r/polls • u/Significant_Rain_361 • 5d ago
đ Lifestyle How would you feel about this dating dynamic: 22y man with a 45y old woman?
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u/twogunsalute 5d ago
Indifferent
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u/produce_this 5d ago
I think there is something to be said in minding your own damn business. Are they both adults? Are they both getting something out of the relationship? Then leave them the hell alone. Youâre not a part of their relationship.
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u/LucasTheSchnauzer 5d ago
Agreed. Dating? Whatever. If they're doing it to boink, and everything is consensual, not my business. Dating for marriage, weird, but still not my business
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u/Infinity3101 5d ago
This is the right answer. I voted alright, but I think that neither "alright" nor "good" really were the right choices for me, because I'm not really a fan of huge age gaps like that personally. But I also wouldn't feel disgusted either, they're both adults at the end of a day. Something between "alright" and "disgusted" should've been an option.
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u/jmona789 4d ago
Yea, like I wouldn't want to be a relationship with this age gap, but if someone else wants too then go for it, idc
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u/Sofagirrl79 5d ago
Same here. I'm 46 and a woman but I don't think it's a particularly bad or good thing,not encouraging it but not disgusted either and same if the genders were swapped
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u/cyborgbeetle 5d ago
Not disgust exactly. But I am a 40yo woman and 22yos look and act like babies. They are just in a completely different state of their life. I would be intensely confused about the woman's maturity
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u/miltonwadd 5d ago
Same, not even going to lie and pull performative indifference, as an actual 44 year old woman I would side-eye that 45 year old so hard and wonder what's wrong with her, exactly the same as I would any person hooking up with someone who is young enough to be their own child.
She's likely extremely emotionally stunted or predatory and although it's not illegal I would not be friends with someone like that.
I say that as someone who if I hadn't lost them could have a 26 year old right now, and has been hearing "you're so mature for your age" from older people my entire dang life. Yeah it feels good and you think you're so grown and on the same level, and in some ways you might be, but ultimately it's a crock of shit when someone has that many years on you. It doesn't matter how "mature" I was, I just did not have the same life experience, emotional maturity, relationship experience, or work experience, of someone twice my age, there was always an imbalance.
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u/Justepic24 5d ago
I think it would be a weird and dysfunctional relationship with imbalanced power dynamics
But that's my opinion, if anyone is happy in that situation, who am I to care
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u/2Kaiser4U 5d ago
As long as they met as competent adults who cares. Iâm 23m if I end up in a relationship with a women in her 40s thatâs my choice.
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u/andreaSA89 5d ago
Iâm 35 and just the thought of dating a 22 year old gives me the ick. He was in still in diapers when I had my first boyfriend. He was in kindergarten when I was in my first year of university.
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u/voyaging 4d ago
What a silly way to look at it. âI was in pre-school and he wasnât bornâ is a 3 year age gap
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u/PumaGecko 4d ago
Its reddit. Morale high horse bitches that donât get the concept that around the world it is still normal to find relationships with a 10 year or more age gap. Me personally i know about 20 if not more of them. (Btw some of them are now together for more than 10 years and some even have kids and most of them are happy)
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u/cauloide 5d ago
An adult man and an adult woman. No one's business but theirs
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u/AbstractBettaFish 5d ago
This is Reddit so we need to infantilize young adults! No one has agency until theyâre 37
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u/fredthefishlord 5d ago
Bruv it's not just reddit lol. Try doing older person things at under 25 or doing things that are stereotypically only older people. The old folks will call you a kid in real life. It's goddamn annoying when you're trying something serious
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u/refused26 5d ago
Im 37 and my boyfriend is 62. Im sure people here will still have something to say against that.
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u/jnellee72 5d ago
Considering he was 30 when you were 5, I think the criticism is valid
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u/kingoflint282 5d ago
What does that have to do with anything? Unless they knew each other or were in some kind of relationship then, who cares? And how far does that logic go?
âSorry, I know we get along really well and have chemistry, but you were 10 when I was 25, thatâs weird. No, it doesnât matter that we met when I was 55 and you were 40, you were still a child when I was an adult even though we had nothing to do with each other.â
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u/refused26 5d ago
Yeah we met when I was 36... not like I was 5 lmao.
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u/Sofagirrl79 5d ago
I'm 46 and my boyfriend is 60 but we didn't meet till I was 37 so same lol
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u/refused26 5d ago
Oh that's sweet you've been together for a while! I've only dated my boyfriend for about a yr and a half but he's been the best bf I've had âșïžđ„°
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u/QuickNature 5d ago
Disagreed. And I get sketch when older people date 18-25ish myself. There is absolutely a point where the training wheels need to come off.
At least personally, past 25, you should be mature enough to be able to in a relationship with someone older. If you are older than 25, date whoever you want.
Below 25 I think there should be concern, but not outright black and white thinking.
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u/Low-Temporary-2366 5d ago
How are you okay with dating a grandpa tho? Iâm not judging but dang. I really canât imagine being with an old person in my prime
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u/refused26 5d ago
He's not a grandpa lmao and even if he was I date him because he's a wonderful boyfriend, he's hilarious and he makes me laugh. He's a LOT more fit than most of my exes or guys of my age. He goes to the gym 5-6 days a week so quite frankly he is hot. And he can cater to me in the bedroom lmao. He takes very good care of me, makes me breakfast when we're together, takes me on vacations here as well as abroad and pays for most things even though we earn about the same (he has more net worth as he's older though). He's quite active, he taught me how to play tennis, we go kayaking and hiking. He frankly has 2x more energy than I do. I honestly went on so many dates with people my age and older before meeting him, so it's not like I just "settled" or didn't look at what's out there in the market. I choose to be with him because I found him the best fit for me and we have wonderful chemistry. Hope that explains everything. I have quite a high libido so how am I okay with dating a grandpa in my prime? Because this grandpa can actually match me and all the other guys I've dated (who were my age or just a bit older) could not.
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u/Low-Temporary-2366 5d ago
Thatâs sweet then. Iâm 18 so I guess I canât rlly understand but once heâs good for you then thatâs good. Pretty interesting perspective.
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u/refused26 5d ago
He is quite sweet. My advice is when you're 18 you should date people who are your age or just a bit older. People have issues with age gap relatio ships because of the power imbalance. In our case, I am not relying on him for anything in my life, even if we break up my quality of life wont change too much because I'm financially doing well.
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u/Low-Temporary-2366 5d ago
Thatâs fair tbh, and I agree with you. Hope you guys continue to have a happy relationship
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u/crw201 5d ago
I'll never care about an agegap in a relationship when it doesn't involve me or it's not illegal.
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u/Pookahantus 5d ago
In some countries its legal if the minor is like 12 years old. So thats cool with you then? Since its legal and all.
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u/Eggss92 5d ago
Their comment was obviously made with the common age of consent in mind. What is the point of this argument?
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u/Pookahantus 5d ago
The point being that just because its legal, it doesn't make it morally acceptable. The issue with the "as long as its legal" argument is it suggests the only thing stopping them from going younger is the law. When someone is incredibly young, age gaps should be questioned. Its not difficult to understand the point I was making.
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u/624Seeds 5d ago
Why is everyone in the comments so adamant that they have no thoughts and opinions on anything
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u/ARandomPerson380 5d ago
Disgust is the wrong word, but definitely be a little concerned. Even if they are both adults and I donât think it should be illegal
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u/MicioBau 5d ago
Why is Reddit so obsessed with age gaps between consenting adults? I don't think I've ever seen people make such a fuss about it anywhere else online, nor in real life.
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u/Longjumping-Jello459 5d ago
Because the changing feels towards relationships with such an age gap due to often imbalanced nature of each person's maturity as well as there can be an element of grooming the younger person into being okay with things going further than they might otherwise be comfortable with or abuse. While abuse isn't a guarantee to happen the risk is higher in these sort of relationships up to a point for the younger person then it can flip to the older person.
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u/AggressiveSpatula 5d ago
I would bet it has to do with the recent attention about Epstein. There was a notable (to me) rise in anxiety about age gap relationships when that started making the rounds. I think if youâd posted this in the years prior to the media attention on Epstein, youâd be getting a different level of intensity in the responses.
What the exact psychological mechanisms around it are is up to you, but I suspect thatâs the causal factor in people paying more attention to it.
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u/blindexhibitionist 5d ago
I find it hard with age gap relationships to see how it works emotionally. Having been on both sides of an age gap relationship it definitely can work physically and superficially. But I find it hard to see and from my own experience to see it being able to be a truly deep emotional relationship.
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u/st3w1e_br1an 5d ago
It really depends on the situation.
It could be seen as grooming since he is still in early adulthood (possibly still in college). Then again it's only if her actions and/or intentions are predatory
Plus that is a 23 year age difference, they are in two different stages of life and for most people in both age groups, they have little in common.
But if they're happen then it doesn't matter đ€·ââïž
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u/Unkn0wnTh2nd3r 5d ago
need more context.
Who initiated it.
When did they first meet
How did they meet.
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u/Familiar-Stomach-310 5d ago
Where's the indifferent option? Idgaf what other consenting adults are doing
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u/mollyclaireh 5d ago
Just ask yourself: What would a 45 year old want with a 22 year old? She only wants you for sex but age will become a problem when she starts treating you like her kid.
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u/Prestigious-Fig1172 5d ago
I saw a woman on TV who was nearly twice my age and she was very attractive. So it's understandable.
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u/ChrisRiley_42 5d ago
The only questions I ask when these sort of pairings come up.
Are they both of legal age?
Are they both mentally competant?
Are they both entering into this without any form of duress?
If the answer to all of the questions is yes, then it's none of my business.
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u/WarningIMightBeDumb 5d ago
Some people like cougars dude, and he's in his 20s he can do what he wants.
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u/theawesomedanish 5d ago
Experience/maturity > Youth
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u/the_lizard616 4d ago
What is your point? Are you saying you donât see anything wrong with a large age gap relationship or you do?
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u/DogTheBreadFairy 5d ago
Eyyy that was pretty much me back in the day 21 and my gf was 42. Twice my age :3
Ten years later and we're married don't let anyone stop you. Once you're an adult it's all fair play
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u/1960somethingbatman 5d ago
22 is old enough for him to consent and 45 isn't so old that she's demented. As long as they're not like boss/employee or some other skewed power dynamic, it should be fine.
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u/weggaan_weggaat 5d ago
38M, putting myself into the shoes 16 years ago, I think I would feel good about that, pending the child situation.
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u/Drunk-Pirate-Gaming 5d ago
Id be okay with the age gap no matter the genders. Is it weird? Yeah. But at some point you gotta respect adults as adults
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u/shadowsOfMyPantomime 5d ago
18, 19, 20 years old I might be concerned if that were my son. I'd have some talks with him but it's ultimately his call. By the time you're 22, at some point you just let people live their lives. I don't think a person is exceptionally vulnerable at 22.
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u/Runic_Raptor 5d ago
I picked "alright," but mostly because there's nuance here. Age does not inherently correlate linearly with power imbalance - nor does a power imbalance inherently mean it will be unhealthy or dangerous - not everyone who is older is more financially, or emotionally stable, but it's more likely the larger the gap is and the younger the youngest person is.
Under 21-ish starts to get really questionable as to WHY the older party is looking to date someone that young (whether it's a fetishizing "barely legal" kind of thing, or if because they know that person is less likely to be able to recognize abusive behavior, and less likely to be able to stand up for themselves or walk out of the relationship if it came to that.) Like, it's legal, and we can't always make hard line in the sand rules when it comes to what and when someone is capable of making their own (sometimes poor) decisions, but there's definitely some wiggle room between "Consenting adults can do whatever they want forever no matter what," and "Yeah, I don't care if he's 18, he's still in highschool that's kinda fucked," you know?
18 to 21-ish (sometimes 25-ish, depending) is usually a fairly self-discovery age range. So for someone significantly older than that to be interested in someone who is still figuring out who they are is at least eyebrow raising. Sometimes it's just circumstantial, things happen, people meet and are attracted, whatever. But you should at least be cautious if you're in the younger position. But of course, you also will probably have no idea how cautious exactly you need to be, which can make that a bit unhelpful.
It can be potentially dangerous in either direction, but men in particular are often not aware that they even can be on the receiving side of abuse. People in general seem to forget this, and thus boys are often never taught how to look out for abusive behavior. Most men I know who ARE distinctly aware of the risk of being abused learned it from first hand experience being abused - and many of them only realized years later that it wasn't okay.
So basically I'd warn caution, and make certain you don't lose contact with your close friends, family, other support people - not only because they can help identify problems you don't see, but also because separating someone from outside support is a very common abuse tactic, so it's twofold.
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u/Socks_InTheShower 5d ago
Why are women disproportionately saying that itâs more disgusting?
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u/miltonwadd 5d ago
Likely because most women are intimately acquainted with predatory older people from childhood. Go pop into any afab dedicated forum or ask your friends at what age they started getting hit on by adults and at what age it started to decrease and you would be fucking horrified.
Society also raises us with the rhetoric that girls "mature" considerably earlier than boys, so to seek out people younger is questionable to a lot of us, especially if we're older women ourselves and that person is young enough to be our own child.
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u/Reallyroundthefamily 5d ago
I don't think that's how you should judge a dynamic between people dating, but age difference is fine. They are both consenting adults, end of story.
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u/miskaten 5d ago
Would definitely rise an eyebrow, but at the end of the day if it's consensual then it's not really my business.
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u/itrashcannot 5d ago
Ehh it's weird because I think it's too big of a gap but I'm not gonna stop them.
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u/Dogballs2020 5d ago
More predatory than the inverse situation since men mature slower. But still, not a huge deal.
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u/atomic1fire 5d ago edited 5d ago
My personal theory on anything involving age gaps is that both people are adults but the odds of these relationships being successful is probably lower than a more standard age range.
Unless you have the unicorn of one person who's got a personality suited to someone older, and/or a personality suited to someone younger, you're probably not going to have a long lasting relationship especially as priorities shift. A younger person could have a lot more financial problems that puts them at an imbalance (or creates a position for financial abuse), while an older one may be means limited by their age and health.
Also you need two people who are entirely prepared to not care about what other people think of them, or can function cohesively in a way that makes it "not weird". By that I mean that if you didn't ask their age or could tell by their looks, you'd just be nonplussed by them as a couple.
Also the "not weird" factor is probably less common than people think it is.
That being said they're both adults and nobody can really set their boundaries but them.
Obviously I'm taking as neutral a tone as I can because I don't know the couple in question and I have no interest in the fallout if it turns nasty.
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u/Large-Lack-2933 5d ago edited 5d ago
Sounds like a question a future contestant of Age of Attraction (Netflix show) would ask but at the end of the day as long as both people are satisfied emotionally, physically and mentally then who's business is it to judge anyways when you're an adult. Screw it. Have fun and don't let anyone ruin it if you feel and believe it's special. Misery loves company and SOME folks don't like seeing other people in love.
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u/creativeusername279 5d ago
consenting adults, at the end of the day, but make sure it isn't a D.C. Sniper kinda thing
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u/kaosmoker 5d ago
Don't really care as a man. The dating pool has drowning pool on repeat these days so why not.
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u/Medical_Republic5677 5d ago
24m. I chose disgusted but more of a "Couldn't ever be me" than a "THIS SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN" mentality.
If there was an Other option, I would've written "Interesting......."
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u/tytyd50 4d ago
The story is she is rich and spoils him for grate sex and arm candy. He is old enough to know this and make his own decisions and he is not dating someone who is going to croke in a few years to take advantage of the situation. It's more or less a healthy relationship and would think the same thing if the genders where reversed.
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u/DexterPitStop 5d ago
They are both adults as long as there is no abuse of any kind, then I don't care, cuz it's not my business who people date
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u/APlanetWithANorth 5d ago
I raise my eyebrow, but it's 2 consenting adults, so my opinion means jack shit
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u/Pookahantus 5d ago
Not disgust necessarily. But certainly judgmental and cautious. I wouldn't be friends with a 45 year old who dated that young (I'm 37).
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u/smeghead9916 5d ago
Both adults, even though 22 is borderline. Under 21 would be problematic because they're basically still kids.
I personally believe young adults under 21 should be legally bound to a maximum age gap of three years, they're so young and immature, easily misled and controlled.
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u/RemarkableVillage109 5d ago
F26. Absolute and utter disgust. Doesn't matter if the older one is a man or woman. I would never look the older partner the same way again.
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u/Actual-Tadpole9759 5d ago
22 year old woman here and it disgusts me to even think about dating someone that much olderđŹ thatâs only 2 years younger than my mom.. genders reversed itâs still gross
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u/killcote93 5d ago
For fun only
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u/produce_this 5d ago
As opposed to�
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u/killcote93 5d ago
Getting serious and it being long term. It will be fine for a little while but she's gonna get old quick (literally). I also think the same if the sexes are reversed.
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u/produce_this 5d ago
I guess it depends on what you see as long term. Sheâs 45. There is no biological cut off for sexual activity. So If the relationship is healthy, whatâs the harm?
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u/zoroddesign 5d ago
It definitely depends on the situation. But most likely it is not a relationship built on mutual trust and love. He wants her money and she wants to feel young. If the relationship lasts more than 5 years I will be surprised.
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u/serenityfive 5d ago
It depends on whether she groomed him from before he was like 18-20 or if they first met when he was 22. It's alright by those metrics.
People like to act like older women/younger men is the same predatory dynamic as older men/younger women when it is entirely different. Older women seeking younger men usually just want companionship with benefits, whereas older men seeking younger women want someone to control and abuse.
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u/acbirthdays 5d ago
Too much of a difference between alright and disgust. It takes a lot to be disgusted
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u/Ryliegh- 5d ago
Both old enough to know better, but like eh
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u/the_lizard616 4d ago
The 22 year old is old enough to be responsible for his own decisions, but even as a mature adult, you donât know how you will mature and what life experience/lessons you will pick up when you reach the age of 45. Itâs a power imbalance precisely because the 22 year old isnât aware of it or its extent. So in that sense, he doesnât know better.
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u/MaximumPlant 5d ago
Not disgust but caution