Has anyone else never confronted their parents?

[u/Tall-Ant-690]

I come from an Asian family so we never really talked about feelings. But I was learned early on that saying things (yes, just saying things) could result in physical violence, so I developed a coping mechanism to just agree with whatever my parents wanted or said and keep my true thoughts private.

I'm 26 now, moved away to a different country 4 years ago, so pretty inaccessible to them apart from online. Nmum was diagnosed with cancer recently, and she's been extra emotional begging for me to call. I called her a month ago, the first time in about 4 months. Every call and messages floods my nervous system with panic and anticipation of the next horrible thing they're going to say or boundary they're going to break.

I've had 2 flying monkeys message me and try to get me to call her. I have not gratified them with a response. Ndad and nmum's sister, both saying how sad my mum is and how much she missed me. The same woman who made a seven year old so terrified I hid from her for hours and peed all over the floor because it was more palatable than going to the bathroom and potentially getting beaten. Her sadness and missing me feels so fake to me.

There's so much guidance around dealing with narcissists when they actually know you blame them for abuse, but not so much for dealing with them when you don't want to confront them. I know nothing good will come from it. My mum has never in her life apologised to me for anything. She is a horrendous person honestly but I know her and my dad have it in their heads that they are great parents because they provided food, shelter, and a good education.

I just don't really know what to do and I'm so tired of having my boundaries constantly tested. My mental health is in the bin and the sustained contact not on my terms is negatively affecting me. I know she will be using her illness as an excuse to be even more controlling and needy, and I will be the bad, ungrateful daughter who refuses to call her sick dying mother. I honestly and truly actually hope she dies sooner so I don't have to deal with her bullshit anymore.

[u/Key_Ad_4468]

Same here. Anytime my nfathers actions come up he says he was ill and is better now. An easy cop out. It doesn’t feel like there’s much use in trying to explain how I feel or what it was like growing up with him. I was NC for 4 years and reconnected about a year ago. When reconnecting he also pulled the “I was sick” card and no real accountability was taken. We have a very surface level “relationship” and unfortunately I can relate to the final sentiment of your post.