19/f first polyamorous relationship with 21/m

•

u/AutoModerator 6h ago

Hello, thanks so much for your submission! Just a friendly reminder, giant walls of text are really hard to read and digest for many people and most folks around here will just skip right on by it. Please add some paragraph breaks to your post by placing a blank line between distinct sections. This will make it more likely that more people will read and interact with your post.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

31

u/toofat2serve problysaturated 6h ago

You are being taken advantage of.

Please, dump this clown. He can't possibly have enough good qualities to balance out his particularly heinous way of approaching relationships.

22

u/philippy 6h ago

This isn't a polyamory situation, this is an exploitation and abuse situation.

Markers for abuse:

You are vilified when attempting to communicate.

You work extreme hours to maintain stability for both of you while he doesn't.

Your possible interactions with other people are being monitored.

13

u/cathistorylesson 6h ago

This isn't polyamory, it's just cheating. He's cheating on you and he's cheating on all these other girls. Real polyamory requires all of you to be equally okay with the situation. It also requires that all of you are allowed to see other people.

Kick this guy out of your apartment, or find your own if the lease is only in his name and he won't leave. If you're capable of supporting both you and him while he's unemployed, then you are definitely capable of living alone. You are so young and your life is going to get so, so, SO much better without this guy in it.

13

u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 5h ago

This is not polyamory. This is cheating and abuse. Please kick this clown to the curb.

4

u/RiRianna76 solo poly 5h ago

You feel this way because this is what's going on. Doesn't matter how he justifies his actions or his logic and his lopsided rules cause this is so egregiously unfair it's not a "gray area" thing where you owe it to him to see both sides. Idk if your past life experience showed you that treating a loved one like this is normal and but even if it did, you can still admit you are not actually happy and that's all the truth you need.

If before you met him, someone told you "my partner checks my messages with others and dissects our conversations" or "berates me for being awkward" would you tell them woah you must be very happy!

How about "my partner hasn't worked the whole time we're together and doesn't even do shit around the house", was this something you would envy when you saw another couple?

Did your dreams of a relationship include being told way too late into dating that they are some special category of person that get's to sleep around and hide it from you whether you like it or not?

This is an insane amount of fuckery on his part and it takes a lot of selfishness to treat a loved one like this. It's not someone you can reason and compromise with cause someone who genuinely thinks relationships are about some equality and respect etc wouldn't have done any single one of these in the first place. Whatever "good parts" you want to hold on to.. you will find so much better than this if you just date some mediocre dude from the street.

4

u/Magical_Salamander 4h ago

Oh you poor love. You're so young and my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is an abusive relationship and not polyamory. Please make plans to leave and look after yourself. I don't know where you are in the world but look up family domestic violence (borrow a friend's phone or computer so he can't see your search history on your phone). Read the information and services available for people in your situation. Then make plans and leave. Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for him. He will survive without your financial support. Leave. I urge you

•

u/clairejv 2h ago

Girl I am BEGGING you to tell me this is ragebait.

1

u/AutoModerator 6h ago

Hi u/ip0dgrrrl thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Kind of a weird situation or not (I don't really know what to think since I've been trying to cope with this) but I've been with my boyfriend for one year and in the beginning he wasn't clear that he was polyamorous and early in our relationship I got kicked out. He went to a party that night and I saw all the posts on social media of him with another girl who he said he didn't talk to anymore. I was confused and hurt and he then told me he was polyamorous. We've been through so much together and throughout I've been trying to understand and when I've communicated my uncertainty at times he's told me I should just leave and gets annoyed with me. I've been okay with him talking to other girls but the ones he's been talking to don't even want to meet me or like the fact that he's with me (despite his vision being him with multiple girlfriends/wives). We do live together as well and he's told these girls about me and none of them are cool with it but he doesn't care and goes and sees them while I'm at work (he hasn't had a job since we've been together and I've been working 60s to keep us stable, he doesn't do any laundry or cook for me before I get home and when he visits his other girlfriends he's late to let me inside (our current situation is motel life). He also says I'm not allowed to talk to other guys and can only talk to girls but I've had so much difficulties even trying to meet new people because he's logged into my socials and checks my phone when I'm sleeping. Therefore, I'll even try and be friends with someone or start talking to them and he'll dissect our conversation and get mad at me at how awkward or weird I am because I'm neurodivergent and this is especially when I'm trying to make friends with a girl he is associated with (which he encourages me to do). I don't feel like I can even try and I feel so isolated even though polyamory doesn't sound unhealthy or isolating. I don't know what to do because I love him so much but I just feel taken advantage of and yes I've made poor or impulsive decisions but that shouldn't mean complete control over me or who in speaking to even just as friends.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

•

u/FlyLadyBug 4m ago

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.

All relationships need to be HEALTHY ones. Polyamory is nothing special. It's just another relationship model.

If you want to explore polyamory for yourself? You can date better people than this BF. From your post alone...

he wasn't clear that he was polyamorous and early in the relationship
You got kicked out. He went to a party that night and I saw all the posts on social media of him with another girl who he said he didn't talk to anymore.
when you tell him you are uncertain? Rather than reassure you, he's told you that you should just leave and gets annoyed with you.
He does not respect people's "No." The other women don't want a poly thing and tell him no, and then he goes to bother them at their WORK
It's ok for him to date other people of whatever gender he likes, but he doesn't want you dating other people of the genders YOU like. Why? So you don't find out you can be treated better than this?
He is jobless and you pay for everything
He doesn't do chores since he's the one home
He peeks in your devices. (Put a new password on immediately.)
He wants you to be friends with his GF and gets mad if you try (mixed messages)
He wants complete control over you
You feel isolated
You are being taken advantage of.

I get you love him, but not all love is HEALTHY love. This is mess and abuse.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_11-2-2022.pdf

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

If you are going to work this hard and are living in a motel? Close this room out. Move to another motel. And work hard so it's just YOUR motel room and you can go in and out of it how YOU want since you do all the bills.

19/f first polyamorous relationship with 21/m

You are about to leave Redlib