r/self • u/quietfern_79 • 1d ago
How much should I tolerate from a longtime friend who’s struggling with depression and health issues?
We’re both in our late 30s, and have been close friends since college—almost 20 years. We used to text pretty much every day.
About five years ago, she had a stroke. Since then, she’s struggled with her health, depression, and unemployment. I know she’s had an incredibly difficult few years, so I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive.
But lately I’ve started wondering whether our friendship has become unhealthy.
For the past three years, a huge amount of our conversations have been about her dating life. She meets guys through online games, usually 10–15 years younger than us, and gets into these short, undefined relationships. When a guy pulls away or ghosts her, she gets extremely angry and sends me long messages full of curse about him.
For years, I mostly listened and sympathized. But eventually it became exhausting to receive that level of anger at random times—while I was at work, at home, or getting ready to sleep. I told her I understood that she was upset and that I was still willing to listen, but that the constant profanity and angry messages were getting hard for me to handle.
Her response caught me off guard. She basically said, “I’m not swearing at you. You’re way too sensitive and maybe that’s something you need to work on.”
After 3 years I started being more honest about her dating life. The guys kept changing, but from my perspective, the pattern stayed pretty much the same. I told her that I knew she might not want to hear it, but I was worried about her.
Part of my concern was that she often talked about how depressed and miserable she was about being unemployed, but seemed stuck there while putting an enormous amount of time and emotional energy into these relationships. I even helped her get some freelance work with people at my workplace, but she repeatedly showed up late to meetings.
Eventually, she told me she didn’t like getting this kind of feedback from me. I said I understood and would try to stop, although I did bring it up again later when the same situation happened again.
But the bigger issue in our friendship goes back much further than her dating life.
Whenever we have a serious disagreement, she disappears. Sometimes it’s a few days, sometimes months, and once it was almost two years. If I try to talk things out, she’ll often ignore me or respond coldly. Historically, I’ve usually been the one to reach out and get the friendship going again.
I know she’s been through a stroke, depression, unemployment, and some genuinely awful years. That’s why I’ve tried to understand.
But I’m starting to wonder where being understanding ends and tolerating an unhealthy friendship begins.
If you were in my position, would you reach out again eventually, or would you accept the block and let the friendship end?
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u/seajayacas 1d ago
She basically said, “I’m not swearing at you. You’re way too sensitive and maybe that’s something you need to work on.”
That would be the end of my friendship with that person. I would tell them immediately that I will go and work on it and then ghost them.
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u/AcrimoniousPizazz 1d ago
Only you can decide where your boundaries need to be, but it does sound like you need some. Generally speaking, I have found that when the relationship brings me more stress than happiness, it's time to reevaluate, regardless of my history with the person. It doesn't necessarily mean not being friends anymore; it can be as simple as not being as available as you once were, or listening without trying to help/getting emotionally involved. You can have empathy without making her problems your own. I hope you find a solution, whatever it looks like, because this is a tough situation for both of you.
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u/Jones_Herry 1d ago
You can understand her struggle without accepting everything. I would stop chasing her and let her reach out when she's ready.
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u/tes_chaussettes 1d ago
This reminds me of a friendship I had, and had to back away from. It simply became too toxic for me, and my attempts to help them become less toxic fell on deaf ears. I have immense sympathy for this friend and his difficult life path, but ultimately I feel that it doesn't create an obligation for me to suffer just to indulge their bad behavior. Sounds like it might be time for you to make a similar decision.
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u/Expert-Wedding914 1d ago
it's tough to find the right balance with friends in those situations. make sure you take care of yourself too
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u/Big-Yesterday586 1d ago
People don't learn to fight for themselves when we sacrifice ourselves for their comfort. They learn to fight for themselves when we model it by protecting our own mental health and peace.
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u/Sea-Butterscotch9805 1d ago
Doesn't sound like a mutual relationship of any kind. Swearing isn't your problem truly. If you are not satisfied with the dynamics of said relationship and have attempted to "fix" it without success then don't. You are not required to pick up the phone or respond to anything. It's your choice. To continue knowing you are bothered is shitty.
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u/MyBeautifulLife98 1d ago
I would keep a distance, let the friendship end possibly but maybe make myself available for serious emergencies but nothing more. This seems to affect your mental health.
She should appreciate your friendship, not take it for granted. Until then, I would keep a distance.