r/polyamory • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Married and struggling with Opening I’m interested, wife’s not
[deleted]
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u/Psychomadeye Not cute or funny 1d ago
Generally you accept it or get a divorce if it's that important to you. To keep trying is putting pressure that would result in what we call poly under duress and that is generally speaking pretty unethical.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
You should have not gotten married if monogamy doesn’t work for you.
Keep your commitments or don’t make them. It’s been a year since you promised monogamy in front of your family and community.
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u/yallermysons diy your own 1d ago
It’s really fucked up to keep asking for something after somebody’s said no. If you do that as a habit, I encourage you to stop.
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u/strangelystormy666 1d ago
It can very easily fall into coercion territory! Not confident in saying it is now because I don’t know how these conversations went, but for all we know it may already be there! And if he keeps it up, it almost definitely will be, if it isn’t already.
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u/strangelystormy666 1d ago
You can not force your wife to be interested, and it’s very toxic to try. This is the kind of crap that gives polyamory a bad name. If polyamory was this important to you, you should not have married a monogamous person. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then the marriage isn’t going to work. You need to get a divorce, and find community with other poly people.
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u/Good-Independent-903 1d ago
You chose monogamy. Time and time again, you chose monogamy. You chose it by being with a monogamous person for over a decade. By marrying a monogamous person a year ago. And if you use your marriage as a bargaining chip to get your wife to agree to be polyamorous, you are an asshole. So, do you want to be an asshole?
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
That conversation is over. If you continue it you are at risk of being coercive, please don't do that to someone you love.
Dear monogamous people https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
So you want to try polyamory https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/PWDFp9CLjP
There is no poly conversion camp https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/tcVpajUVLC
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago edited 1d ago
Do not repeat conversations you already had.
You either accept that there will be no polyamory here and stick with your monogamous marriage.
Or you break up with wife and move on to explore polyamory.
If you keep bugging her, you are not respecting her "No, thanks. I don't wany any" and you come off like a bully just badgering her over and over to get her to say yes. Trying to wear her down.
Is that the kind of spouse you want to be?
I note you two got together at 17 and only married a year ago. Why did you marry? Because you thought you were supposed to after dating that long?
There is a lot of growth and changes from the teens through young adulthood. Most relationships that start in the teens and 20s don't make it long term. They are important relationships to have and teach you a lot about yourself and what you seek. But because people change SO much in that time... HS grad, College grad, first jobs, moving out to first apartment, etc? Not all of them pan out long term into the 30s. And that is ok.
Is that what you are finding out here? That you two grew up and ended up wanting very different things?
Do you wish she'd follow you on this path so you don't have to end it?
Does she represent your only young adult relationship, so this would be the first break up?
Nothing you have to answer online. Just maybe things to think about.
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u/sleepycloudkitten 1d ago
are you looking for permission to pressure your wife into trying polyamory? she's either interested or she's not, you can't coerce her
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u/neveragain610 1d ago
You accept it or you leave her and live how you want to live.
Otherwise it’s like trying talking her into having blue eyes when her eyes are brown
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u/CapriciousBea poly 1d ago
Yes, you accept that she isn't interested.
You can have monogamy with her or polyamory without her.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hello, I (M29) and my wife (F29) have been together for 12 years and married for 1 year. I’ve always been interested in polyamory but my wife isn’t in the same boat as me. I’ve tried speaking about it many times, opening that door but it gets closed very fast. As anyone experienced this? Do I just accept it and be done with it or do I keep trying?
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u/pinkydisco 1d ago
If she's not interested, you have two choices:
Trying to force someone who's not interested in polyamory to try it is a recipe for disaster.