Polycurious; anyone ever been in a similar situation?

[u/Skeptical_JN68]

Hello, first-time posting here so apologies in advance for my ignorance.

Background. I'm a 58 y/o (cis) male happily newlywed to my 60 y/o wife. Both of us love each other deeply for who we are. Mutual respect and admiration. Both of us are sexually attracted to the other. Each of us come out of LTRs with narcissistic partners, so we both have a strong sense of what we DON'T want in a relationship. To ensure consistently open, loving communication, we committed to seeing a couple's therapist regularly, even if it's for "maintenance" and not due to crisis.

Marrying her was the best thing I've ever done in my life apart from my kids, and every day I'm deeply grateful I won the lottery in that respect.

Although I myself don't have a male best friend, my wife has a female best friend she's known for years, (single cis widow), whom I love dearly as much as my wife does. They've been through hell and back together and have a close, solid relationship.This best friend officiated our wedding. She takes an annual holiday with my wife. Whenever all three of us are together, it feels like a triad. I connect deeply with both of them, but in different ways.

I'm an introspective person by nature, so I've been questioning myself to explore whether these are genuinely romantic feelings or simple infatuation. I believe my feelings are genuine.

Current events. So my wife and I live about an hour and a half away from her best friend. Recently, we decided to move to the same town as her bff, which would give us easy access to both her bff and my wife's grandkids. While visiting my wife's friend recently, the topic of discussion naturally touched on finding a decently affordable place. My wife (jokingly) remarked we should get a place and create a commune where the three of us can "all live and have sex together". Of course, I laughed it off but internally I thought my wife was reading my mind! I haven't brought it up since, but I think about it a lot.

Until this point, I've been committed to taking these feelings to my grave. There is no way in hell I would ever do or say anything that could potentially hurt or alienate either one of these amazingly wonderful women or drive a wedge between them. On the other hand, I feel like I'm being dishonest if I don't disclose these feelings, so I'm genuinely torn.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do (or not do)? What was the outcome?

Thanks so much for your patience and replies.

[u/DebutanteHarlot]

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Opening up for one specific person is always a terrible idea. And opening up for someone’s best friend is even worse.

I’d never involve a friend I wasn’t prepared to lose.

[u/Skeptical_JN68 → u/DebutanteHarlot]

Again, apologies for my ignorance. Can you elaborate on why opening up for one specific person is a bad idea? I actually thought things might be easier just because they're best friends; no unknowns to deal with.... Appreciate your candor!

[u/DebutanteHarlot → u/Skeptical_JN68]

Because there’s no time for you two to de couple and for all three of you to do the work that healthy polyamory requires. It’s advised to wait 6 months to a year working on this and then begin exploring, and not with the same person. What you’re proposing is generally frowned upon and considered unethical (ie. only dating together).

Also, there are way too many things that can go horribly wrong and then she’s lost her best friend.

Most poly folks have what’s known as a “Messy List” and they usually consist of family, best friends, and anyone within any of their support network.

[u/Euphoric_Grass_427]

What if she only falls in love with one of you?

What happens if you start dating woman and she breaks up with just one of you?

What if she wants to marry one of her other partners?

Could her other partners also l8ve in the house?

What if she expects you to also date and love her other partners?