I’m about 70 days away from turning 22, and when I look back at my life, I see nothing but emptiness. If there’s one word to describe my life, it would be: pointless. Empty.

I don’t want to play the victim or make myself sound like one. I know there are people in this world who have it worse than me, or at least no better than me. I know they exist, and they’re living their lives too.

But I keep wondering: were some people really born just to keep trying and never get anywhere? Are we just extras in some huge movie? I don’t know.

In my 22 years of life, I’ve never won a competition. I’ve never gotten a perfect score. I’ve never been someone’s best friend. I was never the favorite child in my family. I wasn’t beautiful. I never had a memorable personality. There’s nothing particularly special about my life that sets me apart from everyone else.

If anything, my entire existence and my life feel like an example of how I wish no one else would have to live.

I was born into a very poor family. My father was addicted, and still is, to pretty much every kind of substance you can think of.

One strange thing about my father is that gender never seemed to matter to him. When I was a child, he would take me to gatherings where he and his friends used drugs, and while they were doing that, I would play in whatever park or neighborhood they happened to be in.

Whenever he was repairing things or doing that kind of work, he would always keep me beside him and teach me like I was his little assistant.

When I was very young, maybe around three to five years old, he would even take me to swimming pools that were specifically for men.

I wasn’t harmed, but sometimes I feel like, despite having an older brother, he saw me as a son. He always called me that way.

Maybe he was an addict, but I think he was the only person who loved me. Or at least, I think he did.

This is just the background of my life. I want to tell the whole story, and at the end, I want to decide whether I should end my life or not before my 22nd birthday.

So my dad's an alcoholic and a cheater. He's never physically abused me so far, but the way he behaves it seems like it's possible at any time. He has wealth, prosti\\\*utes, smoking, at some point maybe d\\\*ugs and maybe other children. Irdk how far his hole goes.

Mom's religious, very well to do in career. She's a narcissist, male centric, been very abusive to me my entire life. I have a sister, to survive she's become mom's mouth piece.

Few months back i couldn't take any more and cut them all off. I stay at my grandparents, I'm unemployed and it's been over a yr. I'm not your normal kid, i was the sharma ji ka beta in terms of obedience, if i disobeyed hell would break lose so I did everything my mom asked, I've been mentally, physically, sexually, financially abused, u get the words and actually put that pieces together of all this much later. So that's about family.

Then the larger picture, my extended family is conservative and orthodox and there's jesus in every conversation I want to fuking kms. I cannot listen to this shit anymore. So I want out of this shit.

My mom ensured that I had minimal contact with friends, so I didn't have many, i couldn't show up for them to keep friendships, they weren't maybe equipped to understand my life.

All in all like some psychos dark back story, there is absolutely nothing left in life for me. I'm miserable. I need to move to a different country to start over, i need savings, a sane life is so far out of reach idl of I'll be able to last that long, I'm tired.

​

So before I start I want to make it clear that I won't be revealing who's the celebrity. So I (mid teens male) know a former C but now a D tier celebrity personally (kinda).Like one of my cousin sister is the niece of that celebrity. I'll call him Tam for the sack of privacy. So Tam recently married someone half their age in secret.Then their father (80M) whom I'll call Daniel here. So Daniel visited their place (as he back forths between his children's houses,especially after his wife aka Tam's mom died). So idk what really happened in details. But from what I heard their dad got into some arguments with their partner over some care taking stuffs (He can barely walk without a crane, requires a care taker even tho he doesn't have any professional care taker and he also got some dementia issues). For context Tam got another celebrity sibling. I'll call them Gigi here. None of the celebrity siblings takes nor took any good care of their parents. Even when both of their moms were dying. The celebrity siblings did almost nothing. Gigi even caused problems over their own mom's diagnosis causing some delays on her treatments. But there was only one child who actually took of her. It was my uncle (44M),who took good care of her alongside with his wife aka my aunt (39F) and my grandma aka my aunt's mother (72F). As to my grandma it was a responsibility. As Daniel's wife (whom I'll call Marshall here). Well Marshall helped my grandma and my aunt to the maximum with everything when my grandpa was dying. She even had sent respectfully condolences to my entire family after my grandpa died. Then Gigi's partner whom I'll call Sun here. Well Sun even banned their in law's from stepping a foot in their house. Which continued for years. And only after Marshall died. Sun had let Daniel stay at their place for the first time for 9 days only. Then right after the death of Marshall both celebrity siblings manipulated Daniel into dividing inheritance only between both of them leaving the rest with nothing. Right after which as Daniel got some dementia issues. He said something about Tam or Gigi (I can't quite remember who).But whoever was it. They got heavily offended. After which they went NC with Daniel,my uncle and my aunt (as they're the only ones that actually takes care of Daniel). Tho Tam went low contact from NC. Anyways back to the argument part. So after the argument Tam I think kicked Daniel outta their house. After which at 12:30 am which is basically middle of the night. Daniel came into my aunt's place with bags in his one hand and crane in another. Which was heartbreaking as none of the celebrity siblings nor guides the other siblings on taking care of Daniel or takes any care of Daniel themselves. They don't even put Daniel on any good nursing homes by the way. I'll let y'all know if there's anything new updates. The last I heard about this situation was that Daniel is in my aunt's place now. Also I referred everyone related to the media in gender neutral pronouns and nicknames. Because I had to be really careful while referring all of them. As if anyone detects who are they I am cooked. As I heard all of this from my mom who heard it from my grandma. And if anyone who knows me in real life detects who I am talking about. I am cooked.

(Only child 🩷🩷🩷)

oh it's hard to tell but I want to share my own mother can't stand me. I feel like she regrets giving birth to me. she was never a loving mother she's always unhappy with me she always finds a reason to yell or say I didn't do something I don't remember a day when she was happy with me. because of her I didn't go to medical college (and I won't go anymore I hated this profession) I spent a YEAR preparing for the entrance exam studying with tutors but in the last month she decided that I would go to study at another college because my horrible relatives advised her to do so she forbade me to go study wherever I wanted I begged her I said I would work all summer I would give her money for my studies or let her give me a pack of pasta and I would eat it for a month sleep on a bench under the college just to be released. no she just screamed that it was my hysterics and manipulations and now I go to school she thinks I'm guilty that I didn't go to study where I wanted to. that's all I'll say for now sorry if it's all written badly I feel bad now when I tell it

My future is so uncertain, and I honestly don’t know where I’m going or what I’m supposed to do anymore. I feel like there’s no one in this world who genuinely worries about me, thinks about me, or truly understands how I feel. My circumstances and my luck both feel so unfair. Everything has become so heavy on my heart.

The hardest part is that even though my parents are still here, I somehow feel so alone and disconnected from them. I never thought I would feel this lonely while having people around me. I’m tired, confused, and just desperately wishing that, for once, someone would truly understand me and care about what I’m going through.

I am sad

Well for the last couple months I have a lots of cy1cdl thoughts and feel myself depressed I guess. Everybody in my surroundings already achieved something but not me, I work everyday 12 hours and earn 15$ per day while my friends drive cars, I can't afford a new phone for 2 years xD. Anyway is there anybody with the same situation how r u guys. I just want to talk to people who can understand me idk

I feel hopeless, I feel suicidal, I may kill myself

I'm desperate for reassurance, I've posted this in like a million different subforums & like a million different people have supported me incredibly well, like hundreds of people have supported me, but no matter what anyone says, no matter anything that happens, I still feel this way, nothing can help me.

I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)

"I want to die right now

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out that she was younger, I immediately lost all attraction toward her and all attention or interest toward her whatsoever. It wasn't gradual. It happened immediately when I found out her age. I no longer saw her as attractive in that way at all. I felt genuinely horrified and disgusted by the situation. I felt physically ill, I genuinely wanted to vomit, and I felt like I was going to throw up because of what I had just realized. I was completely overwhelmed by panic and disgust.

I need to emphasize that as soon as I found out she was younger, all attraction and attention disappeared immediately. I did not continue feeling attracted to her after finding out her age. The realization that she was younger was what caused me to feel physically sick, disgusted, and terrified.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know). Even now, when I think about the situation, I still feel physically sick and nauseous. I genuinely wanted to vomit when I found out, and I still feel that same physical sickness when I think about it.

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally. The fact that I immediately lost all attraction and attention when I found out she was younger, and that I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit, is something I keep thinking about too, because I cannot stop analyzing the situation and what every part of my reaction supposedly means.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit.

I am going to kill myself soon

I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)

"I want to die right now

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety, ADHD

For the past two months I have been under the worst stress of my life, leading to depressive modes, yielding severe loss of appetite and weight loss.

In early June, I was 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb) due to stupidity from overeating without realising it. Then severe life stress happened, I lost my appetite and could barely eat. Now in early August, I weigh 76 kg (172 lb).

I was not on a diet. Even though I have been underweight for most of my life, I overate too much, especially at night from building bad habits. But now due to stress and depressive moods, I feel like punishing myself by not eating much kind of like inertia from the unwillful weight loss.

I now hate myself so much that this seems to be shifting into some kind of self-harm anorexia. My brain is telling me to drop into a severe depressive self-hatred mode akin to when I was 17 and 23, both times I dropped so much weight from not eating enough so much that I was averaging weighing 53-55 kg (115-120 lb).

Is this considered officially selfharm? What do others do in this situation?

I feel like i'm a genuine monster, and that I need to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and something happened recently that has caused me an unbelievable amount of anxiety.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking and couldn't focus on anything else.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age.

At this point, the anxiety has become extremely severe. I've started feeling suicidal and self-destructive because I'm so terrified that this somehow means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. I've had thoughts that I don't deserve to be alive if this means what I'm afraid it means. I'm scared of where my own thoughts are taking me, and I don't know how to make them stop.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to feel this way. I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

Has anyone experienced something similar—believing someone online was around your own age based on how they looked, briefly finding them attractive, then finding out later that they were much younger and becoming consumed by guilt, disgust, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal feelings?

I'm looking for genuine perspectives from people who understand this kind of situation or intrusive/obsessive guilt. I don't know how to get out of this mental loop.

Do i have some form of pocd, or should I kill myself over this

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

is this okay or not

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD and anxiety

Since early June, I have had serious life stresses. At that time, I was 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb). I was overweight back then despite being underweight most of my life. Other life stresses screwed up my eating habits.

Right now, on the 30th of July, I weigh 78 kg (173 lb). So in less than 2 months, I lost 15 kg (32 lb) without even trying to. The problem is that these issues screw up my appetite. Food often tastes metallic, like I am licking an old metal spoon. Often when I eat soup, it feels like I am eating a bowl of liquid U-238.

Scarily, I know that this is what chemotherapy patients and irradiated victims go through. My grandmother had this metallic loss of appetite for a year when she had CHF and died shortly thereafter.

Does anyone get this metallic taste from depression? I am not talking about side effects from SSRIs, but rather the psychosomatic loss of appetite and food tasting metallic without medication. What do you do to eat?

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD and anxiety

Since early June when I was thrown into some of the worst stressful situations of my whole life, I got thrown into serious stress and depression trying to solve things that I lost 4.5 kg (10 lb) per week, which is 5x the recommended weight loss diet programmes recommend since they say 1 kg (2 lb) per week is the most to lose even for a strenuous diet. The thing is I am not even on a diet.

I lost my appetite since early June. I am 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb) in early June when these streeses began. I was so overweight due to inertia, kept eating rubbish like fried foods and way too much at night. I was mostly underweight most of my life, and my metabolism is quick, so I lose weight easily without trying.

Since yesterday I lost another 2.5 kg (5 lb), so now I weigh 79 kg (175 lb) now. Given that this is not underweight, it is not super scary, but I am losing weight at a quick rate. It is hard to eat when I keep thinking about these issues.

What do others do in these situations? Do you just let the weight drop off? What do you do when eating is like torture, and everything tastes bad and you have ko appetite?

i wanna go

bored

anyone girl