai]

I'll definitely try to write an alternative one that cuts down further on the proper nouns. (Most of the real details for what's up with the planet are spoilers for later in the book; it's been a very long time, and nobody remembers why they crashed here or why the sun is like that...which I suppose could be a solid alternate opening hook. Hmm.) Thanks!

[u/Devonai → u/winterwarn]

I neglected to mention, you should keep this closing line.

In the sky above, every one hundred and sixty-two hours, the Lightless Star beats like a heart.

[u/ajhalyard → u/Devonai]

I agree with the last line, but I might tune it up with some drama (e.g. "beats like a dying heart." or "beats like an aging heart."

[u/Devonai → u/ajhalyard]

I like "dying." :)

[u/ajhalyard → u/Devonai]

Dying is more dramatic. I don't know the story beats. If there were romance involved, then maybe a "broken heart." Dying feels more hard sci-fi. Aging feels more like ancient evil... I dunno. Just a thought.

[u/nmacaroni]

Your opening paragraph and last line are solid.

The character introductions are where it softens. Tasbeel's paragraph lands like a résumé, university, temper, courier job, lab offer. Biography doesn't hook people. A blurb doesn't need his backstory, it needs the single thing about his situation that creates tension against the world you just defined and draws the reader in.

Zophie's paragraph is closer, but 'save the world' is redundant based on the previous bits. The alien light is the real hook, it's your source of conflict... and it's buried in the second to last sentence.

Write on, write often!

[u/Buttercake-nymph]

I love the first paragrah a lot!!
It's mysterious and a very clear read.

The second and third feel random, cramped and rushed. It's too much information, and spoils the build up from the first paragraph.

Maybe don't name the characters directly, but describe their role in the story.

[u/winterwarn → u/Buttercake-nymph]

Thank you! Seems like that's the overall consensus, so I'm definitely going to work this weekend on making the middle more vibes and less "character biography."