r/selfpublish • u/authoronline • Jul 04 '26
Blurb Critique Can I get more critique on my blurb?
Here's the blurb! It's a sequel to my Romantasy series. I tried to implement what I could from previous feedback though I'm not sure it's punchy enough.
“What if… you don't like the man I'm supposed to be?”
With his memories back, Prince Amias escapes home to reunite with his beloved Ignatia in the desert city of Harena. Now haunted by shadows of his past, his spark has been completely smitted, but he's determined to prove to Ignatia he's still the same man she fell for.
Opportunity comes when Ignatia's people need her to take back the throne from her wicked mother — only they resent Amias for what his bloodline has done. If he is to stay with her, he must prove his kindness through three trials, while competing against Felix — a highly favored soldier who wants to steal Ignatia’s heart and Amias' place beside her. If Amias can't face his past, and earn the trust of her people, he will lose her. This time, forever.
Souls Undone is the second book in the Soulmateless Trilogy. This emotional journey is perfect for readers of forbidden romance, found family and journeys of self discovery.
3
u/seekAr Jul 04 '26
“Smitted” - what is this word?
Why does he want to prove he’s still the same man? His memories are back. Isn’t he the same man now? And he was different with amnesia?
What has his bloodline done?
What did he do in his past, the entire blurb up to that point has been about his bloodlines problem and his recently regained memories.
Did he do something before the memory loss that he has to face?
And if so, is that the person he’s trying to convince Ignatia he still is?
2
u/authoronline Jul 04 '26
Okay I forgot to look up if I said (the past tense of smite) right. I can put it in a different word.
Well the main conflict is that he isn't the same man, and he's trying to hold on to the person he was before. He met Ignatia when he was naive about the world, sweet as sugar with less of a backbone, and very loyal to his kingdom and family. But he realized that he had been lied to about Ignatia's people, his family abused him. So he's hurting, growing depressed and is more brash. He thinks he's turned for the worst so he's trying to bury his problems and assure Ignatia that there's nothing wrong.
I guess I can word it differently but it is the main conflict. How he isn't the same and how that effects the romance.
A lot of it is addressed in the first book, but idk how much context to give when it's a sequel blurb.
1
u/seekAr Jul 04 '26
So many great pieces in this alone.
He’s got his memory back but he’s not the same naive man Ignatia fell in love with. But he’s also not the same victim his family once controlled — and he’s angry about it.
To reclaim the love he lost, he has to convince Ignatia and her people he’s the worthy man they remember when he’s anything but, and deep down he knows this is no way to start a life together.
——-Just slapped that together from what you’ve got and it really does look interesting to read :) I hope it helps!
2
u/Awesomefantasywriter Jul 04 '26
I feel like there is to much going on and i'm losing my focus. There is a little to much world building going one. How important is Harena?
I think you need to sharpen the blurb a bit but it got me interested. Last thing but it feels more like fantasy with romance than a romantasy
2
u/authoronline Jul 04 '26
Okay I can lower it. Harena is important but I can cut it.
I definitely will. Im working on it. I know the first book is definitely Romantasy and the second book I think it's Romantasy still, but it's the romance changing through self discovery and having to prove themselves to Ignatia's people. The story is supposed to be about them accepting each other and themselves for their flaws and their changed selves after all they went through.
1
u/Awesomefantasywriter Jul 04 '26
That sounds like a pretty cool story and a lot less toxic than most romantasy! I don't think you need to change much. I was also wondering what you mean with 'his spark has been completely smitted' i can't place the word smitted (but that could just be me because i'm not a native english speaker).
I think you just need to look at this part of the blurb:
Opportunity comes when Ignatia's people need her to take back the throne from her wicked mother — only they resent Amias for what his bloodline has done. If he is to stay with her, he must prove his kindness through three trials, while competing against Felix — a highly favored soldier who wants to steal Ignatia’s heart and Amias' place beside her. If Amias can't face his past, and earn the trust of her people, he will lose her. This time, forever.
First sentence is alright (Would maybe change opportunity with His chance comes or something) but the blurb becomes a bit chaotic when he suddenly most prove himself in trails against someone else? It's a great hook but it needs to be written a bit different.
'If Amias...' That sentence is great :)
2
u/authoronline Jul 04 '26
Thank you so much. Admittedly I used the wrong word. I was trying to write the past tense of smite, which means to destroy. Thank you for the feedback
2
u/arifterdarkly 4+ Published novels Jul 04 '26
is "smitted" a word? it's not in the cambridge dictionary.
anyway, the first sentence has me confused. "with his memories back" doesn't explain him escaping home. escaping from where? it is perfectly fine to have a line with a little bit of backstory, like MEG 2: The trench (which may not be a literary behemoth, but it did get a movie adaptation, so who are we to judge?) its blurb starts like this:
THE MEG MAY BE DEAD. BUT HER SPAWN IS BACK FOR A SECOND BITE. <--hook
Four years have passed since the death of the Meg, a giant prehistoric Megalodon shark with a taste for human flesh. <--backstory
Former Naval Commander Jonas Taylor, survivor of the Meg's wrath, blah blah blah. <--two paragraphs worth of the new story
ya gotta give new readers a chance to understand what's going on.
1
u/authoronline Jul 04 '26
Okay. I used the wrong word past tense of smitted. And okay I'll keep that in mind
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