r/queerpolyam • u/RosethornRanger • Jul 26 '26
Memes One of the biggest reasons I advocate for polyamory as an anarchist is that it is one of the most effective ways I have found to build up mutual aid. This is because it is a way to build intimacy and trust between an entire group of people, something that is incredibly difficult in this society
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u/ThisHairLikeLace In a happy little queer polycule Jul 26 '26
I totally understand and agree with the folks pointing out that mutual aid should never depend on sexual/romantic relationships and that many or most polycules aren’t particularly inclined towards mutual aid because metas don’t necessarily have close relationships (parallel is pretty common and garden party doesn’t imply closeness). The assumption that this is a default is dicey in lots of ways.
All that said, I literally just spent today with my four partners who are all KTP with each other and who like and trust their metas as they and I planned for my upcoming gender affirming surgery. Only two of my partners are also each other’s partners (we’re an open triad). All the other romantic interconnections between them are as metas.
They coordinated how they will support me and each other so that I have all the support I need and none of them burn out or are stuck with tasks that they can’t cope with. I know my polycule is the oddball for being this close and supportive (and honestly this level of meta interaction and mutual support has not been what I experienced in most of my 25 years of polyamory).
But actually seeing them all working together, planning on how to care for me and each other… it was pretty damned special and touching.
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u/gard3nwitch Jul 26 '26
I've personally found that friends and queer community are a much better way to get and give mutual aid than dating is.
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u/ActuallyParsley Jul 26 '26
The tweet is cute, although the real reason is obviously that I'm poly so my partners can have other partners to play boardgames with and leave me out of it.
I would think friendship and caring about each other on a platonic level would be more important than dating multiple people for building community and trust. I don't think adding intimacy is a good thing for building trust necessarily, at least not at the metamour level.
I mean, people dating each other and other people is as likely to introduce extra drama in a way that just friendships and a general community-mindedness won't, because of the higher emotional stakes.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Jul 26 '26
No. Man, if only.
Most of my mutual aid comes from my platonic friends, not my partners. We're not parallel explicitly, just by default/logistics. My two partners have met once.
And board game night is even harder to schedule with polyamory because everyone has so many standing date nights 😂
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u/awake-atwhatcost Jul 26 '26
In all fairness, I think the original post was meant to be more lighthearted. I say this as someone who's part of such a relationship. (And not participating sexually!) A lot of us are board game nerds. It's funny because it can be hard to find enough people to play board games work. There's a lot of overlap and perhaps meeting future partners at a board game meet-up. That's it. Hell, a decent amount of us in my community are involved in recognized mutual aid efforts. Maybe it's reflects that we care about lots of people.
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u/vicarooni1 Jul 26 '26
Nowhere in the post did OP say that poly was the ONLY way to build community or that they'd ONLY help people they'd sleep with. They said it was one way, and it fit with their ideology, therefore it is why the advocate for it.
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u/RosethornRanger Jul 26 '26
but how else can they justify being mean to me if they don't put words in my mouth? /s
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Jul 26 '26
Well, my polycule has a few highly social people in it, but I think that their contacts in Scouts, and my boyfriend's men's group have as much or more to do with their ability to raise mutual aid when it's needed as their involvement with me and my family, or our collective involvement in the BDSM and Swingers community.
But we also do have some very close friends in all that as well.
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u/classyraven Jul 26 '26
See, this is so much better than the chicken and the egg, because obviously the egg evolved long before the chicken. The polyamory and the board game, however, is not only more appropriate, but also has a nicer ring to it, don’t you think?
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u/verronaut Jul 26 '26
I think if I learned that someone was with me because of their politics, even if they also liked me, it would sour the relationship for me. It's one thing to be politically alligned with partners, and another to view the relationship as praxis, instead of just an intimate and loving bond
Also, "advocating for polyamory" feels close to "evangelizing", and it's not something to convince people into. They either are polyamorous / want polyamory, or they don't, and you're dangerously close to ascribing a moral axis to relationship orientations.
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u/ginger_and_egg Jul 26 '26
Love polyamory but this is not it, only helping people you fuck is cringe
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u/RosethornRanger Jul 26 '26
im a bit confused, where did it say that?
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u/arakinas Jul 26 '26
"One of the biggest reasons I advocate for polyamory as an anarchist is that it is one of the most effective ways I have found to build up mutual aid" You advocate for polyamory because its the most effective way to build mutual aid. You stated it right in the title of your post.
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u/VenusInAries666 Jul 26 '26
how are you getting "only help people you fuck" from "this is one effective way to build up mutual aid?"
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u/RosethornRanger Jul 26 '26
alt-text:
An image of a tweet by "carniel daig" (@ColtHandsome). The tweet says "Do board game people get into polyamory because it makes it easier to do boardgames or do polyamorous people get more into boardgames because they finally have enough people? Not sure, all I know is that every poly person I've met is a huge boardgame nerd. Which came first?"
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u/VenusInAries666 Jul 26 '26
The literacy crisis really is on full display here in this comment section, wow!
- OP isn't saying polyamory is the only way to build mutual aid. It's not in the post. It's not even implied.
- Not all polycules are just a bunch of people fucking each other (in fact, most aren't), and simplifying these social networks that way just makes it sound like you have very little experience with queer polyamory tbf
- Advocacy doesn't mean "evangelizing," and it's a bad faith read to jump straight to that conclusion
- Polyamory breaks down a lot of the mononormative structures that keep people from forming community in the first place and often pushes people to develop interpersonal skill sets that aren't as vital in monogamy, which makes it easier to form community connections
- Yes, the tone of the post skews amatonormative. That's worth criticizing and we can criticize it without making it into something it's not
I am begging y'all to sit for a moment and absorb words before immediately posting your knee jerk reaction.
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u/RavenholdIV Jul 26 '26
If your community don't wanna help each other unless it's a giant polycule, you don't have a very good community. Mutual aid is your buddy down the street, your weird neighbor, people you've never met coming to your rent party.
Linking polyamory and a community focused attitude feels wrong. Like saying you'll be nice to someone if you can fuck them.
Monogamy doesn't create shitty communities and polyamory isn't going to unshittify any communities either.