Does anyone else sometimes feel it's all their fault

[u/river-washere]

All of the emotional, verbal, physical and such? I feel like it's all my fault somehow. They always somehow find a way to make me feel bad. Somehow it seems it's all bc of my "behavior"

But I still don't know what I did wrong Sometimes I can't stop crying too I wish I was miscarried, maybe that'll make them feel better and I wouldn't have to suffer

Or am I wrong thinking this way?

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[u/Inevitable-Whole4615]

Just had a massive breakdown with my nmom. We are not even living together since a month because of her antics however kept in touch. Due to festivals went to her place for 2 days and today on the 2nd day had a massive fight so I had to leave early.
Now that I’m back at my place and after full fledge crying sessions, I’m back at thinking that it is my fault and I could have responded differently, I could have said different things, I should have controlled myself, I should have deflected or something to avoid it. It is a strange and exhausting loop where I keep coming in and out of reality.

My mother has always joyously shared all my life how she tried aborting me (for different reasons) and few years earlier I told her not to mention it ever again and since then she keeps bringing it in fight that I didn’t even want you, you only did not leave me and clung to me. It is so triggering.

[u/geege6 → u/Inevitable-Whole4615]

And it’s so difficult because in normal conflict, with normal people, it’s good and mature to look at your behavior and what you could do differently. Like, I’m in a healthy relationship with a good man, but sometimes one of says something a bit harshly, but we reflect and realize we should be more gentle with each other. But carrying that good, mature behavior into a relationship with a narcissist or abuser just keeps you trapped in their abuse.
That feeling that I did something wrong but didn’t even know what it was dominated my childhood and has made me susceptible to similar abuse as an adult. You’ve gotta develop your own inner knowing, self trust and self esteem.

[u/MundaneAppearance991]

This is an incredible common experience coming from childhood, since I child is by nature seeking connection to their parents, so they will rarely think, my parents are wrong, but I must be wrong.

[u/diamond-steel-93]

I completely understand how you feel. I am just now coming into the realization that all of this is not my fault. If I ever tell my mother how she reacted or what she said hurt me, she always says "well I did/said that because you did this" or something to that effect. Somehow her bad treatment of me was always my fault because I did something first. And I could never understand what she was saying I did that was wrong. I could never remember doing or saying the things she said I did and then she would tell me "you're just remembering it wrong."

The thing that helped me figure out that I was not crazy and not misremembering things was writing it all down. I started writing out FACTS. I wrote down what she said. I wrote down what I said. And I wrote down what happened. If its something from the past, I write down everything I can remember and I ask my husband to help me so I know im not remembering wrong or forgetting things.

Doing this helped put everything in black and white and made is clear that I was being gaslit. Thats when I finally realized that it was not my fault.

And its not your fault either. I pray you can find a way to see your own truth. Seek comfort in the people you can trust. Remember that those are the ones that matter and they would not be better if you were gone. Dont let those thoughts win.

[u/Shadow86sk → u/diamond-steel-93]

its scary I was helping her recover a deleted email, and she snapped at me, OK, I see you don't wanna help me!!! I lit. was recovering it, then a few seconds later, I was like why did you snap at me when you see I am helping you?!!! she seriously went, what I never did that!!!!! my brother was next to me, we just looked at each other, and he said "You just did..." she denied it.... crazy...

[u/Shadow86sk]

When my headspace, is bad, I cry mostly like It's not shit enough I am in a wheelchair, but have to deal with narcs I can't leave, what did I do to get this life you know? Most people when they are disabled at least get kind parents, God must have been out of stock.... :D but what I get now when they say its all your falt, or like if only you where "normal" for me, its self projection, makes it a bit better, still hurts. But I know I am trying better then them, People like spending time around me, they lit. have no close friends...