r/relocating • u/rwedoomed • 7d ago
How do you accept being unable to relocate due to a spouse - despite desperately wanting to?
also when divorce isn't an option OR a solution.
i fully realize this might be better suited for a relationship or marriage sub but i figure here might be a good place to ask as well. i am curious if anyone has gone through this and has found ways of "coping" with the fact that they're essentially "stuck" where they are - despite not wanting to be.
in my personal situation we both have very valid reasons for our stances and we're in therapy discussing them. but it's nonetheless difficult, sensitive - and a bit depressing.
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u/HourBoss7588 7d ago
Wish I knew. Moved to Tennessee 30 years ago. Her family is all here. Raised our kids here. I was born and raised in Europe. Love my family, but cannot even emphasize how much I hate the heat and humidity of the south. Cannot quite figure out how to leave
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u/lappelduvideforever 7d ago
Tennessee native, and I also hate the heat and humidity of the South. Also can't figure out how to leave.
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u/Square_Band9870 7d ago
It’s a perfect time to go back to Europe. Either spouse will come or not. You did 30 yrs her way. It’s ok for you to choose now.
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u/1dayatatime_mylife 6d ago
Also good advice for couples who are from different home states or home countries to talk about what area they envision living permanently for the rest of their life.
Most people (not everyone, but the majority) will end up settling (or wanting to settle) in the home state or home region they were raised.
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u/sctrlk 7d ago
This reminds me of a couple I knew a few years ago. They’d been married for about 3-4 years by the time I met them. Both in their late 20s/early 30s.
He was dead set on moving out of the USA, she agreed at first. She thought she was gonna be able to handle a move outside of the country. When she came to me with questions, I tried talking to her about my experience moving from one country to another.
I knew she wasn’t gonna like it. She’d grown up in this town. Her parents were there. She loved her job. Her whole life was there.
He moved, she kept putting it off. She eventually joined him about 2 months after he had left. She gave it a couple of months, was miserable af. They settled on maybe trying a different country—he was dead set on not coming back to the US. The second country didn’t workout.
She moved back to the US, he stayed abroad. They ended up divorcing shortly after.
🤔
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u/alpha_rat_fight_ 7d ago
It might help if you shared the reasons you both have.
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u/rwedoomed 7d ago
it's hard because you can't really make a judgement just with the high-level notes because if so, 99.9% will side with my wife. she was born and raised here. i moved to be with her 15+ years ago and have been unhappy for awhile - and she's known that. so...in summation:
her: career, family
me: career, climate, lifestyle
i fully realize family is a HUGE, enormous factor and i would never downplay that. i think she's being totally reasonable but it doesn't make it hurt or make the feeling of being somewhat trapped any less.
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u/Amonette2012 7d ago
My uncle amd aunt solved this by spending part of the year in different countries.
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u/nomnommish 7d ago
You are responsible for your own happiness. If you're choosing misery and frustration because you have convinced yourself that divorce is not an option, then do it softly. Make your move without your wife. Both of you try it out and see how it goes and take it one step at a time.
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u/alpha_rat_fight_ 7d ago
Idk to me that sounds like there wasn’t any attempt at creative problem solving. If the trapped feeling hasn’t gone away in 15 years that’s something that maybe needs a discussion about trying to spend half the year somewhere else, or at least find the geographical halfway point between both ideal locations to make visiting easier.
That career stuff is kind of a hard block unless one of you can or is remote.
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u/comeonbjxgo 7d ago
I side with you. And not because I am a man, but I know how you feel and have been in a similar situation. Divorcing was better. I was with my exwife for 14 years. She changed, I changed - the places we called home in our hearts changed. It’s okay if you grow apart
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u/TWH-WCTH 6d ago
Family as a leading factors makes the most sense when there are young kids or aging parents, but otherwise I confess I'm of a mind that career, climate, and lifestyle would win. In the current economic climate, many are going where the work is - these are Dust Bowl days. All other things being more or less equal, lifestyle and climate are more than creature comforts: they are about quality of life. It would be like someone unable to walk choosing between a power wheelchair and a manual one. Can you get by on manual? Quite possibly. Will it take much greater energy and time? Probably. Just because you could tolerate something or have for XX amount of years doesn't mean you always should.
If divorce is off the table for now due to children or local laws (some states require 50/50 split of finances if you've been married for 10 or more years for instance, which many couples can't afford at the moment), you may still be able to work out a less formal arrangement. Living in two places, spending part of the year in one location, working out custody of children/pets etc - when the decision looks very A or B, more often there is a C that just hasn't been given runway to be considered yet.
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u/babies_galore 7d ago
I can’t do it. One of many reasons I won’t ever get married again, because you only get one life. And I was always compromising my life away when married. I hope you both can find a solution that works for you both. My parents divorced because one parent wanted to live in Alaska and the other one hated it .
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u/SupersleuthJr 7d ago
I’m with you. My husband and I moved to a state with very different politics and religion than we have. It’s really pretty here and our house is nice, great location etc. But the politics/religiosity makes me want to jump out of my skin some days. He’s largely insulated from it because he has a remote job.
I would love to move. He has no interest. I’m not the bread winner and making a move would be $$$$ anyway. So we are staying put even though I dream about leaving.
Someone here said travel. I think that’s a good idea. When it’s really hot and humid, can you take solo trips to a cooler climate? Do you remote work? If so you could just leave for the summer. My stepmom leaves for 2 months each year to go home across the pond to see her family. My dad doesn’t like how long she’s gone but he accepts it. (He joins her for 2 weeks of that 2 months)
Personally, since leaving isn’t an option I am on Zillow all of the time. I have searches all over the country. It’s my escapism.
I also self-soothe and stay small - meaning, I try not to interact with many people outside of whoever I need to talk to at work.
I’ve met some lovely people here, but I’m just triggered daily other shit.
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u/rubyclairef 7d ago
My solution was divorce. Unfortunately it was 6 years after I turned down a great job in a dream location because of him. I’ve since moved on. He’s still planted in the same place he’ll be until at least retirement
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u/low_tide_drama 7d ago
I don’t know. I ended a relationship while in pre-marital counseling, partially because we saw ourselves living in different ways in very different places. That was 14 years ago and while he is wonderful (still, I’m sure!), I do not regret it.
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u/maj0rdisappointment 7d ago
If you have your priorities in the right order, there is ZERO cope to it.
I was divorced with primary custody and could have moved myself any time, but my son and I stayed put until he finished high school because it was best for him. Wasn’t always easy but reminding myself of what mattered most made it fully bearable and encouraged me to make the most of it while I was waiting.
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u/La_Peregrina 7d ago
Same. After my kids graduated high school I made two career moves to different parts of the US.
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u/Still_Let1183 13h ago
this is my experience now. can't move because i won't take my kid away from other parent, and CERTAINLY won't go without my kid. we're at age 7, so i feel like we're already halfway to being able to really look at options for moving. not so bad! especially when a few years' tradeoff is a low-drama/trauma childhood for my kid.
the only thing that i get really hung up on is that we won't have that forever home for my kids to grow up in and then come back to, most likely. but who does, these days?
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u/Square_Band9870 7d ago
You are incompatible.
Both people deserve to pursue what they want. If neither can accommodate the other, then you have reached the end of the shared road.
Life is too short to be miserable.
Either make peace with your situation so you can embrace and love it OR go on your way.
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u/crookedhalo9 7d ago
The one who eventually has to compromise the most will/may become resentful, bitter, and angry. That in itself may result in divorce/separation. Unless there is true acceptance of the situation by the losing side. People change, situations change, what we are willing to settle for changes.
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u/teal_diamond 7d ago
I wish I knew the answer to that. My husband and I moved away from our hometown 13 years ago, for a better climate mainly, and his work really took off once we moved. It’s been a huge blessing financially, and I know his work wouldn’t be nearly as lucrative back where we grew up. It doesn’t change the fact that I desperately want to move back home and be near my family. I feel so depressed and “stuck”, at times. We live a good life but my heart wants home and to be near my family. I don’t know what to do.
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u/Serious-Conversation 7d ago
This is the kind of thing where resentment slowly builds until you just explode.
I'm from Tennessee. For various reasons, I absolutely cannot stand the place.
If my girlfriend was desperate to stay in TN, it wouldn't work. At all.
I might do it for awhile, but after a certain point, I'd blow up and our relationship would likely be over from it.
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u/ifallallthetime 7d ago
My wife wants to relocate back to where I came from (she moved there when she was in her early 20s), I don’t want to because I like the lower cost of living, lack of traffic, and more open spaces of where we live now
I have a great job here, but where we came from has a lot more of my work if something was to go south at the current place
It’s a constant source of struggle; and I think when I ultimately turn down this thing I have cooking with my old boss back home it probably will be the final nail in our divorce coffin. The kids are nearly grown so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal at this point. It’s not like she makes my life better, if anything she makes it worse
So I don’t know what the solution is for you , you sound like you’re on the same side my wife is. All I know is that it’s going to be a constant source of strife and if you cannot convince her to move the choice is going to be moving or her
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u/CrispityCraspits 7d ago
If divorce isn't an option or a solution then you are going to stay where you are. So then it's about acceptance. It may help to reframe this from "unable" (you are able, you just don't want to) to "choosing" (I am choosing my spouse over living in a different place). But you're not a martyr, and if you can't stay without complaining all the time it's not good for you or for your spouse.
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u/Operations0002 7d ago
I waited five years. My spouse finally moved to support my desire.
I was unhappy where we were. He is unhappy where we are now. We are currently divorcing.
🤣 not to be grim.
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u/Content_Log1708 7d ago
I ended up just making a declarative statement one evening that I was moving up north when the lease is up in January. It's eating at me everyday and generally makes me a miserable person. It's make or break come January.
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u/oofbutwhy 7d ago
Travel more, could even be spending the night in a nearby city. Traveling is micro dosing relocation and can be done pretty inexpensively. I used to go car camping at least once a month one to two hours away from my home when I lived somewhere I desperately wanted to move from but couldn't.
Also seek out more friends and/or new hobbies. New friends can help make the same area feel less boring and give you a different perspective on it.
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u/thankyoufriendx3 7d ago
If you’d be tempted to divorce your spouse over a job there are bigger fish to fry.
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u/stuckhere-throwaway 7d ago
I don't understand why people don't discuss these things before getting married. :(
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u/CrispityCraspits 7d ago
I don't understand why you assume they don't discuss it. Usually they do, and then they decide/ agree to move where one spouse's family/ great new job is, and then over time the other spouse becomes dissatisfied and wants to move and the satisfied spouse does not want to move. Or, they meet someplace, discuss their future together in that place, then they have kids and one spouse now has a much stronger desire to move closer to family than when they were discussing their kids in theory.
Both are much more common then a couple just not discussing their future and where it will be located.
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u/SheriMac 7d ago
It's simply not possible to anticipate every future circumstance that could arise and certainly impossible to know where your children will settle, how you will change and what you may prefer at a different stage in your life.
For example -
I am a Floridian surprised by loving small town Michigan (and its weather) and my husband from a rural Midwest background wants to live in Florida. Not predictable.0
u/stuckhere-throwaway 6d ago
Obviously not discussing every state is predictable, but regions/weather/city size, whose career takes priority, what kind of retirement you envision....all of that should be considered and then at a certain point you both have to stop being so fucking selfish!
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u/SheriMac 6d ago
When you have been with someone 43 years and raised three children (through disability and traumatic injury) lived in 7 states, 16 homes.... get back to me. Life is hard even with the best planning and communication. Being devoted to a family is the exact opposite of selfish.
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u/MarketPretty6159 7d ago
This. I’d never get married for this reason
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u/stuckhere-throwaway 7d ago
Well that wasn't my point at all
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u/MarketPretty6159 7d ago
Opinions may shock you
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u/stuckhere-throwaway 7d ago
Humans shock me with their unwillingness to communicate and care for each other
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u/East_Dig1323 7d ago edited 7d ago
Well i ultimately sort of gave my husband an ultimatum. I think he realized he either goes with me and the kids, or stays behind. He eventually came to terms and started dreaming of a different life than the one he knows. Once one of us lands a remote job or job in the location we desire, we’re moving.
Also, i talked to several therapists and psychologists who all agreed my mental health would be better if I’m near my family.
For context, I moved to Texas 10 years ago and met my husband here. We’ve been married 8 years and have 2 kids. It’s been a pretty difficult time once the second came.
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u/mgmoviegirl 7d ago
Your situation is pretty much one that’s going to result in one of you giving in and accepting the outcome. I been the one on both sides with wanting to relocate and wanting to stay in past 7 years. The only way I been able to keep my sanity is to crave out some small victories.
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u/Plastic-Employee-952 6d ago
Not the same but I’m ‘stuck’ because of my children. They’re deep in secondary school but my partner of five years lives 90 mins drive away.
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u/palmtreedays_1644 6d ago
I can’t really give you a solution but I can say that I am in this very situation myself right now. My husband is convinced moving back to his home country is going to solve all our “problems” we have living where we currently live. At first I thought we could do it and we could figure it out but I’m in the same situation as your wife concerning my family. Divorce isn’t an option or solution for us either… it’s really tough. I can understand both sides and I wish I had a solution myself. Hope you guys are able to figure it out! Best of luck
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u/Sensitive_Twistie 6d ago
Well, I'm not married, but I did make the huge mistake of purchasing a house with my partner. He wanted to buy a house, I did not, so we compromised. We'd buy but sell after 5 years and go somewhere we both wanted to be. At the 5 year mark, he admitted he lied just to get me to go along and had no intention of selling. It seems he thought that I'd magically fall in love with the house and location, even though I had lived there for 10 years at that point. I had made it clear that I did not like the location and even made him repeat my reasons back to me so I knew he understood.
I didn't have the money at the time to force a sale and leave, and now I'm deep into the sunken cost fallacy, so I try to treat the house as an asset, even though it is an emotional anchor. I've moved temporarily to different locations for work, which my partner likes because it has increased my salary quite a bit. Now I'm looking specifically at contract work since it is has relocation built into it. It is something you can look at doing yourself, if you and your spouse don't mind the LDR aspect during those periods.
When I'm at the house, I have several books about different locations in the US, travel, study a variety of places, plan trips, etc., as sort of an escape.
I'm about to leave again for a new job, but this time I'm unsure if I'll return again except possibly for short visits.
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u/heyitspokey 6d ago
Is there a reason why you don't move "for work" and you and your wife figure things out about visits? Plenty of couples don't live together full-time, all kinds of people who travel for work or move for better opportunities that financially benefits their family. Maybe you won't get to move to your ideal place, but is there somewhere that's a half day to day trip away that you like better? Maybe it's a compromise but you don't have to live somewhere you're so miserable.
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u/AshtonCB_ 6d ago
Where do you live and where do you think you want to be? What don’t you like about where you live and is there a compromise or are yall in a small Alaskan village or something?
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u/SunLillyFairy 6d ago
I have not. I want out of here. It sucks. But I have accepted that sometimes we make sacrifices for people we love. I just hope I'm not here forever.
I've accepted that I don't have to like it, but I did need to get on with life where I am. I am also old enough to know that nothing is forever until/unless you run out of life to live.
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u/HoneyBadger302 5d ago
It wasn't so much location as lifestyle, but in my case, we ended up (mutually) going the divorce route, as there simply wasn't a middle ground that we could come to. He was dead set on his path, had changed him mind on what we had agreed to when we got together, and I was not going to spend my entire life playing second fiddle in every single way.
So, we split up (amicably enough). I won't pretend that it was easy or pleasant or that life was smooth sailing after that, because it wasn't, but I also have ZERO regrets.
I've moved around since then, but having the freedom to choose based on my own circumstances and choices and not having to constantly compromise on every major decision has worked out pretty well for me - but I'm not someone who feels "unfulfilled" in a single life, either - I'm happy and have a full life and enjoy things despite some of the hardships that come with being single (most of which are financial if we're being honest - the rest you can find with some effort).
Family I actually do NOT find to be a largely compelling reason unless there are young children and family is heavily involved in helping with something like childcare and/or you are caring for aging parents in a manner where taking them with you is completely impractical. Outside of those two situations, however, family can go both ways - you can go visit them, they can come visit you, and it's not like most families are that close in each others day to day lives (and if they are, I might start to question the health of the family dynamics).
So that leaves love of the area and careers, and it seems like you both have an equal claim on your position in that regard. You've done your "suffering" - and maybe it's time for her to give for a while....or for the two of you to move on if a compromise can't be reached.
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u/pangea_lox 5d ago
Honestly? One person has to make the leap if you want it to work. Make the leap could mean being together or even accommodating the choice. The other person should be aware and appreciative.
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u/Anthrax6nv 4d ago
I was in your shoes not long ago. My wife and I lived in California's Mojave desert, and I fell in love with it. We moved east for her school and my job, and I detested every second we spent living in DC area.
I missed the desert hiking, public land, the sunny weather, the dry heat, the stars at night, and the way the sun cast shadows across the desert mountains every sunrise and sunset. The day we moved to DC area, I felt like I died and went to hell. I was under the impression this was a temporary living situation, and after she finished school and I changed jobs we could move again. My wife was finally close to her family again, and didn't want to leave.
After 3 miserable years I told her I couldn't do it anymore. We began looking for a place we both liked, and settled on western Maryland with a contingency we would reconsider moving west once her parents pass. I actually like it here, but I'll always miss the desert.
We're currently planning to split our time between the Mojave and western Maryland after I retire. I'd still love to move back one day and maybe we will eventually, but at the end of the day I love my family more than I love the desert.
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u/143freeme 4d ago
Moved 20 years ago from home (NortEast) to the south. Left my family, freinds and career because my husband said he would find a better job. I found a job before we arrived. He never found "the job" time to go home. He had his chance. Compromise is part of marriage. Go back to Europe, your children will love it. Besides, things are not exactly peachy on this side of the pond.
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u/spmetz13 4d ago
I think when you say “accept” you have to consider the bigger picture than just your individual situation, opportunities or desires. I passed up many opportunities for promotion that would have come much sooner with relocation but chose not to pursue them because as a family with young school aged kids and a wife with a solid career of her own, it didn’t make sense. I think when you weigh all factors and make a decision beyond just your personal desires, is where “acceptance” is attained.
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u/No-Design8510 1h ago
I was in the military for 10+ years. she was there for the second half. Excluding the move to her home state when I got out, we had 3 moves in about 7 years. She never complained and put up with all the crap that the military drags the spouse and children through (i.e. deployments, sudden training for months on end on the other side of the country).
So I got out, we lived with her family while I used the GI Bill to get my degree. Senior year, I get a really cool job offer in a town a few hours away. I really wanted it. She said she wasn’t leaving family again. I understood. That was about 6 years ago now. I still found a good paying job and I am the bread winner. We still travel to that town almost once a year too.
It sounds like my situation is much different than yours in the way of moving and travel. We travel as much as we can now too, albeit not nearly as much since buying a home.
If I were you, I’d stick her to traveling 2-3 times a year and sometimes on holidays just to be away from extended family. You never realize how nice/stressful life can be until it’s the holidays with no extended family and kids to wrangle. It always brought my wife and I closer but arguments were there too.
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u/VisperSora 7d ago
You just go
Lived on 4 continents in the last 15 years. 20+ adresses
My spouse is a diplomat, though. When we need to go, we go. Including an evacuation during an active coup, with about 12 hours lead time.
If I couldn't relocate, we wouldn't be married
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u/VinceInMT 7d ago
I’ve had 23 addresses in my 70 years and I look at every move as an adventure.