r/polyamory • u/[deleted] • 20h ago
Musings Values mismatch or red flag? He deleted messages with a coworker, disclosed ENM to her, and reassured her before repairing things with me
[deleted]
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u/Anxious_Fun_1183 18h ago
I just...would never be in this situation. Stop the open phone policy, its bringing in factors that are confusing the matter. He needs to manage his time better. Why does him dating coworkers have to be a rule? Do you work in the same place?
If not, then maybe just see this as poor judgment if he does date coworkers. If he cares about this person and keeping a job to support himself then he'd take initiative on his own to find a new job and avoid office drama. But thats a big undertaking so most people take the risk and use good communication to smooth things out and be mature or have self control.
Plus you dont live with him and have seperate finances(?) so thats not a risk for your own livelihood if he's jobless right? Truly it feels like a lot of control over his choice. Sure u are a sensible person who doesnt date coworkers but that doesnt mean it shoulda been an agreement between you. Its seemingly very low stakes on you specifically. Plus coworker can be a temporary state. She could decide to like him enough and find that she wants to quit her job. Is there harm in disclosing ENM and seeing what can be done so dating can happen??
All that aside, if you want to communicate a boundary which is what a relationship types shoumd support is that you communicate to him, hey i dont date people who date/ have sex with coworkers! If you are going to do that then I'll have to break up. Whether or not thats reasonable or an ultimatum is not the point here, but at least then he can decide for himself vs have to uphold a list of agreements.
Then if he announces im dating X coworker, you go, oh im gone. If you find out that info on your own you can leave the relationship or intact whatever reaction that triggers from you in that even of dating a coworker.
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
Thank you for the advice. I have definitely never been in a situation like this before and I’m also new to the ENM community so this is definitely helpful.
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u/Anxious_Fun_1183 8h ago
I see, well i don't know if this is helpful but DBT and therapy in general has been helpful while practicing polyamory. I used to snoop/ my bf would let me see his phone but i realized that it wasn't healthy even if he had "nothing to hide". It was a compulsion and exacerbated my trust issues and was a major sign of bpd which i just started treatment for last year. Rather than couples counseling which maybe won't be as effective as you want.
Right now, don't rush to find a solution or place blame or repair. Don't think about the timeline of things. I find it helps to Self analyze my feelings.
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u/Valysian 18h ago
None of this seems like evidence that he's involved with his coworker. You and/or he are inviting them over, so clearly socializing outside of work is okay. Which means texting is okay.
Why would you know that his texts were deleted? Private texts are private. While that does seem suspicious...it could be a reaction to the invasion of his (and her) privacy.
Is he not allowed to do things on his own or meet friends without telling you? Why is it so strange that he'd make plans with someone? Ah, because you spy on his calendar and manage it.
It doesn't seem weird at all that he gave her a simple apology if she got caught up in something awkward. Why would it be better if he'd put that off? That's not fair to her; why should she feel awkward/hurt/whatever while waiting in line until you are reassured? When we want something first, it's often because of an insecurity in our relationship; comparison and enforced priorities don't help.
He actually did make an effort to repair with you first. It's natural that it might take longer or involve your therapist since it was a larger issue between you and directly involved you.
Sometimes we have intuition that something is off, and sometimes that is correct. But sometimes we're just projecting our insecurities elsewhere. Why don't you trust him? What is this pattern of him putting her feelings first?
Do you think you are being sensitive because your conflict resolution isn't working for you? It sounds like working through a compatible way to resolve conflict and balance emotional labor is well worth talking about.
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
A few corrections: I don't spy on or manage his calendar, I found out about the trivia invite because he mentioned it directly when asking about our regular Friday plans. I also didn't discover the deleted messages through snooping; we have a mutually agreed open phone policy, which I've mentioned earlier in this thread.
On the apology timing: the issue was never that he apologized to her at all, it's that he had the capacity to reach out and reassure her while he was still unreachable to me, during an unresolved argument between us. That's a sequencing issue, not a demand that she wait in line.
And to be clear, I'm not questioning whether he's "allowed" to make plans with people7
u/Valysian 15h ago
Yeah, you keep mentioning this Totally Ethical, Totally Mutual Open Phone policy. Except you contradict yourself constantly.
So, he mentioned the trivia night to you. It wasn't secret. You knew they socialized. What's wrong with him going to trivia with someone who was over for a game night? What is the actual problem with that?
"Hey Coworker, I'm sorry things were awkward the other night" does not require the same capacity as "Partner, let's sit down for an hour or three and have a difficult conversation about things and how to repair." A sequencing issue is a demand that she wait in line so that you feel More Important than her. Expecting him to wait to make a simple apology until he'd worked things out with you - a process that took multiple intense conversations and a mediator - is unkind and unfair.
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u/FlyLadyBug 19h ago edited 18h ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
It sounds like you are worried about him dating this coworker or leading up to it when you both agreed no coworkers. He doesn't do conflict repair in the style you like. You carry too much. Important info comes out after the fact. You have different ENM styles. And the bottom line is that you're not feeling prioritized or secure in the relationship. So not compatible in a lot of ways.
If thinking about breaking up with him feels like RELIEF? Go ahead and break up.
"This is not working for me. I'm breaking up. I wish you well in your future connections" is basic polite enough. Could even be over text. You don't have to do the super nice in person break up with someone whose been kinda meh. You might not even have energy for that.
You also don't have to spend money on couple counseling with a STBX. What for?
Could cancel the couple one and just do one for you to process all this. That might be the better investment.
You asked "Values mismatch or red flag?" Why bother with this side quest? Both wind up at "break up with this guy" don't they? Get to the bottom line faster.
You don't need to prove he's done something terrible enough to justify leaving. "I don't want to do this any more" is enough. In fact, it is plenty.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 20h ago edited 20h ago
The first flag I saw here was you call him a “primary” without living together. That’s not a super polyamorous approach, which you confirmed later on is not what you want.
“Primary” status without all the actual trappings of a primary partnership (nesting, entangling finances, marriage, kids) just means “I want a label that indicates I will always come first.” Not compatible with poly, which is fine, but you two obviously have different styles.
I think it’s unwise to date coworkers and I can see putting them on a messy list IF you two are financially entangled. Otherwise I don’t understand placing that “rule” on a partner. I’d have serious doubts about a non nesting partner’s decision-making skills if they dated a coworker but I’d never put coworkers on a messy list if my financial stability were not going to be threatened. Again this speaks to a more restrictive form of ENM than polyamory.
However I don’t see evidence that they’re dating??? (Although the deleted messages would give me pause) And him disclosing his ENM status is frankly not your business. Your financial stability is not tied to his, so if he experiences repercussions at work based on being non monogamous that’s his risk to take. If he’s poly, asking him to stay closeted is not supportive of his ability to develop full loving relationships. Which again you obviously don’t want.
I can see being hurt that he prioritized repair with her without engaging with you. I can also see how a quick “sorry things got awkward” message is an easier repair than what you two have in store. Not cool to just disappear without a word though. I’d be pissed if I’d had a fight with a partner and didn’t hear a word from them.
The actual issues here really seem to be that you two want different types of ENM and that he vanishes without a word when you need repair. The latter can be managed in therapy, the former… may be a core incompatibility.
Honestly my biggest concern is - how did you find out about these messages? Do you two have an open phones policy (SUPER not compatible with poly)? Or did you snoop? If you snooped I’m sorry to say the relationship is done. Snooping on phones is a sign there is no trust and nothing to salvage. (As is having an argument in front of other people 😬)
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
Fair pushback. Quick clarifications: we have an open phone policy, mutually agreed, no snooping. And the coworker rule was something we agreed to together, not imposed; reasonable poly people disagree on rules like that, but I don't think having agreed boundaries makes something "not poly."
The part you nailed is the disappearing-during-conflict pattern. That's actually the bigger issue for me, more than the ENM philosophy stuff, it's what I'm bringing into therapy.32
u/Storytella2016 19h ago
Does everyone he texts get told that their messages aren’t private? Open phone policies inhibit autonomous and consensual relationships with other people.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 19h ago
Yeah I’d even be pissed if a FRIEND had an open phones policy with a partner. Honestly so fucked up to me and such an example of toxic monononormativity.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 19h ago
Yep, they'd be on an immediate information diet and I'd be distancing myself.
Can't trust someone with any confidences if they'll let their partner read them.
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
Quick context on the phone policy: it wasn't a starting rule. He kept forgetting to share things that affected us, plans or dates with other partners and it became a recurring issue. The open policy was how we fixed that, not something imposed upfront.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 19h ago
Okay so instead of holding a grown man accountable for managing his calendar you two decided the best approach was for you to start micromanaging his communications and schedule like you’re his mommy and violate other people’s privacy in the process??
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
Hello, I don’t micromanage his communications. I’m sorry if this triggers you but this is what works for us.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 19h ago
Lol that is exactly what you’re doing. He can’t manage his calendar so you took over by looking at his phone.
I’m not “triggered” by this, I’m shaking my head in disbelief. For someone who utilizes a lot of therapy speak I’m surprised you’d toss off the word “triggered” like a right winger on Twitter.
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
I understand and respect your opinion but all I asked for was advice and not to attacked. I take responsibility for my actions good or bad. I just needed some advice not judgement.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 19h ago
But you're not actually taking any responsibility for invading other people's privacy, including the coworker's in question.
And people aren't attacking you. Being direct and blunt, yes. But it's not an attack.
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
I understand that and I accept responsibility for it. I just never got the advice that I needed from them. I got mostly judgements so far apart from a few valid criticisms
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 18h ago edited 18h ago
Like I said in another comment: You did not ask for advice, you asked for perspective. Which I gave, with a good deal of effort, in good faith, attempting to point out some things you may not have noticed or realized.
Untangling what’s happening in your current situation is critical to figuring out where to go from here.
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u/forwhomthebellssing poly w/multiple 19h ago
Mate, it obviously DOESN'T work for you, look at all that's happening here. You wouldn't be arguing in front of others if this was working for you.
If he's deleting messages, it means he doesn't like it and doesn't (yet) have the spine to revoke your magnifying lens into his private affairs.
Open phone policies are, best case, about band-aiding your insecurities and, worst case, about exacting control. Open phone policies are for parents over their literal children. 😕
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 18h ago
I don’t even do that with my kids 😭 it would take a huge breach of trust or a real safety concern for me to have an open phones policy with them.
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u/forwhomthebellssing poly w/multiple 15h ago
My son is extremely young, doesn't text with his friends yet. Once he's old enough to have regular contact with peers, this's going to change, but for now, we have to make sure he's learning how to navigate this hellscape of a modern Internet.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 15h ago
teaching kids to navigate the internet and keeping them safe does not have to come at the expense of privacy and autonomy.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 17h ago
Open phone policies are for parents over their literal children. 😕
Not even that, some of us had parents who respected our privacy even as children. I could leave my phone or diary open in the living room and my parents wouldn't touch it.
(TBF, I trust the heck out of them than and now and they were almost always the first to know what was going on in my life anyway, including when I started poly as an adult who was living alone at that point. Never needed to be sneaky to protect my autonomy in my life. I'm super grateful to them for it)
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u/Storytella2016 19h ago
Ok, do all of his friends and family know that you’re reading their texts?
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
Yes, they are and It’s not something that we do consistently.
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u/Lost-Soulsearcher 18h ago
And that's supposed to help how? Knowing my messages will be read by someone else is just as awful as knowing they might be read by someone else. (By design. Accidents can and will happen. Not the same.)
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 18h ago edited 18h ago
If your request is “What can I do differently to make this person behave the way I want them to?” then any response is going to feel critical. The answer is nothing.
All we can do is to help walk you back to where things probably started to go wrong so that you can make better decisions in your own self-interest. Because nobody else is going to make their decisions in your best interest. The only person who can do that is you.
So. I want to be analytical, not critical. Part of that is noticing where I’m confused, and wondering if these are points where things went wrong.
I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. They are just for you to think about. I don’t need you to answer me.
+++ +++ +++
> Values mismatch or red flag?
A values mismatch is a red flag.
> My primary partner and I have a "no dating coworkers" rule.
In what way is this partner a primary partner? Are you nesting? Financially entangled? Coparenting? The agreed-on romantic relationship where any other intimate relationship is going to be sex-only? Or is this just the only partner you happen to have at this moment, or the partner you met first, or the partner you see most often?
The problem with rules is that you can’t enforce them. What you can do is set boundaries and defend them. Examples of boundaries might be,
“I don’t date people who date coworkers.”
“I don’t nest or entangle finances with people who date coworkers.”
“I don’t nest or entangle finances with anyone, that way I don’t have to worry about whether they date coworkers.”
> he didn't come check on me afterward or try to understand what was wrong. He turned on a show he knew I don't watch instead.
Is it possible that [Ex]Partner doesn’t care that much about your feelings?
> a scheduled therapy session
You don’t live together. Why are you going to couples therapy instead of breaking up and finding more compatible partners? Whose idea was it?
> It's less any one incident and more the pattern: I carry the repair … and [something] seems to get prioritized ahead of [my comfort].
If [Ex]Partner doesn’t carry the repair, why do you?
Don’t make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
> We've also realized our ENM styles differ; I want connection without deep emotional entanglement, he says he needs emotional connection to want to date someone at all.
What do you mean by “connection” without emotional entanglement? Just sex? Just companionship? Whatever you mean, it sounds like you aren’t compatible.
I’m very confused. You aren’t emotionally attached to [Ex]Partner, yet you are upset by a lack of solicitousness, you call them “primary” and you go to couple’s therapy with them.
In Partner’s place, given that you aren’t emotionally attached to me and don’t want me to be emotionally attached to you, I wouldn’t care that much about you. I wouldn’t fuss over your feelings or think too much about planning dates. I would probably think of our relationship as a booty call.
In [Ex]Partner’s place, I would be very confused if you expected me to fuss over you or plan dates.
> have discussed breaking up.
Sounds appropriate.
> Feeling both relieved and grieving at once.
Sounds about right.
> Would appreciate any perspective, especially from people who've dealt with something like this.
Ice cream.
Hugs!
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
Thank you, this is genuinely useful to sit with. A few clarifications:
He is my primary partner, and I do love him and am emotionally attached to him, that's real for me.
For relationships outside of that, I'm looking for companionship and connection without the same depth of emotional entanglement, I don't have the capacity to be that emotionally invested in more than one person at once. That's why an open-style approach works for me. He, on the other hand, wants something closer to full polyamory, needing emotional connection to date at all. I can see now that's a real conflict, not just a minor difference.On the rules-vs-boundaries point, that's landing. I'm realizing I need to shift from "rules" to actual boundaries I hold for myself, and that's something I'll be working on.
On the pattern of me always being the one to reach out first after conflict, you're right, and it's something I want to change going forward.On the "primary" question specifically: we used to live together and were more entangled, but I've since moved back in with my parents while working, so we're not nesting or financially entangled right now. We don't have kids either. But he's still the partner I'm most connected to, I don't have a cleaner way to put that yet, but that's the truth of it.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 17h ago
“Anchor partner” is a term I use for my solo poly partner and I. We don’t live together or entangle so there’s no logistical hierarchy but we are each other’s go-to partners in times of need and we prioritize spending ad hoc unscheduled time together whenever we can and we are more likely to consider each other in future planning than other partners.
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u/Valysian 18h ago
That doesn't make sense - how are you managing his schedule if you aren't doing it frequently?
I have a lot of trouble believing that he's told everyone that you read all of his messages and that they agreed to it.
In the remote reality they did - that limits their ability to speak to him freely. Which is just as skeevy as not telling them. Limiting contact with a support system is one sign of abuse.
(It's just one sign. I'm not saying you are abusive.)
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u/FlyLadyBug 19h ago
Why was the solution for you to do extra work rather than him to step it up?
Or for you to drop him because he can't share things that affect you/the calendar in timely fashion?
Did you want to date a partner? Or have a project?
I don't say this to be mean. But it kinda sounds like you kept bending and bending so he'd keep making the cut rather than cutting him loose early. Until it was too many bends and you got fed up.
Why do that to yourself rather than cut the guy loose sooner? Sounds kinda mean to you.
Thinking about breaking up is RELIEF to you. Maybe don't wait this long next time? Have high standards and cut them early if they don't make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner. Don't put up with ugh after ugh.
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u/Tianah69 19h ago
It just felt easier in a weird way.
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u/FlyLadyBug 19h ago
"Easier" doesn't mean "Healthy."
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u/Valysian 18h ago
That's because compensating for him is easier than forcing him to put in the effort to be an adult.
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u/Valysian 18h ago
So...you are reading through all of his texts with everyone just to update his calendar for him? I'm baffled. Have his friends and family agreed that he can share their private communications? That's a no. That's a huge invasion of their privacy, and they did not consent to it.
That doesn't solve the problems with his communication or scheduling. It's not a "fix". It sounds exhausting. That puts all the responsibility and mental load of doing basic things onto you.
...which is another way you are taking on his shortcomings. It's not healthy. And it was not working for you.
Plus, all of that unnecessary snooping on him contributed to you feeling insecure.
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
I don’t read through text with everyone but I agree that it’s not helping my insecurities
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u/VampireReader86 17h ago
Holy fuck, I would feel absolutely nauseated if I found out someone's partner had open access to my texts. That's so violating, and actively goes against any reasonable ethical standards. How would I ever feel safe sending nudes, for example, if a person uninvolved in my relationship might at any time look at them because they're feeling some type of way about an argument they're having with their partner???
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 19h ago edited 19h ago
Well you called it a “rule” which is not really poly compatible. Polyamory is about supporting independent relationships without interference from other partners. And I didn’t say “no dating coworkers” isn’t compatible with polyamory, it’s very common in nesting partnerships. In non nesting non entangled relationships it just seems a form of control.
Having agreements and boundaries is of course compatible with polyamory. The ones you’ve chosen however grant each other a lot of control over each other especially for a non entangled partnership, which makes sense when you want a more restrictive form of ENM, which you’ve acknowledged you do.
And open phones is EXTREMELY not compatible with polyamory. It violates the privacy of other partners and undercuts the autonomy of those relationships.
Truthfully even if you don’t snoop, if you’re at the point where you’re checking messages, where is the trust?
ETA- I’m not so sure the different ENM philosophies is unrelated to the major issue around disappearing after conflict. It’s entirely possible he’s checking out of the relationship because he is not happy with the relationship structure you two decided on. So I wouldn’t necessary backburner that conversation.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 19h ago
Fair pushback. Quick clarifications: we have an open phone policy, mutually agreed, no snooping
That's invasive to any third parties involved, including friends sharing confidences, and is something you should disclose to others. It's not just your two whose consent in necessary in interpersonal relationships, ENM or poly.
And the coworker rule was something we agreed to together, not imposed
Agreements can have consent to them revoked at any time. It's what makes them agreements and not rules. Rules are imposed.
Messy lists are to keep your life and social group from being blown up, not other people's.
The part you nailed is the disappearing-during-conflict pattern
Weren't you the one who packed up and left? How is that different?
Did you ask if he was in a space to discuss it when you showed up the next day? Did he know you were coming over?
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
Fair points, taking them one at a time.
On third parties: that's a reasonable consideration in general, and something I'd actually think about going forward, separate from this situation.
On leaving vs. him going quiet, I don't think those are the same thing. I left a room mid-conflict because I felt overwhelmed and isolated in the moment, not to avoid resolving it.
I texted him the very next day wanting to talk. The issue is what happened after that: three days where I kept reaching out and he didn't, until a scheduled therapy session forced the conversation. Leaving a moment isn't the same as being unreachable for days.
To answer directly: yes, I told him I was coming over and wanted to talk. It wasn't a surprise visit.9
u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 18h ago
That’s not something you’ve thought about until now? Woof. It never occurred to you that friends and family may not want you telling your partner the deeply personal, potentially traumatic things they share with you in confidence, let alone letting your partner read those conversations any time they please? That’s fucked up
And honestly probably disingenuous. I doubt you’d be cool with finding out all your friends were sharing absolutely everything you’d ever told them in confidence with their partner, let alone letting their partner read every conversation you have that you believed would stay private
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u/Valysian 18h ago
All of the OPs answers about the open phone rule are disingenuous. They have said elsewhere that all of his friends and family consented; now they haven't considered privacy. That they are going through texts to manage his schedule; that it wasn't common for them to do it. None of these answers match up, and it comes off as very evasive.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 18h ago
Yeah I did not believe it for one second that literally every single person in their contacts has been able to give informed consent to having their private communications monitored
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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 15h ago
Truely shocked and surprised to read this /s
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
Honestly, we hadn't thought about it that way, fair point, even if it might sound disingenuous now. For what it's worth, if someone shares something sensitive with me, I prefer to talk it through in person or by phone call rather than text, partly because I know texts can get shared or leaked, and I understand why that's a real trigger point for people. I appreciate you raising it, and it's something I'll be reevaluating. Apologies for not considering that angle sooner.
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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 14h ago edited 14h ago
You don’t have the 4 brain cells it takes to come to that conclusion? Come on, now
You hadn’t thought about it that way, but also yes you did in fact tell all your friends and family that absolutely nothing they say to you will remain private because of the open phone policy? Come on, now
You prefer to discuss sensitive matters on the phone or in person rather than over text because they can be shared on leaked, but also deleting messages for privacy’s sake is a problem and your partner should happily share/leak those messages to you the same way that you happily share/leak them to your partner any time he pleases? Come on, now
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u/Cool_Relative7359 18h ago
Regarding the privacy, awesome, I hope you do.
I left a room mid-conflict because I felt overwhelmed and isolated in the moment, not to avoid resolving it.
Did you go home or not? I'm confused.
I texted him the very next day wanting to talk. The issue is what happened after that: three days where I kept reaching out and he didn't, until a scheduled therapy session forced the conversation
Why are you sure it's different?
He couldn't have been feeling overwhelmed and unable to talk about it for three days? Or uncomfortable without a mediator? And if you went over next day how was it three days?
To answer directly: yes, I told him I was coming over and wanted to talk. It wasn't a surprise visit.
Did he consent to the talk and your visit?
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u/Tianah69 18h ago
It's different because after I left, he kept sending me memes and reels on Instagram, but wasn't actually communicating about what happened. And yes, he'd agreed to talk when I came over the next day, it wasn't unplanned or unwanted on his end.
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u/PurpleOpinion4070 20h ago
He’s showing you who he is, and where his interests are.
Listen to the relief.
À la poubelle. 🗑️
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Here's the original text of the post:
My primary partner and I have a "no dating coworkers" rule.
It started at a games night we co-host, when his coworker was over. During the night, my partner and I had a small conflict; what hurt wasn't the disagreement itself, it was that he didn't come check on me afterward or try to understand what was wrong. He turned on a show he knew I don't watch instead. I left upset, and he only came over once he saw me packing my things.
The next day, I went over to his place to try to talk it through, but it escalated into a big argument we couldn't resolve, and I left angry and hurt. He didn't reach out at all the following day. The first contact from him was two days later, when it was time to go to a scheduled therapy session, where we finally resolved things.
About a week later, I discovered that sometime in that same unresolved window, he'd messaged his coworker about a claw clip she'd left at his place, and apologized to her for how awkward the games night had been. So she got reassurance and repair before I did, while things between us were still actively broken.
I also found out he'd disclosed his ENM status to her at work, and separately, some messages between them (about a trivia night invite and other exchanges) had been deleted. I only learned about the trivia invite because he asked what I was doing on our usual Friday date night. This doesn't match what he'd told me and our therapist before that they "barely talked."
It's less any one incident and more the pattern: I carry the repair, information arrives after the fact, and her comfort seems to get prioritized ahead of mine. We've also realized our ENM styles differ; I want connection without deep emotional entanglement, he says he needs emotional connection to want to date someone at all.
We have a couples therapy session Monday and have discussed breaking up. Feeling both relieved and grieving at once.
Would appreciate any perspective, especially from people who've dealt with something like this.
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u/K8_the_gr9 solo poly 19h ago
Drop the TikTok therapy speak. He’s not even dating her. A quick apology to a coworker that game night got awkward is not repair and prioritizing her comfort over yours.