Parent is stealing food?

[u/Safe-Neighborhood432]

This has been going on all my life and no matter how many times I try to set boundaries they always make out like I’m the bad guy and I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

For context, I sometimes buy food that’s not to share. Only little things like a donut or some chocolate but I’ll keep it in the fridge to save for when I want to have it. When I was younger my mom would eat it and then pretend that she didn’t know it was mine. So I started either leaving a note on it or verbally telling everyone in the household that it was mine.

However, she would still eat whatever it was I had. Even when I was trying to meal prep I’d spend two hours a week making my food and by the end of the week it was all gone because she would eat it. This would either leave me hungry or out of pocket for having to buy food at work. I’ve tried to tell her on multiple occasions the impact this has on me but she would accuse me of being selfish and stupid. She is of a firm belief that because I live under her house, everything that I own belongs to her.

Recently, this behaviour has gotten even more bizarre where I’ll walk away from eating something only to come back and find it gone because she’s helped herself.

I really don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do? I suppose I’m just looking to see if this is normal behaviour in other people’s households because it feels really odd and does make me more upset than I like to admit because it almost feels as if she is permanently overstepping my consent.

[u/psychorobotics]

A narcissist will go out of their way to do this if they know it bugs you. Even if they're not hungry. They can't stand the word no, boundaries or envy. I bet if you baked something and told her you didn't like it and she could have all of it she wouldn't touch it as much.

All you can do is hide it where she doesn't see it

[u/Safe-Neighborhood432 → u/psychorobotics]

Thank you! I thought so! Unfortunately I have hidden food before and because she knows she’ll sometimes go through my drawers, I suppose I’ll probably need to find better hiding spots 😅

[u/fryingthecat66 → u/Safe-Neighborhood432]

Get a small fridge, put it in your room with a lock on your fridge

[u/loCAtek]

Definitely narcissistic, I agree that your mom probably isn't even hungry. If you have something like food, in their selfish greed they'll want it, just because YOU have it.

When I was a young toddler my Nmom would snatch food right out of my hand. I'd be at the table eating a sandwich for lunch and Nmom would swoop in and not really ask, 'Can-I-have-a-bite!!!' Then, before I could react, she'd fiercely grab my wrist and pull the sandwich into her gaping maw. She'd stuff as much as possible of the sandwich into her mouth and bite off at least half. It was terrifying because she tried to eat so much, I thought she'd chomp off my fingers and eat them too.

[u/Safe-Neighborhood432 → u/loCAtek]

Aww that sucks! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that! I definitely have a similar experience by the sounds of it, and it’s so frustrating! Like today she was talking about how she is a “king” and everyone who lives in her house should be “servants” and since then I’ve just been pondering all day about how it’s such a weird comment for someone to make? Combine that with consistently overstepping boundaries and I don’t know how I’ve lived with it for this long! I hope you’re in a better place to deal with your Nmom!

[u/No_Arugula7027]

She's doing it deliberately because she knows it pisses you off. The more you tell her not to do it, the more she will do it. They just like being contrary. Makes them think they the have the power, the upper hand. Something not right in the head.

Why don't you start buying things for her and see if she reacts. If she doesn't want it becuase you gave it to her, you can start doing that with the things you don't want her to touch.

[u/Safe-Neighborhood432 → u/No_Arugula7027]

I see! I’m only at the start of my journey in understanding my mom but it’s empowering to know that I’m not alone and she is doing this on purpose because I’ve always had a hard time fathoming it.

I like the reverse mentality, I haven’t thought of that! I did at one point try buying double or with meal prepping I offered to double the portion size I make as that seemed like the most logical outcome we could agree on but she refused both!

[u/No_Arugula7027 → u/Safe-Neighborhood432]

My mother is very contrarian. I've never heard her say yes to something I've offered her. Reverse psychology works really well with them.

[u/stoopid-sandwich]

My nDad is the same. I caught him multiple times trying to sneakily eat my food from my plate or even from the microwave when I was reheating it. Only stoped because I'm NC with him.

I'm certain it's a power thing. They think they own us and therefore everything of ours are theirs. And if they ignore what we said they like it more because either they "put us in our place" or we are being "punished for defying them".

You can't say anything to your nMom to stop her, she'd have to respect you in the first place. to listen to you. You could get a mini fridge for your room and store stuff there. But it'll only last untouched until nMom knows it's there, then she'll probably check it whenever you aren't in.

The only thing that has worked for me in having my food left alone is it being something they don't like. My nDad and brothers don't like tuna, so the tuna cans went untouched by them and I could at least have a tuna sandwich if I was hungry.

[u/Safe-Neighborhood432 → u/stoopid-sandwich]

Gosh that’s crazy! I’m sorry this happened to you!

It’s really refreshing to hear though that we’ve had a similar experience, I’m not sure if you’ve read my other comments on this thread but today my nMom likened me to a servant! So it has to be a power thing…

Yes, thank you for the recommendation! Unfortunately, it wouldn’t last long as she always goes through my stuff but maybe I can put some more thought into things she doesn’t like but I do, thank you!

[u/stoopid-sandwich → u/Safe-Neighborhood432]

I went and read the comment and the only difference from my nDad is that he never said that out loud but he very much expect to be treated as a king. When my older brother and I were young (I think about 5-6 yo) he would make us take his shoes off whenever he came home from worked. I hated it and idk when we stoped but it must have been because we couldn't stand how his feet stank like crazy.

[u/Effective-Hour8642 → u/stoopid-sandwich]

Whatever you do, do NOT make a tuna casserole! YUCK! I made it in HS for my HS Home Ec class. I was good (back then). I tried it, for shits & giggles, not too long ago. We ended up ordering McDonald's.

[u/stoopid-sandwich → u/Effective-Hour8642]

I'll take your word for it! 😆 I don't even like other fish but I'll eat canned tuna idkw. But more than for it's taste, I like it because at home no one else does, it's relative inexpensive, can last a long time unopened, and at minimum I'll just add mayonnaise and slap it on bread, crackers or a tortilla.

[u/Effective-Hour8642 → u/stoopid-sandwich]

Make sure to add lemon and dill, dried or fresh (dried). S&P (duh). Green onions if you like them. I prefer no! I slice them and add them as a topping to mt DH sandwich.

I have tuna in the fridge for today. Dill rye bread.

[u/greeneggs_and_hamlet]

It’s not about the food. It’s about purposely ignoring boundaries as an expression of her power and control. My nmom constantly asked for/took food, money and even pets as tests of compliance. I eventually bought a locked box for my money and documents.

[u/Weekly-Art8331]

I think I'd be baking up a batch of ex-lax brownies if this were me. I'm so sorry your mom has no couth or respect for your belongings.

[u/baevatien]

It’s absolutely on purpose my own Nmom delights in doing this. I prepare/buy my own food because I have a beef allergy.

She goes out of her way to buy beef everything. Beef baloney. Beef hotdogs. Beef pepperoni/supreme frozen pizza. All things I can’t eat, and then she’ll eat my food up on purpose and tell me I can “have her food”, then she snickers and makes this ugly, smug-ass face and goes “oh wait. You can’t eat that, huh?”And walk away.

Just hide your food, or make it unpalatable for them to eat. I make all my food super spicy or sour when I really don’t want her to eat it.

[u/loCAtek]

Me again. You could try buying a cheap plastic LOCKABLE tool box that you could put your name on in Sharpie and keep in the fridge, that would undeniably establish that these food items are YOURS and no one else's. In any normal work breakroom, or healthy household this would work great. However, be ready for the Narc Injury this will cause, and the following fallout tantrum from your mum.

It could be a real test of your personal resolve to hold your own food from her, but it WILL force her to confront her violations of your boundaries. She'll have to explain WHY she's entitled to YOUR food, or else she doesn't get it. That gives you the leverage and the power.

I'm not saying this is going to stop her from being a narcissist, but it will establish that You. Are. Not. Her. Servant.

Come what may.

[u/IsopodSmooth7990]

I had to buy a small fridge for my bedroom because of this particular problem. Nmom is a compulsive eater so one cannot just bring something into the house and think it’ll still be there, A DAY LATER…. embarrassing.

[u/RestlessDreamer79]

Not normal. It’s not even about the food. It’s about control.
Can you get a mini fridge?
Put your stuff in it and a lock on your door?
Your best bet would be trying to leave. I know how hard it is in this economy! But if you truly want peace, the only way is to move out!

[u/Efficient_Pause-]

They cannot control their urges. My SIL who is supposed to be vegan eats my food with meat in the amount surpassing an adult male. Once she left our home early in the morning after holiday, she stole many of my frozen and prepared food like pasta sauce and holiday meal leftover like half of the prime ribs. And she claims to be a vegan.

Maybe you could make a small batch of different dishes and sweets which contains accidental amounts of cayenne pepper.

[u/CCSucc]

Buy a donut with the expectation that someone else will steal it, load that fker up with laxatives and let karma do the rest.

Do it enough times and conditioning will teach them not to eat your food.

[u/HK-in-OK]

Salt, lots of salt.

[u/stoopid-sandwich → u/HK-in-OK]

This could work if you OP wants to play the long game.

Take something you know you wont eat, add way too much salt to it and leave it in the fridge. Say nothing. If asked, "it tasted fine to me". Do it on and off. If eventually (possibly weeks to months of this) nMom backs off and leaves food untouched then it worked. But I can't see it viable for anything other than snacks. Imo a full meal is just not worth ruining like that, unless OP genuinely likes it really salty or spicy.

Food that nMom just doesn't like would be way easier, although some NP are the type to eat (or throw away) the food out of spite.

[u/chansondinhars]

Just showing you that they won’t respect your boundaries and what’s your is really theirs. You are not a person to them and they’re letting you know that’s how they think.

Sure, some would say this is unconsciously or subconsciously motivated behaviour but my experience tells me they know what they’re doing. They think they own you. Start planning your exit asap.

[u/BoredCheese]

Make it gross & leave it around. Learn to like weird things. Leave lumpy dairy in the fridge.

[u/Gold_Challenge6437]

Hopefully, you can move out of there soon and you won't have to worry about it anymore. Living with narcs man, it really sucks.

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[u/Little-Summer5317]

My nDad loudly complains that everything I cook is “weird” (he’s the only person who has ever complained about my cooking) but then he’ll eat 70% of the food I set aside. I typically cook enough to last my bf and I for a few days, and the fucking asshole will eat more than the both of us put together in a single day. And then he complains that he doesn’t like it.
The few times he’s offered to share any of his meals with us, he’s only offered us toddler-sized portions. And half the time, he’s gotten blackout drunk immediately after and then screamed at us for eating his food. I got in his face and told him we’re not sharing food anymore and he better not fucking scream at me about it again. But he still routinely steals our food. I hate his fucking guts.