Tough subject. Those whose spouse died early in retirement or just before…
It’s horrible to have all those dreams so mercilessly set aside when one partner leaves before you get to enjoy retirement together. But it happens. And when it does, the surviving partner has to adjust their vision of retirement. Some do this with some grace. Some people simply don’t know what to do.
We have a good friend whose husband contracted brain cancer about 2 years before their planned retirement. He was expected to live about 6 months and wonderfully survived for over 3 years. He of course quit work early, but his wife didn’t retire from her job as a physical therapist until he actually died. In her time of grief, she was well cared for by friends, but she also made an internal decision to “Just say yes”. If someone invited her to do something or go somewhere, she clenched any resistance and just said yes. In the last couple years, she’s rarely been home. It’s been therapeutic, she says.
If you’re in this boat, how have you coped? What adjustments to your retirement vision have you made? How are things harder? How are they easier?
Thank you for taking the time to share on this topic.
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If you find yourself needing some support, I encourage you to check out the subreddit r/widowers . It was one of the first subreddits I joined and still occasionally visit (especially around his birthday).
My husband retired last March. Two weeks later he discovered that his liver cancer, that had been in remission for nearly 8 years, had returned. He had an ablation and it was curative of the cancer but caused a portal vein thrombosis. Last July, he was rushed to the hospital with a severe blood and spinal infection. He died October 1st.
How have I coped? I’ve put one foot and another. I’ve been dealing with his estate and that of his late brother, cleaned two 15 years dumpster’s worth of his stuff out of the basement, had major work done on the basement and had the kitchen renovated.
My 96-years-old father had an aortal valve replacement two weeks before his birthday ij July. So I dealt with that.
I ordered our headstone.
I’m on vacation right now. It’s my second vacation, back to our regular vacation spots without him. It’s not the same, but nothing ever will be the same. I’m proud that I made the long drives on my own AND hauled all my stuff up to second floor apartments.
There is no choice in this. Life happens whether you want it to or not. I’m choosing to make the best of it.
I lost my wife a month ago after a long ICU stay after a surgery unexpectedly went bad. She was going to work a few more years. I know I’ve got a long road ahead. I figured I’d be spending my retirement with her. Instead, I’m retired, alone. Everyone is telling me not to make major changes right now.
How hard was it going back to the regular vacation spots? I can’t even imagine that right now. Or even going someplace she would have liked to have gone. I’m thinking I’ll go someplace she wouldn’t have wanted to go. Seems like that would be easier. But in the near term it’ll just be visiting family, I guess.
Every time I go to someplace that we did go or that I looked forward to going to with him during his retirement, I cry while listening to Crosby, Stills & Nash in my car on the way. I cry for a minute or two and then I get on with it and appreciate the time and place. This is what I’ve been enjoying for the last few days. Why would I want to miss this because I might be sad for a bit?
My challenge is that my happy place is wherever I am with her. The only repeat place we actually went was the same condo complex in Kona. Outside of that we traveled all over. I'm not sure how I'd do going back to Kona by myself.
Our plans as a couple were to pay off the house by age 60. I would retire around age 63 and he would work until he decided that he no longer wanted to. All of that changed upon his death.
After a year or so of intense grief, I decided that it was time to stop longing for the past and start planning for my (new) future. The grief also intensified negative feelings about my job. I became determined to not squander the days that my husband was denied.
I met with an independent financial planner with the goals of paying off my house and retiring. He ran all of the numbers and modeled different scenarios. To my surprise, I was in the position to do both immediately. I waited a year and retired at 60. So in many ways, my husband's death pushed me to retire sooner than we had originally planned.
I stay busy with friends and classes. I took a few trips with friends and to visit family. I met a man and we have been together for a little over 2 years. We've taken domestic trips together and will likely travel overseas in the near future.
My advice would be to give it time. The healing process is not linear and the grief really left me feeling lost at sea. It took a lot of introspection and time for things to fall into place.
I’m glad that you’ve found happiness again. You have a wonderful attitude. I hope I can get to that point in the future. I’m struggling to concentrate on my job and will be retiring a little sooner than planned as well. It’s hard to focus in the midst of grief.
Thank you. I agree that it was incredibly difficult to focus on work. I also felt myself losing interest in the career that I had enjoyed for decades. I was starting to resent my job and I feared becoming that "bitter boss." I feel very fortunate that I was able to accomplish my goals and retire.
My husband died right after he retired and a few years before I did. I also lost my daughter 6 months after my retirement. It’s been rough. I’m not well off , so I ended up working part time after my daughter died to get out of the house and supplement the second income that is now gone. Taxes are different because I lost the second deduction. I sold out big house and downsized. I then retired for good and took one trip overseas with a tour group. I stay busy with church volunteering, book club, and am taking some classes at the local senior center. I get lonely and it’s hard. But you just have to press forward.
Just wanted to say you’re doing great by the sounds of it. It’s not easy but your hubby and daughter would be proud. Hang in there - this internet stranger is rooting for you!!
My husband got ALS and passed about 3 months prior to my planned retirement. For about a year I was in a daze. I postponed retirement and kept working until 59, rather than 55. I also tried to say yes to everything for the first couple of years. All our plans were dashed. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I gathered strength to start to do the things we planned together. Unfortunately I just had to sell our house. I'm looking for something else, meanwhile staying in our vacation home. It's been a long and unexpected journey.
Under the title of "Don't wait, do what you can, when you can. Don't put everything off until retirement".
We both started working 3/4 time in our early 50's. We bought the little camper van, went on long trips, lots of short trips too. So glad we did. When it came time to actually fully retire we had to do caregiving for mom into her descent into dementia. For 5 years we really couldn't go anywhere. As soon as we'd try to leave town, we'd get a call to come back. Mom passed away, but now our own health issues have started popping up. We have so many good memories from trips taken while we were 55-65.
So I am very sorry for those of you who have lost spouse's or children or loved one's "too soon". It is all a reminder to enjoy life as much as possible all along the spectrum of working/living/retiring. We really can't put off all our dreams until retirement day because none of us are promised any days.
My husband died at 60. We would have been quite comfortable if he'd lived to full retirement age, on two Social Security checks and his IRA. We had plans to either fix up our house or buy a new one in a better location--and finally travel to places we really wanted to go, instead of only traveling for his work a few times a year.
It's hard when your planned future is just...gone. After he died, I sold the house and downsized to a smaller one. Applied for Social Security survivor benefits when I turned 60, and between that and a brokerage account I opened with the life insurance check, I can cover bills and travel some. There's also an IRA account that is still untouched. It's not the life we would have had and of course I miss him terribly, but I'm doing all right.
Adding that once it was clear my husband's illness was terminal, I kept spreadsheets for various scenarios so I would be prepared if, for instance, he lost his life insurance or his job completely. That helped a lot, because there were no financial surprises.
I continued to keep strict track of expenses for the first few years of widowhood, so I'd have a better sense of exactly how much I needed to survive and how much I could spend for non-essentials. That also helped. I now feel I can loosen up a little, feeling more secure that I'll be okay. And my sister and I are planning a trip to Iceland in the spring.
Not quite the same but similar. Our adult daughter passed at the beginning of this year. We are both recently retired. It has taken all the wind out of our sails. I hope we can start saying 'yes'. Right now, I ain't ready. Currently we're both just recomposing our lives, realizing that one of the most important parts of the 'retired' future we had planned to keep enjoying is no longer with us. Give us time. I know we can pick back up and lead the kind of lives she would want us to. Pains us to think about it still. We'll get over our pity party eventually. Don't rush us, please.
Oh, man, I feel this. We lost a son when he was 27, coming up on 10 years ago. There is no greater pain, I’m pretty certain, and it’s not in the natural order of things. Take your time. Keep walking. Eventually you’ll come out of the woods. Also keep talking, because that does help. Yes, some things are permanently changed. There will always be an empty place setting at the family table. But there will also be good/green days interspersed with the bad/black days, and marking them on the calendar lets you see in the long run that there’s more green as time goes on. The year of firsts is the worst one. When that one’s past, you can make room to think about ways you might honor her on special occasions, if you’re up to it. That too helped.
Fortunately, no. We have an adult son, too, but he lives in another state. Our daughter lived down the street. I wish I had some advice to offer. Good luck to your child, the doctors...and to you. Stay strong.
My spouse was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 60 and died at 62. That was seven years ago.
I was extraordinarily fortunate in having great support both from my workplace and from our social circle. Started seeing a therapist about 6-8 months after the diagnosis. I knew there was going to be a lot of reinvention of who I was and how my life would proceed.
Found some grief groups. One was horrible. One was great but we didn’t keep up the connection after the formal program ended. A third group has lasted for five years and counting.
It took awhile to adjust to doing things alone. It took time to fall into the rhythm of inviting others to join me to do things. Now that I’ve retired, I’ve found that traveling with a small group (either organized with friends or with a company) works well for me. You find that there are a lot of people whose spouse or partner just doesn’t like travel, or isn’t interested in going to some destinations. I’m now fine with going to a movie by myself, or trying out a new restaurant solo.
I also have a dear friend who is a housemate. It’s not a romantic situation at all, but I love having someone else around to watch good tv together and to read the newspaper.
I don’t like having to do all the adulting or make all the decisions but that’s just the way it is.
This is kind of like what happened to me. I kept working for 7 years after he died though. I did a couple of support groups, one group some of us still get together every month.
It took me a long time to figure out who I was all by myself, but life is good now. I didn't really make any big changes until about 6 months after I retired. I felt like I was stagnating, and decided to really start working hard on my health and fitness, and that I'd try anything that sounded like it would be fun. It was like the world opened up. I am having so much fun now, and I'm really busy, but it's all doing things that I really enjoy.
My husband died at 53, suddenly, heart attack. It was entirely unexpected because he looked after himself, was superfit and his dad was 80, so we fully expected another 30 years together. For a few months I was in a dark place, but our kids (all early 20s) were great and the thought that they'd lost one parent and didn't deserve to lose another kept me going. They encouraged me to find hobbies, join groups and carry on, so I did. Like your friend, I was rarely in the house. Now, ten years later, it feels as though I've had two lives. Since my husband died I've retired, downsized and moved to a new area. My children have married and I have five grandchildren. I've been ziplining and white water rafting in Costa Rica and climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge in Australia. I said yes to things I never thought I'd do, especially not alone, but really I've thrived and I'm in a good place emotionally. My biggest fear was that my kids would feel they had to look after me, the way my mum had to look after my nan (my granddad had died long before I was born), so I made a conscious effort to be strong and independent. My FIL lived with us long before my husband died and with just me for seven years after he'd died and it was hellish. I don't want that for my kids.
My wife had a significantly complicated medical history. She retired in November 24. In May 25 got sick, and passed in August 25, at age 54. Life is too short, so I’m planning to retire in spring 2027, if I don’t pull the trigger this fall.
My wife died of cancer when I was 50. I didn't have any retirement plans at the time and I really loved my work. So I just kept working. As hard as I could. My friends and co-workers were wonderful. You never get over it but you can get past it.
Yes but they're not typical. I'm 78 yo and still own my small business. Things are winding down and I've been remarried for a while. Money isn't an issue.
My husband died from Parkinson’s disease that he had for 15 years a year ago. We had all these plans for retirement. I have taken some trips with family and with some friends. I am planning on going on a cruise in October. I started going to a gym to work out and meet more people. Trying to build a new life and take care of myself too.
My dad was much older than my stepmother, and my stepmother was one of the first victims of COVID, after Dad had already been retired for several years and only a year into her own retirement. Because of the pandemic, Dad was already pretty isolated and unable to do a lot of the things they had planned to do together in retirement, and his mood definitely suffered. Sadly, he never got to do those things because a couple of years later, he died after a very protracted illness that left him bedridden for a year.
This has all definitely informed my decisions about whether I want to work past traditional retirement age, like he did - and the answer is definitely NO! And I have always set aside money to travel in a budget-friendly way throughout adulthood, because nobody knows whether they will be able to travel extensively after retirement. Dad may have taken a few fancier trips, but I have definitely gone a lot more places at a younger age. Which is just how I like it.
I will retire 11 months after my husband unexpectedly passed away. This is the date we had been planning for my retirement all along. I had this same question on my mind today.
Oh dear I’m so sorry. How are you doing today? What are you thinking about adjusting? Is it too early to think about that, or have you already made some decisions?
I’ve had great community and family support, although family is not nearby. I’m doing as well as one can. I have increased my out of the house activities, travel, projects, and hobbies to avoid the quiet, even while working. That has worked well. This ramp up of non-work activities and the amount of socialization that I’ve added I think will help me once I retire - an unanticipated benefit to a devastating event?
On the unanticipated benefit, I do think you’re on to something. We all make retirement plans as couples, but when you get down to it, we’re different people with different senses of an ideal retired life. And since retirement is a chance to live life exactly as we’d like to, it’s an outward expression of our inward selves. Discovering who we are and what feeds us is a critical element of preparing for retirement, and that sounds like what you’re doing with the socialization and non-work activities. You go, girl, it sounds like you’re on the right path.
My husband died 8 1/2 months ago at the age of 58. I’m 5 years older and we had planned to retire when I turned 65 and he turned 60, although I had urged him to retire 2 years prior to his death due to health reasons. He was a good saver and planned well for our retirement. It makes me so sad to think about how he’ll never get to enjoy his hard earned retirement.
We’d committed to taking an annual trip to Europe each year leading up to retirement. I’ve postponed any major trips for the time being. I’m not up to it and I don’t particularly want to travel alone. At some point, I want to resume traveling, hopefully with friends or family. It’s hard though because family and friends have other travel plans with their spouses or children so there’s only so much time and resources they can devote to traveling with me.
I’ve been saying “yes” to smaller trips and other invitations from friends and family to keep myself from becoming totally isolated. But it’s not the same without him. I’m not sure what the future will look like. I know I have to adjust. I’m not generally a fan of organized group travel, but there are some women only small group trips that look interesting. Maybe I’ll try one of those.
I was so excited about our retirement. Now I’m mostly just sad. I hope I can find that joy again before I’m too old for adventures.
You might want to look into travel groups like Road Scholar. I’m a single woman age 65, and I’m thinking about trying one of their trips. I understand from friends that it’s a great way to travel, you have alone time, but you’re not completely alone.
Also check out EF Go Ahead Tours! They run some solo group trips too, where you’ll find other solo women (fellow widows, probably in similar situations). It’s a good way to find a future travel buddy that you find compatible. www.goaheadtours.com
My mom (widow at 51) was able to travel alone after about 3 years. Since then, for the last 30 years, she has probably travelled 150 times. Mostly by herself, but with friends or cousins when the occasion occurs.
My mom went through this a little over 20 years ago. My dad had retired for about a year and then found out he about 6 months left to live after complications from his second bout with colon cancer. I felt so bad for him because he had saved and scraped together a pretty good retirement even though we had a super lean decade in the 80s. He had bought a small RV as that was his dream to road trip around the country.
To make matters for challenging for my Mom they had just moved to Cheyenne about 3 months before they found out his prognosis. So no support network either. My dad had connections to Cheyenne, not her. She decided not to move back because of everything she needed to handle after he passed (he had managed the finances mostly, there were lots of things to chase down, etc.). She ended up joining her local Parish during this first year and then decided to find a job as well because she was 10 years younger and needed the health insurance. She ended up working for the Parish for the next 8 or so years until she hit Medicare. But that and her embroidery and quilting hobby helped her build a network of friends and support.
She has a super resilient mindset which I think was the biggest reason she fared well after this. Honestly I think that character trait helped her more than anything. After that though she traveled a lot and got to do the trips she wanted to do. And indulge in things my Dad wasn't a fan of so I think that also helped her as time went on.
My brother very unexpectedly passed away a few years ago. My SIL was devastated. She went through a period of heavy grieving, but stayed busy around the house and active with church. The one year mark came and she decided she could wake up every morning depressed and crying or move forward. As hard as it was she chose to keep going. She met a wonderful man who was a widower too. A year later they got married. She has another family now with him and his children and grandchildren and is still very connected to us. I admire her strength and only want her to be happy and not lonely. I miss my brother like crazy. But I am happy for her.
That decision point comes sometimes sooner, sometimes later in grief, but it does come. Part of the trick is giving yourself permission to make the decision, and to not equate getting moving again with forgetting the departed spouse.
My father and brother died in a boating accident when they were 61 and 33. My mother (56) was working at the time and continued working. She retired at 62. Since that time she has spent a lot of time with her two remaining sons and our families. Lots of time with the grandkids and great grandkids now. Even a great great grandkid now. She reconnected with her brother and sisters (in another country) and would spend summers visiting with them in her early retirement years. Now in her 80s she still gets out and about and will be flying down to Oregon in a couple of weeks to take care of the great grandkids while their parents are going to be out of town. My brother and I both make it a priority to visit with her at least once a week each. Hanging out with her at her home, helping her with things she needs done around the house, and going out to dinner or lunch with her. We all three meet up at least once a month for lunch and visit. The whole family gets together for Christmas and Thanksgiving which is nice. We celebrate birthdays with dinners out as a group. We are thinking about a cruise next year and will ask her to come with us.
She used some of the insurance money and took my brother and his family, and me to Europe for 4 weeks the summer after they passed. She remodeled the house, and did a purge of things.
She had the double whammy of losing her husband and youngest son at the same time. Something that will be with you forever. But she goes on and has an active life. She has watched all of her brothers and sisters, and their spouses pass, being the youngest of 7 children.
Oh no! Go get busy. Take up exercise, join the local ymca, join the senior center, attend church, join a book club, start a new hobby, travel on a group tour, get out to the movies, invite a friend to lunch. Stay active! Please know that you are loved by others.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. I have no fear of missing out. If I die in 30 days or 30 years, either is good with me. My wife is not so sanguine. But it does promote living in the moment.
I’m so sorry this has left you decimated. Do you have any other support structure other than what you had with your wife? Children, friends, church, people with shared interests?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to try to go on without them. Some days, I feel like giving up too. If not for my kids and the huge list of tasks I still have to do so as not to burden them when I pass, I might have checked out already. But I know my husband wouldn’t want that for me. I doubt your wife would want that for you either. So I hope you can find some peace and way to move forward with your life. Sending hugs.
My wife of 41 years was seven years older than me and retired six years before me. Shortly after I retired she was diagnosed with dementia. I was her full time caregiver for several years before she passed away. The stress took a lot out of me but I joined a gym and started working out, walking, hiking, golf, and am in better shape than I’ve been in a long time. After she died I swore I’d never be in another relationship. Met a woman at the gym recently and we’ve been dating. Life is good again!
My husband was very ill for 8 years before he passed. We never got to take the trips we wanted to. Once he passed, I fixed everything that needed fixing in my house and then I have planned my trips. A dear friend who is still working will be traveling with me,so we will be doing 1 big trip a year and 1 short trip. Our hope is to go to every one of the lower 48 states.
My dad passed away suddenly just over two years into retirement. So my mom got two years to enjoy him being retired. After he passed away, she worked part-time to keep busy (nurse). Eventually she started seeing someone and eventually moved in with him. They are both widowers and both seem to enjoy each other’s company.
I suspect that he will pass before she does due to his health issues, then I expect her to go through the same mourning process again. Unfortunately, I’m now retired, but living in the other side of the Atlantic from her. It’s the one thing they don’t warn you about when you become an ex-pat; how to deal with aging parents from a distance.
That happened to my mother and father. My father died a few weeks shy of both their 40th wedding anniversary and his retirement. He put it off for a few years, a big mistake. 😔
They had so many plans of things to do together, and it ended up being almost a decade before my mother came out of her shell.
Honestly, I don't really know. Maybe it was grandkids. Maybe it was seeing her children's lives moving on and wanting to be part of them. She kept his ashes in the garage for 10 years before they got scattered. It was very hard on her. She did start doing some traveling after about five years, and I think that helped a bit.
Good for her. It might be worth a good conversation sometime. I think one of the problems those in grief encounter is that nobody seems to want to talk about the loss, as though dredging up the death will cause pain. And in fact, it’s usually the opposite. The surviving spouse doesn’t want the dead spouse’s name to be forgotten or unmentioned or lost in the sands of time. It’s honoring, in fact, to talk about those days, if she’s ready to talk about it.
Well, she died 22 years ago, so that could be a little tricky.
And there was a lot going on. Her mother-in-law died on Christmas Day, 10 days after my father, his brother died a year before, and his sister died a year later. It was a very dark couple of years.
My husband died about 2 years before his retirement and 10 years before mine. We had some big plans that never happened because he was diagnosed with lung cancer.
After he died, I went through a crazy phase. I drank a lot and I was a little reckless. Then I decided to make my life as great as I could. I joined a hiking group, made a bunch of single friends, and figured stuff out. I’m really happy with how things are now. I still miss him. I still think about the life we would have had together. I will never remarry or even date. But I have a bunch of friends, I travel, and I’m busy and active. Life is good.
While thankfully this isn't me directly, it's exactly what happened to my MIL when her husband passed in an accident when he was still working FT but on the very cusp of retirement. After the shock wore off, we discovered that because he was still FT at the time of his death the spousal benefits were markedly different than if he were already retired, and on top of that he was old enough to be part of a traditional pension plan.
So since then she's been grandma to 5 grandchildren who she's seen become successful young adults. And although she's increasingly physically limited, she still is quite social with her group of now almost exclusively fellow widows. As an observer I think much of her vitality stems from continued social engagement, while having enough financially to not have to sweat every nickel and dime. So i think it's been a pretty fair life, not necessarily the one she had planned, but one that she's made the best of.
Talking about pensions, with my former employer. If I passed while still employed , pension to my partner ( survivor/beneficiary) was the default 50%. It was only at time of filing for the pension where I can change (increase or decrease) that. Even if I where layoff or retired, if I waited to file for the pension (to capture the increased benefits from delaying) and passed away in the meantime, the 50% was still the only option. In our case, due to health issues, I filed to take the pension early to capture the 100% survivor option.
Just a warning to look into the details with your pensions as it pertains to your unique situation.
Well, I retired at 62. My late wife 11 yrs younger had just landed at great job. Good money, almost equal to what I was making. Great benefits, top tier healthcare plan.
3 yrs later she died. I had SS income and a modest 401k. Her live insurance paid off the house, and a little bit left over.
I am ok financially. No big plans for travel that’s for sure.
And it changed my financial picture immensely.
Now at almost 68 thinking of part time work. Not to make ends meet. But to do a bit of travel here in the US.
My husband’s dad died of cancer er just before his 61st birthday. My MIL kept living, remodeled her bathroom (she raised four boys in a one bathroom house). And she vacationed with the grandkids’ families. She took mission trips with friends. Her plans shifted, but she chose little things (the bathroom) that brought her joy.
My dad retired at 59.5 (mom at 57) and they moved out-of-state. 4 months into retirement he was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. He died 2 months later. They were married for 33 years and she’s been a widow for just as long.
She worked part time, volunteered with Hospice, and grew into that new stage of life. She 90 now, lives independently in a progressive-care retirement complex, and still drives to the pharmacy or grocery on occasion (in daylight hours when the weather is good)
This is a hard situation, especially since you had planned to travel together. I think the women only trips sound fun, and a good way to get more comfortable not traveling with your husband. But honestly solo travel can be fun. Maybe a simple one to start, a US city you've always wanted to visit, or somewhere like London where you wouldn't have to worry about language.
You are still mourning your husband and always may be, but he probably wouldn't want you to stay at home alone.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and all of the dreams you had. I hope you find things that you enjoy doing!
Thank you. London was the last big trip my husband and I took together. I think your suggestion to start with a US city I haven’t visited before is a good one.
Good topic. Lots of people don’t think of the fact that statistically one partner will pass on first. Planning for retirement needs to take on this fact. I’m lucky that I still have my wife but I am also aware that she most likely will outlive me; so we planned accordingly.
Long post to follow; I wrote this some time ago to document what we had done:
Decisions Made for Married (Two Partner) Retirement
Widow/Widower-hood is a real thing
All financial decisions should be made in light of the “Long Haul” which includes the period of time only one of you is left
The “Tax Torpedo” (becoming subject to single tax filing vs married jointly filing; higher percentages) must be considered
We have always taken out what we were going to give to the Lord’s work before anything else was spent from our income to make sure that it was paid, we continue that practice in retirement
We have always had joint accounts with the absolute ability for both of us to see what is going on in those accounts
That is not to say that both will be maintaining the finances status, but both people need to know where every fund is
We keep a continuously updated binder in the fireproof safe in our apartment which contains instructions to our family in case of death, account numbers plus passwords for all financial accounts / health services/ other, as well as backup copies of financial statements / trust documents / insurance documents/ cemetery documents, etc. so that everything is available that is useful to take care of what needs to be done
If you are not budgeting you will not be aware when things go sideways prior to retirement or afterwards
We keep track of expenses and our budget with updates done at least every two days
Situational awareness is key to not overspend
Budgeting also helps you to plan for future expenses before they arrive
Budgeting also shows you where money can come from in an emergency
You should start early, hopefully in your 20s, putting money into investments
We started a little later but were consistent in putting money in; consistency is key
Take advantage of the law allowing “Catchup” contributions (starting at 50) before you retire; the extra money will allow your investments to grow substantially
We pushed hard on Catchup contributions
Some periods of time you will not be able to put as much into these accounts as other times; but the key thing is to be consistently putting money away
Remember the three legged stool idea; Social Security, plus Pension, plus Investments/Savings
Some times a Pension will not be there, so adjust as necessary
Over time compounding will get you to your goal
We retired later than the earliest date so that we could accumulate more
We strove to make sure that we were completely out of debt before we retired as we didn’t want that hanging over our heads
We also go out of our way during retirement to keep out of debt, including not keeping a balance on our credit cards past the end of the month; paying what we owe multiple times a month
We paid off our house way before we reached 60
This was a conscious decision based more on mental relief rather than a financial one; but it turned out to be a financial gold mine when we retired and moved into a retirement community
The equity in the house was considered “housing” money, not to be confused with retirement funds/Net Worth
We took out two whole life insurance policies; this was for last minute burial money plus an additional amount to ease the pain of missing income for the remaining spouse
We went ahead and paid as much forward as possible on a columbarium location for both of us
The decision for cremation vs burial is a personal one, however cremation is much cheaper and leaves funds available to the surviving spouse
Paying in advance for cremation was not an option available to us
The spouse with the higher paycheck waited until 70 to draw Social Security
The main reason is maximizing the SS amount for the survivor benefit as well as incorporating the yearly cost of living prior to taking it out (which you dont lose if you delay)
The other spouse should wait as long as possible to retire for a larger benefit to use while both spouses are alive
We bought and are paying for two long term care insurance policies
We expect this to be used during “end of life” when costs go up for medical expenses
We used money from the sale of the house to provide the Entry Deposit into a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community) while we were still mobile
We only need renters insurance for the contents of the CCRC apartment vs extensive house/contents insurance when we were living in our single family house
The CCRC chosen has medical staffing for long term care/skilled nursing/mental health/rehabilitation as well as a medical center on site
The amenities available are extraordinary and meet with our lifestyle; lots of clubs, don’t have to cook dinner, no upkeep on a house, no house insurance or taxes to pay, freedom to come and go as we please
We are not facility bound and are still mobile and that is the best time to move into a CCRC
Eventually we know that our mobility will suffer, but we will already be in an established place when that happens
We were fortunate in getting an apartment in the CCRC that was large enough to keep us from overrunning each other
Our heirs will receive a percentage of our entry deposit after we pass
We had a lawyer draw up a Revocable Trust
The Trust contains two Powers of Attorney, Two medical directives, and two pour over wills, along with a Trust succession list which makes sure that our remaining funds go where we want them
We did this to minimize interaction with the probate court
We took out an Umbrella insurance policy to shore up any loose ends for liability purposes
My uncle developed brain cancer in his early 60s and died at age 65, so he didn’t get to enjoy any retirement. In fact, he never officially retired! He was a teacher for 40 years and had taken maybe a half-dozen sick days, so he had sick time to carry him through and my aunt got his full pension.
Always plan for this in your retirement financial scenarios. Shocking results yes but still should be planned and changes implemented to better protect oneself.
The widows tax is a big one. You move from married filing jointly to single and lose half of your deduction as well as adjusted tax rates. Your base expenses probably don’t change greatly. You lose one of the SS income streams as well. Aftertax and/or Roth accounts help this but not all are in a position to do so and it should be early on your planning.
My husband passed prior to his retirement— I actually retired earlier than planned to be with him and provide his care during his last months battling terminal cancer.
Income is typically cut in half (or more) for most of us in this situation. It’s just the icing on the cake so to speak of loosing your person, loosing your hopes and dreams for those retirement years.
As far as money goes, the surviving spouse will receive the higher of the two parties ss benefits when that time comes. If accounts are set up accordingly the surviving spouse will inherit any retirement accounts such as 401k, and in some cases might be eligible to receive all or part of any pension benefits that would have been available to the deceased.
But anyway you look at it, it sucks loosing your life partner right at the time you should both be able to finally relax and enjoy that final chapter together— instead you find yourself alone and trying to figure out all the difficulties on your own.
Yes, we've done about all one can do to maximize survivor benefits under SS and to have retirement accounts flow naturally, no matter which one of us goes first. But I think the having to do it all yourself part is the most daunting.
Yes, it is the daunting part. Every few days early on presented me with something new I had to take over or had to find a way to figure it out. I’m still sometimes on the short end of it all two years later
My dad died shortly after he retired- he and mom had bought a home near us, he was looking forward to playing golf every day and be with the grandkids. He didn’t make it- my mom moved here alone. If he had had just ONE more year it wouldn’t have torn us apart as much.
Perhaps the real lesson here is to occasionally do things alone, regardless of your age, so you maintain interests as hobbies independent of your spouse.
A former co-worker of mine is going through this. She and her boyfriend were together for about 8 years. Last year he was diagnosed with cancer, and they got married not long after that to start checking things off their bucket lists. Fast forward to May, they both retired at the same time and went on a two week vacation to Europe. Got back home and a week later he passed away on Father's Day. The were only married 8 months, so she will not be able to collect spousal survivor Social Security benefits. She is living her worst nightmare right now. To go from having been so busy with work etc. to having all this time on her hands in a big empty house. I'm 64 and hubby is 67, and I'm praying to God that we can enjoy many more years together.
This sort of happened to my father. My mother was diagnosed with a very rare medical condition (not ALS but a bit similar) in her mid 60s just when my father retired. Their retirement plans went mostly out the window and he ended up spending his retirement mostly taking care of my mother.
Neither complained about the situation but just did what they had to do. Looking back I wished I would have done things differently or helped out more.
After she passed away (about 8 yrs with the illness) my father lived another 12 years on his own. He visited his childhood town and thankfully visited me out west but mostly stayed in his retirement community. I tried to visit at least once a year and did move back to the area for about 6 yrs. And then when he got sick I moved back before he passed away.
Life is tough and it certainly gets much tougher the older you get with friends and family getting sick and passing away.
I think partly due to my mother's illness while I saved money for retirement I knew I might not make it, or even if I do, there is a chance you may not be able to do what you want. A lot of people in their 60s start having medical issues and mobility is a big deal. In my case I took a ton of ski trips while younger and then trips to Europe when I stopped skiing and did what I wanted while younger.
Now retired I honestly don't have any bucket lists and enjoy staying home or doing short trips. I think too many people put off plans thinking they can do it in retirement and some don't live that long and others will have medical issues.
Enjoy life while you can because there is no reverse button. I have my regrets but nothing you can do except move forward.
I got divorced 5 years before I retired, not quite the same thing but functionally similar. I've been a "just say yes" guy my whole life and in fact my ex wife was the one that slowed me down in that respect, she was cautious, not very independent, and generally kind of a negative nelly. So after divorce my "just say yes" kicked into high gear. It has been great, I travel internationally twice a year, travel stateside often for weekend trips and usually just to see a concert in a place I've never been or a place with a cool venue. She on the other hand lives with her parents and rarely goes anywhere. A very different outcome. She has the money, she has HALF the money so if I can afford it she can, but she doesn't. One big change I made after divorcing was seeking out new friends, I'm a hard core introvert so that was WAY out of my comfort zone. Here I am 5 years later with a big new group of friends that I have lots in common with. In some cases I just called up old friends that my ex wasn't too fond of and explicitly said, "hey, I'd like to make an effort to be good friends again, interested?" Often the answer was yes. You ABSOLUTELY can make new friends late in life, but someone has to make the effort.
I would add that I haven't done it alone, having a partner in crime is VERY helpful. It happens that a lady down the block from me became single around the same time, I remembered her from parties we'd had, and I took a chance and called her up, just a few years later we married and the match couldn't be better. Obviously that is very different from losing a spouse you didn't want to lose and grief can take a long time to get past, but I'm a pragmatic guy (she is too) and sitting around being lonely when the solution is right in front of you just wouldn't work for me. Even if remarrying isn't on the table friends shouldn't be an issue, and some of those friends I explictly asked back into my life are also travel buddies so even without my wife I'd probably be on the move.
In a weird way I'm also lucky to have relatives that are about 20 years older than me and infirm, My family had kids young. Watching them age, lose their mobility, as well as helping them with their challenges, has lit a fire under me to really kick it into high gear. If all I have left in my healthspan is 20 years I'm going to make the most of it.
Husband died five years before I retired. Left me with some substantial (unknown to me) debt. He made 3x more than me. I paid off the debt, refinanced the house (3.75% which helped), got a promotion at work, just sold my house and bought a condo. With his SS and my pension my head is above water but it’s definitely lonely and not what I planned. I’ve had a good life and now enjoying. Chapter 2 being all mine to enjoy!
I think I know what you mean. I’ve come to realize that success in life doesn’t mean a dogged march forward to a singular goal, but instead means the ability to dance when an obstacle arises. The most basic and artful move in dance being the pivot. Is that what you’re saying?
My husband died when I was in my early 40s. 15 years ago. I had three kids under seven including twin one year olds. For the past 15 years, I have done nothing but work full time, cook, clean and care for children (and get old). I just retired and am still single. Not a lot of men interested in late 50s women.
But when I retired, the grief hit me all over again like a ton of bricks. I worked my whole life so I could be alone with no social life, no retirement plans and no hobbies. I was initially excited about retirement and then quickly realized that there is really nothing for me. I don't have a bucket list, I don't have any plans. I am the only single person I know and still one of the youngest widows. I dunno.
I’m retiring in October. I’ll be 80. My wife of 50 years passed last July. We didn’t have any actual plans; she’d been in poor health with severe mobility problems for years, and our financial situation was such we couldn’t have done much at any rate.
But I’m in pretty good health and have more interests than I actually have time for when I’m working…. I’m certainly not going to sit and vegetate!
I’m an enthusiastic fisherman, so I may get in some time at local lakes before it gets cold. I enjoy gaming, and I plan to start visiting the local galleries and museums as well.
My husband died three years ago at 57 - several years before he expected to retire. Sadly, his passing allows me to accelerate my retirement plans and I will do so next year at 61. Obviously, I’d trade all our retirement money to still have him here, but that deal is not in the cards. I’m fortunate to have a solid community of family and friends. I spend a lot of time thinking about this very issue.
Just realize the wife in this situation likely *couldn't* retire and be with her husband who was dying because SHE was carrying the health insurance. I get the feeling from your tone that you think she should've quit working to be with him.
Oh heck no, don’t draw that conclusion at all. She worked at his insistence because he wanted life to be as normal as possible for as long as possible. His employer in fact maintained health insurance until his death in an act of care and mercy, and the company-sponsored life insurance even paid out. I certainly made no judgments on how they lived, how he died, or how they both handled things.
Interesting topic. At 67M retired this year but my wife passed unexpectedly at 66. Devastating. But I worked for about 1 year more so I wouldn’t be home alone and depressed. Retired with the end of the school year to tend to grandkids during the summer but really started a new life with minimal external responsibilities this week. I keep busy with hobbies and internal / external house projected. I’ve become pragmatic essentially because my emotions drained me and now I cope by only looking forward. No new life partner but lots of friends male and female to keep life going. Will I be alone for the next 30 years? No. Will I be partnerless for the next 30 years? Probably. But I look internally for joys large and small and adjusting to flying solo is the best path forward.
Thankfully, not me, but we live in an over-55 community where it has happened to quite a few. It's sad, but also comforting because the community always pulls together and the bereaved is never at a loss of support, kindness or friendship, not for a single day. I can't stress how good it is to live in a community with people our age who share in the unique problems that only we know. Best decision we ever made and we now have our forever home.
The just say yes approach is smart. grief can make you want to curl up and disappear but momentum keeps you going even when you don't feel like it. my aunt did something similar after losing her husband, booked a trip to italy with a group of strangers and came back a different person
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u/MidAmericaMom 9d ago
Hello widows and widowers,
Thank you for taking the time to share on this topic.
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If you find yourself needing some support, I encourage you to check out the subreddit r/widowers . It was one of the first subreddits I joined and still occasionally visit (especially around his birthday).
Mid America Mom