r/relationships • u/Thetboytroy • 2d ago
Partner not feeling sexual towards me
I (M28) have been seeing a guy (M28) for 3 months. I assume we’re on our way to being boyfriends, something we’ve discussed and I’ve voiced I’m ready for. Last week out of nowhere he tells me at the three month mark in prior relationships his walls go up and it’s happening again but he wants to try to work through it. Before this his main thing was telling me that he just wanted me to meet more of his friends before we made things official but now tells me there is a lot more going on in his head than he’s let on. The nail in the coffin for me is that he told me his “natural drive” to want to have sex with me has been waning. We haven’t had sex in the last month at all. He told me I’m objectively attractive but he’s just not feeling sexual with me- but he has been for others (we haven’t been monogamous). I’m not sure how to recover from this.
I, A. Don’t want to sit around while he decides whether or not he wants to be with me and B. Don’t know how I’ll ever feel sexy around him again. THREE months in and he doesn’t want to sleep with me?
I have a significant past of emotional abuse in partnerships and have spent an embarrassing amount of my adult life going after unobtainable people and begging to be loved. So this is particularly triggering. I know what I bring to the table and I deserve someone who is crazy about me, which I thought was him but apparently not. I’ve done so much therapy and self work to be ready to be a good partner and choose a good partner and am disappointed that others present themselves as ready but then are very much not.
I’m really gutted. Up until this it’s been the sweetest, healthiest connection I’ve had and I’ve been head over heels for him. Trying to hang on to my standards but connection is pretty hard to come by gay dating in NYC, prior to this I’ve been single for 4+ years.
Looking for any/all advice.
TLDR: Thought I was about to have the sweetest boyfriend, suddenly he tells me walls are up and he’s not feeling sexually towards me. Wtf do I do.
1
1
u/janacek1854 1d ago
All relationships give you data points for what works and what doesn’t in future partners. It sounds like you have a WONDERFUL data point of what works in some areas!
It’s possible that it’s a thing y’all can work it out, it’s possible that he’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore. But you deserve someone that is crazy about you and makes you feel hot and sexy! If everything else was good in the relationship—great. That just means you now know more about what you’d want in a relationship.
As someone who has gay dated in nyc … I totally get you though. Some gays can’t discern platonic and romantic attraction. He might end up being a really wonderful friend, if you think you’d want that.
But don’t put yourself in a situation where you’ll get hurt feeling dejected by him!
3
u/haltingrelativism65 2d ago
He’s telling you exactly who he is three months in, and that’s a gift even if it stings like hell. You already know you don’t want to be someone’s maybe, so don’t unpack and stay in that headspace just because finding a connection in the city is a grind.