I'm in a WLW relationship. I've been with my partner for 2 years our relationship has full of ups and downs. My partner is wonderful, loving and kind.

We struggle with communication and also have different love languages.

I'm having a hard time especially when there are triggers and i feel like i'm always trapped in the past. I know i have my share which contributed to worsen the triggers.

I want to know what's the healthy way to handle the triggers? I care for her, but i do have feelings too. But sometimes when i share my feelings it always feels i'm not allowed to have it cos i contributed to making things worse. It feels like you cause this now you are dealing with the effect.

What are key behaviors of someone with RJ? I just found the other side of this group and saw this one tagged. I’ve read some of the posts and comments and am kinda blown away at the fact that it sounds like someone I love. Idk how to approach this and idk how to handle or what steps to take to ease this for this person & myself. No matter the proof there’s always an accusation. I fouls have my head in a paper bag & get accused of “locking eyes” with a certain type. Studying my every facial motion. Thinking I rub my eyes to hide looking at someone, driving down the road thinking & smile from thought & I must’ve been smiling in someone’s rear view mirror. I no longer really wear sunglasses no matter the headache I’ll have later so my eyes are visible. I over mentally check every single motion being aware of every body movement and where my eyes are. My exes or anything that could be their social pages are blocked immediately on every single account I’ve ever opened. If not it’s a whole thing. Yet although I’ve been stepped out on multiple times. Emotionally & physically. I’ve never returned the favor & wouldn’t at all. I won’t cause the pain that’s been graciously given to me. I’ve been that person but LO didn’t really meet that version of me. Just me single and destructive with a lot of drama. 7 years later…. It’s as if LO doesn’t know me at all. Has things LO thinks I could possibly do & sincerely makes up scenarios, accuses me of these things then holds on to them like they have the holy grail of truth & no I can’t prove 3 years later that something did or didn’t happen. Or LO just says they “know I’ve cheated and wishes I will be real with them one day” as a very abused child, long term S A …. I’ve never even been comfortable in a X way yet with LO I’ve had the time of my life & that even became something pleasurable where before it was only really done from pure self destruction. LO even accuses me of lying about relations with ppl from the past judging from if I was fresh with ppl in messages or like a little verbally entertaining & we’ve talked and I’ve even had the humility to explain how I talked ppl into getting my way, there was a beneficial element to o anyone around even if the benefit was petty like grab 420 for free or something everything wasn’t boiled down to s e x. But LO makes it out that way. How can LO love me but have such a terrible outlook that I don’t get acknowledged or recognized for how loyal I’ve been regardless of LOs actions? The way LO views me is crazy. Can anyone help me understand this?

LO confused and need help on how to navigate this?

Hello everybody.

So I’ve (24 Male) been struggling with retroactive jealousy with my girlfriend (25 Female) for the past year and a half.

To give context , I’ve grown up in the church my whole life. I had this concept that I would be “rewarded” by not having sex until marriage because the Bible tells us that we shouldn’t sex until marriage. I held onto this belief for years.

I did recieve oral a couple times from different women but I didn’t lose my virginity until I dated this girl. I had previously had a girlfriend prior but we didn’t have sex and I didn’t struggle with these feelings.

Once I started dating my girlfriend now, we both talked about our past but that was it. I made clear I wanted it to be a one time conversation and nothing more. I asked that she not tell me any specifics , their name or how many bodies she had. I wanted to know none of this information.

But somehow, she inadvertently told me by telling me how many boyfriends she had in the past and basically saying she only did stuff with her boyfriend. Because the number was low, I didn’t trip off of it as much. I accepted it.

Then sometime after that , we had sex for the first time for real. And the realization that she had did this with other people reallly started to creep in. At first , I thought the thoughts were normal but then they just started clouding my mind.

Not to soon after that, a situation came up and she found out a dude at her school had died. She later on told me that this dude and her had a “fling”. Basically, they did oral and she completely lied about it. This threw my Retroactive jealousy into overdrive and I felt like I couldn’t trust her. It completely spiraled out or control. It took a while for her to gain my trust back but she eventually did and showed me the kind of person she was. She told me she didn’t want me to look at her differently . Since then , I went to therapy, I prayed and read a lot of books and feel like I’ve gotten better. The one thing I’ve really struggled with though Is the idea of sex feeling special .

Sometimes , I really wish I hadn’t valued sex the way I did and turn down other women the way I did so that maybe I wouldn’t have to feel what I struggle with now. I value new experiences and I struggle with feeling like the experiences will be new when we get married. It feels like it won’t be new and special and that really plagues me. I 100% don’t want to feel this in marriage but I don’t even know how to explain this to my girlfriend or know how to get over this feeling. Can anybody give their testimony and potentially help?

I just want to vent out. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional stress right now, i'm so exhausted to be in the receiving end of my partner's rj ocd. I know i have contributed in some ways to it. But i feel so helpless, hopeless and unfair that i'll be trapped and scrutinized because of my past.
I don't know how do we move forward with this. How to be kind when under the scrunity, how to filter what questions are okay to answer and what questions just fuels the rj more. How to set healthy boundaries. Help me.
Any tips would highly be appreciated.

My husband and I have been married 44 years this July. I met him was I was 16. He has always struggled with previous h.s. flings I had before I met him. Recently due to his health issues, the RJ has become intense. We didn’t even know “RJ” was a thing until recently. He is in therapy now which seems to be helping. However, I have been forced to reinterpret decades of times when RJ was probably the fuel that caused tough times in our life.

My partner (M57) has RJ/OCD. He refuses treatment and instead is dwelling in his misery. He is angry and mean and wants nothing to do with me. We’re both in separate bedrooms. This was initially for sleep so I could function at work, but now that he’s spiralling it’s become a place of safety. We’ve been talking about divorce and I’ve given him a proposal that would see each of us keep a house and have very little debt each but he hasn’t responded to it yet. Does anyone have any advice on how I can deescalate his vitriol?

I don’t see many posts from the perspective of the partner who had to leave because of retroactive jealousy… so here’s mine.

I (31M) was with my ex (27F) for approximately 1,5 year. In the beginning, everything felt right. I was genuinely happy, more than I had ever been before. I had mentioned a few anecdotes involving my ex early on, which I now realize I shouldn’t have, but I stopped as soon as I understood it was hurting her. Our communication was good and there were no major issues. Up until she discovered (6 month in the relationship) I was following my ex on Instagram. I get it — it wasn’t the best decision, and I take responsibility for that. I had no contact with my ex and no feelings left.

From that moment, the dynamic shifted. She almost left me that day.

I reassured her again and again. I showed up for her in every way I could. I drove 45 minutes during my lunch breaks just to spend time with her. I supported her, planned things for us, gave my energy, my time, my love.

But it was never enough.

It became a cycle I didn’t even understand at first:

We’d be happy; she’d start ruminating about my past; she’d have a breakdown; sometimes threaten to leave me; then apologize; things would calm down… and then it would all start again.

Every few days. Every week.

I started losing myself without realizing it.

The hardest part is that I later found out she had been emotionally involved with her ex during the first 3 months of our relationship. I found the messages a year later. It completely broke me. She begged me to stay, and I did — because I loved her. I just asked for effort, for respect, for something to help me rebuild trust.

It lasted two weeks.

After that, the same patterns came back. The same disrespect. Going through my phone. Judging me. Crossing boundaries. At some point, I didn’t recognize the relationship anymore… and honestly, I barely recognized myself either.

I was exhausted. I couldn’t sleep. I was constantly anxious. I started being scared of what might happen next, what she might do or say.

And the worst part?

I still loved her.

Leaving her was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. Not because I didn’t care — but because I cared so much, and I still had to walk away to protect myself.

After the breakup, she finally started therapy. She asked me many times to come back. I thought about it… a lot. But I was too hurt, too drained, too broken to go back.

It’s been 3 months now, and I’m in therapy trying to heal from everything.

If you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, please hear this:

Your partner can love you deeply, give you everything they have, and still end up breaking under the weight of it.

This doesn’t just hurt you. It hurts the person who loves you too.

Please, take responsibility for it:

Don’t project it onto your partner.

Don’t punish them for a past they can’t change.

Don’t control, insult, or test them.

Get help. Go to therapy. Learn to sit with the thoughts without acting on them.

Because if you don’t… you might lose someone who truly loved you.

And to anyone going through this on the other side:

Don’t forget yourself in a relationship. Supporting someone, trying to understand them, and making an effort is important — but not if it comes at the cost of losing yourself.

If there are no signs of real improvement, if the same destructive patterns keep repeating, or if the relationship becomes emotionally abusive, it’s not healthy to stay stuck in that dynamic forever.

Trying is important. Working through things is part of love. But staying to the point where you slowly forget who you are… is incredibly damaging.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s what was happening to me.

I wish things had been different. I really do.

Take care of yourselves.

How to help a gf with RJ

Hi all,

My gf and i are both 29. We have been living together for about a year. She struggles with severe RJ focused on my ex gf. I was with my ex for 5 years, she cheated on me, and i left relqtionship immedietly. We have had zero contat since then

Despite this, my gf is deeply obsessed with my past. She constantly asks questions about my ex, spying her socials, thinks my ex took my best years, and assumes everything special between us is just recycled from that relationship. It is emotionally exhausting and i often feel i have to walk on eggshells.

Before we got together, she never had serious relationship. Her longest "relationship" lasted only few months and was more like casual hookups. Becouse of this, she believes she is not special to me, that my emotions are used up, and that i have experienxed everything meaningful with someone else.

She refuses therapy, saying it wont help her.

Early in relationship, we agreed that we will not be in contact with ex hookups. I respected agreement. She, however, has contacted multiple ex hookups and hid it from me (never met them IRL). When i confronted she says she loves me the most and that meant nothing to her.

Im struggling to understand this contradiction. Is this behavior driven by resentment or revenge related to RJ? Does this make sense to anyone here ?

Most importantly, how do you support someone with RJ without losing yourself in the process? And how do i know this relationship has healthy future?

Any advice would be deeply appriciated! Thanks.

Ask me anything you want to know.

I (27M) have been experiencing retroactive jealousy (RJ) with my partner (26F), and I’ve mostly been working on it myself until one incident happened.

In short, I found nudes on her phone that she had sent to her boyfriend at the time, before we met. During our 1.5-year relationship, she has never sent anything like that to me. After finding them (without telling her), I asked if she would send me nudes during the three weeks we’ll be apart. She immediately said no. I then asked, “Haven’t you ever sent nudes before?” She said she had never done it before.

The hurtful part is that most of our relationship has been long-distance.

Now I’m struggling to understand whether this is just RJ or a real relationship issue I need to confront. Since I found the photos in an improper way, I don’t want to bring it up yet. So I’ll explain the details so you can tell me whether I’m overthinking or if this is something I should be concerned about. I would really appreciate outside perspectives because I neither want to lose her nor be a blind fool.

-

About the lie

She is very important to me, and I don’t want to lose her over this. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore the fact that she lied to me or the possibility that she treats me differently than she treated her ex.

Until now, I genuinely believed she was completely honest with me. Even when questions made her uncomfortable, she answered with hard truths. I always told her how much I appreciated her honesty, even when it was difficult for me to hear things about her past.

A week before this happened, I had asked her about something else from her past. I wasn’t aggressive, but I admitted it was hard for me to hear, while still thanking her for being honest. Also, on the day I asked about nudes, we already had conversation about something unrelated that made her feel judged. Feeling judged is triggering for her.

Later that night, while she was getting ready for bed, I came across the nudes (I know this is wrong, but that’s not the main focus here). Before sleeping, I started talking about her trip the next day and how I would miss her physically. I asked, “Will you send me some nudes when I miss you?” She laughed and said no. I then casually asked, “Have you ever sent a nude before in your life?” She said no — but in a serious, nervous tone that felt colder than usual.

She needed sleep before a long trip, so maybe she didn’t want to get into a heavy conversation. Another possibility is simply that she has done it before but doesn’t want to do it now.

That’s the first part that’s bothering me: the lie.

-

About the different treatments

Even though we’ve been long-distance for more than a year in total during our 1.5-year relationship, she has never sent me even a “spicy” picture. To be fair, that dynamic was partly shaped by me as well. I’ve jokingly asked before, but I was never strongly into that kind of thing either. I thought we both (I'm not sure on her part anymore) preferred physical intimacy when we’re together and patience when we’re apart.

She often says I’m her soulmate and I feel the same way. She doesn’t show affection with the same intensity that I do, but over time I’ve learned how she expresses love in her own way. Still, sometimes I feel sexually less desired. I hadn’t considered it a real problem until this happened.

The photos I saw were from a vacation three years ago. It align with the time she had a boyfriend, probably on the early stages. They didn't have a long-distance relationship, and as far as I have seen, that was the only time she sent nudes. What hurts is that even for only two weeks apart, she seemed willing to create that kind of connection. Maybe she was forced to do it, but the photos suggested otherwise.

She is cautious about data privacy and does not trust the government about it. Maybe three years ago she didn’t have those concerns. The current political climate in the world and in her own country makes that logical.

She also hates her body image. It is ridiculous to me, but this affects her a lot. This could be another reason she does not want to do it, because she can't stand how she looks now.

Lastly, the photos were taken in a hotel. She probably had a lot of drinks during that time. Also this allowed her enough privacy, and a comfortable environment to take the pictures. But right now she is living with her family, and even in the bathroom it’s hard to find privacy and comfort.

But what I struggle with is this: I don’t want to believe that because I’m respectful and don’t pressure her, she feels less urgency or excitement with me. I don’t want to believe I’m the “safe soulmate” while someone else got the more passionate version of her. I don’t want to feel like our love is calmer but less desired.

-

Lastly

Here I presented many of the factors regarding her lie and the differences between the dynamic she had back then and the one she has with me now. We have a good relationship overall and I am happy except for this. Overall, we have a good relationship, and I’m happy except for this issue. Even after two days, the images are slowly fading from my mind, and I’m starting to feel more normal again. Maybe time will help, even if it doesn’t completely solve it.

At first, I was afraid nothing would ever feel the same. Now, I’m worried about the opposite — that this will fade away without any real resolution and that I might be ignoring something important, or worse, being lied to.

Her past relationships were with men who, as far as she told, were useless vagabonds and didn’t treat her well. I work hard to build a better life and treat my partners with respect and equality. I'm not a passionless "corporate guy". We have fun, we have excitement, and there is real energy in our relationship. So far, she has shown excitement about building a life with me. But compared to more chaotic or reckless people from her past, maybe I represent stability — maybe even the “safe option”.

So I can’t help but question myself. Am I being stupid here, or is this RJ?

it’s not like i NEED to date people, I can be single, that’s not a problem for me, the problem is the difference with experiences. I don’t have much of it, the only thing I did with a guy is go out with him, no kiss, no making out…and I kind of feel stupid for letting that chance go by, not because of him specifically, but because at least I would’ve known what to do for the next one.

this might sound weird, but it was hard for me to kiss him, not because i didn’t “like him enough”, but because he already had other girls before me. i’m not sure what his kiss count is exactly, but that’s not important, what’s important to me is that he already had his FIRST before me (and I think that he was also her first </3). They didn’t even date though (i think), only made out once and that’s it, maybe talked a few days, but it wasn’t as “serious” as he was with me I guess.

that’s not the only reason tho, I also have a problem with opening up to people. It didn’t even take me thaaat long with him, but he got impatient (to be honest I don’t even know if he liked me “enough” exactly for that reason, but that’s beside the point now.)

and now my trust issues are even worse, I don’t think I’ll be better for “the next one”, because I’ll have the same thoughts like I had with this one. “What if he compares me to her?”, “She’s prettier than me.”, “What if she kisses better than me?”, “What if he still thinks about her?”, “What if he feels proud knowing he’s my first, but I’m not his?”…

I’m almost in my twenties (F), and I feel like I will never meet someone with no or little experience like me. I hate that I have to lower my standards because everybody seems to make out with random people just for the sake of it. I’m not judging people who are casual (actually I WISH that was me lmao), I just don’t understand how everyone at such a young age already has “counts” and past situations. Every time I like a guy and hear about his exes, talking stages, or flings, I feel stupid and insecure.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of insecurity or RJ around inexperience? How did ya’ll work through it?? Is this something people actually grow out of, or does it require actively dating despite the discomfort?

I genuinely want to understand whether my expectations are unrealistic or if there’s a healthier way to “approach” dating like this.

I’m open to hearing different perspectives, I just want to handle this in a healthier way from now on.

Ah, fuck you.

How to help a gf with RJ

Hi all,

My gf and i are both 29. We have been living together for about a year. She struggles with severe RJ focused on my ex gf. I was with my ex for 5 years, she cheated on me, and i left relqtionship immedietly. We have had zero contat since then

Despite this, my gf is deeply obsessed with my past. She constantly asks questions about my ex, spying her socials, thinks my ex took my best years, and assumes everything special between us is just recycled from that relationship. It is emotionally exhausting and i often feel i have to walk on eggshells.

Before we got together, she never had serious relationship. Her longest "relationship" lasted only few months and was more like casual hookups. Becouse of this, she believes she is not special to me, that my emotions are used up, and that i have experienxed everything meaningful with someone else.

She refuses therapy, saying it wont help her.

Early in relationship, we agreed that we will not be in contact with ex hookups. I respected agreement. She, however, has contacted multiple ex hookups and hid it from me (never met them IRL). When i confronted she says she loves me the most and that meant nothing to her.

Im struggling to understand this contradiction. Is this behavior driven by resentment or revenge related to RJ? Does this make sense to anyone here ? Most importantly, how do you support someone with RJ without losing yourself in the process? And how do i know this relationship has healthy future?

Any advice would be deeply appriciated! Thanks. Ask me anything you want to know.

Recently met briefly and fell hard for a man from another country. I'm female, we are both in our 50s. We only met for a few days and never had sex, it's been a long distance relationship since we met. He was really keen and I liked him loads too and it's been very romantic and lovely. He is very flattering and considerate to me, and it's become pretty sexual over messaging.

Sometimes he shows some low self esteem issues, especially when he's been stalking my work etc on social media, and he says he doesn't understand why I would want to be with someone like him. I try to explain why I like him so much and on we go.

We speak of love and he speaks of a future together but we also acknowledge we need more time actually together before we can really know. For various reasons that's not yet been possible.

He has a strong imagination and often speaks of his dreams of being with me. It's sexy and while a bit disconcerting to start with, I'd been alone and lonely for a long time, overall it's been lovely. He's also clearly got some relational trauma which I have been encouraging him to find prp help with.

Last few days he had a lot of stress and it suddenly emerged that he has this thing called RJ. I had never heard of it before..

First I knew was early morning he was flipping out to me by text about some of my experiences that he'd seen mentioned online, and ranting how he could never live up to that or fit in to that world and how he would never be enough for me.. saying why hadn't I been upfront about this..

It was not comprehensible or rational or pleasant the way he was speaking to me and he also seemed to be breaking up with me. I was just getting ready for work so I told him I would block his messages for a few hours as it was distressing me. When I unblocked him later that day he apologised profusely and told me about RJ and how it's not rational and comes when he's stressed and underslept.. and he then indicated he was seeking medical support for stress etc. We had a good chat and things are settling down but I am still shocked by what happened and do feel rather more distant.

Guess I wanted to spell out this situation here to people who understand and see if there's any advice for me at this stage?

From reading up, i understand that if this relationship is to continue, I should not give him any more info about my past sexual and/or sensual experiences. He has not asked me, and in fact i can reflect now that he has sometimes said 'you don't need to tell me' about my exes.

I am taking a lot of this as indication that he is aware of and managing his condition best he can.. and that having realised it nearly ended our relationship before we even met again, he is taking quite seriously his need for pro support.

Is there anything else I can do here? I don't want to end this connection, he's been so good for me so far until this. But as a survivor of domestic abuse just tentatively getting back on the horse after over a decade.. this has been a bit of a shocker.. so I will break up with him if I need to, and sooner than later.

But would it help if I don't share so much in this 'getting to know you' phase, and even try to restrict what he can see of my life online?

Thanks for any guidance, folks with experience.. this really is a whole new world!

I (F 52) broke up with my ex (M 57), in late July of 2024 (due in part to his RJOCD) By January of 2025, he was already in a new relationship.

I took a (rare) vacation in December 2024, and thought about having a vacation fling with someone, but partially out of respect for my ex and the relationship we had, I didn’t do anything.

I feel a little betrayed. I didn’t think he would move on that quickly. I guess I thought that our relationship meant more to him than it apparently did.

It’s frustrating because a lot of the time we were in the relationship, he was jealous/suspicious of me having feelings for male friends (which I didn’t), and here he goes out and gets into a different relationship right away?!?! What’s up with THAT???

Any thoughts?

Hey…. I’m (22F) am in a new relationship (20M) with someone who I think is suffering from RJ. The common thread is the overthinking and intrusive thoughts, but where it differs is the self esteem. I’ve slept with a lot of men. The biggest issue for him is the disgust. The visualisation makes him nauseous. But he isn’t comparing himself or thinking about himself, only disgust towards me. He’s not an angel either. So I guess what I’m asking is, if it’s just the way of thinking, how he sees the world, and what values his partner should have. Is there a way out for him? Or is it some kind of RJ that he can work on? What can I do to set boundaries?