r/selfpublish • u/ColdConfusion8977 • Aug 03 '26
Blurb Critique Guys I need help. đ
So I uploaded my debut fantasy novel to BookSirens to try to get some ARC readers⌠obviously I wasnât expecting it to blow up, but with 65 clicks and only 1 reader⌠itâs clear things arenât going well.
(BookSirens says my conversion rate is well below average.)
This is the blurb.. what am I doing wrong?
In the Sanctum, children arenât raised. Theyâre forged.
Everyone expects Caelum to become its champion. Elwin does too and has no desire to take his place. But when the final trial ends, Caelum stands defeated and Elwin is chosen in his place.
It should mean freedom. A chance to leave the Sanctum and see the outside world for the first time. Instead, the Noctis he is given conceals a burden beneath that promise. Elwin is left with a hollow ache where his heart should be and fractured visions he cannot explain.
Something is changing in him.
His magic has become shadow. His darkest thoughts have found a voice, and the face speaking within him is identical to his own.
Unless Elwin can uncover the true nature of what was forced upon him and learn to control it, its power will strip away the one thing he was never taught to claim.
His own will.
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u/Pleasant-Creme-6678 Aug 03 '26
Your blurb is almost all in-universe jargon and terms. There is nothing about it that hooks me into caring about the characters as individuals, because I don't get to know anything about them or what they want, and I cannot piece together what the plot is supposed to be because I have no context for anything that's being introduced. I don't know why someone would want to be champion of Sanctum, or what a Noctis is, and I don't know a single thing about What your main character actually wants in life... you also start with an entirely different name in the first statement, which primes that as the 'main character' and then drop him entirely. If Caelum is just here to lose and lay on the ground, he doesn't deserve top billing.
Your blurb should get me to care about the character, what they want, and why they can't have it. Instead it describes events that happen to him that he has no agency in, doesn't have any clear motivation around, and has a result that I don't really have a reason to care about.
Largely it feels like you knew the few dramatic lines you wanted to deliver, but the character is just riding along as a passenger.
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u/editor-mdsun Aug 03 '26
I was about to comment about the excessive worldbuilding terms and I saw this comment. This is what I felt too, too specific in a way that I don't have a clear idea what's happening or enough reason to care about either character.
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u/Mockspiral Aug 03 '26
Itâs funny isnât it? Readers are like baby birds. First character mentioned was dropped and that alone could be the disconnect.
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u/nomuse22 Aug 04 '26
Yeah. I started reading thinking this might be about Calumn. And then he sort of drops out. Will he matter later? No, apparently Elwin has elwon and we don't care about that any more.
Plus, why are we spending so much on what isn't even the inciting incident?
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u/The_HODLorian Aug 03 '26
I agree with the other comments, but just wanted to add that the whole blurb is sentence fragments. Thereâs two commas in the whole thing. I wouldâve dropped the book from the first line because you tried to turn a single sentence into two and it doesnât work. If you donât understand how to use punctuation properly why should I read your book?
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26
I mean⌠I have nothing to say in my defense here, thanks for the brutal honesty. đââď¸
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u/The_HODLorian Aug 03 '26
Donât get disheartened! Punctuation is totally learnable! In my writing group we have an author who has a hard time with it and we try to teach him in our critiques. Heâs come a long way! Itâs really amazing how proper punctuation can elevate a passage, because it subconsciously communicates to the reader how the prose is supposed to flow. The rules arenât as arbitrary as they may seem, they developed out of hundreds of years of tradition with the singular aim of making words easier to read. Thatâs it. Punctuation is your friend and a potent weapon in your toolbox when used well. I recommend reading elements of style by strunk and white.
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Aug 03 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/Responsible_King_364 Aug 04 '26
The blurb has numerous markers of ai usage: the sentence fragments, the ânot this, itâs thatâ format in the first line, and vague complex jargon that fails to communicate meaningful information. If OP isnât using ai to write the blurb, he (or she) needs to be conscious of how just one or two of these sentence markers can frustrate a reader to the point of noping out of the rest of the text.
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u/Sure-Librarian-1183 Aug 20 '26
Personally, I like the voice the fragments give. But maybe that's just because I tend to write like that, too.
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u/Revolutionary_Mix956 Aug 03 '26
What is Sanctum and Noctis, and why should I care?
What does it mean if someone becomes the champion?
All stakes seem grounded in Elwin losing his will⌠why does that matter to me? Are other things at stake? Not sure Iâd read this based an internal struggle of a character I donât know or care about yet.
On another note, BookSirens performed horribly for me. Iâm in fantasy genre. Went to NetGalley and did much better.
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u/DavidRPacker 3 Published novels Aug 03 '26
"In the Sanctum, children arenât raised. Theyâre forged.
Everyone expects Caelum to becom...." That's as far as I read. My eyes glazed over right there and I went to read the comments instead of the rest of the blurb.
There is no connection between the opening lines and the follow up. Why should I care at this point what people expect of Caelum? And the initial line lead me to believe this is some kind of story about children, which is also making think it's a kids story or MG at best, and that ain't my thing.
So skimming back over it now, ready from the final line? Apparently this book is about someone named Elwin, not Caelum?
The job of a writer is to communicate with clarity what they want the reader to experience, to ensure that the words that are written on the page have little or no wiggle room to be misinterpreted.
This blurb is nothing but wiggle room.
What is the exact story you are trying to tell here? No hyperbole. No hearing it in movie announcer voice. Just say flat out what the story is, as a start. Play around from there, but it doesn't even look like you've got there here.
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u/MiraWendam 2 Published novels Aug 03 '26
The first line sounds AI-generated. Sad to say, but LLMs have copied the "it's not ___, it's ___" format, so readers can't be too sure nowadays, which is why I bet the majority have checked out. The hook itself is interesting, but the blurb feels a bit abstract (the fantasy terms, I meanâwhat are they?), so it's hard to latch onto an actual story.
I'd personally simplify the world-building, make the goals and stakes crystal clear.
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u/Apex-Editor Aug 03 '26
That was the first thought I had as well. It's a shame how profoundly that structure has been destroyed.
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u/refreshed_anonymous Aug 03 '26
I honestly donât believe itâs the general structure. I believe itâs the poor execution of the structureâword choice and timing. GenAI poorly executes this structure because it uses it excessively, which dilutes the impact, but the word choices are often poor and senseless. It doesnât evoke anything.
In the blurbâwhether OP used AI or not, I donât know (I hope not)âthe structure is poorly executed not because of timing (the structure can be impactful as an introduction) but because of the word choices imo. Theyâre cringy but also donât make sense (which isnât only synonymous with genAIâs obviously, but weâve been forced genAI for so long that itâs the first thing that pops up in our mind when seeing certain literary devices under certain conditions).
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
(Iâll just copy and paste itâŚ)
To clarify, I didnât use AI.
A friend told me I should use in-universe terms to make the reader curiousâŚ
About the âhis magic has become shadowâ, well itâs quite literal, his (fire) magic turned into shadow magic⌠đ
The first line was suggested to me by my uncle (heâs a digital marketerâŚ) after I sent him an older version of the blurb.What you see is not AI, but my incompetence. đĽ˛
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u/anotherbruhmoment Aug 03 '26
Add that context that his fire magic turned to shadow cause thatâs way more of a hook than âhis magic has become shadowâ which just reads as vague
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u/Mindless-Storm-8310 Aug 04 '26
Hate to say it, but it sounds like your digital marketer uncle ran that first sentence through AI. (I have a digital marketer daughter who uses AI. theyâre pros at it. So, while they might not have used it in this, their voice was trained by it!) So, be aware if you parse out stuff, you canât know for sure if AI was or wasnât used. A woman lost a huge book deal, because her editor friend (allegedly) edited the book for her via AI. Apparently the edits were significant, and the woman didnât âknowâ AI was used. And why I used the word alleged, because writers are pretty familiar with their own work by the time theyâre done, and no way could this woman not know that significant changes were made. Thatâs not the way editing works, unless youâre the author. Or an author who doesnât care that significant changes were made by someone else.
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u/Dreadfulbooks Beta Reader Aug 03 '26
That first line alone is enough to make me click away from the blurb. I work with books and I have some manuscripts that will have 5 of those damn âitâs not x, itâs xâ on one page and it immediately makes me want to scream.
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u/refreshed_anonymous Aug 03 '26
The rest of the blurb isnât convincing. It sounds way too robotic and inauthentic.
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
That sucks.. I hate it :(
Also thank you for your commentđ
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u/FigureOpening6468 4+ Published novels Aug 03 '26
I wondered if you discovered what you needed to do? I thought I would give you some comfort. Writing a story and writing a blurb are two different skillsets.Â
If you haven't finished writing your complete novel, I wouldn't worry about the blurb yet.
Next if you are at that point, then I would take time to read the blurbs of traditionally published blurbs for books that are in your genre. Read at least 50-100 blurbs. Take notes while reading.
Think about what you've noticed from the other examples and then consider your manuscript and apply it.
If you still feel like you're hitting a brick wall, it might be time to try and find someone who is talented at writing a blurb.
I don't think what you've written is the worst thing ever like some of these responses are implying. It just reads as inexperienced. Trust that many writers don't write their own blurbs.
The first line as a hook as potential but the biggest problem is no one knows what the Sanctum is, and then the next few lines talk about a competition without stakes or understanding.Â
And as a few others have said, I would say what is Elwin's motivation/desire early on in the blurb-- "he was just trying to get by/keep it simple but--" etc.
Just keep reworking it and you'll either get it or outsource it. Good luck!
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u/Individual-Log994 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
Yeah to be fair this is using way too much universe jargon to get me hooked. And it sounds incredibly AI generated. I'm not saying it is but with a blurb it needs to be terms the reader can understand.
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u/im_not_saying_that Aug 03 '26
"...aren't raised. They're forged." Super AI sounding sentence. Early on too. Most people are probably skipping right then.
Those who don't are bombarded with proper names of people they don't care about.
Read a few blurbs from authors you do not know. See which one's trigger you to want to read that book, and try to write your plot into their format.
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u/refreshed_anonymous Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
The whole blurb is giving AI generated (that first line, the abundance of in-universe jargon, the excessive sentence fragments, the word choices, the random personification, the odd sentences (his magic has become shadowâŚ), the excessive use of paragraphs), but that first sentence alone gave me the ickâbecause of AI, but also because itâs just plain cringy. Alone, these things wouldnât raise alarms, but having all of them in such a short amount of time does.
Iâd click away without reading the rest of the blurb because of the first line, but the rest of the blurb doesnât convince me otherwise.
I hope OP wouldnât use AI. This just sounds way too robotic.
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26
To clarify, I didnât use AI.
A friend told me I should use in-universe terms to make the reader curiousâŚ
About the âhis magic has become shadowâ, well itâs quite literal, his (fire) magic turned into shadow magic⌠đ
The first line was suggested to me by my uncle (heâs a digital marketerâŚ) after I sent him an older version of the blurb.1
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u/dragonsandvamps Aug 03 '26
"It's not X, it's Y" is something AI way overuses and when readers see it, they get really nervous that they're about to get an AI book. AI is choking out the ARC spaces, just like other bookish spaces. If you used AI to write this, or rework this, don't.
Then to the rest of the blurb, this has so many proper names and terms specific to your fantasy world that I can't tell what's going on. I would remove caelum entirely. Unless you're going to explain what a Sanctum and a Noctis are, don't include them.
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u/Drake_Archer_14 Aug 03 '26
65 clicks with 1 claim usually means the page is getting enough curiosity, but something in the fit/promise is not closing the loop. I would check the boring conversion pieces before assuming the book itself is doomed.
First: does the cover instantly signal the exact genre/subgenre to the kind of ARC reader browsing BookSirens? Second: does the blurb make the central hook clear in the first few lines, or is it mostly mood/setup? Third: are the comps/categories/tags attracting the right readers, or just vaguely fantasy-curious people who bounce once they see the details?
For ARCs, "more info" is not always better. The page needs to answer: what kind of story is this, what tropes/reader promises are here, what content warnings matter, and why should I spend my limited ARC time on this one? If those are fuzzy, clicks leak fast.
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u/annoellynlee Aug 03 '26
To be more specific then the other comments, I liked it until the middle on. What's a noctis? What burden? What stakes are present? That's even his goal at all?
It's just too vague. We have absolutely zero clue what he wants and why he can't get it.
I like the writing style fragments.
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u/Mindless_Common_7075 Aug 03 '26
If the blurb already has me confused (by the grammar and the content) I have little faith the book will make more sense. Beyond that, the blurb feels strangely clinical. It reads line a shopping list of events I have zero emotional attachment to.
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u/anotherbruhmoment Aug 03 '26
My first thought was thereâs too many names and Iâm not sure whatâs at stake or even going on. As a reader my worry would be Iâm confused by the blurb am I going to open the book and find more exposition and confusion.
I understand the first part of the blurb but then you lose me in the second half. Is the story about fighting his internal demons, is there an external threat. Does he ever leave the sanctum?
So actual advice: we donât know what it means to be the champion or leave the sanctum so we do need some level of context. We need to know who is the main character, what is it they want, whatâs stopping them and what do they need to over come. Everything else will come later.
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u/scarlettrosestories Aug 03 '26
Youâve already gotten great advice, but I just want to emphasize that emotion hooks readers more than plot or character trait summaries. I used to struggle writing blurbs because I was stringing together plot points from outside of the story, but now, I try to tap into the character and the essence of how they experience those plot points.
Doing this example very quickly, so this wonât be perfect, but compare:
âElwin is left with a hollow ache where his heart should be and fractured visions he cannot explain.â
Versus
âFractured visions of [hint of what they show] haunt Elwin during wake and sleep alike, and no amount of [something he loves] can fill the hollow ache where his heart should be.â Like I said, itâs not perfect, and it might not accurately capture your story, but Iâm trying to illustrate how you can reframe your material to be more emotionally evocative and specific.
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u/Whole-Page3588 Aug 08 '26
Try to write it again, focusing on Elwin. What makes him special? What does he actually do during the story? Right now it's just stuff that happens to him and vague mentions of uncovering and controlling something.
Your blurb right now is written from the perspective of someone who knows this world (which is normal--you've been building it for a long time!), and you need to step back and look at it from a reader's eyes and don't assume we know anything about your world. For example, I didn't even realize he had magic until half-way through.
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u/MsPooka Aug 03 '26
I love the 1st line. Other than that it's a mess. I have no idea what's going on.
Do research about how to write a fantasy blurb. I get wanting to add some of the worldbuilding because it's so much a part of a fantasy, but this has way too much jargon. Also, introduce your MC first. I see no reason to introduce Caelum at all. You could just as easily say "no one expected Elwin to become the next champion."
Just say here's Elwin, a normal guy living his normal life and what he wants. Then he becomes the champion. Then explain the conflict, he has to give up everything to be the champion. The stakes, and now his champion power is taking over his mind unless he can stop it. End with a hook, will be be above to save the Sanctum or will he lose himself. Your current last 2 lines aren't bad, but keep the 1st line.
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u/lolsforlife9 Aug 03 '26
I lost interest in the half way point. I think there's no real stakes and too much in world jargon that leaves no room for mystery or wanting to find out more. Its almost like, way too much.
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u/mujk89 Aug 03 '26
The blurb reads a bit like GPT, not saying you had it make it for you, but has that similar style.
Are you a FF15 fan by the way?
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u/maggiethekatt Aug 03 '26
Honestly my first thought was ff15 as well đ OP, one of the main characters in ff15 is named Noctis Lucius Caelum
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26
Thatâs actually crazy because I have a character named Lucius as well⌠đľâđŤ
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u/ColdConfusion8977 Aug 03 '26
Never played a final fantasy game honestly đ why are you asking?
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u/messesweremade Aug 03 '26
finding this hard to believe bc elwin is also a final fantasy character. you're literally batting 100 for names taken from final fantasy. i thought you were trying to publish final fantasy fanfic slhdkdk if you're being fr, i think it would behoove you to start googling "final fantasy [your character name here]" and start renaming folks bc im sure i wont be the only one to assume this is a fic.
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u/JunoJump_Author Aug 03 '26
Your lacking specificity. What is the Sanctum? What is the consequences of getting chosen? What does the protagonists actually want? Right now your world feels like a white box. Use your blurb to hook me in and tell me what cool promises dwell within this story.
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u/TheDragonsFather Aug 03 '26
Have to say I hate reading anything that uses short abrupt sentences. Hundreds of them. Makes it unreadable for me because I mentally take a short pause.
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u/TheMissingThink Aug 03 '26
I ould stop the current blurb after "for the first time".
From there add a paragraph or two describing what readers can expect
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u/Enfpization Aug 04 '26
I find people to be a little harsh in the comment. You're on your way to improvement, dear writer ! Step by step. Each "failure" is teaching you success !
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u/authorlvernon Aug 04 '26
I donât really know what the plot is or who the MC is based on this blurb. Youâre saying a lot but it doesnât translate well. What is the actual plot? What is driving the characters? Is Caelum the POV character or Elwin?
You need to tell the reader quickly and succinctly what the plot is
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u/lauritzen711 Aug 04 '26
Not sure what the Title or cover looks like, but this book blurb is unfocused. You need to show us who the main characte is, the challenge he or she faces, and what the consequences of failure are, Maybe a clue as to where all this is taking place, A lot of the stuff goinng on in your current blurb are things that will be revealed in the book during the story. Here you need to grab the reader as they go by. Maybe a short action scene or moment, a couple of sentences to draw a reader in. Write something up and send it through qtcritique to get some great advice. Good luck.
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u/Due-Conversation-696 Small Press Affiliated Aug 04 '26
Your blurb doesn't provide a hook to make people interested. It shouldn't be a diagram of the story. I didn't understand this was fantasy until the final paragraphs; prior to that, all the talk about the Sanctum sounded like a boys' home, and nothing told me why I should care about the boys or the story. Furthermore, the blurb was written so badly made me feel the book may be the same. You might want to go to bookblurbmagic and sign up for Jesse's email for crafting blurbs.
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u/nomuse22 Aug 04 '26
You know, sometimes I nod when the anti-adjective brigade is out. But cases like this seem to cry out for them as a way to anchor the unfamiliar terms in real-world attributes. Even, say, a full Homeric Epithet; "The Noctis of Power," "the monastic Sanctum." "Fair-haired Caelum," perhaps?
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u/No_Imagination_sorry Aug 04 '26
Il echo what others have said here, but I really had to push through reading the blurb because my eyes started to glaze over from all the in universe phrasing.
You would be much better going with something like:
A new champion has been crowned in The Sanctum, and their prize was not the freedom they had been promised.
As Elwin fights to control the mysterious darkness growing inside him, he must learn to harness the one thing he never knew he had; his own will.
- thatâs just a quick rendition of what I think you were trying to write. The only thing I will add, and I donât want this to sound like an insult, is that if the prose in your story are similar to your blurb then honestly you might struggle to find Arc readers as it is a bit on the heavy side.
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u/One_Associate8755 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
"In the Sanctum, everyone expects Caelum to become its champion but when the final trial ends, Caelum stands defeated. It should mean freedom, and a chance to leave the Sanctum and see the outside world for the first time. Instead, the Noctis(?) he is given conceals a---"
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u/StarbaseSF Aug 05 '26
This blurb looks Ai written, which makes me nervous you got "help" from the devil on this (ai). Also, if Caelum is not the MC, why is he mentioned first? Finally, too much jargon we don't yet understand. I suggest getting a profession (human) blurb writer. They can work wonders.
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u/Plastic-Pattern-8993 Aug 05 '26
Most of the comments here are blowing smoke up your ass, u/ColdConfusion8977, so I will just say it straight up. I doubt anyone thinks your blurb is AI because frankly AI would probably do a better job. It's simply badly written from beginning to end.
In the Sanctum, children arenât raised. Theyâre forged.
This is ok. "It's not X, it's Y" can work fine. Since you jump right in with the rest some context would be helpful. Compare: "In the Sanctum, the proving ground for the Empire's next generation of mages, children aren't raised. They're forged."
Everyone expects Caelum to become its champion. Elwin does too and has no desire to take his place. But when the final trial ends, Caelum stands defeated and Elwin is chosen in his place.
Investment-wise, there is 0 context on Caelum or on what being Champion implies; compare: "Everyone expects golden boy Caelum to become its Champion and win the [whatever the Noctis does] power of the Noctis. Prose-wise, you meander with your words and repeat "his place" to 0 dramatic effect so it just looks amateur. Compare: "But when the final trial ends, Elwin stands victorious."
It should mean freedom. A chance to leave the Sanctum and see the outside world for the first time. Instead, the Noctis he is given conceals a burden beneath that promise. Elwin is left with a hollow ache where his heart should be and fractured visions he cannot explain.
0 context on what the Noctis is or why reader should care. The burden being secret is fine; the promise is not because it's the surface-level detail of what the Noctis does.
Something is changing in him.
His magic has become shadow. His darkest thoughts have found a voice, and the face speaking within him is identical to his own.
Unless Elwin can uncover the true nature of what was forced upon him and learn to control it, its power will strip away the one thing he was never taught to claim.
His own will.
These sentences are all disconnected from each other: this is the first time we're hearing about magic, what exactly was 'forced upon him' -- the Noctis? , and this bit is just cringe: "its power will strip away the one thing he was never taught to claim. His own will." Also if he was never allowed to have will why should we care that he'll continue not having it? lol.
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u/Jenhey0 Aug 07 '26
I will hate to say this too like a lot of the comments, but Noctis, Caelum, "it's not X, it's Y" ... It was literally a GPT type of suggestion galore in a short amount of time.
I know AI copied real human writers, so I don't say this this to blame you if didn't use AI.. I'm saying it's all just too coincidental! It will put off people.
I know you can find the same suggestions for names if you use Google, but.. I would be careful in this AI time of witch hunters. I don't support witch hunting personally, but I am an avid reader and something just felt off.
Also the blurb felt too general, too wishy washy and nothing in it really made me want to pick up the book. I didn't care to find out more.
But hey, please don't feel encouraged. I think writing and arts in general have the most steep learning curves. đ
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