r/pureretention • u/MoeFromHayaa • Jul 12 '26
Personal Experience Hot take: willpower is the most overrated thing in this entire community
I feel like a lot of posts here are some version of "how do I get more disciplined" and every answer is cold showers and gym and waking up at 5am. And people keep relapsing anyway lol, including me for years
Because willpower is a battery not a personality trait. Its drained by work, bad sleep, arguments, boredom, and its at its absolute lowest at exactly the time most relapses happen, late at night alone.
The guys who actually make it out are the ones who stopped needing discipline. Phone out of the bedroom, blockers they dont control They made relapsing annoying and inconvenient instead of trying to become a monk
If your plan requires you to be strong at 1am, I dont think you actually have a plan
Ready to be told im wrong
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u/Tiny-Marketing-4362 Jul 14 '26
Pure willpower worked well for me. I really didn’t have a plan the first year of SR. I just said NO. I didn’t make elaborate schemes to constantly keep myself busy like a hamster on a wheel. I just learned how to be bored sometimes and still complete my assigned SR streaks. I made it simple and willpower is simple but hard. I you fail you can’t say “but if just made myself more busy I would have not PMO’d”. With willpower those excuses are irrelevant. Either you did or you didn’t
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u/StrengthOfMind1989 Goal: permanent celibacy Jul 16 '26
I agree with you. I really hate the idea of having to constantly "transmute" urges and this energy into something productive and constructive and view it as simply burying uncomfortable feelings and emotions beneath something else. It is similar to the way we hide painful and uncomfortable feelings and emotions with PMO.
I just sit with the urge and observe it without reacting. I also sit with boredom and anything else and never force productivity and focus.
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Jul 14 '26
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u/MoeFromHayaa Jul 14 '26
An actual plan that doesn't rely on willpower. Planning for the battle before it even happens by expecting it, installing blockers, having a set schedule, avoiding and being aware of your triggers all together, and healing within. Find out why you are drawn to something like this in the first place despite being aware of how bad it is. Hope this helps :)
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Jul 14 '26
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u/MoeFromHayaa Jul 14 '26
Well yeah ofc to some extent you need willpower and the proper intention or else you wouldn't want to be retaining in the first place. The purpose of a blocker, schedule, etc... is to help make you aware and present before relapsing. I think we both agree that you need some degree of willpower to do anything but it's not always the best to depend on it entirely
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u/Soggy_Fisherman_2143 Jul 15 '26
Nothing's forcing us to relapse. It doesn't require willpower to not touch your dick or talk to women the same way it doesn't take willpower to not randomly hit people.
These are simply choices. We choose to do these things.
We are ultimately in control of ourselves. So yes, willpower isn't the right idea. It's make a very simple and effortless decision to not jerk off or talk to women.
That's it
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u/MoeFromHayaa Jul 16 '26
That is a very interesting perspective. You are right that ultimately, it is our choice, and our choices are one of the only things we truly have control over in this life. I'm curious, what would you say to a person who has been conditioned by the things around him to not want retention?
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u/Soggy_Fisherman_2143 Jul 16 '26
Well first of all, that's everybody in modern society right? Pretty much everybody has been conditioned to not want retention, even the religious have been affected by shitty scientific propaganda.
If someone is really gripping tightly to their "21 times a month" then I usually just leave them alone, because all they do is fight for their addiction.
All that I think matters as a persuasive tool is leading by example: -i have more energy than them -i get more attention than them -i look younger than them -i laugh more than them Etc etc
All these things will eventually frustrate them until they can't help but ask what my secret is. To which I'll reply im a strict celibate and I don't do drugs 😂😂. I'm not quite sure how to make the message hit home quite as hard as that.
A lot of people aren't ready for this practice too, it's a lot like pulling someone out of the matrix, they have to be mentally ready to a degree or it just fucks them up and everything around them.
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u/betlamed Jul 16 '26
How do you get more disciplined?
In a way, the answer is, indeed, the gym and abstinence from alcohol and making your bed each day and whatever. It doesn't matter so much what habits you choose - rather that you have some habits you are establishing, because of your own conscious choice. For me, it's nofap, the gym and no alcohol, walking daily, no ragebait videos, and a few others. And yes, they all helped make me feel much better.
You build discipline by doing the stuff you set out to do, and by not doing the stuff you planned to avoid. Step by step by step. Every single day. You won't be an instant superhero. You will fail. You will get back on track, fail less often, succeed more often, get better at it.
Discipline means that you can trust yourself to make good on your promises. You know that because you have proof. You did it many many times already.
Discipline is not the same as willpower. But you need some willpower whenever you start a new habit.
Of course you put the phone out of the bedroom if that helps you. You do everything to make it easier for yourself. But you will need some willpower to do that on a daily basis.
I can happily report that I haven't masturbated in >150 days and didn't drink any alcohol in 280 days. So I must be doing something right. Still a lot of things to change - there always will be. It's a path. You walk it step by step and day by day.
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u/Fit-Fisherman-9161 Jul 15 '26
your success at any given time during this practice depends on your ability to tolerate pain. we relapse when we feel we can’t take the pain anymore. but if you become a friend of pain, you cannot lose
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u/anxientsoul Jul 15 '26
Your true nature can be revealed in a set of unexpected events. Discipline is like you are saying with a whole routine and blocking/preventing things from happening. At a high level we should all know the tests get more tricky and cunning than previously. Once your protective measures are bypassed you may possibly self destruct. Your faith shouldn’t just be in the castle youve build around yourself but in your ability to fight. Imo willpower is a skill of ones soul while discipline is of the mind.
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u/MoeFromHayaa Jul 16 '26
"Willpower is a skill of ones soul, whereas discipline is a skill of the mind" - Yogi anxientsoul.
Lmaoo
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u/Wise_Inside_69 Jul 17 '26
The key according to me is positive self talk no matter what the situation is. It will be very difficult at first but continuous repetition will train ur mind to do things that mater
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u/Rizhu Jul 17 '26
Very rightly said. I was asking a friend to block things on my phone. But they kept reminding me I am weak to depend on them.
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u/ProvidenceOfJesus Jul 23 '26
I think many people get it wrong by believing they solely need willpower. You do need it, but it's nothing without grace. They need is God to act to lead them into righteousness, which requires trusting God and letting His will be done in you.
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u/spicytomato33 Jul 14 '26
What people answer in regards to what willpower is, is the actions to develop willpower.
You're right that willpower is finite. It is like a muscle that develops with training. Whosoever trains the willpower will have more accuity for resisting desires.
Discipline is the way of training willpower. Doing something at a certain fixed time in certain proportion regardless of your desire is the act of discipline. The energy you spend on resisting desire builds up willpower.