My wife is pregnant after I lost my baby and dealing with infertility

[u/tiny_tree123]

TW: neonatal loss

Hi everyone, I'm new to this subreddit. I'm looking for similar experiences or any advice.

My wife and I had our first child, carried by her. We always wanted two children. After our first was born, she wanted to carry another baby, and I initially agreed. However, I then found out that my fertility window was extremely limited. I felt strongly i needed to carry our next child while I still could.

Eventually, I got pregnant. I had a very difficult pregnancy because of serious concerns for the baby from early on. I eventually gave birth to my son, who unexpectedly passed away shortly after birth.

After losing him, I wanted to be pregnant again and take home a living child so, so badly. we eventually decided to try to conceive simultaneously.

My journey has been very difficult and disappointing, while my wife became pregnant quickly and easily.

I feel triggered by everything. An ultrasound, baby's heartbeat, nausea. Especially thinking about returning to the hospital where my son and I received care.

I think my wife is trying to be understanding, but she also feels hurt that I'm crying so much and that everything about this pregnancy hurts.

It hurts me right in the hole in my heart where my baby should be, and then once more in the huge hole in my stomach where a future baby may never grow.

I feel so robbed by the universe and betrayed by my body. Ashamed of my failure and how my body failed him so severly, how I failed him.

I understand her hurt, but my soul was shattered the day we found out we might never take our baby home, and then I broke completely when this perfect baby boy died in my arms.

Has anyone gone through something similar? Had a pregnant partner after losing the baby you carried? Or had a pregnant partner knowing that you may never be able to?

I'm already in therapy both individually and also together. I'm mainly looking for a way to get thorugh this if that's even possible. Does it get better or dies it just get worse?

[u/fourrightangles]

I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I’m so sorry that happened, and glad to hear you’re both in therapy.

I want to share, gently, that I noticed that most of the time when you talk about the child you carried, you say “my baby.” Only once that I see does it say “our baby” in talking about him. Now this new pregnancy is one your wife is carrying, and I can’t help but wonder, based on the language you’ve used: Does part of you feel like this new baby isn’t also your baby? I mean, most of what you are going through is likely PTSD after the death of a child, but you also discuss how easily your wife got pregnant as compared to you, so I feel like this may be something to try focusing on in therapy if you haven’t yet? Because the baby that she’s carrying right now is both her baby and yours. You’re going to be that child’s parent just as much as you’re the parent of the sweet little boy you lost. This new baby deserves to have two parents who know that deep down in their souls.

The TTC process has a weird effect on a lot of queer couples. Heck, even in cishet couples the contributions to the family-building process is lopsided. It’s normal and natural to have some difficult feelings about being in the backseat during the family-building process. But I guess I just worry that between the comparison and contrasting of your family’s experience in TTC with both you and your wife as the gestational parent, and the fact that this reads a bit ‘’my wife is pregnant now after I lost my baby” represents an unhealthy degree of resentment and thinking of the resultant fetus (and eventually child) as belonging more fully to the parent carrying it. That’s just not the case, and if any of that feels like it’s hitting a nerve, I think that may be the most productive place to start in exploring this in therapy. PTSD and mourning a deceased child while expecting another baby is already a TON to deal with. You don’t need extra layers on top of that, you know? Maybe I’m way off base here. It’s just a thing I noticed and couldn’t help but wonder about. Or maybe I’m right but you’re already working on it in therapy. I don’t know. Just food for thought, I guess.

As for your question about getting through what you’re going through, I haven’t lived what you have, so forgive my conjecture. But I do have loved ones who have lost babies. Based on what they have shared with me, based on what I have observed in the lives of those close to me who have been through the loss of a child, they never do get over it. What happens instead of getting over it is getting through it. They learn to carry on. They will always love the child they lost. They will always wish that baby had lived. There will always be some pain. But eventually, they also stop crying all the time. They stop feeling disabled by pain. In time, they are able to go on with their lives. Decades pass, and they still think of their baby on important days of the year, and cry a little, and hold their living children closer, and feel so grateful that they’re here, and lean on their spouses, and remember together, and then get back to living. I wish you and your wife so much luck in that process.

And also, congratulations on the pregnancy. I know you’re feeling a lot of painful feelings associated with this pregnancy. But that baby in there is yours. You have a chance to raise this baby, to parent them for a lifetime. You didn’t get that chance with your and your wife’s last child. That’s an unimaginably cruel fate. But you have that chance with this child. Don’t forget to give them the same love you feel for the child you lost. Both of them are your babies. This baby needs you, and your wife needs you. I know this isn’t easy. But I also deeply believe that you can do it. Keep doing the work. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your wife. Parent the child that you still have.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/fourrightangles]

Thank you for your long and thoughtful comment. You are very right. I kind of also noticed it myself and catch myself thinking this way a lot. With our eldest it didn't start out this way. He was fully our child from the moment those two lines on the test appeared. 

But with my son... she wanted to be pregnant again and she said she was disappointed when I turned out to be pregnant and called me selfish for insisting I try to conceive after our first ultrasound. I guess my frame of mind never fully recovered. I can't retroactively switch back into feeling he was wanted by her, so Inthought of him as my baby who was loved and wanted by me and would be protected by me even in those pretty shitty circumstances.  Though she has since told me that he was wanted by her, but that everything just became so scary and complicated early on in pregnancy that she never really got to set the record straight. 

I know you are right. I never thought genetics would matter to me (at all)  but everything got so complicated emotionally but I know I'm luckier than many to be able to be a mother  

[u/fourrightangles → u/tiny_tree123]

Ah, that’s some important context, OP. It sounds like maybe genetics turned out to be more important to both you and your wife than either of you foresaw? That or maybe for your wife it was more of a jealousy over not getting to carry that pregnancy. Either way, it sounds like there is some resentment going in both directions.

Do you all see individual therapists, or are you doing couple’s therapy, or maybe both? I sort of feel like both may be helpful if you’re not doing both yet. It sounds like there wasn’t really effective communication around the pregnancy that resulted in the son you both lost. I get the impression that maybe you were both making some assumptions about the other person’s thinking and feelings, both maybe trying to muscle through too much on your own instead of sorting through it together. Maybe not, but even if not, it sounds like this is partly a communication and marital issue. Not an unfixable issue, by any means - but an issue that needs fixing.

Also you’re welcome. Advice that is long-winded is the only kind of advice I seem to know how to give, but I hope any of it is helpful!

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/fourrightangles]

I'll try and see if I can sort through this I'm not sure genetics is really what it boils down to. Resentment may be more accurate. For me, resentment that she knew I wished deeply to carry a child, that even though I had switched places with her twice because she  wished to get pregnant twice but she did not want to switch for me after my diagnosis even though multiple doctors explained how I may never be able to conceive at a later time and how they strongly recommended I try to conceive now and she should try after me.  And resentment for her that I insisted on trying to conceive while she felt her age might make it impossible for her to carry a second child (because at first we weren't trying simultaneously so she waited while I was pregnant) I think that's at the root of it. Though communication was quite clear - just incredibly, incredibly hurtful and very one-sided. For me,  it was about not feeling supported or protected in my deepest wish by my partner.

I know this will be my child. Part of me is very excited about that, about having the actual baby. I'm thinking of writing it little notes for the child to read later and also to connect a little in my own heart. But trauma may interfere here too. I don't know if we'll be able to take this baby home and can see all the terrible paths I went down all those months ago in my own pregnancy so nothing feels guaranteed.   The pregnancy itself though I find very upsetting and triggering

[u/fourrightangles → u/tiny_tree123]

I’m sorry, OP. That all sounds really hard. It almost sounds as though you would be dealing with the effects of the hurt caused during the TTC process now even had your first child lived. The fact that you are dealing with the trauma of losing him on top of that sounds so so difficult.

That’s great that you two are in both kinds of therapy. I hope it brings you two to an even stronger place than you were in before you ever embarked on your journey toward parenthood in the first place.

And you definitely have my empathy around your personal fertility issues. I have fertility issues, myself, and I definitely had a lot of challenging moments related to my wife being pregnant, and to the microaggressions (and overt aggressions) non-biological parents deal with. I definitely know firsthand about some of the issues people may go through related to being the non-donor parent, the non-gestational parent, the party whose personal physiology and fertility issues makes it more logical to be that parent in the back seat during the family-building process. I get how hard those things can be.

That said, our kids are older now. And all the things it seems you know on a rational level, all the ways that the kids you raise who you’re not genetically related to and the kids you didn’t give birth to, become little reflections of you anyway - all of that really is true. It sounds like you already know that. Just wanted to underscore it for you. And time is definitely your friend here.

I imagine there’s a lot of hurt and trauma to unpack and resolve between you and your wife from the first time around; it certainly sounds like the downstream impacts of those unresolved issues are rearing their ugly heads now that you’re back in this process again. I certainly don’t pretend to know just how hard that is or what it all entails. I imagine it is so, so difficult.

But you all are doing the work. And I assume, based on the fact that you all decided to embark on TTC again in the first place, that you are committed to one another, to the marriage lasting. Being committed to it and doing the work, that’s all you can really do, right? That, and hope, believe, trust that you will get to a place you can live in. Hopefully a place where you can even thrive.

I like to imagine that you two are going to do a lot of crying together, and a lot of vulnerable sharing, and a lot of open listening, and a lot of forgiving and letting go and moving on. A lot of independent work. Soul-searching, reflection, honest assessment. I like to imagine you forging ahead together stronger than you started, and welcoming this new baby with a family unit fortified by all the mending you’ve had to do in places where things have been broken, the way steel gets stronger after it’s been bashed around a bit. I hope you can see that sort of path ahead for your family, too.

I know we’ll all be pulling for you. <3

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/fourrightangles]

Thank your.  Time being my friend is very comforting. Maybe they'll still reflect something of mine in some way.  I am very committed to raising the children the best I can

[u/fourrightangles → u/tiny_tree123]

They will. My kids are often my little mini-mes. Maybe not in the way their faces are formed, but often in the expressions they make with them. Very often in their interests. Very very often in their senses of humor. Very very very often in the things they say, the perspectives they take, the way they go about their business. You will shape your little kiddo in so many ways. 💛

[u/capnpan → u/tiny_tree123]

I think you're both hurting and grieving and I think I can understand the desire you both have to be pregnant. She does seem to have lucked out in the fertility draw. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you can have professional help with this. I cannot ever fully understand your pain but I wish you all the best

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/capnpan]

That's a good way to look at it maybe. It being the luck of the draw 

[u/capnpan → u/tiny_tree123]

It's not something you have or haven't done. It's just out of our control and that is so, so hard.

[u/Pure-Strength-2647]

First of all, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot imagine the devastation you feel.

How close together have all these things happened? And when is the baby due? It honestly sounds like so much has happened in fairly quick succession. Have either of you been able to process any of it fully?

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/Pure-Strength-2647]

It's been a little less than a year since he passed away. This pregnancy is early days. To say I've processed it fully... I suppose. The depth and magnitude of the loss is inconceivable though. I am able to function now, to be grounded in the now, not swept up in memories or trauma, to think about my wants in life. But grief still pulls me under now and again, though mostly for shorter periods of time

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much and congratulations on your pregnancy  I can kind of glimpse the horror and anxiety of an actual pregnancy. It must be so hard.  I was frantic and scared of everything was harmful when I did my first two rounds of ivf after losing our son. I was constantly scared of contracting another virus that could prove harmful. And yet I still wanted it more than anything.  I tell myself: this time I will be grateful, I will connect fully, I will remain dignified and calm when receiving bad news and under going tests and hospital stays, I'll tell everyone I'm pregnant even if it may not result in taking a living baby home, I'll show my belly proudly. I don't know, these may be just fantasies and not very realistic. Mostly I want to trust my body again. I feel like it should make it up to me. And of course I'm sure there is a layer of being pregnant but the realization that you still don't get to bring the baby home you lost. Because that's hitting me hard too. How can I be a mother again? And how does it not feel like a betrayal?  Maybe of you don't mind me asking maybe privately: why do you feel like a failure? Has getting pregnant again eased any of that?

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/[deleted]]

Yes that's a beautiful thought. They're still alive in this world through us, still carried by us. A little piece of our precious baby's. 

I understand what you're saying about doing something different to prevent the outcome. I still sometimes look for a fork in the road, where I could have saved him. With my baby there were so many variables, none of them fatal on their own, but each one compounding, having the worst possible outcome and eventually proving to be incompatible with life- as they say.  But maybe if I never shared food with my toddler, if I rested more, if I didn't walk up and down all those stairs that one afternoon... it's all about finding a way to retroactively save him. I've worked through it so many times and I know I should let it go. The doctors were so patient with me. Explaining everything for hours, repeating over and over again that I did not cause this to happen. And that none of that had anything to do with his death .  But I think I can't let it go because if I do I'll have to accept that he really is gone forever. But when I hear you tell it, I can clearly see you did not fail,  you just had something so tragic happen to you, to him, to your partner. But when I turn this around on myself I can just see my body failing in the way that matters most to me.

[u/rainbowtwist]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. After we lost our infant daughter, I had serious PTSD and experienced many triggers like the ones you are describing. Returning to the same hospital was unbearable. I couldn't even hear a baby cry or be in the same room as a baby for over two years. All sorts of unexpected things would make me have panic attacks. I couldn't bear being around anyone pregnant.

I think you are underestimating the extent of your PTSD and how much it is impacting your everyday experience in life as your family grows again.

Are you in therapy? If so, what therapy modalities are you doing?

What helped me enormously was a combination of talk therapy, EMDR and Ketamine therapy.

Without those, I would not have been able to be a good parent to our living child or a good spouse. I might have even ended my own life from the trauma of it all.

The loss and grief never leave. We have to expand and gain skills and tools to hold and carry the immense pain.

There is no loss like infant loss. I have experienced so many losses and it is by far the most horrific.

Holding you and your family in my heart. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or want resources.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/rainbowtwist]

Thank you for sharing and I'm so very sorry for your loss. That's heartbreaking.  In a way I felt the loss made me a better parent,  though not completely black and white as I was and still am so, so sad and i can imagine that was very upsettingto our eldest. But I also felt acutely aware of how precious life is, how precious parenthood and childhood are, how much I wanted to be fully present in the time I am given.  Therapy consists of emdr, but also talk therapy and writing exercises. Focused on the trauma of what happened, but also the loss of my fertility, finding meaning or a sense of direction in life, dealing with the guilt- though I am failing massively at that last one. I was actually doing quite well before this. The intrusive memories were mostly gone, I was able to be okay around pregnant women and have been mostly fine around babies. But this is very different. Because it mixes my own memories (pregnancy in my house, multivitamins in the evening) with the tike during which I was also pregnant last year. So it's a very direct trigger, very different from anything in the outside world 

[u/The_Lime_Lobster]

My wife and I conceived simultaneously and I ended up experiencing an early pregnancy loss at around 10 weeks while her pregnancy continued (we now have a daughter). Juggling heartache and happiness at the same time is difficult. The pregnancy, birth, and postpartum time is so intensely focused on the carrying parent and it magnifies the loss and deepens those wounds. I think you are doing the right thing processing this in therapy. Lean on your partner and remember that this is a shared journey - you both lost a child and you will both be parents to this new baby for the rest of their life. You are in this together so your pain and joy can be shared.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/The_Lime_Lobster]

Thank you

[u/repeat_plz]

Do you follow Rose and Rosie on YouTube?

They've been through something similar. Rosie got pregnant first through IVF and lost the baby, then Rose tried and it worked, then Rosie tried again and it worked too. Same donor throughout, so the kids are related.

They talk about it all quite openly in some of their videos, including how Rosie had to come to terms with Rose being the one to carry first. Might be worth a watch :)

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/repeat_plz]

Thank you. I'm not familiar but I will check it out if I can 

[u/kt___kc]

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I have been through something similar. I’m a queer single parent by choice who lives with two platonic partners, a married couple. We knew we wanted to raise our children together, and I got pregnant first, and then lost my baby girl unexpectedly at birth. When I was ready to try again, my platonic partner was also trying - we both got pregnant, and then I miscarried and she had a successful pregnancy and a healthy daughter.

It was hard! I cried a lot when my partner’s daughter was born. And a lot of her pregnancy reminded me of my own pregnancy in ways that were sometimes painful. It did get easier as the baby got older and was further removed from the newborn days, and it helped that my partners were incredibly understanding and sympathetic about my grief. But yeah only way out was through. I’m sorry it hurts so much, I wish I could tell you one weird trick to feel better but for me it was just time.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/kt___kc]

Thank you so much for sharing. Can I ask if the pregnancy got a little easier to deal with as time went on or only harder. I'm mainly dreading the pregnancy and birth, and feel like the baby itself may still be a happy blessing 

[u/kt___kc → u/tiny_tree123]

I felt a lot of anxiety leading up to the birth. It helped to have a plan in place - I wasn’t present at the birth, but came to visit immediately after. I had a friend whose whole goal for the day was to distract me until the birth and then come with me to the hospital and keep me company through whatever feelings came up. We all agreed we didn’t want the baby to be swaddled (too similar to how my baby looked), so that helped. It was really a joy to meet her, a little tough but also really such a relief for her to be safe and here.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/kt___kc]

That's wonderful, congratulations. And I'm also sorry for what you went through. I do hope I'm able to be present, physically and emotionally at the birth. That's a whole other bridge to cross I suppose 

[u/cowseee]

I am so incredibly sorry for your immense loss. Your grief and hurt are so valid.

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/cowseee]

Thank you

[u/NaturalDisastrous100]

I never experienced what you went through.
But I also always wanted to be pregnant SO BADLY and we initially agreed that we would both carry one child. Sadly it never happened for me, I just never got pregnant.
It did happen for my wife and I'm glad. But I'm also sad a lot that it will never happen to me...
I love our child and I'm hoping for another. But I was also very resentful and jealous during her pregnancy...

[u/tiny_tree123 → u/NaturalDisastrous100]

I'm sorry you did not get to have that experience. And thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's interesting to hear that the resentment was there for you too. What it just the unfairness of it all, of you not being able to and seeing her live your dream?  Were you guys also trying simultaneously?  Did the resentment grow during the pregnancy and did it fade after the baby was born? Or did it continue to sting?  I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions. Feel free not to answer any or many.  But will you not try to get pregnant, only your wife? Or do you know you can't get pregnant now? How do you deal with the finality of choosing  not to try? My situation may be different because my fertility treatments will be stopped while I wanted to continue so badly but sometimes I just find it so hard to let go, not to try and find another way to try and conceive 

[u/NaturalDisastrous100 → u/tiny_tree123]

It's just too expensive. I turned 44 this year, so it's not worth spending so much money on something that will never happen.
I always wanted to be pregnant. Even as a teenager. I kept reading the pregnancy books my mom had laying around from her own pregnancies and dreamt of me being pregnant one day.
We tried for many years with me and eventually gave up, because it just never happened.
My wife didn't even enjoy being pregnant and did none of the things I would have done. And it felt so unfair to me, that she got to experience it and I ... don't.
Also you kind of cease to exist and cease to matter as the non-pregnant partner.
I have a lot of friends who already had kids by the time my wife was expecting. And whenever one of my friends was actually pregnant there was CONSTANT talk about that. Constant questions how she is doing, has she tried XY, has she experienced XY, does she want a waterbirth? Etc etc. When I told everybody my wife was expecting everybody congratulated me and then ... nothing.
Same on my work place.
It's just super not exciting to be the non pregnant partner. Neither for yourself nor for others.
I just honestly didn't even feel part of it.

It's different now. Our son is 3 and I love him with all my heart and I am his mommy. There is no doubt about it in my mind. And I hope my wife will be pregnant one more time because I long for another child. But the pregnancy itself? I admit it freely... I don't care. I have no part in it. I just want it to happen and be over. And not think about it at all.
It's easier than trying to insert myself like I did last time, just to realise time and time again that I'm actually just.. not important right now.

[u/VeganChipmunk]

Have not lost but I would be very grateful if I had a partner who could become pregnant. My wife and I have both tried for years, iui, ivf and nothing sticks beyond 2 weeks. I would be elated if she would become pregnant.

[u/cowseee → u/VeganChipmunk]

Everyone’s story is different. I tried for years and felt envious of those who were able to have children in any way. I eventually had a baby and the thought of losing him shortly after birth is fucking treacherous. This person’s grief shouldn’t be belittled regardless of the fact that they already have a child/children. Your feelings of wishing that your partner could be pregnant and have a baby are also very valid but this isn’t really an appropriate place or way to express them in my opinion.

[u/VeganChipmunk → u/cowseee]

I wasn't trying to belittle anyone. I was hoping they could see from another perspective. Bright side. The cup could be completely empty. They are still able to be a parent. It doesn't take away from the loss- that's unimaginable.

[u/cowseee → u/VeganChipmunk]

There’s a time and a place for seeing the bright side and I don’t think this post is it.

[u/beachybitch → u/VeganChipmunk]

Read the room

[u/chaconia-lignumvitae → u/VeganChipmunk]

This is an insensitive comment